DOI issue:
January to June, 1844
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16519#0055
PUKCH, OK THE LOTS'DOiN CHARIVARI.
57
PHILANTHROPY" IN THE BAIL COURT.
Almost fainting with intense delight, we extract the subjoined
paragraph from the Times:—
"Bail Cotjbt.—In the matter op -.—Mr. Atherton moved that an attorney
might, at his own requrst, be struck off the roll, in order that he might be more entirely
at liberty to pursue ' philanihropical occupations,'
" The application was gTanted."
A cannibal who has forsworn man's flesh, and, moved only by his
own stomach, contents himself with milk diet ; a shark that turns
from "a man overboard," meekly swallowing seaweed, and not Bex
Binnacle ; a porcupine suddenly softened ii>to a beaver ; a web-
spinning, fly-catching spider changed into a honey-bee ; Lord
Brougham turned to a monosyllabic Quaker, and never turning
again ;—any one of these transformations might call from Punch a
passing paragraph of wonderment. But that an attorney—(no, we
must have a new line for the miracle) : —
But that an attorney should dash legal ink (alchemic fluid !) from
his lips—tear sheepskin from his bosom—and, untangling red tape
from his heart-strings, become, in the face of all the inns of court,
a philanthropist — spirit of departed pantomime! where is such
another change ? We know no parallel in human experience. True
it is, that Peachem talks of one of his gang, who resolves to forego
picking pockets and return to tailoring, which "he calls an honest
employment:" but this is fiction. Now, "-." of the Bail Court,
is stranger than The Beggar's Opera .'
Is the man—benevolent apostate !—safe ? Will he not be way-
laid and maltreated by attorneys st'dl in the ink ? Will not Chancery-
lane compass his ruin ? Can he defy Clifford's Inn ? Are there no
perils in Cursitor-street ? No pounce-box bravoes lying perch in
Gray's-inn-square ? We know, among the Mahometans, the relent-
less cruelty with which they follow a backslider from their faith.
Now, whatever satirists may insinuate, attorneys are but men ; and
can they forgive this large, this most eccentric insult offered by
*'-" to their whole body ? Can English solicitors be thought
more merciful than Turks ! We fear not. Hence our anxiety.
Hence, though we may weep lachrymatories full, we shall drop no
drop in surprise if "-" be found strangled with red tape ; and
pinned on his breast a label, professionally engrossed with these
words —
" CTje pf)tlantT)r0}Hs't; or tfzlsc QUaxmt)! "
We see in this the germ of a minor theatre drama. 0. Smith, as the
assassin copying-clerk, rises dimly before us.
Sir James Gkaham, have you any bowels ? But why do we ask
—have you not turned yourself inside out? Nevertheless, affect,
man, a heart; and let that heart feel for a brother apostate. Hence,
surround the steps of "--" with police, from A to &c. !
"At his own request to be struck off the roll." To cast, by the
vigour of benevolence, his old moral skin, scribbled and stained, and
sealed with blushing wax,—all over ; writ with vile verbosity, blotted
v. ith tautology, crammed with hocus-pocus,—to throw off this vile
parchment of the attorney, and suddenly to rejoice in the white
cuticle (pure and radiant as the gown of a bride) of—of—of a phi-
lanthropist ! Punch almost faints with excess of rapture at the
spectacle !
There! We have kicked off our shoes, have thrown away our
stockings ; and with feet bare as Lord Brougham's face, we offer to
make a pilgrimage over twenty leagues of broken glass, to take one
good look at the countenance of "-!" Only one look ! And
w herefore 2 Because that one glance would fortify us for life. Having
gazed upon the features of philanthropist, late attorney, we should
have no fear of the in-aV occhio, the evil eye of the whole law-list. We
would heed not the Anthropophagi who still haunt chambers ; the
legal men-eaters who, with the knife and fork of costs, will devour a
man and his wife, and after, wipe their lips with the provided baby-
linen.
"To pursue philanthropical occupations !"—
Still are we kept wondering. Where is "-?" What is he
about ? What glorious task is the fruit of his new condition ? Is he,
while we write, at the ear of Sir Robert Peel, prompting philan-
thropy for the Queen's Speech ? Is he at the Dublin Trials, whispering
to that very bilious Attorney-General ? Is he in the study of Alder-
man Gibbs, suggesting that something of the balance handsomely
presented to him by the select vestry, should be given to the poor of
St. Olave's ? Is he at Somerset House, preaching words of milk and
honey to the Poor Law Commissioners ? or is he kneeling by the
fcide of the last victim of the law, a peasant of ninety, in his death-
struggle on the highway ?
