Punch or The London charivari: Punch or The London charivari (5.1843)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

65

PUNCH TO THE AFFLUENT,

A kotable paragraph hath appeared in the Morning Chronicle, to
this effect. That, whereas, a certain Quaker, rich in yellow earth,
which men call gold, finding himself about to depart for that realm
" whose glory is the light of setting suns," did—and the fact is recent
—upon his death-bed will and bequeath unto Washington Irving,
American, and writer of Knickerbocker's History of New Yoi'k, the Sketclt-
Book, and divers other dainty and delicious histories and pleasant
tales,—a most abounding fortune. In few words, the Quaker hath
made "Washington Irving a man "of land and beeves !" Bless thee,
broadbrim, for the deed ! May the dews of Heaven keep green the
turf that covers thee, and a nightingale sing upon thy tombstone !
that is, if Quaker faith permit such post-obit ostentations.

Theparagraphist of the Chronicle, in the carelessness or ignorance of
his heart, says, the Quaker hath left so much money to the author,
albeit to the said Quaker the said Washington Irving was unknown ;
yea, a perfect stranger. What a blunder is here ! True it may be,
the Quaker may have never seen the said Irving ; may have never
heard the tone of his voice. What of that ? Had not the Quaker
read and read " the red-leaved tablet" of the said Washington's heart;
knew he him not spiritually ? Had he not seen him eye to eye—
heard his voice—grasped his hand, and felt the blood run like a
summer river through the veins, as he, the Quaker, bent his wise and
tender-hearted head—(this is no blunder, reader ; we have known
men with a good lump of heart, nay, with nothing else, in their very
crania)—over the right-trusty and wTell-beloved Irving's pages ? And
was the Quaker stranger? Nay, Obadiali and Washington, though
the said Washington knew it not, were sworn friends ; men of one
piece ; their hearts sluiced with the same blood. Obadiali had sat
many a winter's evening talking, talking with American Washington,
and smiling, laughing, looking pleasurably sad with that company of
many-coloured minds which the wizard Irving had caused to be
enshrined in printer's black letters, to be evoked therefrom by a mere
glance of the eyeball! And Obadiali dying, hath made memorable
his gratitude—his friendship to Washington ; the Quaker hath left
the author rich !

This notable thing—like all other notable things, from the first
chopping of the egg by Columbus—makes us marvel that it was
never discovered before ; it was so simple—so very, very easy to be
done, yet—until the Quaker came—nobody did it !

We hear fifty voices cry out—we see fifty reddened faces and
anxious looks. " Had the Quaker no relations ?" is the shout. " Was
there no nephew—no cousin in the first degree—second—tenth —
fifteenth ? AVas there no very great-great aunt, to call the Quaker
kin ? Could the man forget his own flesh and blood, and leave his
blessed money—the wicked wretch !—to a stranger ? "

Soft, now, good people : flesh and blood are very pretty syllables ;
respectable words, that, from the time Adam wooed and wedded his
own rib, have had a proper influence on the world. Still the syllables
have been jingled, and men have acknowledged the decency of the
music. Nevertheless, it may happen that the words may now and
then want harmony ; that, instead of setting a man's heart dancing
as to pipe and tabor, they may set his teeth on edge as though he heard
the sharpening of a saw. A man may have a wen big as a foot-ball
in his neck ; that wen shall be, most certainly, his flesh and blood, or
substance assimilating thereto. Well, he yearns to get rid of it. He
cannot help but acknowledge the wen ; it is there—Heaven help him !
—and all men see it. Right willingly would he disown it. -Now, a
man may have other wens (his flesh and blood) no more graceful than
that foul globe in his neck : other wens, his flesh and blood, though
they walk about in separate clothing—wear other hats—and talk
audibly. And shall these things (in all cases) take precedence of the
kindred of a man's mind; of the relatives of his soul ; of the part and
parcel, and, as he sometimes feels, the brightest portion of his immor-
tal spirit? We know not whether the Quaker had wens in Drab ;
but if he had, he thought otherwise, and made glorious Pen and Ink
his heirs and successors.

