Punch: Punch (6.1844)

216

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

IMPERIAL PIG.

We are not particularly nice in our eating, but we would not,
could not, touch or taste Majaletto da latte affumicato.

We are not infirmly delicate in our appetite, or squeamishly
fastidious about dainties ; but, stomach or no stomach, we could not,
for our gorge rising, swallow Majaletto da latte affumicato.

We are not of the Hebrew persuasion, with conscientious scruples
against swine's flesh as forbidden fruit; yet, Christian as we are, we
could not for the soul of us relish Majaletto da latte affumicato.

Like Charles Lamb we are rather partial to a tender roasted
suckling, well stuffed with sage and mild onion ; we like him, flesh,
fat, and crackling, from his crisp ears to his pettitoes. Nevertheless,
we could not feed on Majaletto da latte affumicato.

At a pinch, we could perhaps bring ourselves to dine or sup on
dubious sausages, or equivocal rabbits, but on Majaletto da latte
affumicato, never !

We are, we trust, loyal; and could eat and drink lustily in honour
of royalty, of the birthday barrels and the bullock whole-roasted in

WRITING UNDER DIFFICULTIES.

unch, I am a grave person ; a philosopher, Sir ; at least I
hope so. I never write nonsense intentionally; but 1
lately wrote a piece of very great nonsense uninten-
tionally ; aud, as I have no other use for it, I beg to
send it to you. I was inditing an essay, Sir, on the
subject of Life : now see what stuff, owing to a cause
which will be apparent on its perusal, I made of it.
1 must premise that A. stands for Author—that is to
say, myself; and B. for Bore. Here follows, with
explanatory interpolations,

THE ESSAY.
" The word ' Life,' " (Here came a tremendous rap,
followed by a violent ring, at the street-door. 1
started, spilt my ink, and blotted my paper) " has a
two-fold ac "—(I stopped writing for some seconds)
" a two-fold acceptation "—(Hap and ring repeated)
" two-fold acceptation "—(Rap and ring again, louder
than ever—servant in the coal-hole, I suppose.

Bachelor's Acre, but not a morsel could we, would we taste of; Rushed, in great excitement, to door, and opened it. There stood
Majaletto da latte affumicato. \ Hawkins—that is, B. Could not do less than ask him to walk in; so,

But what is Majaletto da latte affumicato1? Let Mr. Morel, oi enter B. B. sees I am bus?/, but tells me not to mind him, for that he will

take a book ; which he does, and throws himself on the sofa. J resume)
" Life has a twofold"—(B. begins a species of whistling. I cannot stand
it, and stop again. B. desists) " two-fold acceptation"—(B. Fine day I
A. Very.) "acceptation." (B. Seen Favanti? A. Eh 9—yes—no) "In
one"—(B. / hear her real name is Edwards. A. Ah!) "one sense of
the word—" (B. What nonsense that is! A. Nonsense/ what? B.
Why, changing her name. A. Oh!) " word, it signifies—" (B. Seen the
Times this morning? A. Eh? yes—no; I beg your pardon) " signifies
the state of living or—" (B. Capital article that on the Factory Question.
A. / dare say) "living or being alive. In the other—" (B. What will
Peel do ? A. Ah ! what ?) " other Peel, sense, Factory Question, it sig-
nifies—" (B. Been to the Water Colour $ A. What did you say?—water
such as it comes from Styria. One of the' Emperors of Germany, being peaking and J colour ?—n0) « it signifies the hypothetical principle "—(B. What do you
delicate from his birth, was accustomed for the preservation of his precious life, to ha e i . , r 0 . , >. "„> , a > « „„:„„:„i„ „.v,;„v, " /"R

his body lapped round, and animal-heated several times a dav, with a little sucking-pip, > thmk °f Huut s, ^yh-boys ? A. Eh t) principle which— (B.
fresh killed, and still warm. The effect of which, it appears, was so wonderful, that he Hunt s ' Plough-boys.' A. Oh ! very funny) " principle, plough-boys, or
reigned, a long while, to the glory of his people, and to the great emolument of the j substance, which pervading organised funny bodies, is—" (B. What do
clerk of the kitchen, whose sty-pend was vastly increased by the perquisite of the little fQr lhesg l^aings? A. Sixteen shillings) " assumed to be sixteen

pigs, the clerk, perhaps, could not consume the pigs fast enough, whilst they were 1 aJ ,, J * * '

frp>*Vi • nr Mprlinns hp ■xvishpfl tn uflrF nr Hi«o-iii«p rVipir fldvnur • hnwpvpr hp rnnU tn SllllliniZS