It may be that "-" is at the west-end, among the dowagers.
If so, oh "-!" we pray thee stick needles, yet stick them
gently, ticklingly into the memories of the rich and great, that they
may not, after all the talk, forget the poor Shirt-makers ; for Benevo-
lence very often, like a dog, runs about with her tongue out, yetj
somehow, forgets to show her heart.
{Theatrical IntdliQcncf.
the play s the thing.
There has been a pressure lately upon " Ham Sandwiches," owing to
the heavy rains having had the effect of glutting the market with that
commodity. "Apples, oranges, and ginger-beer," are still in loud demand
in the higher circles ; but a " bill of the play," unless there is something
very good in it, is not looked upon with the same greediness. " Porter ':
commands an easy circulation, and the stone-bottle is never offered twice
during the enlr' acte without meeting with a ready holder. Many parties
have burnt their fingers dabbling in hot potatoes, but the indentures ot
butter and salt lately issued with them have given to speculators in the
gallery a fresh zest for them. The " pieman " has not been tossed sc
much lately over the water, but at Covent Garden the " odd man " h:ip
been very popular since M. Jullien opened his concerts. The National
Drama, we are sorry to say, has, since the engagement of Mr. Charles
Kean, gone down to zero.
0 proclamation from Nu&olas
Punch Office, 10J p.m.
We have just received the following by extraordinary express :—
£2I$?(!f3&eFIJ<§\ it hath lately reached Us that divers of our n»ost loyal
and faithful subjects have endured much annoyance, by reason of the most
unwarrantable use of our name and titles :—
Wherefore, in order to exhibit our most distinguished consideration for
these our loving servants, we do hereby ordain, and be it ordained, that,
from the date of this, henceforth, Our august names and titles be held in
respectful consideration ; and we do hereby strictly forbid novelists,
dramatists, farce-concoctors, melo-drama-perpetrators, and ballet-mon-
gers, to take, refer to, or employ Our royal names, upon all and any
pretence whatsoever. Moreover, the better to ensure the full observance
of Our will, we have determined to appoint Harrison Ainsworth, Esq.,
our Novelist in Ordinary ; Sir Harcourt Lees, our Licenser of Plays ;
and M. P. Jenkins, our very common critic.
Given at Our Court of Pandemonium.
crossing the styx.
(Suped) .XicHofo^; Settle*.
57
PHILANTHROPY" IN THE BAIL COURT.
Almost fainting with intense delight, we extract the subjoined
paragraph from the Times:—
"Bail Cotjbt.—In the matter op -.—Mr. Atherton moved that an attorney
might, at his own requrst, be struck off the roll, in order that he might be more entirely
at liberty to pursue ' philanihropical occupations,'
" The application was gTanted."
A cannibal who has forsworn man's flesh, and, moved only by his
own stomach, contents himself with milk diet ; a shark that turns
from "a man overboard," meekly swallowing seaweed, and not Bex
Binnacle ; a porcupine suddenly softened ii>to a beaver ; a web-
spinning, fly-catching spider changed into a honey-bee ; Lord
Brougham turned to a monosyllabic Quaker, and never turning
again ;—any one of these transformations might call from Punch a
passing paragraph of wonderment. But that an attorney—(no, we
must have a new line for the miracle) : —
But that an attorney should dash legal ink (alchemic fluid !) from
his lips—tear sheepskin from his bosom—and, untangling red tape
from his heart-strings, become, in the face of all the inns of court,
a philanthropist — spirit of departed pantomime! where is such
another change ? We know no parallel in human experience. True
it is, that Peachem talks of one of his gang, who resolves to forego
picking pockets and return to tailoring, which "he calls an honest
employment:" but this is fiction. Now, "-." of the Bail Court,
is stranger than The Beggar's Opera .'
Is the man—benevolent apostate !—safe ? Will he not be way-
laid and maltreated by attorneys st'dl in the ink ? Will not Chancery-
lane compass his ruin ? Can he defy Clifford's Inn ? Are there no
perils in Cursitor-street ? No pounce-box bravoes lying perch in
Gray's-inn-square ? We know, among the Mahometans, the relent-
less cruelty with which they follow a backslider from their faith.
Now, whatever satirists may insinuate, attorneys are but men ; and
can they forgive this large, this most eccentric insult offered by
*'-" to their whole body ? Can English solicitors be thought
more merciful than Turks ! We fear not. Hence our anxiety.
