Punch: Punch (6.1844)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

i

TO THAMES MARINERS.

In consequence of there being a supposed rock off Hungerford, which
the Suspension Bridge may be very likely to split upon, the elder brothers
of the Trinity House have determined on fixing a light-house on the mud
and broken bottle bank, lying in latitude 812 from Greenwich, and 1| from
Hyde Park Corner. The light-house will be in the form of a flat candle-
stick, the flat form being adopted as mere in conformity with the scheme
of the Bridge to which it will be an adjunct. A look out will be con-
stantly kept from the handle, and persons wrecked will be good enough to
inquire for the officer in charge of the save-all. The British flag will be
kept floating from the handle of the extinguisher, which will be kept on
during the day, and hauled up on her beam ends'at night, so as to allov
the snuff to get athwart the bows of the weathercock. There will be a
boy stationed aloft, whose duty it will be to keep the light constantly
snuffed, which will be accomplished by lowering the arrow of the w'eather-
cock, which is made to turn on a pivot, and to open so as to embrace the
main top of the caudle.

(Signed) Timothy Trunion,

Agent at Lloyd's.

ON THE little man now exhibiting at the princess's theatre.

He's five-and-tweuty inches high—•
Oae inch too tall; for who '11 deny
That almost every one we meet
Will run about upon two feet I

PROTECTION TO AGRICULTURE.

We are happy to perceive that a League has at length been formed, in
order to protect the cultivators of earth-growu water-cress against the
competition of the artificial vegetable produced in ordinary slop-basins.
At a numerous meeting of the suburban growers, it was moved by Mr.
Jones, and seconded by Mr. Brown—

" That the cultivation of the water-cress is the birthright of eve;')
Englishman ; and that Great Britain owes her reputation for domestic
virtue chiefly to her temperance."

It was moved by Mr. Snooks, and seconded by Mr. Poulter—
"That if temperance is the divinity that adorns the shrine, tea is the
pedestal it stands upon."

It was moved by Mr. Edwards, and seconded by Mr. Toddledown —
That it is expedient to enhance the aroma of the tea by the fragrance
of the water-cress."

It ivas moved by Mr. Spinks, and seconded by Mr. Tillybody—
"That the slop-basin never has been, never was, never will, and
never can be, the hope of the agriculturist ; and that it is against the in-
terest of the British farmer to plant water-cress, or any other vegetable
production, in a slop-basin, which is adapted more to the tea-spoon than
the ploughshare."

It was moved by Mr. Whobbles, and seconded by Mr. Kilderkin—
"That the puddle is the natural home of the water-cress, while the
slop-basin is its prison ; the former expanding it into rooty richness, the
latter forcing it into a leafy luxuriance, ending in premature ruin."
It was moved by Mr. Swiggles, and seconded by Mr. Whapentake—
"That this meeting pledges itself to stand by the plough, the whole
plough, and nothing but the plough."

The following contribution to the Anti-Slop-Basiu Fund was then
announced:—

One who has whistled (in vain) for a dinner ... £0 0 G

The chairman stated that the amount required would be thirty shillings,
and there was every hope of obtaining it.

Several members having wished he might get it, the meeting was
dissolved.

THE MARCH OF INTELLECT.

Enter Autolicus.
sings.

You Messrs. Vanishee, mark what I say.
Come to my Jete, on a fine summer's day,

In the year '53,

By (he green holly tree,

And surely you shall see,
When the grand piano March of Intellect,
Hath brought both beasts and buttercups to reflect,

Tinkerella and me,
Chewing antimony—steep'd in allegory—
Thro' pure philanthropy—and teaching chemistry

To a great humble bee,

And prose and poetry

To animalcule.
" Invisible or dimly seen,"

With microscopic glass,
An ass, pondering o'er a bean,
Hoping to grow a horse, I ween ;

Oh ! what a learned pass.
And so push on, for all sorts of pons asinorum,
Shall soon vanish away, for ever, snip, snap, snorum.

[Exit Autolicus, with his finyer at his nose, and occasionally
braying—he haw.]

Going- to the Greatest lengths.

There was an account in the newspapers, a short time back, about
"The Longest Rope in the Would." We know of one worth two of
that ; for it has been exceeded over and over again by the " tremendous
long yarn " on the State of Ireland, which the House of Commons was
a whole fortnight spinning.

^ "The Song of the Shirt," written by Thomas Hood,
and set to Music by J. H. Tully, is published this day.
Price 2s. 6d.

Printed by William Biadbury, of No. 6, York Place, Stoke Newinglon, and Frederick .Mullen Evmn,
of No. 7, Church Roiv, Stoke Newinfrton, both in the County ot Middlesex, Printers, at their
Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct ot Whitcfriars, in the City of London, anil published hy
Joseph Smith, of No. 53, St. John's Wood Terrace, Kexent's Park, in the Palish ot Marylebone, to
the county of Middlesex, at the Office, No. 194, Strand, in the Parish of St. Clement Danes, uj Lh«
County of Middlesex__Satuboav, March 2, 1B44.