Punch (12.1847)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

207

Miss Griffin swelled in sileDce. She then burst into speech t
Ainci/Mna ,inM„r w-s\n wAium i a m i- e 1 " Miss Fluke, I don't know that we are safe under the same roof with
CAPSICUM HOUSE-rOR YOUNG LADIES. y0U_! don.t.' For your effroutery i8 enough to set the house on flra"

Here gentle Miss Palmer ventured to twitch Miss Fluke's frock,
CHAPTER V an<^ whi8Per—"Don't, love ; you'll make her so angry." This advice

was confidentially and pleasantly acknowledged by a movement of
THE MARRIAGE-SERVICE CLASS. CONCLUDED.—"I WILL " Mlgs JTLUKE'S elbow.

Miss Fluke pinched meek Miss " Ladies," said Miss Griffin, " you know what I mean." And
Paxmek, and then whispered her to be this liberal assumption, as in so many daily cases, saved a world of
quiet. Miss Griffin, looking down inquiry. ' We now return to the population tables. Eight hundred
the line of girls, but loftily avoiding millions, I believe, Mb. Corks ? "—the Professor bowed. " Well,
the eye of Miss Fluke, proceeded :— we '11 say we are half ; that leaves four hundred to you. Four
" Now, it is particularly necessary, hundred millions. Half of them, we '11 say, are already married ; that
young ladies, that the population tables leaves us two hundred millions. Half of this number we must deduct
of the world should enter into your for the aged and the youthful, the too old and the too young ; wtiich
most serious thoughts. Every young leaves us exactly one hundred millions of eligible men to marry with."
woman, apt to marry "— " One hundred millions ! " cried several of the girls, with staring looks.

"' Apt,' is a very good phrase— " How very curious ! " half whispered the timid Miss Palmer.
a sweetly veiled word," said the accen- " How very satisfactory !" exclaimed the bold Miss Pebbles.
tuating Corks, ringing his silvery j " Never forget the number, ladies. The memory of it will be as an
notes upon the syllables. armour and a stay to you. Never forget it,—there are," said Miss

Miss Griffin drooped her eyelids, Griffin, taking breath, " one hundred millions of eligible husbands,
smiled, jutted a little curtsey, and Perhaps more, Mr. Corks ?"

went on. "Every young woman apt "No doubt, ma'am," said Corks ; "no doubt. In so vast a calcu-
to marry is to consider—to speak lation—and permit me to say that you have certainly the finest mathe-
familiarly—the state of the market, matical head since Sappho—in so vast a calculation, what are a few
Thus, before she gives away her hand, she is to remember the millions millions of people, more or less, to play with ? One hundred millions
of husbands there are to pick and choose from. If ever there was a of husbands ! "

mistake in the world—if ever there was an alarming error, most i " Is that counting blackamoors and cannibals ? " cried the exact
injurious to the peace of respectable families—it is the Pagan super- 1 Miss Fluke ; " or are they to go for nothing ?"

stition that people were made for one another; that they came into j » Go for nothing ! Do you call yourself a Christian ? " cried Miss
the world paired like pigeons, or like"— j Griffin, not knowing exactly what accusing question to put. And

" Hooks-and-eyes," said Miss Fluke, coming to the rescue, as Miss then she turned to the Professor. " Let us, if we can, proceed ; but
Griffin paused. j there's no supporting a theory with that girl in the room."

"Will you take my words when they're out of my mouth, Miss I "As all that we wish to arrive at in this class," said Mr. Corks,
Fluke, and not before ? " said the governess, very freezingly. "It is addressing himself to ourselves, "is the proper intonation of the two
this dark mistake, ladies, that tends to enslave us. Out of our very tremendous words ' I Will :

ignorance," cried Miss Griffin, vivaciously, " do we forge our own
fetters."

