Punch or The London charivari (4.1843)

236

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SIR VALENTINE BLAKE'S PARLIAMENT.

When people forget Magna Charta, there may be a chance that
Sir Valentine Bi.ake shall pass into oblivion. Until then, the
new constitution for England—written in a beautiful crow-quill hand
upon a sheet of "Queen's note-paper," by Sir Valentine, and
read over in the House of Commons to the grateful laughter of the
senators assembled—shall live in the memories of men as a thing too
good to be true. Plato's republic—Sir Thomas More's Utopia—
Bacon's New Atnlantls—all are the dreams of visionaries compared to
the fine practical wisdom of Sir Valentine's bill, crushed as it was
in the bud—broken in the very shell, by a stiff-necked generation of
legislators, who, like curly puppies, have not yet the eyes to bear the
light! '
Sir Valentine, however, may take this pride to himself. He
stands alone in the House of Commons. He is single as the phoenix.
With a boldness which could only arise from conscious genius, Sir
Valentine proposed his bill; but there was not another sufficiently
intrepid to second it. Whereupon, Sir Valentine took his seat,
and his motion fell to the ground.
The bill was, moreover, infamously used by the Reporters, who
scarcely vouchsafed to it an appearance in their columns. No : they
thought, with the murderers in the play, that " smothering was the
quietest " and, therefore, dealt in the vaguest generalities. Happily
Sir Valentine has a friend in Punch, who was immediately
honoured with the original draught of the intended statute, whereof
the subjoined is a faithful copy.
The preamble, after stating that the House of Commons has
amongst its members an infinite number more than are of the slightest
practical use to the nation (and the reader cannot fail to mark the
beautiful disinterestedness of this avowal on the part of Sir Valen-
tine), proceeds to state the process by which the present number
shall be lessened, and the future lawgivers elected.
The first clause enacts, that no man who has been found guilty of
laughing at Colonel Sibthouh shall be held capable to sit again in
Parliament. (It is thought that this clause alone will pretty nearly
clear the House.)
Every member who has snored during a speech from Mr. Hujie,


the torture of thr screw.

or has cried "hear, hear" in his sleep, at Sir Rohert Peel, shall
also be ineligible.
Every Member who has made up his vote without troubling him-
self to make up his mind, shall be barred for ever from the House,
which shall henceforth consist of no more and no less than five-and-
twenty members ; this resolution being, it is calculated, very favour-
able to the suppression of much bad language.
As to the mode of election polling, it is to be entirely done away
with, as conducive to all sorts of immorality ; " besides," says Sir
Valentine, " bribery and drunkenness" of every variety. Every
member will be elected according to the exhibition of their various
powers, tested before the whole kingdom.
I bus, Sir Robert Peel, if he be again desirous of representing

Tamworth, will have to obtain that dignity by proving that he can
smile, and occasionally grin, more seductively than any other can-
didate, through a horse-collar.
If Colonel Sibthorp would again sit for Lincoln, he must win the
honour by grasping a hog with a scraped tail more firmly than any
other competitor. In expectation of the event, the Colonel is, we
are told, daily practising upon a guinea-pig !
As to the internal arrangements of the House of Commons,—cigars,
wine, spirits and niglit-caps are to be found by the Government ;
and when the numbers are equal upon a division, the Speaker is to
toss up a half-crown with himself for a casting vote.
The Bill is, unhappily, lost for the present Session ; but Sir Va-
lentine Blake has privately assured Punch that the Bill shall be
brought in the very first day of the next.

SHAMEFUL REPORT!

Mr. Punch,—Will you, sir, allow me to draw your attention to
the subjoined, which appeared in the columns of The Morning Herald $
" It is rumoured that, previous to the nuptials of the Princess Augusta of Cambridge
with the Grand Duke of Mecklenburg, an application will be made to Parliament, by
Ministers, to settle an annuity on that Princess of 3,000/. per annum. The ceremony i»
now understood to be fixed for the first week in July."
As the father of the Princess, allow me to give the most unequi-
vocal denial to this rumour. What! is it likely ? With the country
in its present agoDy of poverty,--is it probable that I would permit
my daughter (the future Grand Duchess of Mecklenburg, be it
understood), to become a pensioner on England? Shall I ask Eng-
lishmen to support the wife of~» foreign Grand Duke \ Were this
done, I ask you, Mr. Punch, with what face could I take my old
accustomed chair at the charity-dinners of the metropolis I
Pray contradict the wicked rumour, and believe me to be, your
constant reader, Cambridge.

THE KING OF HANOVER AND THE EGG MERCHANTS.
We understand that the Egg Merchants, whose hopes had been greatly
raised by the announcement in our last of the expected arrival of the
King of Hanover, have had a meeting to know what is to be done with
the enormous stock of eggs that had been laid in with a view to the arrival
of his Hanoverian Majesty. The meeting took place at Lambeth, where
the investment had been most considerable ; and thousands had been in
attendance about the Marsh-gate and the Westminster-road, with the
intention of showing the Hanoverian autocrat how the yolk may be thrown
°ffby a free people. (Oh !) Bis Majesty, not wishing to run the risk of
a game at chicken hazard with the populace, delayed his arrival till the
next day, and ultimately came by a different road ; so that the eggs remain
in the hands of the dealers.
It was stated at the meeting, that Baron Nathan had, in the handsomest
manner, come forward, and offered to take off a large proportion of the
eggs, for the purpose of teaching his pupils the Cracovienne. This
announcement was received with enthusiastic cheering.

GROANS OF THE GLOOMY.

Gay is the summer sun,
Bright is the autumn sky,
And glad the fields where lamblings run,
But a doieful wretch am I.
Others can blandly smile
Their hearts are glad within,
They can laugh when all is bright the while,
But alas ! I can only grin !
How jocund is the cock !
How merry is the hen I
How skipsome and happy the shepherd's tiock.
As they rollick about in then- pen 1
The horse within his stall,
The pig within his sty,
Are happy both—yes, happy are ail,
But oh 1 what a beast am I 1
Dull is the lonely dell,
And mournful is the breeze
As it whistles along the gloomy glen,
And murmurs in the trees :
But dell and breeze and glen,
Are jolly as jolly can be
When compared with the miserablest of men,
I mean when compared witti me !!