Punch or The London charivari (4.1843)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

119

THE SIDE-SCENES OF SOCiETY.

I the corpulent bachelors with curled hair—the wild young celebitaires
of five-and-forty, who flourish at those matrimonial exchanges every
autumn—but their success was not equivalent to their efforts. And
finally, disgusted at the want of taste shown by their countrymen,
chapter x.—which is briefly conclusive. tney persuaded the heads of their family to go to Paris, where we
For along time we saw very little of the Lacquers, or any of their ; again met them, living in the most expensive hotel of the dearest
connexions—principally because we did not care to pay any extra- quartier, and feeling great pleasure in paying twice as much as they

attention to a set of people who had so few feelings in common with
ourselves. We are perfectly aware that the heart, even in its proper
state, is simply a hollow muscle ; but this organ, in all the Lacquer
family was so very cavernous, that it almost resembled a human drum,
making a loud empty noise to the world from its very hollowness, but
destitute of any sympathy with its fellows.
Now and then, however, we saw the name of " Spangle Lacquer,
Esq." amongst the advertised directors of some new Improvident
Assurance Society, or in a file of aristocratic subscriptions. Then the
fashionable newspapers contrived occasionally to make a paid para-
graph look as unlike an advertisement as possible in heralding forth
the description of a, fete or soiree given by the lady ; and after that we
heard vague reports that one of the daughters was about to marry a
foreign nobleman—Count or Baron Somebody or another, whom we
had seen flitting about Hanway-yard and Regent-street. Like his
compatriot flaneurs, he was of seedy appearance, and always awakened
a wish in you to shave him, cut his hair, and plunge him into a warm
bath. Indeed, we once saw bis attention fixed at a placard outside a
fur-shop in one of the thoroughfares just named ; and when we read
the announcement of " Foreign dins washed here"


ought for every thing they purchased, to the great benefit of poor folks
like ourselves who came after them. They stopped at Paris some
little time, and then went to Switzerland and Italy. Afterwards,
somebody met them on the Rhine, and at last they returned back to
England, laden with cartloads of alabaster ornaments, German
glasses, and wonderful productions from every place they had visited,
which, we imagine, must convert their already crowded drawing-
rooms into a species of private bazaar. They could have purchased
all these things at an equally cheap rate in England, including duty
and carriage, but then the chance would have been lost of saying,
" We brought that from Florence," or, " When we were at Vienna,"
and the like speeches. Young Lacquer, whose continental gatherings
were confined to an enormous pipe, and some foreign jewellery, was
himself always talking of them. The last time we met him, we
believe that we offended him beyond reconciliation, lie was, as usual,
descanting upon his Geneva watch, his Venetian rings, his Florentino
mosaic broach, and other articles ; when we exhibited a knife which
we had purchased at Wolverhampton : and added, after he had
announced his intention of visiting Greece next year, that we thought
ourselves of spending the summer at Birmingham. He never took
any notice of us again, and since then, we have ceased to visit the
family. Our ideas are far too low and common for the refined circles
we should meet at their house.
And so we will bid them good bye ; and leave them in all the pride
of their position. They form but one specimen of a class comprising
thousands, who appear to think that money alone is necessary to
attain distinction in the great world ; and that an almost slavish
compliance with the most fiddle-faddle conventions of fashion can
alone ensure to them an eligible station in society.
We admit with sorrow that the prototypes of the Spangle Lacquers
form the greater portion of the middling circles ; and we have
endeavoured in the preceding sketches, if they were too blinded by
their own lustre to see it themselves, at all events to show to others
the hollow motives which rule so many of our acquaintances in their
social ceremonies. And we fear all this will continue until people visit
only those whom they really have a regard for, unbiassed by show-off
interest, or, though last not least, the fear of what other people think.
As long as they give way to the opinions of their neighbours, they are
theslaves insteadof the rulersof theircircle,howeverindependent they
may pretend to be. When parties shall be given for the sake of
collecting together esteemed friends, instead of displaying plate and
crockery, this change will be effected ; but until then, the empty pomp
of society towards those whom it affects to honour, will exhibit the
same aspect of dreary ostentation as the stand of feathers which the
undertaker carries on his head like a tray of pies, does to the corpse
u is n>tended to dignify.

WHYS AND WHENS.
BY AN EMINENT PROFESSOR.

we thought what great advantages the establishment could offer to
many of the Continentalists who crowd our pavements.
Subsequently the match was off; and people said he behaved
very badly. For our own part, we think his conduct was strictly
honourable ; inasmuch as when he heard that the father lived up to
his income, and did not mean to give his daughters anything until he
died, the foreign nobleman with a fine sense of feeling declined \ ge^^e^t"^rows down"
dragging Miss Lacquer into a state of poverty—his own property . . '
being curiously minute, and worthy of forming an interesting object ; ^Jjffi* ™Z?ZZtLf°! „ !' j
for the Oxyhydrogen Microscope at the Polytechnic Institution.
As regarded both the young ladies, affairs were beginning to get
desperate, and the usual round of expensive marine boarding-houses
was recommended. Here they commenced their attacks upon all

What is the difference between a soldier and a bomb-shell ?
One goes to wars—the other to pieces.
Why isn't a widow like her bonnet ?
Because ODe takes off and the other takes on.
When is a pig like peas in a garden ?
When it requires sticking.
Why is a rook's throat like a road ?
Because it's his caw's-way.
Why is a corn-field gayer than any other ?
Because it runs in rigs and has lots of larks.
Why is a cow's tail like a swan's bosom ?

Because she don't get what she cries for.
Why is Guy Faux always over-dressed ?
Because he's done to rags in the morning and burnt to a cinder in
the evening.