Punch or The London charivari: Punch or The London charivari (5.1843)

86 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

MUTUAL rERBAL EXCHANGE.

Sir,—Among the evils o our social system, one of the greatest is the
want of sympathy which exists between the higher and lower classes.
This, it appears to me, might in some measure be remedied by a mutuai
interchange of those advantages which are at present peculiar to one or
the other order. For instance, on the one hand, parliamentary language-
might be introduced into the manufactories, and the current phrases of
polite society be adopted in the necessary conversation which takes place
between various artisans conducting any operation in concert. " Oblige-
me with that hod," and " Have the kindness to hand me that gimlet,""
are phras.es which might be well substituted for a request to " chuck " or
" fork u> ' this here " and " that 'ere." On the other hand, the more,
elevated ranks might learn a few things from their inferiors, which, if un-
attended with any other benefit, would enlarge the sphere of their amuse-
ments. There is a species of harmless diversion in which operatives of
various kinds—individuals who drive cabs and omnibuses, and other
persons of their grade—are very prone to indulge, whereunto the aristo-
cracy are at present strangers, but which, in a modified form, would
greatly tend to enliven the dinner party or the soiree, and would much
enhance the pleasantness of those little causeries iu the Opera box, which
your friend Mr. Jenkins talks about. The diversion to which I allude ia
denominated " Chaff." It consists in certain playful allusions, sometimes
to the profession, sometimes ro the personal peculiarities or the costume of
the individual addressed, to a misadventure of which he has been the hero,
to an affair of gallantry wherein he has been concerned,—in short, to any-
thing which may create an innocent laugh at his expense, without

PUTTING HIS METAL UP.

At this moment I observed the door open, and Apothecary Lintlev,
followed by some one whose face I could not see, was about to enter.
He, however, shrank back, the door remaining ajar. The noise
caused by Mrs. Gaptooth enabled Lintley to make this backward
! movement without being noticed.

" I was happy, at least I was content, when you—like some bad
tiling"—said Patty—"when you besej mv daily walk ; when you
| followed me to my home; when you uttered words to me—you, an
old woman that should have advised, have comforted a helpless crea-
: ture like myself—when you tempted me with—but you know the
wickedness, the shame. It was to avoid you, who seemed to taint
' my life, I left a comfortable home—lost the means of certain bread.
I was driven—by want and sickness driven to the miserable house,
where the most cruel accident''—

"Accident! Ha! ha !" chuckled Mrs. Gaptooth. "Accident put
a gold watch in a lady's bed ! And do you know what comes of such
accidents ?"

Patty looked pityingly upon the hard-hearted creature, saying—
" Yes ; I know."

" And now, you would have the impudence to abuse me—who
Vt-ould have been your best friend—you, standing there, so bold and
glib, do you know that you mayn't have another month to live ?"

" Oh ! Mrs. Gaptooth ! " cried the turnkey's wife, moved by the
fiendish malice of the hag.

"She does not hurt me ; let her speak," said Patty, with a patient,
yet a worn and wearied look. " It is very true," she then said, turn-
ing to the wretched woman, " another mcntli—or less—and I may be
with the dead. I do not fear to go to them ; and that, your own
heart will tell you so—none better—that is much. Let me then seem
to you a dying creature ; and with my dying breath, let me- poor,
: wretched woman !—let me pray you to repent. Consider it ; what
a weight of broken hearts is upon your soul! What daily misery,
what nights of horror, fall to your account. Repent, I say ; or what,
indeed, will be the last hour to you ? What the thoughts of helpless,
happy, thoughtless creatures, snared and killed by your wickedness.
Again, I say, repent! "

There was a moment's pause. The old woman had recoiled, shrunk
beneath the quiet energy of soul with which Patty addressed her.
There was a pause ; and the woman with a tenacity' of evil—a daring
resolution not to be awed and beaten by a girl—shrieked at her.
Many of her words were unintelligible from their shrill volubility :
they seemed to me the sounds of some fierce, brutish thing. " What
you ! you ! you ! " at last I distinguished. "You to preach to me !
Tome ! Now, I tell you what—I tell you what," screamed the
harridan, approaching Patty with clenched trembling fists—" I '11 see
you hanged—I '11 see you hanged ! If I give twenty guineas for a
window, I '11 see you hanged—J '11 see you hanged! Twenty guineas !
Twenty guineas ! "

The door opened, and Apothecary Lintley, followed by Mr. Ingle-
wood—whom we trust the reader has not wholly forgotten—entered
, the room.

