Punch: Punch (17.1849)

164

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

LIGHTS! LIGHTS! I SAY." | A STOCK OP ADMIRALS, CAPTAINS, & GENERALS,

sueeicibnt to last eor the next 100 years.

Two of the elements are
wofully deficient in the
neighbourhood of Eaton
Square, and the traveller,
on entering its precincts,
has good reason to appre

unless he provides himself
with the means of i'lumi-
nation in this region of
obscurity.

We should recommend a few of the celebrated dogs of St. Bernard's
to be engaged during the winter season, to perambulate Eaton Square
and its neighbourl ood, with lanthoms in their mouths, to serve as
guides to the benighted wayfarers. A few domestic puppies, or unhappy
dogs of footmen, have already been engaged on this philanthropic

England has a capital Naval and Military stock. She has 150 Ad-
mirals, and only 15 of them are employed. What, a notion it must give
a foreigner of the unbounded weali.li of our country, when he considers
, . that we can afford to keep 135 Admirals merely to help 10 others to do

hend that ?> Chaos has : their work! This monster drove of Hyde Park Drakes—these 135
come again. Ihe road is | Nelsons on horseback—must be quite happy to take a turn occasion-
usually li ttle better than a I a]]v at the wheel of some Chelsea steamer, if simply to keep their hand
rudis indigestaque moles ot in. We should not much wonder if one bought, the berth of Captain on
common mould, with a hoard the halfpenny Moonshine; if another had his flag flying from the
brickbat here, and a pan- stavs 0f the Lass of Richmond; whilst every Waterman that steams to
me there, to give it variety. Greenwich or Woolwich will probably have either a Red, or a Blue, or
Ihe gas seems to have a Yellow Admiral on its paddle-box shouting as lively as possible, "Ease
been all cut off m its prime, >er j » "Stop'er." They must do something to keep up their nauticaj
and the watering or the knowledge, or else when they are ordered to take the command of a
roads appears to be left to squadron, they will know less about a ship even than Loud Johm
the voluntary contnbu- Russell, or the Earl of Ellenborough.

tions ot our old mend n , ... , c . , . , , m r •, 0

Aquarius Whoever ven- But it we have an ocean of Admirals, with only a lralalgar Square
tures into this ]oca]^y : Basin to put them in, we have likewise a whole parkful of Captains,
after nightfall will ran ?nc^ notnrxig but charity boys to _ give them to lead to victory. The
the risk°of another fall ^noran^ reader, who has no notion of the immense resources of his
' ' country, will scarcely believe that we possess no less than 780 Captains.
He probably did not think there were so many in the whole world, but
whilst he is rather pleased to learn that England is so richly provided
with Captains, he cannot help wondering how she can want such alarga
number. His astonishment is perfectly natural, and we should know
better than to laugh at it, for England does not want 780 Captains any
more than she wants 780 Prime Ministers, and so she very wisely
employs only as many as she wants, and pays the remainder for
ravaging the ball-rooms and laying waste all the young ladies' hearts,

service, and may be seen after sunset acting the part of glow-worms, or i or doi?£ anything they please -which liberal privilege the Captains
walking gas-lights, in attendance upon the ambulatory inhabitants of the : generally avail themselves of. England therefore only employs 180 Cap

vicinity. We feel it our duty to ridicule the present darkness of Eaton
Square, as the readiest way of making light of it,

Conscience. Avaunt!

tains, and as she does not want the other 600, they are allowed to keep
company with the 135 Admirals, who are in a similar predicament to
themselves, and have nothing to do, and are only kept in for fear
there should be something for them to do at some time or other. Tha
same generosity is shown by our economical Government to our brava
Generals, for, whilst we have 340 Generals, we have only 120 Regiments,
so that every Regiment has nearly three Generals a-piece.

The ignorant reader above alluded to will, doubtlessly, maintain that
this excessive prodigality of command proves bad generalship some-
where, but we beg to assure him that a General is not a thing that is
made in a day, and so it is necessary always to keep a stock on hand.
It is true that we have Admirals, without ships; Captains, without
soldiers; and Generals, without regiments; but this, far from being a
waste, is the strictest economy, and is easily explained by the simple fact,
that it is much easier to build a ship than to make an Admiral; and
that it is the simplest thing in the world to enlist a soldier and raise a
regiment, but the great difficulty is to find Captains and a General
for them.

Therefore, if the ignorant reader, whose narrow-minded objections
we have done him the honour, not only to listen to, but to refute, still
persists in calling this a system of waste, and that, if it is persevered
in, we shall soon be having Field-Marshals without an army, Bishops
and Archbishops without a single soul to cure, Colonel Rowans
without a blessed policeman, and an overflow of Beadles without a
single pauper; and that the consequences of such reckless extravagance
must, very rapidly, be a Government without Funds, and a National
Debt without end ; it is very clear that he understands nothing at all
about it. We always find it the best way with a man like the one in
question, who cannot convince you, and will not be convinced, to
finish the argument by calling him a nincompoop, which accordingly we
do in the present instance. Reader, you are to consider yourself
called a " Nincompoop."

Interesting and Daring Challenge.

Me. Eeargus O'Connor has challenged the House of Commons for
£100 aside "to lay down his life" 272 times, and to pick it up again,,
in the course of one year. We understand that he is backed to a very
large amount by some of the wealthiest Life Insurance Companies in
the City, who place the greatest confidence in the honourable member's

Some curiosity is naturally excited as to who the parties can be that
from i ime to time forward sums of conscience money to the Chancellob

oe the Exchequer We understand that a considerable portion of the ......

sums thus sent proceeds from West End tailors and other tradesmen who 1 powers of longevity. No answer has yet been sent to Mb. O'Connor's
thus make a kind of partial atonement for their overcharges to their liberal offer. 'The"reason for this curious apathy is founded, we are
customers. It has been rumoured that Mr. Dunue intends contri- informed, upon the absurd belief that the indefatigable M. P. is sure
buting one shilling as conscience money, being exactly one-eighth per to p. rform the astonishing feat, no matter whether he is challenged or
cent, on the sum he has lor a long time unconscionably owed nis , not. In the meant ime he is in capital condition, having been in training
landlord. [ UOw for several years.