Hence, though we may weep lachrymatories full, we shall drop no
drop in surprise if "-" be found strangled with red tape ; and
pinned on his breast a label, professionally engrossed with these
words —
" CTje pf)tlantT)r0}Hs't; or tfzlsc QUaxmt)! "
We see in this the germ of a minor theatre drama. 0. Smith, as the
assassin copying-clerk, rises dimly before us.
Sir James Gkaham, have you any bowels ? But why do we ask
—have you not turned yourself inside out? Nevertheless, affect,
man, a heart; and let that heart feel for a brother apostate. Hence,
surround the steps of "--" with police, from A to &c. !
"At his own request to be struck off the roll." To cast, by the
vigour of benevolence, his old moral skin, scribbled and stained, and
sealed with blushing wax,—all over ; writ with vile verbosity, blotted
v. ith tautology, crammed with hocus-pocus,—to throw off this vile
parchment of the attorney, and suddenly to rejoice in the white
cuticle (pure and radiant as the gown of a bride) of—of—of a phi-
lanthropist ! Punch almost faints with excess of rapture at the
spectacle !
There! We have kicked off our shoes, have thrown away our
stockings ; and with feet bare as Lord Brougham's face, we offer to
make a pilgrimage over twenty leagues of broken glass, to take one
good look at the countenance of "-!" Only one look ! And
w herefore 2 Because that one glance would fortify us for life. Having
gazed upon the features of philanthropist, late attorney, we should
have no fear of the in-aV occhio, the evil eye of the whole law-list. We
would heed not the Anthropophagi who still haunt chambers ; the
legal men-eaters who, with the knife and fork of costs, will devour a
man and his wife, and after, wipe their lips with the provided baby-
linen.
"To pursue philanthropical occupations !"—
Still are we kept wondering. Where is "-?" What is he
about ? What glorious task is the fruit of his new condition ? Is he,
while we write, at the ear of Sir Robert Peel, prompting philan-
thropy for the Queen's Speech ? Is he at the Dublin Trials, whispering
to that very bilious Attorney-General ? Is he in the study of Alder-
man Gibbs, suggesting that something of the balance handsomely
presented to him by the select vestry, should be given to the poor of
St. Olave's ? Is he at Somerset House, preaching words of milk and
honey to the Poor Law Commissioners ? or is he kneeling by the
fcide of the last victim of the law, a peasant of ninety, in his death-
struggle on the highway ?
It may be that "-" is at the west-end, among the dowagers.
If so, oh "-!" we pray thee stick needles, yet stick them
gently, ticklingly into the memories of the rich and great, that they
may not, after all the talk, forget the poor Shirt-makers ; for Benevo-
lence very often, like a dog, runs about with her tongue out, yetj
somehow, forgets to show her heart.
{Theatrical IntdliQcncf.
the play s the thing.
There has been a pressure lately upon " Ham Sandwiches," owing to
the heavy rains having had the effect of glutting the market with that
commodity. "Apples, oranges, and ginger-beer," are still in loud demand
in the higher circles ; but a " bill of the play," unless there is something
very good in it, is not looked upon with the same greediness. " Porter ':
commands an easy circulation, and the stone-bottle is never offered twice
during the enlr' acte without meeting with a ready holder. Many parties
have burnt their fingers dabbling in hot potatoes, but the indentures ot
butter and salt lately issued with them have given to speculators in the
gallery a fresh zest for them. The " pieman " has not been tossed sc
much lately over the water, but at Covent Garden the " odd man " h:ip
been very popular since M. Jullien opened his concerts. The National
Drama, we are sorry to say, has, since the engagement of Mr. Charles
Kean, gone down to zero.
0 proclamation from Nu&olas
Punch Office, 10J p.m.
We have just received the following by extraordinary express :—
£2I$?(!f3&eFIJ<§\ it hath lately reached Us that divers of our n»ost loyal
and faithful subjects have endured much annoyance, by reason of the most
unwarrantable use of our name and titles :—
Wherefore, in order to exhibit our most distinguished consideration for
these our loving servants, we do hereby ordain, and be it ordained, that,
from the date of this, henceforth, Our august names and titles be held in
respectful consideration ; and we do hereby strictly forbid novelists,
dramatists, farce-concoctors, melo-drama-perpetrators, and ballet-mon-
gers, to take, refer to, or employ Our royal names, upon all and any
pretence whatsoever. Moreover, the better to ensure the full observance
of Our will, we have determined to appoint Harrison Ainsworth, Esq.,
our Novelist in Ordinary ; Sir Harcourt Lees, our Licenser of Plays ;
and M. P. Jenkins, our very common critic.
Given at Our Court of Pandemonium.
crossing the styx.
(Suped) .XicHofo^; Settle*.