Piccadilly, answer, by his advertisement of Comcstables d'ltalie, in the
Morning Herald, of May the First :—■

" Majaletto da latte di Stiria. A la demiere specialite s'attache un Episode que Ton
se permet de transcrire ici, tel qu'il est venu de Stirie : un des Empereurs d'Allemagne
£tait faible des sa naissance, arm de lui conserver la vie, on avait l'habitude de l'enve-
lupper plusieurs fois par jour du corps d'un petit cochon de lait fraichement egorge et
eucore chaud : l'effet, parait-il, en fut si merveilleux qu'il r£gna longtemps a la gloire de
son peuple. L'officier de bouche, dont les petits pores augmentaient les emoluments, soit
qu'il ne put les manger assez vite, soit pour en varier le gout, s'imagina de les saler et
fumer, et aujourd'hui 1'on voit en Allemagne le ' Majaletto da latte affumicato ' designe
royalement ' Kaiser fleisch ' faire couronne a la pyramide de choucroute."

(Free Translation.)

"To the last-named article there is an epis-ode attached, which is transcribed here,

fresh ; or, perhaps, he wished to vary or disguise their flavour ; however, he took to
salting and smoking them —so that they were cured as well as the sovereign—and to this
day, in Germany, the Majaletto da latte affumicato. royally called Emperor Flesh, often
crowns a pyramid of sourkrout."

We hardly like to guess when German loyalty went the little pig
in such a nasty manner, how it would have gone the whole hog.

P.S. A misgiving comes over us as to Imperial Pop. What
Emperor bathes in it, perhaps, to strengthen his constitution !

UNANSWERABLE QUERIES.

Did you ever know an omnibus that was not " going to start imme-
diately ?"

Did vou ever know a young lady who when asked to sing had'nt " such
a cold 1 "

Did you ever see a cabman with an umbrella ?
Did you ever hear of a Scotchman going back to his country ?
Did you ever find a policeman when you wanted one ?
Did you ever see a German fiddler with short hair ?
Did you ever know any one that had read the Metropolitan Magazine ?
Did you ever see a wine-merchant drink his own wine '
Did you ever go to a picnic without coming home wet through \
Did you ever know a doctor attempt to cure himself ?
Did you ever read a Speech of O'Connell without the quotation of—
' Hereditary Bondsmen" &c!
Did vou ever see a Quaker at Greenwich Fair ?

Here it occurred to me just to look over what I had written ; and I
leave you, sir, to imagine the feelings with which I perused the above
jumble. I found it utterly useless to proceed ; and accordingly yielded
myself to the infliction of Hawkins, which lasted nearly an hoar.

Now, Mr. Punch, I know not whether you find it as difficult to make
jokes under interruption, as I do to write philosophy; if you do, you will
perhaps find your account in publishing this communication, for

Vour obedient servant,
Victim.

WHAT IS A POUND?

Trafalgar Square.

We regret to observe that the fountains here are exceedingly obstinate,
for they will not work, and they do not play. This seems like a
determination to do neither one thing nor the other. The water in the
basins looked rather muddy, but it is said to be very good water in the
main. We have been told that the funds are at low water-mark, which
accounts for the water being all drained off so that the funds may be
looked for. There is a good deal of mystery about those basins, of which
we are determined to get to the bottom—if the police will not interfere
with us. Poor Nelson, when he sung out his glorious old bit of claptrap
about England expecting every man to do his duty, little thought how
England would be disappointed by the failure of one man (and one boy)
to do the duty which would one day devolve upon them.

" What is a pound ? "

Exclaims the premier, looking round,

And tunefully his accents sounded,

As, of a pound that question he propounded.

" What is a pound 1" again Sir Robert cries.

" It much depends," says Punch, "on where one buy*.''

A pound of sugar at some, grocer's bought,

Is not a pound at all, but something short.

A tradesman oft, who of low prices bounces,

Deducts an ounce, while full weight he announces.

Who buys street-cherries heavier made by dirt

Will get what's literally his desert.

A pound to be a pound was never known,

Though every cherry weighs above a stoue.

One naturally wonders whether,

There came into the premier's head,
The joke about a pound of feather

Being heavier than a pound of lead.
" What is a pound ? " by Peel we 're told
'Tis either silver, or 'tis gold.
But there's a pound distinct from those,
As many a common donkey knows,
Who may perchance have patient stood,
Encircled by a pound of wood.

LAW IN THE POLICE.

We can now understand why so many illegal acts have of late been
committed by the New Police, for the Globe informs us that some attornie*
have recently joined the force.