DOI issue:
July to December, 1850
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16606#0218
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
AGGRESSION ON THE OMNIBUS EOOES.
the Papers, I see, Mr. Punch,
tliat the Commissioners of
Police intend to put down
the seats on the roofs of the
omnibuses. In the first place,
Sir, if the roof-seats come
down, the fares will go up,
to the inconvenience of all,
except the ducal, episcopal,
baronial, and other extremely
superior classes. But there
are several descriptions of
persons whom the proposed
alteration will particularly
incommode.
Being obliged to go inside
omnibuses, which are so nar-
row that people can neither
get in nor out without tread-
ing on their fellow-passen-
gers' toes, will be a great
hardship to gentlemen afflict-
ed with corns. Sir, unfortu-
nately, I can sympathise with
those gentlemen. Other gen-
tlemen there are who are in
the habit of dining out. To
such it will be peculiarly
vexatious to be unable to
take a sixpenny ride to the
abode of hospitality, except
at the peril of a succession of
stamps being imprinted by dirty highlows on resplendent boots. With these
gentlemen, Sir, I have also a community of feeling and interest. Then, Sir, there
are gentlemen, also, who I will not say have an aversion to infants, for that
would be barbarous, but who object to too close a proximity to those interesting
objects, and would rather be out of the hearing of their cries, or, at least, have
those innocent but intolerable sounds mellowed by as great a distance as possible.
To be condemned to the interior of an omnibus is to be doomed, in nine cases
out of ten, to immediate contiguity to an obstreperous babe in arms: a position
most nervous and uncomfortable. It is therefore a severe sentence, and a heavy
punishment _to the class of gentlemen I have last adverted to, and in whose
susceptibilities and sensations I likewise strongly participate. An omnibus full of
fine healthy young women—half a dozen of them with a nursling each in her lap—
is a very common, and, no doubt, a satisfactory sight; and they make, I dare say,
a very pleasant party among themselves, and are a very fit and proper cargo for
the inside of the vehicle. In the meantime, Sir, give me the out; and I hope you
will stand up for the roof-seats, and the comfort of
An Uncle op a Family.
ON BIRDS, BALLOONS, AND BOLUSES.
The bird of iEscuLAPius ought, certainly, to have been a goose; for " Quack,
quack, quack," should be the great motto of medicine. One professor invents
an ointment for other people's bad legs, which keeps him comfortably on his
own, while another makes a harvest of everybody's corn, and a third publishes a
pill to smooth the pillow of every invalid, or a bolus to render his bolster bearable.
In another phase of quackery, we find specifics for the hair recommended to those
who are ready to take any nonsense into their heads., and will boldly stand " the
hazard of the dye," in the vain hope that the grey, indicating the twilight or winter
time of life, may be exchanged for the dark, brown tints of summer or autumn
at the latest; and we are constantly being invited to " remove our baldness " in
advertisements, which we know to be the very essence of balderdash.
Quackery, however, seems to be successful in some cases, for the public will
swallow anything from a puff to a pill, from music to medicine, from a play to a
plaister, and there is no doubt that (to paraphrase Macbeth, when speaking of
the possibility that Birnam Wood being come to Dunsinane) :—
" If Baenuh would but come to Drmy Lane,"
he would, by his force of quackery, make that pay him which has paid no one else
during the last quarter of a century. Such is the spirit of the age, that, reading
the accounts from America relative to our own protegee, Jenny Lind, we are
disposed to think that the nightingale is being made a goose of in the United
btates—so vast is the amount of quackery with which her name is just now
identified.
As there is good to be sot from every evil, we are justified in expecting that the
putt and quack malady will cure itself, and if things are likely to mend when they
get to the worst, we may congratulate ourselves" upon humbug having reached
almost the antipodes of sense and propriety. The balloon mania has already nearly
extiausted the utmost resources of absurdity; for M. Poitevin on a donkey-
How very like putting butter upon bacon!— has failed to attract, and three or four
women suspended in the air are, now necessary to tempt
the curiosity of the Parisian public when a balloon ascends
from the Hippodrome. We expect to hear next that
Poitevin intends going up attached to the balloon by the
hair of his head, for he seems quite silly enough to become
the victim of such a very foolish attachment.
WANTED—WAREHOUSE-ROOM EOR ART.
By Mk. John Bull.
Why leave me a parcel of pictures,
And why give me statues—5od rot 'em!—
To draw on me foreigners' strictures ?
They 're no use to me when I've got 'em.
They 're very fine and splendid, I dare say,
And so they'd look, no doubt, if I could show 'em ;
But I'm obliged to put 'em all away—
I haven't one fit place wherein to stow 'em.
