DOI Heft:
January to June, 1849
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16548#0010
2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
TRIAL OF THE HOESE GUABDS CLOCK.
Ir having been rumoured that the Horse Guards
Clock was about to be put upon its trial for ob-
taining credit under false pretences, the avenue
to the Court—Bride Court, Fleet Street—was
choked up at an early hour; and Mr. Cbief
Justice Punch took his seat upon the Bench,
behind his own counter, at precisely ten.
The prosecution was conducted by Mr. Brief-
less, and the Clock appeared in person for its
own defence.
After opening the pleadings, in a loud voice
Mr. Briefless proceeded to observe, that this
was the most miserable moment of his existence.
His pain arose from being called upon to impugn
:the character of one who had long been looked up
to as a pattern of correctness and probity: he
meant the Horse Guards Clock. Really he felt
it to be an awful Bign of the general derangement of the Times,
that the defendant should have been detected, after so many years of
regularity, in going astray. He should not dwell upon this painful
theme, but would proceed to call the witnesses that would prove this
distressing case.
The first witness called was Lobd Denman, who said he had known
the Clock for some years, and had been in the habit of looking up to it
with great respect. Witness had lately observed a marked alteration
in the habits of the Clock. It had stood with its hands joined together,
in which position it had remained motionless for many hours. At
other times witness bad seen the Clock spreading out its hands in oppo-
site directions, as if there were something internally wrong; and this
fact was clearly perceptible by what was depicted on its face.
Cross-examined.—Believed the Clock intended well, and generally
acted well; but had been given to understand that it refused to be
wound up for it, even when its actions were regular. Was not aware
how often this winding-up was required.
Re-examined by Mr. Bkiefless.—Considered the Clock double-faced,
and in future would not believe it, as he had done formerly. Had
seen the Clock black in the face one minute, when looking one way,
and whfn looking the other way the face had been deadly pale.
This being the case for the prosecution, the Clock was called upon
for its defence; and after a brief address, in the course of which it
declared it was the first time it had ever stood in that position, or been
known to stand at al), it called several witnesses to character.
Lord Slllboy was a clerk in the Treasury, and had frequently
watched the Clock; that is to say, had set his watch by it.
Cross-examined by Mr. Bkiefless.—Wa'ched the Clock because he
had nothing particular to do. He often—like the Clock itself—had
a good deal of time upon bis hands. Would not say this was a cause
of any particular sympathy between them. But such was the fact.
After a few other witnesses, whose evidence went to nearly the same
effect, Mr. Chief Justice Punch proceeded to sum up, and the Jury
returned a verdict of Guilty, but strongly recommended the (Mock to
mercy, on account of its previous character. Mr. Chief Justice
Punch then passed sentence in the following words:—
" You have been convicted by a Jury of your countrymen, upon the
clearest evidence, of an offence of a grave character—that of obtaining
credit, under false pretences. There may be some grounds for recom-
mending you to mercy : you have not taken advantage of the recent
revolutions to join in any precipitate movement, it is true; but you have
made a stand against regularity and order, by refusing to move at all.
There is no evidence of any policeman having told you to move on; but
you know it was your duty to have moved on, and therefore that is no
excuse. The sentence of the Court is, that you be bound over to keep
the time for twelve months, and that you be kept to hard labour upon
your own wheel during Her Majesty's pleasure."
A LIGHT ARTICLE.
The Electric Light is still in a comparative state of darkness; so we
will endeavour to throw a little light upon it, and show what there is
in it. First of all, it can be exhibited under the water; which will
enable us to get literally a stream of fire, and we may have burning jets-
d'eau. Any one who wishes to set the Thames in a state of ignition,
can easily accomplish it by secreting a series of Electric Lights in the
bed of the river. It can be exhibited, also, in a vacuum, which recom-
mends it at once as the best illumination for many of our theatres. It
emancipates no black?, like Camphine, and respects the snowy purity
of the most delicate muslin and the fairest satin.
There is nothing explosive in its nature, and you may have any
quantity you like without blowing your roof off, or sending your front
parlour into the house opposite. It can be increased unlimitedly; so
that, if placed on the top of St. Paul's, we shall be able to mimic the
brightest mid-day on the darkest midnight. Curious policemen will
have no necessity to carry any more bull's-eyes, with which to peep
through keyholes when they hear anybody coming. Fire Offices will be
obliged to lower their rates of insurance, on account of the less danger
of fire; and a November Fog will become a transparent absurdity.
Who knows, we shall have electric matches ? and any one who wants-
a light for his cigar will have to say, " Could you oblige me with, a
little electricity?"
Darkness will have to retreat to the Shades below; the Arabian
Nights will be the only ones left; and our lamplighters will be super-
seded by practical chemists. Imagine Faraday running up to the top
of the .Nelson Pillar every morning to turn off the electricity, or
having'tO'a»cend all our high monuments at a certain hour, to give each
Light its customary coalscuttle of charcoal! However, one great
benefit is, that the Electric Light is sure to lower the extremely high
prices of the Gas Companies, if it does not extinguish the vile mono-
polies altogether, and number the Gas with the "Light of other days.'*
WILLS WITHOUT LAWYERS.
