DOI issue:
January to June, 1848
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16546#0126
118 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE MODEL M.P.
He lodges in Parliament Street, but has his letters
addressed to the Garrick, or Reform Club. He
enters the House invariably before prayers, and
only leaves it, with the Speaker. He never misses
a Wednesday. He even attends on a Chisholm-
Anstey night, or when the Danish claims are
brought forward. He is a very great man at the
hustings, making the most lavish threats to amend
the Constitution and stop the supplies; but
somehow, when he gets into the House he sinks
into one of those Hon. Members whose voice is
always inaudible in the gallery. He rises occa-
sionally, but sits down directly if any other
Member rises with him. Pie is not very ambi-
tious, seldom going beyond a "laugh." His
favourite flight is 1o count out the House on a
Derby day. He has not a large conscience. He
votes unremittingly with Ministers, and has his
reward in a gracious bow from Lord John, and
occasionally an invitation to dinner, when he is
quite proud to see his name in print, and dis-
patches innumerable copies of the paper to his
constituents.
He has a profound veneration for the British Lion, and loves to
display his classical knowledge by applauding every little bit of Latin
and Greek. He is deeply skilled in the Parliamentary gamut, which
he can run up and down with the zoological flexibility of a Von Joel,
from a crow in C major to a donkey in D alt. He is an easy victim for a
Committee, and takes a pride in attending the deputations of the
Commons before the Lords. He is a stern upholder of the etiquette
of the House, and. is fond of summoning innocent printers before the
bar, or of incarcerating Irish Members in coal-holes, for contempt.
He executes the little errands of his party, and on an emergency acts
as whipper-in. He sups regularly at Bellamy's, where his profound
knowledge of chops and steaks is highly respected, and his calls for
" lemon peel" instantly attended to. The clerks and door-keepers look
up to him as a clock, and put on their great-coats and comforters
immediately they see him come out.
In private life, the model M.P. attends public meetings, and seconds
all sorts of charitable resolutions for the Blacks, and philanthropic expe-
ditions up the Niger. He has been known even to take the chair at a
benevolent dinner, when the Duke of Cambridge has been absent by
indisposition. He subscribes liberally to hospitals, to all charities, mock
and real, to every new testimonial, and is too happy to forward any
absurd plan with the full strength of his two initials. He reads every
newspaper, and dies in the possession of his seat, very obscure, but
universally regretted by the party who has had his vote for the last
fifty years.
PUNCH'S MAXIMS MOKALISED.
IX.—A quiet tongue shows a wise head.
This is sheer nonsense. We might as well say an ineffective clapper
shows a good bell, or the absence of a bellows shows an excellent organ.
A quiet tongue only shows a wise head when the tongue has only folly
to litter; but if the proverb were a true one, the gentleman who found
it impossible to address the monosyllable " Bo " to the celebrated goose,
must have been the Solon of his era.
X.—As the old cock croics the young cock learns.
We hope this may prove true in the case of the Gallic Cock, for the
old one has been crowing a great deal lately, and the young one has
much to learn for its future benefit.
XI.—A tree is known ly its fruit.
This can scarcely apply to the boot-tree, which has no fruit at all,
except perhaps a-corn.
XII.—A willing mind makes a light foot.
If a willing mind makes a person light-footed, we should be glad to
know what would make him light-fingered ?
XIII.—Business is the salt of life.
Very true; and. too much of the salt brings on the thirst for gain, in
a very dangerous excess. The author of the proverb might have added,
that failure is the vinegar, difficulties are the pepper, and looking for
money to meet a bill the mustard.
XIV.—Care killed a cat.
It must have been a very feelin(e) animal.
XV.—Confession of a fault makes half amends for it.
If we admit this to be true, confessing a fault twice over would repair
it altogether. The same principle might be applied to a debt, and it
would then appear that two cognovits would settle one liability.
XVI.— Conscience is the Chamber of Justice.
Justice, however, like many other folks, is very apt to write on the
door of its chambers, " Gone out—Return in an hour."
XVII.—Cut your coat according to your cloth.
Very good advice, no doubt; but if you have no cloth, you must cut
your coat altogether.
A PEAL SUBSTITUTE EOR THE INCOME-TAX.
To find an efficient substitute for the Income-Tax, Ministers are at
their wits' end; which, perhaps, is the reason why the debate on the
Budget has been so dull. We have resolved ourselves into a Committee
on the Government's Ways and Means, and we think wre can greatly
improve the former, and add considerably to the latter. We believe
we can point out an honest mode of maintaining the national revenue—
and consequently a plan for dispensing with the Income-Tax.