Keep your Wilson, your Gainsborough, your Lely,
Your Hogarth, your Reynolds, your Knelleb—
If you give them to me, I say freely,
I shall go put 'em all in a cellar.
My gallery won't hold one Master more ;
Michael Angelo could find there no locality,
And if Raphael himself came to the door,
With Eebguson he'd taste like hospitality.
Mb. Layard here just has been sending
Prom Nineveh various antiquities,
Its manners to illustrate tending,
And customs, and sins, and iniquities.
But then there's my Museum stuffed so full,
If Nimbod's self applied there'd not be room for him
As for that what d' ye call it—-winged bull—
I've no accommodation but a tomb for him.
I don't under-value the present—
A painting I love beyond measure ;
To look at fine sculpture is pleasant:
But where to dispose of the treasure r
Your pictures and your marbles I '11 receive,
Without the slightest murmur or objection ;
If you be also kind enough to leave
A proper place for holding the collection.
"JUSTICE TO BACHELORS."
" Mb. Punch,
"I have read the complaints of Charles Single-
boy, in your last, with sympathy; and have, with great
feeling, considered the cuts of the artist, illustrative of the
injustice complained of by C. S., and my remedy is—this.
" Let the ladies (and I say bless 'em!) have the best
rooms, and the men the worst; but don't let the married
men lie in clover by virtue of their wives; whilst the
bachelors are hoisted into the garrets.
" My remedy—I repeat it—is this.
" Let the women, married and single, share the best
beds together among 'em ; and let the men, married and
bachelors, individually rough it in the attics.
" Yours,
" A Single Victim."
AN APPETITE POR NOVELTY.
At one of the numerous exhibitions daily advertising their
attractions to the world, we find among the programme the
announcement of some " exquisite pearl-eaters." This part
of the entertainment must be rather costly for the proprietor,
if the pearl-eaters happen to have good appetites, and are
allowed their pearls as the French are their_ bread, a dis-
cretion. Surely there must be some mistake in the adver-
tisement, and 'pearl-drinkers must be intended instead of
pearl-eaters, for early pearl—or purl, as it is usually spelt,
we believe—is a common and inexpensive beverage. There
ought to be literally, as well as musically, a pluie des Perles
to supply the expensive tastes of these individuals, who,
by having their appetites thus luxuriously pampered, may,
in time, require some garnets by way of garniture, or
should they turn topers, insist on drinking nothing less
choice than dissolved topazes.
AGGRESSION ON THE OMNIBUS EOOES.
the Papers, I see, Mr. Punch,
tliat the Commissioners of
Police intend to put down
the seats on the roofs of the
omnibuses. In the first place,
Sir, if the roof-seats come
down, the fares will go up,
to the inconvenience of all,
except the ducal, episcopal,
baronial, and other extremely
superior classes. But there
are several descriptions of
persons whom the proposed
alteration will particularly
incommode.
Being obliged to go inside
omnibuses, which are so nar-
row that people can neither
get in nor out without tread-
ing on their fellow-passen-
gers' toes, will be a great
hardship to gentlemen afflict-
ed with corns. Sir, unfortu-
nately, I can sympathise with
those gentlemen. Other gen-
tlemen there are who are in
the habit of dining out. To
such it will be peculiarly
vexatious to be unable to
take a sixpenny ride to the
abode of hospitality, except
at the peril of a succession of
stamps being imprinted by dirty highlows on resplendent boots. With these
gentlemen, Sir, I have also a community of feeling and interest. Then, Sir, there
are gentlemen, also, who I will not say have an aversion to infants, for that
would be barbarous, but who object to too close a proximity to those interesting
objects, and would rather be out of the hearing of their cries, or, at least, have
those innocent but intolerable sounds mellowed by as great a distance as possible.
To be condemned to the interior of an omnibus is to be doomed, in nine cases
out of ten, to immediate contiguity to an obstreperous babe in arms: a position
most nervous and uncomfortable. It is therefore a severe sentence, and a heavy
punishment _to the class of gentlemen I have last adverted to, and in whose
susceptibilities and sensations I likewise strongly participate. An omnibus full of
fine healthy young women—half a dozen of them with a nursling each in her lap—
is a very common, and, no doubt, a satisfactory sight; and they make, I dare say,
a very pleasant party among themselves, and are a very fit and proper cargo for
the inside of the vehicle. In the meantime, Sir, give me the out; and I hope you
will stand up for the roof-seats, and the comfort of
An Uncle op a Family.
ON BIRDS, BALLOONS, AND BOLUSES.
The bird of iEscuLAPius ought, certainly, to have been a goose; for " Quack,
quack, quack," should be the great motto of medicine. One professor invents
an ointment for other people's bad legs, which keeps him comfortably on his
own, while another makes a harvest of everybody's corn, and a third publishes a
pill to smooth the pillow of every invalid, or a bolus to render his bolster bearable.