"What wretched creature is this?" asked Lintley, looking at
Mrs. Gaptooth, as she stood writhing and spent with execration.

She, however, made one last raging effort; for, bursting into a loud
hysteric laugh, she exclaimed, " Twenty guineas to see her hanged !
Twenty guineas !"

And screaming, the old demoniacal woman rushed from the room.

FASHIONS FOR THE WEEK.

The half-crown shooting-blouses with a watch-pocket at the side,
warranted to hold all the grouse that will be shot by the wearer, are
now in great vogue. For Gravesend excursions the favourite article
in waistcoats is none at all, and the shirt is decidedlv decolte, savin"-

i * • 3 O

the annoyance—and expense—of a neck-handkerchief. An elegant
substitute for the cravat is a bit of mousselinc de laive, a few inches
long, or a piece of broad shoe-string, to which the recherche name of
"Byron tie" has been given. We have observed nothing new in
trowsers, except the ingenious method of lengthening last year's old
ones, by going without braces, and keeping the shooting-blouse
closely buttoned to conceal the untidiness. The last thing in gloves,
j and certainly the last tiling we should patronise, is the fourpenny
men's Berlin. We have seen a very pleasing effect produced by a
d eg age- shoe, slightly down at heel, and affording a glimpse of a very-
rich, elaborately-darned sock, which is also allowed in some cases to
show by p. side fissure in the clxtussure, which is slightly slashed to
; admit of it.

Now this description of badinage would be a great improvement upon
the common-places and inanities of which fashionable dialogue too often
consists. I propose to show how it might be adapted to the circum-
stances of the world of Ion. The superior classes might "chaff" each
other as follows : —

Ah ! my Lord Duke ; permit me to ask what your Lordship would1
feel disposed to accept for your coronet ?

Pray, Mr. Secretary, how are you circumstanced with respect to red
tape \

King-at- Arms, will you oblige me by informing me of what material
your Garter is composed ?

1 believe, my Lord, you are a Knight of the Bath ; pray, is your stay
at present in the possession of your Lordship's uncle?

Mr. Attorney-General, can you furnish me with any information on the
subject of parchment ?

M y Lord High Admiral, your lordship is getting stc-ut ; may I suggest,
under existing circumstances, the propriety of "letting out a reef ?rr
Could you dispose of a little of that adipose surperfluity to my noble
friend the Marquis here ?

Sir Henry, upon my honour, you would have a fine Roman nose, if it
were only curved the other way.

My lady, there is not the slightest necessity, I assure your ladyship,,
for placing your hand upon that cushion, we are all perfectly wel! aware
that it is extremely handsome.

I suppose your Grace flatters yourself that you arc creating a strong
sensation in that tunic ?

Mr. High Sheriff, am I mistaken in supposing that that sword of yours
came from Sheffield ?

We rather imagine ourselves distingue with those mustaches ; do we
not, Captain ?

That is a spirited animal of yours, Count ; did you purchase him at ;
Smithfield Market ? Fine display of anatomy about the ribs ! How all
the dogs stare at him !

I hope, Sir Thomas, you enjoyed the cool bath you had in that odori-
ferous watercourse, the other day, at the steeple-chase.

Ah ! my honourable friend, allow me to congratulate you o» the amuse-
ment you afforded the House the other night. Perhaps, when aext you
make a motion, you will endeavour to learn your speech.

1 heard of a noble Earl who slightly inserted his foot, the other day,
in an attempt to break the ice ; surely it could not have been your j
Lordship 1

A.'i! Lord William, when are we to have something fresh in the style of
Sir Walter ?''

Hoping, Mr. Punch, that the adoption of the suggestion above made-
and exemplified will promote mirth among the nobility and gentry, ani?
fellow-feeling between them and their inferiors, 1 am, &c.,

Philanthropos.