Our project is altogether one of indirect taxation. In the first place,
we propose a tax upon opera-boxes, the rent of which varies from £200
to £50 per annum. Those who can afford to pay all this money for—so
to speak—a mere song, must be rolling in an ocean of such boundless
wealth, that they would hardly be able to feel the most copious abstrac-
tion from it.
In the next place, we would establish turnpikes at either extremity—
the Tyburn and Piccadilly—of the Ring in Hyde Park, leaving merely
the line of communication between the two thoroughfares free. Also
a turnpike at each end of Rotten Row. We would fix the tolls at
aristocratic rates, as half-a-guinea for a brougham or other one-wheeled
carriage, and for other carriages five shillings additional on every wheel j
a crown, also, for each horse, mule, or ass—for we rather think donkeys
are not excluded from the Park.
On all sums of money won by betting on horse-races, we would
impose a tax of fifty per cent.: since money that lightly comes lightly
goes, and may as well go into the Exchequer as anywhere else. We
would have all members of the turf served with a schedule, on which
they shall be required to state the amount of their winnings, on that
honour which has ever been so bright a characteristic of the Stable
Mind.
We dare say that many other schemes for raising the public wind
will occur to us; and as fast as they do, we shall publish them for the
enlightenment of Downing Street. Like the foregoing, they will all be
based on the principle of taxing luxury, extravagance^ ostentation, and
idleness, instead of poverty, frugality, providence, and industry. These
and the foregoing devices, however, we intend merely as substitutes
for the present Income-Tax, and not for one founded on simple arith-
metic and common justice.
Illustrations of Low Art.
"Pictures," it has been said, "are the books of the ignorant.'' Our
pictorial contemporaries, by their illustrations of the late revolutionary
scenes at Paris, have given the ignorant some very pretty lessons, the
influence of which has been abundantly manifest in the recent pro-
ceedings of the metropolitan rabble.
reasons for retirement.
Manx reasons are assigned for the obstinate refusal of the Comte de
Neuilly to appear in public. The probability is, that Louis-Philippe
keeps close until his whiskers are grown.
THE MODEL M.P.
He lodges in Parliament Street, but has his letters
addressed to the Garrick, or Reform Club. He
enters the House invariably before prayers, and
only leaves it, with the Speaker. He never misses
a Wednesday. He even attends on a Chisholm-
Anstey night, or when the Danish claims are
brought forward. He is a very great man at the
hustings, making the most lavish threats to amend
the Constitution and stop the supplies; but
somehow, when he gets into the House he sinks
into one of those Hon. Members whose voice is
always inaudible in the gallery. He rises occa-
sionally, but sits down directly if any other
Member rises with him. Pie is not very ambi-
tious, seldom going beyond a "laugh." His
favourite flight is 1o count out the House on a
Derby day. He has not a large conscience. He
votes unremittingly with Ministers, and has his
reward in a gracious bow from Lord John, and
occasionally an invitation to dinner, when he is
quite proud to see his name in print, and dis-
patches innumerable copies of the paper to his
constituents.
He has a profound veneration for the British Lion, and loves to
display his classical knowledge by applauding every little bit of Latin
and Greek. He is deeply skilled in the Parliamentary gamut, which
he can run up and down with the zoological flexibility of a Von Joel,
from a crow in C major to a donkey in D alt. He is an easy victim for a
Committee, and takes a pride in attending the deputations of the
Commons before the Lords. He is a stern upholder of the etiquette
of the House, and. is fond of summoning innocent printers before the
bar, or of incarcerating Irish Members in coal-holes, for contempt.
He executes the little errands of his party, and on an emergency acts
as whipper-in. He sups regularly at Bellamy's, where his profound
knowledge of chops and steaks is highly respected, and his calls for
" lemon peel" instantly attended to. The clerks and door-keepers look
up to him as a clock, and put on their great-coats and comforters
immediately they see him come out.
In private life, the model M.P. attends public meetings, and seconds
all sorts of charitable resolutions for the Blacks, and philanthropic expe-
ditions up the Niger. He has been known even to take the chair at a
benevolent dinner, when the Duke of Cambridge has been absent by
indisposition. He subscribes liberally to hospitals, to all charities, mock
and real, to every new testimonial, and is too happy to forward any
absurd plan with the full strength of his two initials. He reads every
newspaper, and dies in the possession of his seat, very obscure, but
universally regretted by the party who has had his vote for the last
fifty years.
