Punch (16.1849)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 183

rnents. lie had before covered himself with felony, and performed
a glorious campaign of thirty days' hard labour in one of Her Majesty's
prisons. James Mill, _ at the time we write, is the last hero who
may intermingle with his laurel a sprig of flowering hemp.

_ We could number half-a-dozen of the Foot Guards who have of late
distinguished themselves. One hot-blooded imp of fame attacks a
servant-girl for the purpose of robbing her; whilst another, mingling
wariness with his courage, eases a. terrified churchman of hie watch and
purse, boasting "that he would take money, or anything he could get,
from the public, and had done so." And three comrades—by name,
Price, Steward, and Walker—listen to the boast with sympathetic
approval, and drink of the malt purchased by that ingenuous Scot
Fusilier. Well, Punch presents his compliments to F. M. the Luke of
Wellington, and begs to inquire of his Grace what remedy he proposes
to apply to the misdirected energies of the Household Foot Guards; who,
for want of something better to do, rob servant-maids and appal clergy-
men ? Punch is willing to concede that F. M. the Duke is quite as
able—perhaps better able—to govern the army than Mr. P.; nevertheless
he begs to submit that there are spots in India where the HouseholdFoot
Guards might—as sons of glory—haply perspire away"i' the imminent
deadly breach " the many dirty blots with which they have covered
themselves in Hyde Park,before the residence of the Duchess of Kent,
in Lambeth, and other home places. Some of them might haply till a
soldier's grave, and so be altogether cleansed; grave-dust being held
" the true fuller's earth, taking out all stains."

Or Punch presents another set of compliments to F. M. the Duke ;
and if it be not held expedient to ship the Foot Guards—(in their case
with very large pieces of Napierian soap)—to wash ihemselves in the
Hydaspes ; that then every individual of the aforesaid force should be
distinguished by a medal at his breast—a medal struck at any of the
gaols—to mark his particular act of prowess, the medals varying with
the varying felony. That the medals be cast from the condemned
scales of nefarious shopkeepers, and be worn round the neck of the
felon-soldier, suspended by a cord of carefully picked oakum. Thus,
when the soldier is loose—taking his civil walk—the passengers might
take care of themselves and their pockets accordingly. Moreover, such
medals, suspended round the neck of certain sentineis, might operate as
a beneficial warning upon timid or short-sighted country clergymen.

And further, Punch presents his final compliments to F. M. the
Duke of Wellington, and respectfidly suggests that appropriate
colours should be presented to the regiments whose members have
distinguished the bodv in the hemp-field of glorv. The colours might be
worked with the word "Newgate," "Coldbatfi," "Tothill-Fields." as
the field might be; worked by the female prisoners in the very hair of
the heroes, cut by the prison barber on admittance to the gaol. The
trophy and memento would herein be pleasantly combined.

Punch hegs, leave to state that he avails himself of the present
opportunity to wish F. M. the Duke of Wellington many happy
returns of Tuesday last, the first of May, and the anniversary of the
first day of F. M. Punch doubts not, if rustic annals were referred to,
it would be found that on the 1st of May, 1769, there was a prodigious
shoot of laurels throughout the empire—a greater shoot than any
known " within the memory of the Oldest Inhabitant." That these
laurels may continue fresh and green, Punch further suggests that all
Fusdier slugs and Foot caterpillars be picked out, crushed, exterminated!

boil up a gallop !

Mr. Punch presents his compliments to the Directors of the South-
western Kailway, and begs to intimate, that, unless some acceleration
takes place in the speed of the trains on the London and Datchet
branch, he shall feel called upon to authorise the Public to call that
line the London and Datchet Snailway.

SMALL SHOT FIRED BY A LIVE-POUNDER. ,

or, what i saw in france during my recent
excursion.

I saw several stormy discussions in the National Assembly, and felt
quite proud that our House of Commons was so far superior to it in
gentlemanly demeanour.

