DOI issue:
July to December, 1844
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16520#0071
04
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PARLIAMENTARY REPORT.
{From our own Spy.)
tutouGH a private channel Punch has
been favoured with the following reve-
lations which have been elicited by the
Dog Stealing Committee.
" Miss Tabitha Crump examined :—
Is a maiden lady ; her age of no conse-
quence to anybody. Is labouring under
severe domestic affliction from the loss
of her dear Pug. Should know him
among a thousand. Answered to the
name of Cupid. His muzzle was black ;
the rest of him whitey-browu : the little
creature was slightly corpulent. Should
rather think she knew what it was to
have a lover. Would much sooner
have lost one than her Pug. Couldn't
think who had stolen her little dear.
Meant her Pug, not her lover. Wished
she did. Thought nothing would be too bad for him : should like to see
him hanged — transported—anyth\<ni "
u Ma. John Thomas.—Is footman to Lady Dowager Doddlesworth.
Has various duties. Has to attend upon her Ladyship ; also on her Lady-
ship's poodle—that is to say, her Ladyship's poodle as was. The hanimal
in question is stole. Should say he was an ansome dog. He was white,
and wore a ribbon the colour of his (John Thomas's) inexpressibles round
RHETORIC OF THE COUNTER.
ANY Advertisements appear,
" Wanted a Young Man of
Genteel Address, for an As-
sistant to a Linen-draper."
We now see what is meant
by a " genteel address." It
is that conversational art
whereby the process, termed
" Shaving the Ladies," is
effected.
" Shaving the Ladies " is a
very delicate operation ; and
a few hints as to its mode of
performance may be accept-
able to those whom they may
. concern :—
No sort of shaving can be
effected without soap, except
what is called "close shaving,"
as practised at workhouses and the mansion-house: without impertinently
inquiring how drapers' assistants in general are circumstanced with
respect to that article, Punch will at once present them with a little cake
of it ; premising that the soap which the ladies are to be shaved with
must be particularly soft-soft soap, metaphorically speaking, is the
rhetoric of the counter.
The first figure to be studied in tins species of rhetoric, is that called
his mck His name was Iv-Del . His John Ihomass) duties towards v,,r___, , °,. , . , . . , , A , , ... .
' ,"clu'c. V • . v . i hyperbole which is derived from two Greek words, signifying to over
the poodle consisted in giving him his meals, washing him with soap and
water, and combing him every morning; and shaving him, as such dogs
usually was, three times a week. The poodle had six meals a day of milk
and bread. Eat more than would keep three poor people's hinfants.
Lady Doddlesworth used often to nuss him. Slept on a cushion in her
Ladyship's apartment. Thought the dog had an uncommon good place of
it: had a tolerable one himself, but shouldn't mind changing places with
him any day. Suspected some of them dog fanciers of having stole him.
Would swear he had not sold or made away with him himself."
"Susan Trimmer.—Had been living in service, as nursemaid to Mrs.
Alderman Collop, at a terrace
near Regent's Park. Her mis-
tress was very fond of dogs ;
keeps about nine. They were
little dogs. King Chawls's, she
thinks. One of their names was
Wenis. She (Wenis) used very
often to be let sit up at the table,
and eat off a plate. When she
was ill, she was wrapped up in
flannel, and put in a little cradle.
Mrs. Collop had three little girls
and two boys. Couldn't say
which her mistress liked best,
them or her dogs. Wenis was
lost, and she (Susanj had lost her
place m consequence. (Here iFVjSr / / \ \ x)))iv e n
•m • j \ tt j j. * i .1 sM: \ \\ \ \ eagerness : as follows
witness cried.) Had to take the
children one day for a walk in the
Park ; took Wenis too, by her
mistress's order. After walking
about some time, sat down on a
shoot: a feat to be accomplished by the use of the long bow ; that is to
say. by telling enormous fibs. So, when a lady asks, " Will this wash V
" Will that wear ?" and so forth, no hesitation must be made in auswer-
ing, or, if necessary, swearing in the affirmative.
Be careful in laying on your soap. You must not do this too violently.
Your situation, with respect to the lady whom you are to shave, is not
such as to admit of telling her that those sparkling eyes, those raven or
auburn tresses, that roseate cheek, that sylph-like form of hers will be set
off to such advantage by this or that silk, satin, muslin, bombazine, or
what not. You are only to insinuate all this.—As thus :—
" That pink lining, Miss, is lovely :—really quite lovely,—for any lady
with a delicate complexion."
" Those flowers, ma'am, are exquisite to match dark hair and a high
forehead—I assure you they are considered so. If I might venture the
remark, ma'am, they would become a lady like yourself extremely."
" This is an article, my lady, which I would strongly recommend to
your ladyship. It is true that it would only suit a first-rate figure ; but I
am quite confident it is just the dress for your ladyship."