(Vide " Home Made Wills."—Newspaper paragraph.)
I "was a dissolute young blade,
A scapegrace of the worst degree,
And so my slow old uncle made
A Will to disinherit me.
To save the lawyer's fees intent,
The deed himself he needs must draw,
And, by that precious testament,
He cut off me—his heir-at-law.
At last the old curmudgeon died,
And, lo ! the Will, when 'twas perused,
Proved only signed on its outside—
And so the probate was refused.
The tin is mine instead of Bill's,
Although I am a worthless whelp:
So here's success to all whose Wills
Are made without a lawyer's help.
THE ADVENTURES OF A CHRISTMAS GOOSE.
Your goose leaves Suffolk three days before Christmas Day.
It passes one day on the Railway.
The next day it rests .with a few thousands of its plucked brothers ai
the Railway Station.
In the evening, the anxious owner, who has received a letter
apprising him of the Christmas present, calls to inquire after his goose,
but there are so many persons all engaged upon a similar wild-goose
errand, that he is directed, after waiting till twelve o'clock, to call
again the following day.
The following day is Sunday. The goose still slumbers at the
Railway Station.
Christmas Day passes, and yet there is no Christmas Goose! Who
likes to run five miles on Christinas Day, merely to return with a goose
for his pains ?
On Tuesday another pilgrimage is made. A large mountain of geese
are turned over one after another; but the one you want does not
exactly turn up. There must be some mistake.
You write off to your Suffolk friend, and receive an answer with full
particulars. Furnished with these, you travel again on the Wednesday
to the Railway StatioD, and are informed that your goose, not having:
been called for at the proper time, was put up to auction amongst the
railway porters, and knocked down for one and twopence. This sum is-
tendered to you, or you are handsomely allowed the option of selecting
any one of the unclaimed geese that are piled up in the Goods
Office. You select the finest, as you think, and are agreeably informed
by ) our wife, when you reach home, that your goose is " as bad as bad
can be."
Your only remedy is to send it to a poor relation.
Private Note for Country Cousins.
If you wish to make a friend in town a New Year's Gift, you cannot
do better than send him a Christmas-box by the railway, and it will
arrive just in time.__
Royal Patronage.—In consequence of the immense success attend-
ant upon the royal patronage of the British Drama, the Theatre Royal
Hay market will continue closed every night that the company perform
before Her Majesty at Windsor.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
TRIAL OF THE HOESE GUABDS CLOCK.
Ir having been rumoured that the Horse Guards
Clock was about to be put upon its trial for ob-
taining credit under false pretences, the avenue
to the Court—Bride Court, Fleet Street—was
choked up at an early hour; and Mr. Cbief
Justice Punch took his seat upon the Bench,
behind his own counter, at precisely ten.
The prosecution was conducted by Mr. Brief-
less, and the Clock appeared in person for its
own defence.
After opening the pleadings, in a loud voice
Mr. Briefless proceeded to observe, that this
was the most miserable moment of his existence.
His pain arose from being called upon to impugn
:the character of one who had long been looked up
to as a pattern of correctness and probity: he
meant the Horse Guards Clock. Really he felt
it to be an awful Bign of the general derangement of the Times,
that the defendant should have been detected, after so many years of
regularity, in going astray. He should not dwell upon this painful
theme, but would proceed to call the witnesses that would prove this
distressing case.
The first witness called was Lobd Denman, who said he had known
the Clock for some years, and had been in the habit of looking up to it
with great respect. Witness had lately observed a marked alteration
in the habits of the Clock. It had stood with its hands joined together,
in which position it had remained motionless for many hours. At
other times witness bad seen the Clock spreading out its hands in oppo-
site directions, as if there were something internally wrong; and this
fact was clearly perceptible by what was depicted on its face.
Cross-examined.—Believed the Clock intended well, and generally
acted well; but had been given to understand that it refused to be
wound up for it, even when its actions were regular. Was not aware
how often this winding-up was required.
Re-examined by Mr. Bkiefless.—Considered the Clock double-faced,
and in future would not believe it, as he had done formerly. Had
seen the Clock black in the face one minute, when looking one way,
and whfn looking the other way the face had been deadly pale.
This being the case for the prosecution, the Clock was called upon
for its defence; and after a brief address, in the course of which it
declared it was the first time it had ever stood in that position, or been
known to stand at al), it called several witnesses to character.
Lord Slllboy was a clerk in the Treasury, and had frequently
watched the Clock; that is to say, had set his watch by it.
Cross-examined by Mr. Bkiefless.—Wa'ched the Clock because he
had nothing particular to do. He often—like the Clock itself—had
a good deal of time upon bis hands. Would not say this was a cause
of any particular sympathy between them. But such was the fact.