PUNCH'S MAXIMS MOKALISED.
IX.—A quiet tongue shows a wise head.
This is sheer nonsense. We might as well say an ineffective clapper
shows a good bell, or the absence of a bellows shows an excellent organ.
A quiet tongue only shows a wise head when the tongue has only folly
to litter; but if the proverb were a true one, the gentleman who found
it impossible to address the monosyllable " Bo " to the celebrated goose,
must have been the Solon of his era.
X.—As the old cock croics the young cock learns.
We hope this may prove true in the case of the Gallic Cock, for the
old one has been crowing a great deal lately, and the young one has
much to learn for its future benefit.
XI.—A tree is known ly its fruit.
This can scarcely apply to the boot-tree, which has no fruit at all,
except perhaps a-corn.
XII.—A willing mind makes a light foot.
If a willing mind makes a person light-footed, we should be glad to
know what would make him light-fingered ?
XIII.—Business is the salt of life.
Very true; and. too much of the salt brings on the thirst for gain, in
a very dangerous excess. The author of the proverb might have added,
that failure is the vinegar, difficulties are the pepper, and looking for
money to meet a bill the mustard.
XIV.—Care killed a cat.
It must have been a very feelin(e) animal.
XV.—Confession of a fault makes half amends for it.
If we admit this to be true, confessing a fault twice over would repair
it altogether. The same principle might be applied to a debt, and it
would then appear that two cognovits would settle one liability.
XVI.— Conscience is the Chamber of Justice.
Justice, however, like many other folks, is very apt to write on the
door of its chambers, " Gone out—Return in an hour."
XVII.—Cut your coat according to your cloth.
Very good advice, no doubt; but if you have no cloth, you must cut
your coat altogether.
A PEAL SUBSTITUTE EOR THE INCOME-TAX.
To find an efficient substitute for the Income-Tax, Ministers are at
their wits' end; which, perhaps, is the reason why the debate on the
Budget has been so dull. We have resolved ourselves into a Committee
on the Government's Ways and Means, and we think wre can greatly
improve the former, and add considerably to the latter. We believe
we can point out an honest mode of maintaining the national revenue—
and consequently a plan for dispensing with the Income-Tax.
Our project is altogether one of indirect taxation. In the first place,
we propose a tax upon opera-boxes, the rent of which varies from £200
to £50 per annum. Those who can afford to pay all this money for—so
to speak—a mere song, must be rolling in an ocean of such boundless
wealth, that they would hardly be able to feel the most copious abstrac-
tion from it.
In the next place, we would establish turnpikes at either extremity—
the Tyburn and Piccadilly—of the Ring in Hyde Park, leaving merely
the line of communication between the two thoroughfares free. Also
a turnpike at each end of Rotten Row. We would fix the tolls at
aristocratic rates, as half-a-guinea for a brougham or other one-wheeled
carriage, and for other carriages five shillings additional on every wheel j
a crown, also, for each horse, mule, or ass—for we rather think donkeys
are not excluded from the Park.
On all sums of money won by betting on horse-races, we would
impose a tax of fifty per cent.: since money that lightly comes lightly
goes, and may as well go into the Exchequer as anywhere else. We
would have all members of the turf served with a schedule, on which
they shall be required to state the amount of their winnings, on that
honour which has ever been so bright a characteristic of the Stable
Mind.
We dare say that many other schemes for raising the public wind
will occur to us; and as fast as they do, we shall publish them for the
enlightenment of Downing Street. Like the foregoing, they will all be
based on the principle of taxing luxury, extravagance^ ostentation, and
idleness, instead of poverty, frugality, providence, and industry. These
and the foregoing devices, however, we intend merely as substitutes
for the present Income-Tax, and not for one founded on simple arith-
metic and common justice.
Illustrations of Low Art.
"Pictures," it has been said, "are the books of the ignorant.'' Our
pictorial contemporaries, by their illustrations of the late revolutionary
scenes at Paris, have given the ignorant some very pretty lessons, the
influence of which has been abundantly manifest in the recent pro-
ceedings of the metropolitan rabble.
reasons for retirement.
Manx reasons are assigned for the obstinate refusal of the Comte de
Neuilly to appear in public. The probability is, that Louis-Philippe
keeps close until his whiskers are grown.