I saw one representative of the people publicly strike another, and
thought to myself, " Well, if our Members do occasionally fight a duel,
at all events they never descend to blows !" and I felt still more proud
for St. Stephen's.

I saw long poles decked out with faded ribbons, and dead Immortelles,
which I was told were " Trees of Liberty," but I never should have
guessed it. A day or two afterwards I saw some of these long poles
cut down, lying in the mud, and somehow I could not help reflecting
that such was generally the fate in France with everything that was
popular.

I saw ihc representatives and ministers caricatured in the farces
and vaudevilles, and was rather astonished at the joyous manner in
which the audience laughed at every little allusion to their dear
liepublic.

I saw several of the houses battered with shot, and still retaining
marks of the cannon, and no longer wondered that the French had such
little affection for home, when they could scarcelv call it their own for
two days together. If a Frenchman's home, like an Englishman's, is
his castle, then, egad, it should be a fortified one.

1 saw one man call on Lamartine, and this one man called himself
"an English deputation;" and I burst out laughing when I read in his
speech somclhing about "unanimity," just as if it were a very difficult
tiling for one man to be unanimous.

I saw in a shop, placed side by side, busts of Louis-Napoleon, the
Duke of Bordeaux, and the Count of Paris, closely elbowing one
another, which struck me as rather curious ; but not half so much so as
the general absence of every memento of Louis-Philippe. Not a
portrait of him anywhere, excepting a rare one, every now and then,
on a five-franc piece ; his very name seems to have left the French
language. He might well without fear of contradiction publish now,
a la Chateaubriand, his " Memoires IS'Outre-tombe."

I saw the conscription going on in one of the country villages, and
witnessed a mother weeping over a gamin 1 hat had drawn an unlucky
number, whilst the young scamp was grinning.

I saw in Boulogne far more English than French.

1 saw a Frenchman not admitted on the railway at one of the inter-
mediate stations because he had left his passport behind him.

I saw several newspapers seized, and afterwards heard that the
Editors had been severely fined, which I thought was rather a free
manner of enforcing the Liberty of the Press; but then it must be
confessed that the Press in France, in ret urn, takes liberties enough
without the smallest warrant.

I also saw a Club closed, and a five-sous banquet dispersed, and a
crowd of six people ordered to " circuler," and it was all done, st rangely
enough, in the name of the Republic.

I likewise saw (what I would much rather have not seen) women
addressing Political Meetings, and they were answered and cheered on
by other women, who, I thought, would have been much better em-
ployed at home mending their stockings, or nursing their babies; that
is to say, if French women ever do either, for I had no time to see.

I neither saw nor heard the slightest allusion to Fraternite j but what
pleased me a great deal more was, that I saw all the public buddings
and exhibitions in Paris, without paying the smallest twopence for
admission, and I thought, with shame, how different it was in my own
country.

The same feeling coloured my cheeks when I saw the Standish Gallery
handsomely displayed in the Louvre, for I could not help asking myself,
in what, miserable dark hole, or cupboard, or corner, or cellar, would this
same collection have been put, supposing it had been presented, like
Mr. Vernon's generous gift, to the English nation? How much better
they manage these things in France !

I saw the Public Galleries and Museums thrown open on the Sunday,
and really, for I watched most particularly, the people looked all the hap-
pier for it. Greater decorum could not have prevailed, and not an article
was broken. I thought of the British Museum, the Society of Arts, the
National Gallery, and wondered why we English, who profess, as other
nations profess, to be " the most civilised nation in the world," do not
follow so beneficial, so happy an example!

I saw a great deal more that pained and charmed me alternately, but
that which gave me by far the greatest pleasure was the kindly feeling,
and cordiality, shown us by every Frenchman wherever we went. It
was a great family holiday. Good-nature greeted us everywhere, and
I, for myself, never could have believed that the French were one half
such fine, generous, jolly fellows, as, to my great delight and enjoyment,
I found them. If it is for this discovery alone, I shall never regret the
£5 I have spent in my excursion to Paris. Vivent les Francais !