We appeal to the affluent; not for ourselves—we know mankind
better. A miserable, shuffling, hard-exacting set have we found
them. Understand us : we speak of those days when we were wont
to set up our pulpit exclusively in courts, and alleys, and highways.
"What! mankind? Have we not seen the shuffling, the sneaking-
tiff—the open, undisguised running away—the brazen taking to
heels when the man (our own man) has come round with the
hat ? How have we beheld the fat, purple-faced man of money
laugh at our practical philosophy*—laugh until the tears have rolled
dowa his cheeks, and fairly hissed on his red nose ; and then, when

our man (our own man) has presented the hat, the pulpy laugher
hath suddenly looked savage, and grasping his umbrella, walked
blusteringly off, as though bolting from some pick-purse or poor
relation. Thus have men treated Punch ; but that was in his days of
street squalor and misery, ere he could cover himself with a rag—
having first converted the said rag into paper—and appear arm-in-
arm with the printer. Now, indeed, Punch is greeted by all men ;
now—but no ! perish the dirty feeling of triumph ; and to our task.

Punch appeals not to the affluent for himself, lie is content, ay,
jocund with his weekly three-pence (four-pence to friends per post),
and happy in the magnanimous knowledge that he gives a crown's-
worth for the money. Hence, Punch addresses not the affluent for his
own interest. Punch speaks for his friends. There is no doubt
that the splendid example set by Obadiah will be followed by
hundreds. Such is ever the case when one great mind strikes out an
original thought. We shall now hear of nothing but rich people
dying on purpose to cheat their own flesh and blood, and leave their
property to aliens of the goose-quill. It was only yesterday that
there was a very strong report of a certain rope-maker at Ber-
monasey having cut off" his six children, and left the whole of his
wealth to the author of Jack Sheppard. What says Nerissa ? —

" Good men at their death have holy inspirations."

And, no doubt, the rope-maker acted upon the just deserts of the
author.

As, however, there will no doubt be a new law, a sort of literary
mortmain, to restrain the last dying wishes of the benevolent rich,
Punch advises all affluent persons in a weak and uncertain state of
health, to make their wills at once, and so defeat the legislature.
We know that there have already been meetings in the Bank
Parlour of the Directors, all of whom have named their heirs from
the workers of Paternoster Row ; and we counsel all men to copy
the wise alacrity of the prime functionaries of Plutus.

Punch proposes an early notice of his own Lord Brougham's
Practical Philosophy. In the mean time, Punch selects from Part
II. the following extract, by which—as his Lordship would after
all insinuate—it appears that men of the goose-quill have all along
had some notion that, some day, some rich man would shake some
of his crumbs to some of them. Hear our own Henry :—

" Persons of known wealth could be named in our own day, and i;i this country, so
boastful of its independent spirit, who were never known to assist any literary man, and
probably never would had they lived for a century, and of whom nil connected xcith the
press stood, in a kind of awe approaching to reverknce, merely because they could,
if they would, befriend the caste of authors!"—(Brougham's Practical Philosophy,
Part II., p. 24.)

In conclusion, Punch has to state that at his office will be found
a list of literary names," worthy of the consideration of the affluent."
There will also be provided proper printed forms, with directions to
fill up : or if the parties require the luxurious superfluity, they may
have an attorney with wax and sheepskin.

It will not be the fault oi Punch, if in a future Number he do not
give a full account of the bequests. Q.

THE FASHIONABLE WORLD.

Tjie infant children of Mrs. Tomkins took an airing yesterday ia
Finsbury-square. Miss Tomkins also walked for an hour in the enclosure,
ill'. Hancock entertained a large party at dinner on Wednesday, at hia-

DININC. FROM THE " CART!-:."

rooms in Rupert-street. Covers were laid for as many as chose to come ;
and the expenses of the various guests were defrayed by themselves.
The band of the 51st Light Pianos were stationed in the street, and per-
formed several admired pieces of music during dinner.

The Honourable Augustus Doo ieft Newman-street, this morning, for a
tour across the Thames, to the Que n's Bench, where he proposes to drink
the waters for some time.

A work" is advertised in the current papers under the euphonious title
of" The Muck Manual."' We have not yet seen it ; but we believe we
are right in stating it to be a collection of Fashionable and Theatrical
a nicies reprinted the Morning Post.

You. 5.