DOI Heft:
January to June, 1851
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16607#0083
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
75
THE TAILOR AT THE BAR.
here are certain Polyglot tailors
who, on the confusion of the builders
of Babel, would have been quite
ready " to receive the orders" of
any of the hodmen, whatever tongue
they might suddenly have possessed.
These tailors—"there is a young
and sweating devil," as Othello says,
manifest in then: advertisements—
have—
" Already furnished estimates for attor-
neys practising in County Courts, which, as
a new institution, will necessarily attract
the attention of all intelligent and inquiring
foreigners during the forthcoming graud
jubilee of all nations."
We are very happy to know this ;
because England, as a nation, desires
to appear well to all the world by
her attorneys: and it would really
afflict us if that important, that vital
body of men—more especially the
limbs of the body—practising at our
County Courts, were not handsomely
got up for public exhibition to all foreigners.
Mr. Punch has been favoured with a view of the sort of dress
" estimated " for our County Court attorneys, and has no doubt that it
will challenge the admiration of all the world. The thing is epigram-
matically cut, being cut as closely as possible, to indicate the lowness
of costs ; whilst the pockets are of the smallest, and every pocket with
a hole in it, further to illustrate the melancholy fact that the County
Courts are ruining a glorious profession ; and—thanks to Lord
Brougham—that nothing is now to be made by it.
As our friends the many-tongued tailors have set their prolific goose
to hatch new forms of robes for legal practitioners, could they not
invent something for Chancery wear ? Some strong, stout, black, en-
during web ; black as though dyed in the lake Cocytus, and enduring as
though woven of Nestor's heart-strings ? If not for the practitioners,
at least for suitors in Chancery, this should be the only wear. In such
a suit they might possibly see out a suit.
A. PLAN FOE A PETZE NOVEL.
In a Letter from the eminent Dramatist Brown to the eminent
Novelist Snooks.
" My dear Snooks, " Cafe des Aveugles,
" I am on the look out here for materials for original comedies
such as those lately produced at your theatre; and, in the course^ of
my studies, I have found something, my dear Snooks, which I think
will suit your book. You are bringing, I see, your admirable novel,
The Mysteries of May Fair, to an end—(by the way, the scene, in the
200th Number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the Jesuit
Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I ever read)—and,
of course, you must turn your real genius to some other channel; and
we may expect that your pen shall not be idle.
"The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from the
French ; just like the original dramas above-mentioned; and, indeed, I
found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and a French
literarv gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the
invention He and an Advertisement Agent fell out about a question *^™lJ^^u L^l\^J? y fYr T Q '
nf mniiPT flip affair wa.<s hm^hr. Wo™ fl.P. fWs. and the little nlnt ?*0°K.s> ana snouia any ruing come or it, i nope you writ rememDer your
chains, your studs, and the tip on your chin, I don't knowr any greater
swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into the shops I say, ask for the prin-
cipal, and introduce yourself, saving—' I am the great Snooks ; I am
the author of the Mysteries of May Fair; my weekly sale is 281,000 ; I
am about to produce a new work called The Palaces of Pimlico or the
Curse of the Court, describing: and lashing fearlessly the vices of the
aristocracy—this book will have a sale of at least 530,000; it will be
on every table; in the boudoir of the pampered Duke, as in the chamber
of the honest artisan. The myriads of foreigners who are coming to
London, and are anxious to know about our national manners, will
purchase my book, and carry it to their distant homes. So, Mr.
Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller—how much will
you stand if I recommend you in my forthcoming novel? You may
make a noble income in this way, Snooks.
" For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more easy, what
more delightful, than the description of upholstery ? As thus :—
" Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider's voluptuous
ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes,
when Lord Bathekshins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of
Tomkins's elastic Axminster carpets. ' Good heavens, my lord!' she
said—and the lovely creature fainted. The earl rushed to the mantel-
piece, where he saw a fiacon of Otto's eau-de-Cologne, and, &c.
" Or say it's a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just as
easily. As thus:—
"'We are poor, Eliza,5 said Harry Hard hand, looking affec-
tionately at his wife, ' but we have enough, love, have we not, for our
humble wants ? The rich and luxurious may go to Dillow's or
Gobiggin's, but we can get our rooms comfortably furnished at Tim-
monson's for £20.' And putting on her bonnet, and hanging affec-
tionately on her husband, the stoker's pretty bride tripped gaily to the
well-known mart, where Timmonson, with his usual affability, was ready
to receive them.
"Then you might have a touch at the wine merchant and purveyor
' Where do you get this delicious claret, or pate defoie gras, or what you
please ?' said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace Swell-
more. The voluptuous Bart, answered—at So-and-So's, or So-and-So's.
The answer is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or your larder in
this way. Begad, Snooks ! I lick my lips at the very idea !
"Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c, how easy to get a
word for them ! Amramson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Padding-
ton with an assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that
simple but aristocratic style, of which Schneider alone has the secret.
Parvy Newcome really looked like a gentleman, and though corpulent
and crooked, Schneider had managed to give him, &c. Don't you see
what a stroke of business you might do in this way ?
