Punch or The London charivari (4.1843)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _61

dislike their end, which they therefore try to postpone
(like other disagreeable things) to the latest possible period.
This obliges the Judges on the Circuit to sleep a good deal
in Court ; which the Judges in the Queen's Bench and Ex-
chequer, from their constant activity, and the restlessness
of mind it produces under idleness, find it very difficult
to do. It has been accordingly suggested to Her Gracious
Majesty—which she has in the most condescending manner
approved of—that one of the Judges and one of the Ser-
jeants of the Common Pleas should be sent on this Circuit,
as the very little they have had to do a long time past
lias induced habits of sleep that will exactly lit them for
their duties. This arrangement has given great satisfac-
tion, we understand, to the leaders of the Western Circuit,
as they confidently expect to speak now as long as they
please without interruption.
Our reporter adds, that the Judges of this Court wish it
to be generally understood among their friends, that they
are not generally at home till twelve o'clock, as they cannot
get away from their Court till nearly that hour. All calls
on them, therefore, should be made before half-past ten,
when they go to Westminster, or after twelve, when they
return. The learned Serjeants do not get home till twenty
minutes later than the Judges, as they are in the habit of
hrst going to Serjeant's Inn to see if any motions have come
in for the next day.

PUNCH'S HEATHEN MYTHOLOGY.

would have been very glad to do what the Queen of England (Queen Eleanor)
afterwards, under similar circumstances did—she would instantly have enforced
on her rival the option of cold steel or prussic acid, had she dared ; but
Jupiter had sworn by the Styx that if she offered the slightest violence to
any of his other wives, be would give, her his sceptre—about her back. He
had even hinted at Tartarus and thunderbolts ; and she knew he was not to be
trifled with.
" I can't be revenged on that creature by hook," thought Juno ; * but I
will by crook, though." So she put on an old cloak and bonnet, screwed up her
face into the likeness of an old woman's, and walked into Semele's chamber as
Beroe her nurse. In this shape she persuaded her that the person who had
palmed himself upon her for Jupiter was a humbug.

CHAPTER V.—SOME ACCOUNT OF BACCHUS.
Bacchus was the God of fermented liquors, their
appurtenances, effects, and consumers. His dominion !
is much more extensive now than it was among the
ancients, who could not boast, like the moderns, of a
"large assortment" of wines; and who, although
among their vinous beverages there was one prepared
from barley, were unacquainted with true beer. The
era, however, of Barclay and Perkins, of Keid and Co.,
and of Guinness, at length arrived ; and stout, draught
and bottled, porter, half-and-half, together with the
various ales, acknowledged his divine authority. His | "What!" she said, " do you think a god, that really vat a god, would come
empire has of late received an accession in the shape of i sneakinS UP tlic back stairs muffled and moustached like a strolling vagabond
Bass's pale Indian ale, and will, no doubt, from the 1 play-actor ? Phut!—the idea ! Why, if he were but a king, or only a duke
' even, couldn't he do as he chose ? Tell him you won't have anything more
to say to him till he comes to visit you full fig, with his crown, and sceptre,
and thunderbolts, and chariot of fire. That's how Jupiter goes to see Juno. A
chariot indeed ! I'll be bound he hasn't a shilling in his pocket to pay for a cab ;
nor yet a coat to his back, besides what lie has got on. He Jupiter! he's no
Jupiter, or gentleman either."
Never listen to old women. Semele did ; and mark the consequences. The
next time Jupiter called, she made him promise to grant her whatever she should
ask, which he readily agreed to do, taking his customary affidavit.
" Then I desire," said the lady, " that you will pay your next visit to me in
state."
" Certainly, my dear," answered Jupiter, " if you wish it; but there is one slight
objection to your persisting in your request."
" What is that ?" demanded Semele.
" Only," replied the monarch, " that if I come in my thunder and lightning,
which, you know, is my court dress, I shall most inevitably burn you up to a
cinder."
" I don't care !" said Semele. She did not believe her husband ; and her fate
supplies us, or rather our wives, with another moral. Jupiter was a god of his
word ; and as she would insist upon his coming, sure enough he came. The con-
sequence was that she was consumed in his embrace in about half a minute.
Among her ashes was discovered a fine infant, whose divinity, Which he had
derived from Jupiter, had rendered him fire-proof. " Sweep up your mistress,"
said Jupiter to the attendants, " and put up that incombustible young dog with
Ino in the rumble." His command was obeyed ; and away they all started for
Olympus.
Now the facts upon which the above tale was founded, probably were, that
Semele, the mother of Bacchus, fell a martyr to a love of liquor ; her system, from
excessive drinking, having got into such a state, that she went off one night in
spontaneous combustion ; that little Bacchus, then an infant at her breast, had
the luck to escape unsinged : that in process of time he grew up to keeping a
public-house, was regarded as the prince of pot-companions during his life, and
came, after his death, to be regarded as their god.

progress of invention and intemperance, continue to
derive others. The discovery of distillation entailed
upon him a new title, that of the " Ruler of Spirits ;"
though it must not be supposed that Weber's glorious
overture of that name related to Bacchus : the spirits
whereof he is the ruler not being the spirits of the
elements, but the exciseable spirits, as whisky, brandy,
rum, gin, and Hollands.
To the cyathi, calices, and other few drinking vessels
which were formerly sacred to Bacchus, decanters,
tumblers, and rummers have been added in these latter
days ; wherein, also, he has become the god of goes,
and the patron of pots and pipes.
Not only is the worship of Bacchus still maintained,
but it is perhaps more prevalent than any other ; espe-
cially in this country, and above all in this town, where
temples, termed gin-palaces, devoted to its celebration,
abound in every street.
Many of his subjects have been lately seduced from
their allegiance by Father Mathew, and not a few-
others have been prevented from doing him that
homage which in their hearts they would fain have
paid, in consequence of the operation of the Income-
tax, which has occasioned a retrenchment in grog, and
consequently a defalcation in the revenue. However,
as the very rich drink as 'much as they please, and the
very poor as much as they can get, Bacchus can afford
the loss.
Bacchus, according to the mycologists, came, like
several other gods, into the world, that is, into heaven,
in a very odd way. Thus it was. His mother Semele
had for some months been added, quite under the rose,
to the matrimonial establishment of Jupiter. Fame, how-
ever, at last discovered the secret, which she instantlv
trumpeted into Juno's ears. Now the Queen of Heaven