Punch (16.1849)

112

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.,

Instead, however, of getting rid of useless ships, and incompetent Lords of
the Admiralty, our naval authorities discharge able-bodied seamen. If our
•wooden walls are to be unmanned in this way, how can they be expected
to stand firm in the face of an enemy ? One pair of hands must do the
work of two in_ action, the school of seamanship must, be the nautical
drama, and the jack tar must realize on the deck of the enemy the picture
which has been so often presented by Mr. T. P. Cooke.

GOOD NEWS FROM INDIA.

'Tis an ill wind that blows nobody good; and that which wafted
hither the last Indian Mail has brought comfort and consolation to
some people. We extract the following paragraph from the Standard:—

" No more Reductions in the Army.—We ba»s »ery good authority for an-
nouncing, that, in ensequence of the disastrous Intelligence from India, orders
were on Saturday issued by his Grace the Commander-in-Chief, and circulars were
despatched by the evening mail* to all commanding officers of regiments and deoots,
countermanding any further discharge of soldiers from the army. The battles in
India seem to have anticipated the Government in its truckling to Cobden & Co."

" No more reductions in the Army ! " And they to whose sympa-
thies the above paragraph is directed will doubtless add " Hurrah ! "
Hurrah! Though our dragoons ran away, riding over our artillery—"
though the Sikhs took four of our gnns, and half a-dozen stands of
colours — Hurrah! Though our killed and wounded amounted to
between two and three thousand. Never mind the disgrace, the joss
and the carnage ! British valour has sustained a check; but so have the
proceedings of " Cobden & Co.," and — there are to be no more
reductions in the Army.

a well-bred dog.

We have heard from very good authority that in anticipation of the
very laudable intention of the Attorney-General to abolish the evil
practices of the Palace Court, the Crier of the Court has prevented the
necessity for any further reductions, as far as he is concerned, by
deliberately crying his eyes out.

a COCKNEY CON.

W ften may a man really be supposed to be hungry ?
When he goes to Nor-(gnaw)wood for his dinner.

AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS.

8 &HtItoap jWclotrn.

Sung with great a.pplause by a Shareholder of the York and North

Midland Railway.

And doth not a meeting like this make amends

For all the large sums we've been squand'ring away.
To see of the mischief the probable ends,

A prospect to catch of a reckoning day P
Though haply o'er some of your shares, as o'er mine,

The demon of Discount has stolen—what then?
Like stock in a market that's ceased to decline,

'Twill wear the gay tinge of a premium again.

What soften'd remembrances come o'er the heart,

In gazing on schemes now abandon'd so long !
The branches—the trunks—of which once they were part,

The Courts of Law Chanc'ry and Bankruptcy throng.
The letters some hand has unthinkingly traced

To a deed whose provisions are binding and tight,
Will many a scheme, from the share lists erased,

In a period of panic and loss bring to light.

And thus as we through the Insolvent list glide,

To visit our friends of the mania anew,
How many we see overwhelm'd by the tide,

Whom rigging and stagging could never pull through.
Yet still, as in fancy the premiums mount,

On whatever the title of railway share bore,
Deceived for a moment the profits we count,

And breathe Capel Court's balmy fragrance once more.

So brief was our fortune ; a glimpse at the most

Is all we now catch of a profit to clear,
And oft e'en the turn of the market is lost

For want of some fool of a purchaser near.
All! well may we hope, now the mania's gone.

To meet with a medium 'twixt premium and dis.;
And sure such a time must be hastening on,

\\ hen the truth is brought out at such meetings as this.

HO! FOR CALIFORNIA.

Some of the omnibuses which put upon their panels the names of all
sorts of places to which they won't take the public, are, we believe,
about to try the dodge of adding California to the list of localities to
which they affect to convey the passengers.

Some of the omnibuses on the western road might just as well
invite the public to go to Kamschatka or Seringapatam, as to Ken-
sington and Hammersmith ; for when vou approach the vehicles with a
request to be set down at either of those suburbs, you find the door
slammed in your face, without a word beyond a shout of " All right"
to the driver, who puts his horses along at a rapid rate, leaving you in
the middle of the road to reflect upon human deceit—a reflection from
which you are aroused by a cabman, who inundates you with oaths,
because he has nearly driven over you.

We should suggest the introduction of a few bond fide Kensington
and Hammersmith omnibuses in addition to those mere " mockeries,
delusions, and snares," which fly along the road to tantalise those
among the public who won't go five miles further on than their destina-
tion, for the sake of giving double fare to the conductors, and having
to walk back again.

ANALYSIS OF THE SPEECH OF MR. DISRAELI.

The speech made by Mr. Disraeli in the House of Commons,
on proposing his resolutions relative to the burdens on agriculture,
was sent for analysis to the laboratory of that eminent chemist Mr.
Punch. It appeared as a mass of watery vapour, nearly equal in volume to
a small duodecimo, bnt which was reduced by condensation into a much
smaller space. On applying the test of Mr. Joseph Hume, there was
thrown down a large precipitate of imaginary facts and figures. There
remained in solution a tissue of misrepresentations combined with a great
amount of clap-trap and a considerable portion of fatty matter, that on
examination proved to be gammon: from which substances the liquid
was separated by distillation.

The product which came over was chiefly aqueous: containing, how-
ever, traces of spirit, and a minute quantity of essential principle—which
consisted in easing the landlords of taxation at the expense of the
community, and leaving the much-enduring tenant-farmers worse off than
they are.

THE NAYY ON ITS LAST LEGS.

" She walks the waters," says a first-rate poet, speaking of a very
superior vessel, "like a thing of life." It is to be feared that there
are too many ships in the British Navy, which, in spite of all that has
bcim spent upon their construction and re-construction, will never be
able to walk the waters at all. A limp or a hobble is all that can be
expected of these lame contrivances ot the Admiralty. If they were
capable of floating, they should be turned adrift; but as that is impos-
sible, let them be paid off, according to their deserts, and sent beggmg.