" The shoemaker. Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across
the ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by
Chevillet of Bond Street, could move in that fairy way; and—
" The hairdresser. ' Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,'
said the Earl. ' I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and
he has not a single grey hair.' Wiggins laughed. ' My good Lord
Baldock,' said the old wag, 'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of
Ducroissant's shop, and under his valet's arm—ho ! ho! ho !—and the
two bon-vivans chuckled as the Count passed by, talking with, &c, &c.
" The gunmaker. The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed
before bis gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one
of Clicker's manufacture, and Sir Makmaduke knew he covdd trust
the maker and the weapon. 'One, two, three,' cried O'Tool, and the
1 wo pistols went off at that instant, and uttering a terrific curse the
Life Guardsman, &c.—a sentence of this nature from your pen, my
dear Snooks, would, I should think, bring a case of pistols and a double
barrelled gun to your lodgings, and though heaven forbid you should
use such weapons, you might sell them, you know, and we could make
merry with the proceeds.
of money, the affair was brought before the Courts, and the little plot
so got wind. But there is no reason why you should not take the plot
and act on it yourself. You are a known man ; the public relishes
your works ; anything bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by
the masses; and, though Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell Street, pay
you handsomely, I make no doubt you would like to be rewarded at a
still higher figure.
" Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days
is good for nothing. This, one writes with a Socialist purpose; that
with a Conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the most
delicate skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all
but a Papist in the third volume: another doctors you with low church
remedies to work inwardly upon you, and which you swallow down
unsuspiciously, as children do calomel in jelly. ' Fiction advocates all
sorts of truths and causes—doesn't the delightful bard of the Minories
find Moses in everything ? M. Gonzales's plan, and the one which
I recommend to my dear Snooks, simply was to write an advertisement
novel. Look over the Times or the Directory, walk down Regent-street,
or Fleet-street any day—see what houses advertise most, and put your-
self into communication with their proprietors. With your rings, your
friend.5
Simple Plot for a Grand Roman Play.
Scene, Rome. Period, 1851.
Exeunt French Troops. Enter Sign ob, Mazzini.
[Ilalf-an-hour is supposed to elapse, when a Foreign Ambassador's
Carriage, with the Pope's Cook inside—the Cook bearing a strong temporary
resemblance to his Holiness himself—passes through the Flaminian Gate.]
Curtain descends as the Guns from St. Angela commence firing in the
Republic.
physic for all nations.
A Correspondent, signing himself " Bottles,55 has a contribution
to offer to the Great Exhibition. He wishes to know if he may
" exhibit " medicines there to any gentleman or lady who may chance
to be taken ill.
75
THE TAILOR AT THE BAR.
here are certain Polyglot tailors
who, on the confusion of the builders
of Babel, would have been quite
ready " to receive the orders" of
any of the hodmen, whatever tongue
they might suddenly have possessed.
These tailors—"there is a young
and sweating devil," as Othello says,
manifest in then: advertisements—
have—
" Already furnished estimates for attor-
neys practising in County Courts, which, as
a new institution, will necessarily attract
the attention of all intelligent and inquiring
foreigners during the forthcoming graud
jubilee of all nations."
We are very happy to know this ;
because England, as a nation, desires
to appear well to all the world by
her attorneys: and it would really
afflict us if that important, that vital
body of men—more especially the
limbs of the body—practising at our
County Courts, were not handsomely
got up for public exhibition to all foreigners.
Mr. Punch has been favoured with a view of the sort of dress
" estimated " for our County Court attorneys, and has no doubt that it
will challenge the admiration of all the world. The thing is epigram-
matically cut, being cut as closely as possible, to indicate the lowness
of costs ; whilst the pockets are of the smallest, and every pocket with
a hole in it, further to illustrate the melancholy fact that the County
Courts are ruining a glorious profession ; and—thanks to Lord
Brougham—that nothing is now to be made by it.
As our friends the many-tongued tailors have set their prolific goose
to hatch new forms of robes for legal practitioners, could they not
invent something for Chancery wear ? Some strong, stout, black, en-
during web ; black as though dyed in the lake Cocytus, and enduring as
though woven of Nestor's heart-strings ? If not for the practitioners,
at least for suitors in Chancery, this should be the only wear. In such
a suit they might possibly see out a suit.
A. PLAN FOE A PETZE NOVEL.
In a Letter from the eminent Dramatist Brown to the eminent
Novelist Snooks.
" My dear Snooks, " Cafe des Aveugles,
" I am on the look out here for materials for original comedies
such as those lately produced at your theatre; and, in the course^ of
my studies, I have found something, my dear Snooks, which I think
will suit your book. You are bringing, I see, your admirable novel,
The Mysteries of May Fair, to an end—(by the way, the scene, in the
200th Number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the Jesuit
Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I ever read)—and,
of course, you must turn your real genius to some other channel; and
we may expect that your pen shall not be idle.