In another phase of quackery, we find specifics for the hair recommended to those
who are ready to take any nonsense into their heads., and will boldly stand " the
hazard of the dye," in the vain hope that the grey, indicating the twilight or winter
time of life, may be exchanged for the dark, brown tints of summer or autumn
at the latest; and we are constantly being invited to " remove our baldness " in
advertisements, which we know to be the very essence of balderdash.
Quackery, however, seems to be successful in some cases, for the public will
swallow anything from a puff to a pill, from music to medicine, from a play to a
plaister, and there is no doubt that (to paraphrase Macbeth, when speaking of
the possibility that Birnam Wood being come to Dunsinane) :—
" If Baenuh would but come to Drmy Lane,"
he would, by his force of quackery, make that pay him which has paid no one else
during the last quarter of a century. Such is the spirit of the age, that, reading
the accounts from America relative to our own protegee, Jenny Lind, we are
disposed to think that the nightingale is being made a goose of in the United
btates—so vast is the amount of quackery with which her name is just now
identified.
As there is good to be sot from every evil, we are justified in expecting that the
putt and quack malady will cure itself, and if things are likely to mend when they
get to the worst, we may congratulate ourselves" upon humbug having reached
almost the antipodes of sense and propriety. The balloon mania has already nearly
extiausted the utmost resources of absurdity; for M. Poitevin on a donkey-
How very like putting butter upon bacon!— has failed to attract, and three or four
women suspended in the air are, now necessary to tempt
the curiosity of the Parisian public when a balloon ascends
from the Hippodrome. We expect to hear next that
Poitevin intends going up attached to the balloon by the
hair of his head, for he seems quite silly enough to become
the victim of such a very foolish attachment.
WANTED—WAREHOUSE-ROOM EOR ART.
By Mk. John Bull.
Why leave me a parcel of pictures,
And why give me statues—5od rot 'em!—
To draw on me foreigners' strictures ?
They 're no use to me when I've got 'em.
They 're very fine and splendid, I dare say,
And so they'd look, no doubt, if I could show 'em ;
But I'm obliged to put 'em all away—
I haven't one fit place wherein to stow 'em.
Keep your Wilson, your Gainsborough, your Lely,
Your Hogarth, your Reynolds, your Knelleb—
If you give them to me, I say freely,
I shall go put 'em all in a cellar.
My gallery won't hold one Master more ;
Michael Angelo could find there no locality,
And if Raphael himself came to the door,
With Eebguson he'd taste like hospitality.
Mb. Layard here just has been sending
Prom Nineveh various antiquities,
Its manners to illustrate tending,
And customs, and sins, and iniquities.
But then there's my Museum stuffed so full,
If Nimbod's self applied there'd not be room for him
As for that what d' ye call it—-winged bull—
I've no accommodation but a tomb for him.
I don't under-value the present—
A painting I love beyond measure ;
To look at fine sculpture is pleasant:
But where to dispose of the treasure r
Your pictures and your marbles I '11 receive,
Without the slightest murmur or objection ;
If you be also kind enough to leave
A proper place for holding the collection.
"JUSTICE TO BACHELORS."
" Mb. Punch,
"I have read the complaints of Charles Single-
boy, in your last, with sympathy; and have, with great
feeling, considered the cuts of the artist, illustrative of the
injustice complained of by C. S., and my remedy is—this.
" Let the ladies (and I say bless 'em!) have the best
rooms, and the men the worst; but don't let the married
men lie in clover by virtue of their wives; whilst the
bachelors are hoisted into the garrets.
" My remedy—I repeat it—is this.
" Let the women, married and single, share the best
beds together among 'em ; and let the men, married and
bachelors, individually rough it in the attics.
" Yours,
" A Single Victim."
AN APPETITE POR NOVELTY.
At one of the numerous exhibitions daily advertising their
attractions to the world, we find among the programme the
announcement of some " exquisite pearl-eaters." This part
of the entertainment must be rather costly for the proprietor,
if the pearl-eaters happen to have good appetites, and are
allowed their pearls as the French are their_ bread, a dis-
cretion. Surely there must be some mistake in the adver-
tisement, and 'pearl-drinkers must be intended instead of
pearl-eaters, for early pearl—or purl, as it is usually spelt,
we believe—is a common and inexpensive beverage. There
ought to be literally, as well as musically, a pluie des Perles
to supply the expensive tastes of these individuals, who,
by having their appetites thus luxuriously pampered, may,
in time, require some garnets by way of garniture, or
should they turn topers, insist on drinking nothing less
choice than dissolved topazes.