Punch or The London charivari: Punch or The London charivari (5.1843)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

The ingenuity of the practitioner will supply him with many variations
on the above formulae, and enable him to imitate divers potations, as
Bishop, Cardinal, Dog's Nose, and others, with great advantage and
success. He will thus cure numbers of patients ; his fame will increase ;
his pocket will fill ; he will be able to marry the girl of his heart; and will
soon ride in his carriage.

Should any one accuse Punch of having, by the above suggestion,
instructed those to whom it is addressed, to swindle ; all he can say is,
that those who may be taken in will have only themselves to blame for
not reading him.

SHOCKING IGNORANCE!

A commission of inquiry has been instituted by Punch into the amount
of knowledge of domestic economy possessed by young men in general;
that/is to say, of knowledge which will one day or other be absolutely
necessary to them, but wherein they are, he regrets to say, most lament-
ably deficient, as will be seen from the subjoined extracts from the Report
of his Commissioners.

" Richard Bradshaw examined—Belongs to no profession. Has a small
independence of his own. Lives in lodgings with partial board. Knows the
Cock in Fleet Street ; also the Cheshire Cheese, and the Rainbow. Has

Has served in the country, but has come up to complete l>is studies in town.
Is in the habit of taking mustard with beef. Has no conception how it is
made. It may be mixed with cream for aught he knows. Cannot say
what is the price of it per lb., nor whether it is sold by weight or mea-
sure. Has heard talk of Mousseline de Laine ; also of Gros de Naples;
should not know one from the other if he saw them. Knows what apple-
sauce is good with. Cannot say how long it takes to roast a goose : should
think it depended on the fire."

To the family readers of Punch the above disclosures will be horri-
fying ; but it is to be hoped that their publication will pave the way for
some national measure of education, calculated to remedy the melancholy
intellectual destitution prevailing among our youthful bachelor population :
whereof they present but a faint picture.

THE NEW REGULATION HAT.

often been to the Albion ; it is called Simpson's. Knows what calves'-
foot-jelly is ; has tasted it at evening parties. Does not know how it is
prepared ; should imagine with something else besides calves'-feet ;
apples, perhaps, or white currants. Knows the difference between Brown
Holland and Brown Sherry. The former is a cloth. Wore pinafores of
it in his younger days. It may be made of cotton, or it may be made of
flax, cannot say which, nor what it is a yard. Knows a merino from a
Macintosh ; the former is a sheep ; the latter is a garment, which he
sometimes wears. Cannot tell what huckaback is ; if he guessed, should
say it was a fish. A chinchilla is a sort of tippet or boa ; fancies it is
made from Angora wool. A pelerine is either a sash or a riding-habit ;
should think he knew what a Cardinal was ; it was something like a
Bishop. There were nutmegs in it and cloves. The price of coals was
three-and-sixpence a week ; did not know what Eden-Main was a clialdroti.
Has no idea what " Best Screened " means. Coffee was four-pence a
cup ; could not tell which was dearest, Souchong or Bohea : was not in
general accustomed to take tea of an evening."

" William Hawkins, medical student :—Is twenty-one, and expects
to pass the Hall shortly. Has heard of an aitch-bone of beef; thinks
he knows it when he sees it, but cannot tell what part of the ox it is
taken from. Has no idea what lump-sugar is a pound ; believes it,
however, to be dearer than brown. Knows very well what a pork-chop
is ; it co^ts seven-pence. Never had one from the butcher ; cannot say
what he would have paid if he had ; thinks two-pence or three-pence : has
an idea that tavern-keepers cheat dreadfully. Knows what the charge for
stewed cheese is ; has no notion what good cheese is per lb. ; supposes the
price to vary. A pot of beer is four-pence ; and half-and-half, sixpence ;
tu ale, eightpence ; does not know what a barrel of stout from the brewer's
comes to per gallon. Is sure that mould candles are cheaper than dips ;
tut cannot tell how much, nor how many of either go to the pound. A
cabman's fare is eight-pence a mile ; cannot calculate a cook's wages."

Tomkins Adams, articled clerk :—Is nearly out of his clerkship.

Considerable sensation has been excited in military circles, and par-
ticularly among the heads of the army, by the announcement of an intention
to bonnet the whole infantry with a sort ^
of pantomimic head-gear, such as is
generally worn by the Demon of Revenge
in the Cave of Despair, just before the
scene changes to the abode of blue fire
and blissfulness. This extraordinary
castor is due to the inventive power of
Prince Albert, who, with a spirit of pure
philanthropy, has endeavoured to devise
a hat which may spare the effusion of
blood, by substituting the terrors of the
sombrero for the horrors of the musket
It is expected that when an opposing rank
catches a glimpse of the frightful old files,
that the veterans of the British army will
be converted into by these monstrosities,
they will instantly take to their heels.

We should earnestly recommend that if
the pensioners lately hunted out from the
Hospital at Chelsea, are to be thrown
again into arms—some of them, alas !
have long ceased to know the solace and
convenience of legs—we should suggest,
we say, that these veterans should be
provided with these hats, and thus ren-
dered serviceable in the only way in
which they can be expected to become
so—as scarecrows to a rebellious and unarmed populac e. It is true that to
a mob a soldier is formidable in any guise, but we d> ubt if much terror
will be inspired by such Guys, as the Regulation Ilat will render the
ignoble and degraded successor of the Saxou warrior.

We have been at an enormous expense to get a drawing of this hat, and
the only merit we claim for our sketch is its being wholly unlike the un-
sightly original. Our artist has flattered the hat, with considerable
tastiness.

REBECCA IN LONDON.

Rebecca has been in the neighbourhood of the London University, and
has dreadfully unhinged, not only the gate, but the gate-keeper. Having
been warned that Rebecca would be abroad, the gate-keeper thought it
would be more prudent for him to remain at home ; and, having been
advised to look out, he received the advice in the best possible way, for he
slept upon it. Having been warned to be at his post, he did not come,
so that Rebecca and her movement party found no bar to their progress.
A cabman, who has often suffered the most humiliating treatment from
the gate-keeper, is supposed to have been at the head—and perhaps at the
tail—of the conspiracy to Rebeccaise the neighbourhood of the New Road,
and make Gower-street North a sort of miniature Carmarthen. We
understand that the alderman of Cripplegate has had a threatening letter,
intimating that his gate is objectionable. Whether it is Cripplegate-within
we cannot say, but we know that Cripplegate is without, and we are there-
fore unable to solve the mystery.

Royal and Ministerial Movements.

Sir R. Peel's manner at Windsor being unpleasant to Her Majesty,
the Rt. Hon. Baronet has removed to his own manor at Drayton.

The Duke of Wellington having taken it cool all the Session, has gone
to Walmer.

The Prince of Wales having had an indigestion from eating an unripe
Swan's-egg pear, has been ordered to try Windsor.

The Repeal Cap.

Mr. Hogan, the sculptor, has designed a cap for the Repealers, which,
however beautiful in itself, is by no means illustrative of the prime object
of O'Connell. The Repeal cap should be a cap without a crown.