After a few other witnesses, whose evidence went to nearly the same
effect, Mr. Chief Justice Punch proceeded to sum up, and the Jury
returned a verdict of Guilty, but strongly recommended the (Mock to
mercy, on account of its previous character. Mr. Chief Justice
Punch then passed sentence in the following words:—
" You have been convicted by a Jury of your countrymen, upon the
clearest evidence, of an offence of a grave character—that of obtaining
credit, under false pretences. There may be some grounds for recom-
mending you to mercy : you have not taken advantage of the recent
revolutions to join in any precipitate movement, it is true; but you have
made a stand against regularity and order, by refusing to move at all.
There is no evidence of any policeman having told you to move on; but
you know it was your duty to have moved on, and therefore that is no
excuse. The sentence of the Court is, that you be bound over to keep
the time for twelve months, and that you be kept to hard labour upon
your own wheel during Her Majesty's pleasure."
A LIGHT ARTICLE.
The Electric Light is still in a comparative state of darkness; so we
will endeavour to throw a little light upon it, and show what there is
in it. First of all, it can be exhibited under the water; which will
enable us to get literally a stream of fire, and we may have burning jets-
d'eau. Any one who wishes to set the Thames in a state of ignition,
can easily accomplish it by secreting a series of Electric Lights in the
bed of the river. It can be exhibited, also, in a vacuum, which recom-
mends it at once as the best illumination for many of our theatres. It
emancipates no black?, like Camphine, and respects the snowy purity
of the most delicate muslin and the fairest satin.
There is nothing explosive in its nature, and you may have any
quantity you like without blowing your roof off, or sending your front
parlour into the house opposite. It can be increased unlimitedly; so
that, if placed on the top of St. Paul's, we shall be able to mimic the
brightest mid-day on the darkest midnight. Curious policemen will
have no necessity to carry any more bull's-eyes, with which to peep
through keyholes when they hear anybody coming. Fire Offices will be
obliged to lower their rates of insurance, on account of the less danger
of fire; and a November Fog will become a transparent absurdity.
Who knows, we shall have electric matches ? and any one who wants-
a light for his cigar will have to say, " Could you oblige me with, a
little electricity?"
Darkness will have to retreat to the Shades below; the Arabian
Nights will be the only ones left; and our lamplighters will be super-
seded by practical chemists. Imagine Faraday running up to the top
of the .Nelson Pillar every morning to turn off the electricity, or
having'tO'a»cend all our high monuments at a certain hour, to give each
Light its customary coalscuttle of charcoal! However, one great
benefit is, that the Electric Light is sure to lower the extremely high
prices of the Gas Companies, if it does not extinguish the vile mono-
polies altogether, and number the Gas with the "Light of other days.'*
WILLS WITHOUT LAWYERS.
(Vide " Home Made Wills."—Newspaper paragraph.)
I "was a dissolute young blade,
A scapegrace of the worst degree,
And so my slow old uncle made
A Will to disinherit me.
To save the lawyer's fees intent,
The deed himself he needs must draw,
And, by that precious testament,
He cut off me—his heir-at-law.
At last the old curmudgeon died,
And, lo ! the Will, when 'twas perused,
Proved only signed on its outside—
And so the probate was refused.
The tin is mine instead of Bill's,
Although I am a worthless whelp:
So here's success to all whose Wills
Are made without a lawyer's help.
THE ADVENTURES OF A CHRISTMAS GOOSE.
Your goose leaves Suffolk three days before Christmas Day.
It passes one day on the Railway.
The next day it rests .with a few thousands of its plucked brothers ai
the Railway Station.
In the evening, the anxious owner, who has received a letter
apprising him of the Christmas present, calls to inquire after his goose,
but there are so many persons all engaged upon a similar wild-goose
errand, that he is directed, after waiting till twelve o'clock, to call
again the following day.
The following day is Sunday. The goose still slumbers at the
Railway Station.
Christmas Day passes, and yet there is no Christmas Goose! Who
likes to run five miles on Christinas Day, merely to return with a goose
for his pains ?
On Tuesday another pilgrimage is made. A large mountain of geese
are turned over one after another; but the one you want does not
exactly turn up. There must be some mistake.
You write off to your Suffolk friend, and receive an answer with full
particulars. Furnished with these, you travel again on the Wednesday
to the Railway StatioD, and are informed that your goose, not having:
been called for at the proper time, was put up to auction amongst the
railway porters, and knocked down for one and twopence. This sum is-
tendered to you, or you are handsomely allowed the option of selecting
any one of the unclaimed geese that are piled up in the Goods
Office. You select the finest, as you think, and are agreeably informed
by ) our wife, when you reach home, that your goose is " as bad as bad
can be."
Your only remedy is to send it to a poor relation.
Private Note for Country Cousins.
If you wish to make a friend in town a New Year's Gift, you cannot
do better than send him a Christmas-box by the railway, and it will
arrive just in time.__
Royal Patronage.—In consequence of the immense success attend-
ant upon the royal patronage of the British Drama, the Theatre Royal
Hay market will continue closed every night that the company perform
before Her Majesty at Windsor.