"The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from the
French ; just like the original dramas above-mentioned; and, indeed, I
found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and a French
literarv gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the
invention He and an Advertisement Agent fell out about a question *^™lJ^^u L^l\^J? y fYr T Q '
nf mniiPT flip affair wa.<s hm^hr. Wo™ fl.P. fWs. and the little nlnt ?*0°K.s> ana snouia any ruing come or it, i nope you writ rememDer your
chains, your studs, and the tip on your chin, I don't knowr any greater
swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into the shops I say, ask for the prin-
cipal, and introduce yourself, saving—' I am the great Snooks ; I am
the author of the Mysteries of May Fair; my weekly sale is 281,000 ; I
am about to produce a new work called The Palaces of Pimlico or the
Curse of the Court, describing: and lashing fearlessly the vices of the
aristocracy—this book will have a sale of at least 530,000; it will be
on every table; in the boudoir of the pampered Duke, as in the chamber
of the honest artisan. The myriads of foreigners who are coming to
London, and are anxious to know about our national manners, will
purchase my book, and carry it to their distant homes. So, Mr.
Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller—how much will
you stand if I recommend you in my forthcoming novel? You may
make a noble income in this way, Snooks.
" For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more easy, what
more delightful, than the description of upholstery ? As thus :—
" Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider's voluptuous
ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes,
when Lord Bathekshins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of
Tomkins's elastic Axminster carpets. ' Good heavens, my lord!' she
said—and the lovely creature fainted. The earl rushed to the mantel-
piece, where he saw a fiacon of Otto's eau-de-Cologne, and, &c.
" Or say it's a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just as
easily. As thus:—
"'We are poor, Eliza,5 said Harry Hard hand, looking affec-
tionately at his wife, ' but we have enough, love, have we not, for our
humble wants ? The rich and luxurious may go to Dillow's or
Gobiggin's, but we can get our rooms comfortably furnished at Tim-
monson's for £20.' And putting on her bonnet, and hanging affec-
tionately on her husband, the stoker's pretty bride tripped gaily to the
well-known mart, where Timmonson, with his usual affability, was ready
to receive them.
"Then you might have a touch at the wine merchant and purveyor
' Where do you get this delicious claret, or pate defoie gras, or what you
please ?' said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace Swell-
more. The voluptuous Bart, answered—at So-and-So's, or So-and-So's.
The answer is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or your larder in
this way. Begad, Snooks ! I lick my lips at the very idea !
"Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c, how easy to get a
word for them ! Amramson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Padding-
ton with an assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that
simple but aristocratic style, of which Schneider alone has the secret.
Parvy Newcome really looked like a gentleman, and though corpulent
and crooked, Schneider had managed to give him, &c. Don't you see
what a stroke of business you might do in this way ?
" The shoemaker. Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across
the ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by
Chevillet of Bond Street, could move in that fairy way; and—
" The hairdresser. ' Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,'
said the Earl. ' I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and
he has not a single grey hair.' Wiggins laughed. ' My good Lord
Baldock,' said the old wag, 'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of
Ducroissant's shop, and under his valet's arm—ho ! ho! ho !—and the
two bon-vivans chuckled as the Count passed by, talking with, &c, &c.
" The gunmaker. The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed
before bis gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one
of Clicker's manufacture, and Sir Makmaduke knew he covdd trust
the maker and the weapon. 'One, two, three,' cried O'Tool, and the
1 wo pistols went off at that instant, and uttering a terrific curse the
Life Guardsman, &c.—a sentence of this nature from your pen, my
dear Snooks, would, I should think, bring a case of pistols and a double
barrelled gun to your lodgings, and though heaven forbid you should
use such weapons, you might sell them, you know, and we could make
merry with the proceeds.
of money, the affair was brought before the Courts, and the little plot
so got wind. But there is no reason why you should not take the plot
and act on it yourself. You are a known man ; the public relishes
your works ; anything bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by
the masses; and, though Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell Street, pay
you handsomely, I make no doubt you would like to be rewarded at a
still higher figure.
" Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days
is good for nothing. This, one writes with a Socialist purpose; that
with a Conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the most
delicate skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all
but a Papist in the third volume: another doctors you with low church
remedies to work inwardly upon you, and which you swallow down
unsuspiciously, as children do calomel in jelly. ' Fiction advocates all
sorts of truths and causes—doesn't the delightful bard of the Minories
find Moses in everything ? M. Gonzales's plan, and the one which
I recommend to my dear Snooks, simply was to write an advertisement
novel. Look over the Times or the Directory, walk down Regent-street,
or Fleet-street any day—see what houses advertise most, and put your-
self into communication with their proprietors. With your rings, your
friend.5
Simple Plot for a Grand Roman Play.
Scene, Rome. Period, 1851.
Exeunt French Troops. Enter Sign ob, Mazzini.
[Ilalf-an-hour is supposed to elapse, when a Foreign Ambassador's
Carriage, with the Pope's Cook inside—the Cook bearing a strong temporary
resemblance to his Holiness himself—passes through the Flaminian Gate.]
Curtain descends as the Guns from St. Angela commence firing in the
Republic.
physic for all nations.
A Correspondent, signing himself " Bottles,55 has a contribution
to offer to the Great Exhibition. He wishes to know if he may
" exhibit " medicines there to any gentleman or lady who may chance
to be taken ill.