You will find it advantageous, having named a sum considerably above
the mark, to abate a little of it sometimes, and to lead a lady to suppose
that she has won upon you so to do. As, for instance—
" Well, really, ma'am, this is seventeen and six : but to you — I don't
mind saying sixteen."
You will also do well to practise a little on female apprehension and
seat with the children. A gentle-
man came and sat down near them.
He was a gentleman from Albany
Barracks ; a sergeant. The gen- ^
tleman began talking to her. Was -^§§g
walking with him. she dared say,
'half an hour. When she went
away, Wenis was gone. Was
afraid her mistress would refuse
her a character. Bother Wenis,
and all the rest!—wished they were drowned—that she did."
On the causes and means of prevention of the crime of canine kidnap-
ping, the labours of the Committee have as yet thrown little light; but
more or less information on those important subjects will very likely be
developed, in the course of time, by this interesting inquiry.
LITERARY INTELLIGENCE.
The next edition of the " Life of Nelson " will, we understand, be
' done up in the plainest boards," out of compliment to the present con-
dition of his statue.
" I assure you, miss, 'pon my honour, that this article is the very last
we have got ; and I am certain you won't meet with it at any other
establishment."—The fact may be that both your master, aud the man
over the way, are overstocked.
Removing- the Rubbish.
It is the intention of Government, as soon as Parliament is prorogued,
to introduce the new Sweeping Machine into the House of Commons to
cart away those measures that have been dropt during the Session. If
this be true, Hercules s labour of cleansing the Augean stables will be
mere child's-play to it.
lUtauj all Mm by tfjcs>e &c.
The Russian frigate Aurora, has just arrived with some valuable
presents for Her Majesty, and a quantity of gold, which, it is rumoured,
" has been sent to this co'untry for the purpose of being refined." If this
gold comes from the mines of Siberia, the only method by which it can
possibly be refined, is to give it to the poor Poles.
Printed by William Biadbury, of No. 6, York Place, Stoke Newington, and Frederick Mullett Evans,
of No. 7, Church Row, Stoke Newington, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers, ar their
Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct ot H'hitefriars, in the City of London, and published 5y
Joseph Smith, Publisher, of No. 53, St. John'" Wood Terrace, St. John's Wood Road, Regent s Park,
in the county of Middlesex, at the Office, No. i94. Strand, in the Parish ot SU Clement Daiies, m
the County of Middlesex__Saturday, Auuust 3, 1844.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PARLIAMENTARY REPORT.
{From our own Spy.)
tutouGH a private channel Punch has
been favoured with the following reve-
lations which have been elicited by the
Dog Stealing Committee.
" Miss Tabitha Crump examined :—
Is a maiden lady ; her age of no conse-
quence to anybody. Is labouring under
severe domestic affliction from the loss
of her dear Pug. Should know him
among a thousand. Answered to the
name of Cupid. His muzzle was black ;
the rest of him whitey-browu : the little
creature was slightly corpulent. Should
rather think she knew what it was to
have a lover. Would much sooner
have lost one than her Pug. Couldn't
think who had stolen her little dear.
Meant her Pug, not her lover. Wished
she did. Thought nothing would be too bad for him : should like to see
him hanged — transported—anyth\<ni "
u Ma. John Thomas.—Is footman to Lady Dowager Doddlesworth.
Has various duties. Has to attend upon her Ladyship ; also on her Lady-
ship's poodle—that is to say, her Ladyship's poodle as was. The hanimal
in question is stole. Should say he was an ansome dog. He was white,
and wore a ribbon the colour of his (John Thomas's) inexpressibles round
RHETORIC OF THE COUNTER.
ANY Advertisements appear,
" Wanted a Young Man of
Genteel Address, for an As-
sistant to a Linen-draper."
We now see what is meant
by a " genteel address." It
is that conversational art
whereby the process, termed
" Shaving the Ladies," is
effected.
" Shaving the Ladies " is a
very delicate operation ; and
a few hints as to its mode of
performance may be accept-
able to those whom they may
. concern :—
No sort of shaving can be
effected without soap, except
what is called "close shaving,"
as practised at workhouses and the mansion-house: without impertinently
inquiring how drapers' assistants in general are circumstanced with
respect to that article, Punch will at once present them with a little cake
of it ; premising that the soap which the ladies are to be shaved with
must be particularly soft-soft soap, metaphorically speaking, is the
rhetoric of the counter.
The first figure to be studied in tins species of rhetoric, is that called
his mck His name was Iv-Del . His John Ihomass) duties towards v,,r___, , °,. , . , . . , , A , , ... .
' ,"clu'c. V • . v . i hyperbole which is derived from two Greek words, signifying to over
the poodle consisted in giving him his meals, washing him with soap and
water, and combing him every morning; and shaving him, as such dogs
usually was, three times a week. The poodle had six meals a day of milk
and bread. Eat more than would keep three poor people's hinfants.
