Punch or The London charivari (4.1843)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 7\

A CANDID CONFESSION.

quadrille, upon the frivolous pretence that it was danced in blood
on the trampled form of Liberty.
Within the last few weeks we have offered an insult, which must
have been dictated by the most studied malice, to the nation of France.
Our clever neighbours, the French, have discovered, in spite of our- | W<~ had engaged in a doubtful and hazardous war with the Affghans
dissimulation and hypocrisy, that the late insurrection at Barcelona, aml chl"ese ! and the difficulties into which we had plunged ourselves
and consequent atrocities, are all chargeable upon us. By us, we aPPeared interminable. Everybody, of course, naturally concluded
that we were on the high road to ruin ; when, lo ! on a sudden, we
inflict on both of our foes a most signal drubbing, as if on very
purpose to disappoint the expectations of France and Frenchmen.
This was too bad of us.
The French journalists, stung by our daily repeated provocations,
declaim, with natural indignation, against us and our deeds. We,
with the intolerable pride of an aristocrat, who, lolling back in his
carriage, receives, with supercilious equanimity, the abuse of an
exasperated cabman, listen to tiieir bitterest invectives in scornful
silence. Do Ave flatter ourselves that they will stand this much
longer ? Not they; before long they will do something terrible,
depend upon that.
We did hope that the " Times," which certainly next to " Punch"
is the first paper in the world, would have undertaken to make the
amende houorabtc to France for our national misbehaviour towards her
and society at large. That journal, however, having neglected the
performance of this duty, we felt ourselves bound to discharge it;
and have accordingly made the foregoing unaffected "confession,"
in the hope that it may disarm the resentment which the offences
of our country have provoked. We hope that our acknowledgment
of our demerits and misdeeds will be taken by those to whom it
is addressed in good part, and that no imprudent periodical will
nullify this apologetical article, and throw all Paris into a frenzy, by
an injudicious sneer, or an ill-judged sarcasm, against that high-
minded nation which we have therein endeavoured to conciliate.

mean us English, not us " Punch."
Now we, taking quite a cosmopolite view of things, and soaring
above the prejudices of patriotism, are quite free to confess that we
believe this discovery of theirs to be by no manner of means a
mare's nest, and that England has really and truly, for reasons best
known to herself, been guilty of fermenting the disturbance in ques-
tion ;—in concert, we strongly suspect, with the unprincipled Man in
the Moon.
But this is not all. What we are about to say, we fear, will
materially injure our circulation ; but our grand object is Truth ;
threepences are a minor consideration : besides, we feel it our duty to
warn, even at the risk of offending, our countrymen. We have,
therefore, no hesitation in declaring that, between ourselves and the
French, we doubt not that every calamity which has befallen the
world since its creation has been occasioned, either directly or indi-
rectly, by the agency of John Bull—next to that of the devil.
English rapine, violence, and impiety, occasioned the Universal
Deluge ; at least, they would have done so had England in those days
been a nation.
The erection of the Tower of Babel (previously to which French
was the universal language) was unquestionably a building specula-
tion, set on foot by English avarice.
The Punic War, which led to the destruction of Carthage, was
brought about by the instrumentality of England, jealous of the rising
power in Africa ; as she still is : witness her paltry envy of the late
successes of France in that quarter.
It is well known that the burning of Rome in the reign of Nero
was attributed to the early Christians. There is now no doubt that
the fire was kindled by the emissaries of Britain, and it is equally
certain that afterwards the Goths and Vandals were hounded upon
the Eternal City by the machinations of the London Cabinet. Alaric
himself was an English adventurer—or at least a Scotchman—which
comes to the same thing.
The Danes, who so extensively ravaged and depopulated Europe,
mostly became Englishmen.
In the year 1580, an eminent English rogue, Sir Francis Drake,
first achieved what had always before been, and has been ever since, the
object of his knavish countrymen—he circumvented the world. The
same Drake and certain confederates, inclusive of a storm, destroyed
the Spanish Armada, which with the most benevolent intentions was
coming to visit our shores.
The discovery of the circulation of the blood by Harvey, on which
we are wont to pique ourselves, redounds, in fact, but little to our
credit; for, in the first place, it was previously known to Servetus,
who, there are divers reasons for believing, was a Frenchman ; and,
in the second, the English physician, in order to test its truth,
dissected several French captives alive.
The earthquake which in 1755 destroyed the city of Lisbon, can-
not, it is true, be directly connected with English malevolence ; but
our Government was more than suspected of conniving at it.
The horrors of the French Revolution, which are unjustly ascribed
to the mild and gentle populace of Paris, were really perpetrated, for
the most part, by a mob of English in disguise, whose crimes had ob-
liged them to leave their own country in order to escape from
justice.
Indeed England has always evinced a peculiar hostility to France,
a country whose inhabitants are, and always have been, the most quiet
inoffensive people on the face of the earth. We must say that we
behaved most rudely to our Gallic neighbours at Crecy, Poictiers,
and Agincourt; also at Blenheim, Ramilies, and Dettingen. But our
incivility during the late war transcended all our previous enormities.
In the first place, the war itself was dictated by that overbearing,
tyrannical spirit which has ever pervaded English councils. A noble
generous love of glory bade France go forth and conquer, diffusing
far and wide over the grateful nations the blessings of her bayonets,
bullets, institutions, and supremacy. Of these we, nevertheless, de-
prived mankind. " En a cant ! " cried her national voice—

NOTICES OF MOTIONS.


RISING TO PROPOSE A .MOTION.

Colonel Sjbthorpe has given notice of a mction for a return of all the
different kinds of scales that were ever made in England, with the view of
seeing whether any thing better than a sliding-scale can be found for the
purpose of applying it to corn.
Mr. Hume has moved for a return of the identical slate on which the
Chancellor of the Exchequer drew up the first figures from which he worked
out the last year's estimates.
Lord Normanby moved for a return of all the unsold copies of his novel
of Matilda, with a view to a motion on the subject of (waste) paper
currency ; showing also the evils of a non-circulating medium.
Mr. T. Duncombe has given notice of his intention to move heaven and
earth to upset the present ministry.
Mr. P. Borthwick intends moving for a copy of all writs now in the hands
of the officers of the sheriffs, and will perhaps make it the subject of a
question of privilege.
Mr. P. Borthwick will also move, without notice, from his last place of
abode, just before the rising of Parliament.

STREET NEWS.
We have nothing particular to communicate under this head. St. Mar-
tin's Court is very dirty; and we guess, from the re-appearance of straw-
bonnets in the windows, that spring is approaching. We are authorized
to announce, that the " Court," which is stated to be soon goiDg to
Brighton, is not Cowper's Court, but Victoria's. Lord William Lennox
has contracted with Gunter and the Morning Post for a few puffs to sup-
En avant. dansons, | port " The Tuft-hunter." Several confiding Tradesmen have had inter-
views with Lord Huntingtower, who looks very well after his white-
washing. Foreign intelligence is exceedingly scarce, most of the fonegners
we know being remarkably stupid.

Oontre leurs canons
Dansons k la gloire !

and we. with brute force and arms, broke through :nis pretty