Punch or The London charivari (4.1843)

60

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

that they work harder and experience many more cutting vexations
than the nobodies of the middling circles who do not enjoy a twentieth
part of their income ; but who nevertheless contrive occasionally, to
the extraordinary"astonishment of Mrs. Lacquer and her friends, to
get into a particular sphere of society which they, with all their dash
and expenditure, are unable to accomplish.

LAW AND LAWYERS.
BY JACOB DRVA3DUST, F.8.A.

Either Sir William Blackstone or Peter Pindar says. "The King is the
head and fountain of the Law." The fact is undeniable, and therefore it
matters not on whose authority it rests ; indeed, if necessary, I can give
conclusive testimony to that effect, as her Majesty lately sent me " greeting,"
with a request that I would remit Cabbage and Flint, my tailors, 31. 10s.,
and their attorney 4/. L0*. It would have afforded me much pleasure to
oblige the Queen, or any other lady, on such an occasion, had I possessed
the power to do so, and therefore Her Gracious Majesty guessing the real
state of the case, soon afterwards ordered the Sheriff of Middlesex to pay
great attention to me, because, as she kindly said, "We are informed he
lurks and wanders up and down in your Bailiwick." The sheriff, who
thereupon instituted very particular inquiries, having had the pleasure of
meeting me in Oxford-street, introduced himself ; and certainly did take
remarkable care of me, as he could not bear me out of his sight until I paid
the whole debt and costs, which 1 was fortunately enabled to do by means
of a tender conscience ; for my friends declared me a Church-rate
Martyr, and raised a very handsome subscription.
I intend to discuss the subject which heads this chapter in a grave and
serious style—I do not wish to poke my fun at that revered body of men
—the attorneys. I know well that an Act of Parliament lias declared
them to be " Gentlemen," and I know well that nothing but an Act of
Parliament could have induced the public to believe them such. It
is not for a defendant to complain of costs which he has incurred
through his own broken promises ; nor must he consider twenty years'
hopeless suffering an extreme punishment for a debt of 20/. For what
purpose were creditors created, if there should bo no debtors 3 And what
was the use of buildingsuch spacious and elegant prisons, if nobody should
inhabit them \
Law may be compared to a new boot—a luxury which we approach
with undisguised reluctance, and quit with supreme delight—a thin"
which transforms the ordinarily calm and placable man into a living tor-
ment to himself and all around him. There are several kinds of
"actions," all equally horrible and astounding to the defendant, who
finds the fact of his owing four guineas for a dress coat recited in the
most mystic terms by a composition called a declaration," which
gravely commences with—" For that whereas," and then proceeds to
aver that he is indebted " in 100/. for goods sold and delivered." " 100/.
for work and labour done and performed," " 100/. for materials found and
provided," " 100/. for money paid, laid out, and expended," and " 100/.
due on account stated." To this the "plea" very civilly answers that


OOE TO MY TAILOR.
the defendant never had the goods, does not owe the money, and never
promised to pay. Then succeeds a " Replication," and to that a
" Rejoinder;" a "Surrejoinder" next appears, in awful dignity, fol-
lowed by a "Rebutter," and then comes a "Surrebutter," and "so on.
until every species of attack and defence being exhausted, the parties
declare themselves satisfied, and prepare a " Brief," so called on account
of its enormous length, having first enjoined the sheriff to catch " twelve
good and lawful men " to appear as jurors. This is one kind of action ;
there are, however, several others, all highly interesting to the parties
concerned.
The public attention is often forcibly attracted to reports of proceedings
in the Admiralty Court, headed " The Queen against Twenty Casks of
Brandy." People naturally wonder at her Majesty's apparent antipathy
to foreign spirits, little imagining that she is really seeking to make them her
own. When a man's nose has been pulled, instead"of stating the fact in plain
teniu/ne derives a melancholy satisfaction from declaring that the defendant