Lady Doddlesworth used often to nuss him. Slept on a cushion in her
Ladyship's apartment. Thought the dog had an uncommon good place of
it: had a tolerable one himself, but shouldn't mind changing places with
him any day. Suspected some of them dog fanciers of having stole him.
Would swear he had not sold or made away with him himself."
"Susan Trimmer.—Had been living in service, as nursemaid to Mrs.
Alderman Collop, at a terrace
near Regent's Park. Her mis-
tress was very fond of dogs ;
keeps about nine. They were
little dogs. King Chawls's, she
thinks. One of their names was
Wenis. She (Wenis) used very
often to be let sit up at the table,
and eat off a plate. When she
was ill, she was wrapped up in
flannel, and put in a little cradle.
Mrs. Collop had three little girls
and two boys. Couldn't say
which her mistress liked best,
them or her dogs. Wenis was
lost, and she (Susanj had lost her
place m consequence. (Here iFVjSr / / \ \ x)))iv e n
•m • j \ tt j j. * i .1 sM: \ \\ \ \ eagerness : as follows
witness cried.) Had to take the
children one day for a walk in the
Park ; took Wenis too, by her
mistress's order. After walking
about some time, sat down on a
shoot: a feat to be accomplished by the use of the long bow ; that is to
say. by telling enormous fibs. So, when a lady asks, " Will this wash V
" Will that wear ?" and so forth, no hesitation must be made in auswer-
ing, or, if necessary, swearing in the affirmative.
Be careful in laying on your soap. You must not do this too violently.
Your situation, with respect to the lady whom you are to shave, is not
such as to admit of telling her that those sparkling eyes, those raven or
auburn tresses, that roseate cheek, that sylph-like form of hers will be set
off to such advantage by this or that silk, satin, muslin, bombazine, or
what not. You are only to insinuate all this.—As thus :—
" That pink lining, Miss, is lovely :—really quite lovely,—for any lady
with a delicate complexion."
" Those flowers, ma'am, are exquisite to match dark hair and a high
forehead—I assure you they are considered so. If I might venture the
remark, ma'am, they would become a lady like yourself extremely."
" This is an article, my lady, which I would strongly recommend to
your ladyship. It is true that it would only suit a first-rate figure ; but I
am quite confident it is just the dress for your ladyship."
You will find it advantageous, having named a sum considerably above
the mark, to abate a little of it sometimes, and to lead a lady to suppose
that she has won upon you so to do. As, for instance—
" Well, really, ma'am, this is seventeen and six : but to you — I don't
mind saying sixteen."
You will also do well to practise a little on female apprehension and
seat with the children. A gentle-
man came and sat down near them.
He was a gentleman from Albany
Barracks ; a sergeant. The gen- ^
tleman began talking to her. Was -^§§g
walking with him. she dared say,
'half an hour. When she went
away, Wenis was gone. Was
afraid her mistress would refuse
her a character. Bother Wenis,
and all the rest!—wished they were drowned—that she did."
On the causes and means of prevention of the crime of canine kidnap-
ping, the labours of the Committee have as yet thrown little light; but
more or less information on those important subjects will very likely be
developed, in the course of time, by this interesting inquiry.
LITERARY INTELLIGENCE.
The next edition of the " Life of Nelson " will, we understand, be
' done up in the plainest boards," out of compliment to the present con-
dition of his statue.
" I assure you, miss, 'pon my honour, that this article is the very last
we have got ; and I am certain you won't meet with it at any other
establishment."—The fact may be that both your master, aud the man
over the way, are overstocked.
Removing- the Rubbish.
It is the intention of Government, as soon as Parliament is prorogued,
to introduce the new Sweeping Machine into the House of Commons to
cart away those measures that have been dropt during the Session. If
this be true, Hercules s labour of cleansing the Augean stables will be
mere child's-play to it.
lUtauj all Mm by tfjcs>e &c.
The Russian frigate Aurora, has just arrived with some valuable
presents for Her Majesty, and a quantity of gold, which, it is rumoured,
" has been sent to this co'untry for the purpose of being refined." If this
gold comes from the mines of Siberia, the only method by which it can
possibly be refined, is to give it to the poor Poles.
Printed by William Biadbury, of No. 6, York Place, Stoke Newington, and Frederick Mullett Evans,
of No. 7, Church Row, Stoke Newington, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers, ar their
Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct ot H'hitefriars, in the City of London, and published 5y
Joseph Smith, Publisher, of No. 53, St. John'" Wood Terrace, St. John's Wood Road, Regent s Park,
in the county of Middlesex, at the Office, No. i94. Strand, in the Parish ot SU Clement Daiies, m
the County of Middlesex__Saturday, Auuust 3, 1844.