Punch or The London charivari (4.1843)

80

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PUNCH'S HEATHEN MYTHOLOGY.

CHAPTER VI.—CONCERNING CERES.
Ceres was peculiarly the goddess of corn ; but her empire included
beans : in fact it was co-extensive with the dirty acres, and corre-
sponded to the vegetable kingdom. It likewise comprehended all
things thereunto pertaining ; cultivator and produce, clod and clod-
hopper, cart-horse, plough and pitch-fork, with their like.
But though Ceres presided over corn—chaff, as the learned agree,
was under the dominion of Momus. And albeit rustics were the
subjects of Ceres, Momus was the prince of clowns.
Ceres was the guardian of granaries ; and she lias at present a
large quantity of bonded corn to guard, which the sliding scale will
not let in. Now, with regard to the corn-law question, it is difficult
to guess at her opinion. As defender of the agricultural interest,
that is, the agricultural interest of this country, she would side, of
course, with the Duke of Buckingham ; as patroness of foreign hus-
bandry, with Mr. Cobden. But probably, as long as she gets her
sacrifices, she does not care twopence about the matter ; though
certainly the cheap loaf would considerably extend her worship ;
—provided that no diminution took place in wages.
The ancient Romans took the liberty—whether poetical or im-
pudent let the divinity herself decide—-to call every kind of food
made of corn, Ceres. Macaroni, muffins, and crumpets, would all,
in their day, have been termed, indifferently, Ceres. Thus would
they have ennobled the " twopenny buster ;" thus would they have
dignified the " twist." Perhaps they would have extended the same
honour to all farinaceous provisions ; and Ceres and soojie would
have been convertible terms. But the vital potion was unknown to
the mother of the Gracchi. If the Roman matrons gave their
children pap, no doubt they called that Ceres. Virgil mentions
" Cererem corruptam undis ;"—sopped meal or biscuit;—which is
much the same thing with pap.
In the line of Virgil just alluded to, the phrase " Cerealiaque arm a,"
—and baking instruments—likewise occurs. Ceres, therefore, was
the goddess of things used in baking ; except, perhaps, alum and
bone-dust.
What Ceres was, having been explained, it will now be asked, who
was she ? She bore the same relation, or rather relations, to Jupiter
with Juno. And what she was, and who she was, having been stated,
probably some one will next inquire what she had a year ? That is
a rather impertinent question ; but no matter. She had an annual
harvest in most countries, and a yearly sacrifice or two in Sicily ;
one of which, as it occurred about harvest time, may have been a
species of harvest home, llereat several swine were immolated,

much bacon devoured, and divers hymns sung to her praise and
glory, whereof one, there is reason to conjecture, began with
" Here's a health to our mistress, the founder of our feast."
This, most likely, was the original of the ditty which is sung at the
present day, or at least which was sung the other day, at similar
festivals in Hampshire and elsewhere. There, however, "mistress,"
is pronounced " mistarus," and " feast," "teeast."
A grand gala and commemoration was also held, at some place*
every fourth, and at others every fifth year, in honour of our
" Farmers' friend." This was the celebration of the Eleusian Mys-
teries, whereat the initiated were first frightened out of their wits by
various pantomimic horrors, and while in that state induced to run
about with torches (they had no squibs), shout, yell, dance, sing, and
beat pots and kettles, with a devotion that was truly edifying..
Mythologists do not mention the circumstance, but there is no doubt
that their pockets in the meanwhile were turned inside out by the
Hierophant and his assistants. These mysteries were held in high
veneration ; and he who, not being a freemason, ventured to take a.
sight at them, was instantly put to death. Socrates was accused of
having disparagingly spoken of them as 6^/807 ; for which irreverent
revelation he was very properly poisoned. What business have
philosophers to go letting out truth ; why cannot they lie still ?
At present the only sacrifices made to Ceres consist of cash. They
are paid to her priests the bakers, who, like her more ancient min-
isters, are enormous rogues, and exact a great deal more than theiu
due ; moreover, in dispensing her good things, they mix up much
rubbish with them of their own. Should heathenism ever become
the professed creed of this country, Ceres, no doubt, will have a
grand temple in Baker Street. Tithes will continue to be exacted ;
but they will be taken as far as may be practicable, in kind.
The severe domestic calamity which befel Ceres is known in most
circles except the civic. Like the Turk in the celebrated old English,
ballad of Lord Bateman, she had an only daughter, Proserpine ; who
anticipated the " beauteous Emma," by flourishing fair beneath her
mother's eye to a degree insufferably bewitching. Pluto, King of the
Netherlands, or Infernal Regions, beheld her one unlucky day as he
was lurking on the look-out behind a bush, and she was gathering
flowers on the plains of Enna. She was fond of flowers, poor tiling !
but not of flowers of brimstone ; it may be imagined, therefore, with
what feelings she would be likely to regard Pluto. His sulphureous-
majesty, however, instantly fell in love with her, and as instantly
made her his own, which feat he accomplished by the summary
process of bursting from his hiding-place and seizing her, amid the
screams of her attendant nymphs, by the waist. He then smote the
ground with his trident, Earth yawned at his command, and down he
went with his victim after the manner of Mr. 0. Smith.
Ceres, immediately on hearing of this outrage, had two swift
dragons harnessed to her chariot, and went post to Jupiter, to make

her complaint to his majesty. Jupiter at first tried to reconcile her to
the thing ; but finding it useless to take that line, he guaranteed the
restoration of her daughter, provided she had taken no refreshment

in the subterranean world. Whether Jupiter meant, by making tire
condition, to show, figuratively, how improper it is to dine Wta
inferiors, and that the exclusiveness of Olympus was to> be inflexibly