" Beau-ti-ful ! " exclaimed Corks, applauding with the tips of his
fingers ; " and so true ! "

" It is the proper utterance of these words, sir," said Miss Griffin
solemnly, now looking at us, and now along her line of pupils,
" that once and for all fixes the npsition of the wife. In her pronuncia-
tion—I beg your pardon, Mr. Corks—in her intonation of those two

Miss Griffin, slightly flushed with the plaudits, continued. " It is words lies the fate of her future existence. It is impossible to overrate
this alarming bigotry that makes thousands of young women throw the value of those two astounding syllables. A woman should, at that
themselves away every year." moment, throw her whole character into them. If ever a man is

"Could we come at the returns," groaned Corks, from his cavernous | softened—and, I confess it, I am ready to support any theory to the

chest, " they would doubtless be tremendous." j contrary "_

" It is this benighted belief in women, that the first man who asks her i « Dear Madam," warbled Corks, in deprecation,
for her hand is the very man sent on purpose into the world to put the j " Oh. I am," cried Miss Griffin with a little, hurried laugh. " If
question, that leaves her, so to speak, no power over herself. Poor . he is ever softened, it is at the marriage minute ; and that is the time
darkened thing ! She immediately thinks her time is come, and so, | for the wife to make the impression. Thus, sir—for as I've said

at the first question, rounds her lips like a wedding-ring, and says—
' Yes !' Lamentable superstition ! " sighed Miss Griffin.
" Strange infatuation ! " groaned Mr. Corks.

" Now, this sad mistake arises from our defective education. The

before, I quite think you one of us—thus all the discipline of our pre-
sent class is to arrive at the triumphant intonation of that short reply,
' I Will !' "

" Very true," we observed, breaking a long silence. " Very true.

whole mischief,"—said Miss Griffin, emphatically—"lies in this little The words themselves arn't much ; but it "s what they convey

nutshell—We women don't think enough of ourselves."

" Oh, don't we ! " cried Miss Fluke, jumping up, and coming down
upon her toes.

The governess would not notice her pupil, but turned for comfort to

" That's it, sir ; that's precisely it. Can't you understand the
possibility of a situation where even a monosyllable properly intonated,"
said Corks, " may be most sublime ? What is ' No /' ' Yes !' 'Pooh V
Pshaw!' In themselves nothing. And yet, sir, I have known an

Mr. Corks. "You don't, madam," said the Professor of Intonation ; | actor—who shall be nameless—who, intonating either one of those syl

and we felt that, at least, an affirmative bow was required of ourselves.
We paid it.

" Now, suffer me, ladies, to give you a moral and an example," said
Miss Griffin. Here the pupils were very attentive. "I will suppose
all of you, what is usually called, settled in life—as if a poor woman's
life ever was settled !—But no matter. You want to purchase a pine-
apple—the very best pine-apple—for a certain dessert. You ride or
walk, as the husband may be, to Covent Garden Market. Well, the

lables, would make it sound "—here Corks slowly descended, word by
word, into the depths of his voice—"sound, sir, like the knell of a
broken heart !"

"Exactly—that'sit"—said Miss Griffin, and she unconsciously
flourished her handkerchief. " However, if you please—now—
Mjr. Corks."

" Immediately, dear Madam ;" and the Professor took his place at
the head of the class. It was the first day of meeting since the

very first pine-apple you behold may be a very beautiful pine, indeed ; I vacation, and the eldest young lady—as in more likely danger of

nevertheless, you don't immediately buy it. Now, it should be with
husbands as with pine-apples. Listen. You don't, I say, directly
purchase the first pine ; but you take a turn round the market,
resolving, should you meet with no better bargain, to return to the
first pine again."

" That's all very well," rattled Miss Fluke—for her words seemed
fighting with one another—"That's all very well ; but suppose, in
the meantime, somebody else should come and take that very pine-
apple away ? "

matrimony—headed the file. " Now, Miss Trimbt, if you please—
' Wilt thou hare this man to thy wedded husband, to'—but we'll come
at once to the cue"said Corks," which is—'so long as ye both shaU live?"'

" ' / will,"' answered Miss Trimby with the greatest composure.

"My dear young lady," said Corks—"that will not do. Where is
your intonation ? Pardon me; but you answer ' 7" will,' as though
you were asked to take a custard, and not a husband."

"Very flat, indeed," said Miss Griffin. " Try her again."

" You see, Miss 'j rimbt—pardon me ; but you should seem to have