assaulted him " with swords, staves, sticks, stones, cudgels, fists, and
bludgeons; and thereby and therewith beat, wounded, ill-treated, pum-
melled, kicked, maimed, bruised, and otherwise damaged him, and spoilt the
clothes he then and there had on, to wit: G coats, b' waistcoats, G pair of
trousers, 6 pairs of Boots, 6 hats, and G cloaks." The plaintiff, 1 say, may
well comfort himself by reflecting on the dangers he has providentially
escaped, and this inventory of his wardrobe (although it makes him seem
somewhat like a Jew clothesmau) is very delightful, as proving wealth and
respectability. The most distinguishing feature in an attorney's character is
philanthropy; he is the avenger of the oppressed, the champion of the
inuocent, and the benignant patron of the barrister. This last-named
official wears a horse-hair wig, to prevent his own hair standing on an end
when reciting the dreadful wickedness of the opposite party ; he invariably
assures the Court that he never rose to address them with such feelings as
agitate his bosom " on the present occasion ;" and he calls the twelve very
common-looking men who compose the Common Jury " an intelligent and
most respectable body ;" he always asks a witness who comes to prove a
man's handwriting, how often lie has been bankrupt, or taken " the
benefit?''—whether he is living with his wife—and, if not—why not ?
all this being very material to show that the coat in question was wortli
four guineas only, instead of five, and besides very agreeable to the
witness's feelings, who has an opportunity of indulging the audience with
a little small talk about his own rise and progress incite. The judge's duty
is to snub the counsel on both sides, and bother the jury by furnishing them
with a third method of looking at a case. The crier is a gentleman appointed
to drown the noise of all other people by his own system of commanding
silence ; he is also deputed to get half-a-crown from the winner, if
possible, which is invested in the purchase of half-and-half for the
Attorney-General.

PUNCH'S POLITICAL ECONOMY.

CONSUMPTION.
Every product is put to some purpose after it is created—for instance,
when sloe leaves are grown, they are used for adulterating tea, and the
destruction of values in this way is called consumption. When a joke is
spoiled in the telling,the destruction of the value amounts to consumption.
And when an insolvent person puts his hand to a bill he may be said to
consume a stamp, for he destroys its value. Political economists have,
however, omitted to mention that consumption sometimes bestows value
instead of destroying it, for when a person goes into a consumption he
becomes invested with value—as a patient—to the medical practitioner.
CAPITAL.
We have already touched on capital, but it is a subject which we are
unwilling to let go, and it may be profitable to return to it. That is,
strictly speaking, capital, which is used hymen in their different occupations.
Thus a man who writes a farce, though it be very bad, still, when finished,
he generally thinks he has a right to call it capital. An author who
publishes a novel may consider it capital ; though capital of this kind very
often carries with it no interest.
CHANGES OF CAPITAL.
Capital is incessantly undergoing change, and political economy of this
kind is daily illustrated at the foot of Waterloo Bridge, where, if you
tender a penny, change will be given you. Some persons carry their love
of political economy so far as to tender bad silver, and the change is capita!
for them, but not for the parties giving it. Capital may sometimes be
subjected to such changes that it is wholly lost sight of, as when it is
invested in theatrical speculations or joint stock companies.

WESTMINSTER : COMMON PLEAS.

We have received, by express, our Reporters note-book from this
Court, bringing up its details to tin- close of last week. The only cases of
importance'during that time, were two motions for judgment against the
Casual Ejector, and an unimportant rule for judgment as in the case of
a non-sui't. The learned Judges intimated in the latter case, that as they
had nothing to do. they should take time to consider their judgment ; and
it is fully expected that a solemn decision will be pronounced some time
during this term. As the cases referred to are of no sort of importance to
any person except the learned Members of this Court, we shall not trouble
our readers with their details.
In the absence of other matter, our reporter informs us, that a learned
Serjeant is to go in the capacity of Judge on the Western Circuit. This
unusual circumstance is said, in Westminster Hall, to result from theeo
facts. The learned leaders on the Western Circuit are very fond, it
seems, of the beainninu and middle of th-.-ir speeches, but very mucb