DOI issue:
January to June, 1851
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16607#0114
106
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART
WHAT TO DO WITH THE SURPLUS.
iterally, the real
embarrassment of
the Government
has been an em-
barras des rich-
esses; for the chief
difficulty of the
Cabinet has been
what to do with
the surplus? Had
it been a defici-
ency the Ministers
would have been
used to it, for
they would only
have had to fill
up the hole in the
treasury from the
public pocket, but
the surplus seems
to give as much
trouble as the
sewage, for no-
body knows how
to dispose of it.
The first idea, and
a very unhappy
one, of the Chan-
cellor of the
Exchequer, was
to distribute it so very lightly over the country that nobody would
feel it—a principle which, though very judicious in the case of taxation
where there is an unpleasant load to be carried, is the reverse of
politic, where a benefit was to be distributed. Sir C. Wood began
dealing wiih his surplus as a waiter at Vauxhall deals with a ham
—by cutting it into such attenuated slices, that half the recipients
would taste nothing at all, and the few, who might be susceptible of
the flavour, would only have a relish engendered for more, by their
appetites being whetted instead of satisfied.
As the Chancellor of the Exchequer will, probably, look to our
pages in the course of the week for suggestions for his budget, to be
exposed to public view on Eriday, we will favour him with a hint or two,
for which he ought to, and perhaps will, be very much obliged to us.
Instead of making everybody dissatisfied by inviting the whole publie
to stand outside his cook's shop and inhale the vapours emanating from
the good things within, and telling us we ought to be as well satisfied
as if we had made a capital meal, we strongly recommend him to_ give
a hearty good feed to those who want it most, and trust to the patience
of the rest to wait till their turn comes. Let him take off the window
tax at one blow, and if there is anything more to spare, let him devote
it to introducing a principle of something like justice into the imposition
of the income tax. As this arrangement would _ give nothing to our
unfortunate friends the agriculturists, and as it is unpleasant to hear
constantly the melancholy roaring of the British Lion, we would pro-
pose to stop that noble but lugubrious animal's mouth with a lollipop,
in the shape of an equalisation of the poor-rate.
If the Chancellor of the Exchequer would proceed to the per-
formance of the first part of our suggestion, and hold out the promise
proposed in the last, we will guarantee himself and his budget a safe
passage by the Parliamentary Train, and a happy delivery at the
terminus of the session.
THE HUMBLE PETITION OF THE OXEN, COWS,
CALVES, PIGS, AND SHEEP,
driven for sale and slaughter to smithfield market.
Sheweth,
That, if there is one place in the world we are especially fond
of, it is Smithfield Market.
We have reason to be fond of it for several reasons.
Eirst of all, there is no place where our comforts are so much studied
as Smithfield Market, and consequently no place where we feel so
comfortable as in that favoured locality.
We are led there by the gentlest of means. Not a blow is resorted
to in order to teach us the way. We are guided only by our own
instincts We feel we are going to some loved spot, where we are
sure to be welcomed, and we are only too anxious to get there.
But once in the market, we are fully repaid for any little trouble we .
may nave experienced in reaching it. Abundance of space invites us nually getting into a knot—or, rather, harl—such as we have just seen
luxurious spots. Not a harsh word is to be heard. Every voice is
tuned by kindness. Our smallest wants are attended to with a quick-
ness and a liberality rarely accorded to strangers. It would seem as if
every drover was a friend who could not do too much to make us happy,
—as if every butcher was some long-lost relation who was determined,
now that he had found us, to share amongst us the wealth and the
affection he had been accumulating in his breast for years. To look
at us, you would imagine we were all members of one large, united,
happy family.
We want for nothing. We have water in abundance to slake our
thirst; we have hay in profusion, to satisfy our morning appetite ;
and we have straw, deeper and softer than any lady's feather bed,
to recline our lazy bodies upon. What can beast need more? In
fact, Smithfield may be called the Capital of the Land of Clover—the
Eden of Animal Existence. The pleasure of reaching it is only exceeded
by the pain of leaving it!
That pain is so acute, that very few of us ever survive it. Yet,
mortal as we all know it to be, none of us ever regret it, or wish to
avoid it. Our death is a sweet one, being softened by the Elysian plea-
sures that surround it. We would sooner die in Smithfield Market
than live anywhere else !
We therefore live in hope that that sweet pleasure may not ne denied
us; and trust that Smithfield will be kept open for many centuries to
come in the very centre of the City of London, in order that we may
be allowed the inappreciable luxury of being slaughtered in the midst of
the comforts with which, as a model Market, it abounds.
And we will ever low, bleat, baa, and squeak, fyc, $-c.
to rest ourselves. Friends are in waiting to point out to us the most
DOWNING STREET COLLEGE.
No time must be lost in establishing a College for Statesmen.
Eor above a week we have seen the Premiership going a-begging.
During all that time—but that Queens do not run—it might be said
that we had Her Majesty running about for a Minister. As it was,
she was reduced to the undignified alternative which the vulgar asso-
ciate with the name of Hobson. She was obliged to throw herself
back on Lord John, after all. Another of his "fathom," if the expres-
sion may be used, " had she not, to lead her business."
There are more doctors among us than there are deaths; more
lawyers than litigants—and perhaps even than rogues ; more parsons
than benefices, some of them puzzled, too, to get any sort of living,
notwithstanding the existence of bishops worth more than a plum—if
worth nothing else. There is probably a surveyor for every acre of
land. The civil engineers may be computed to outnumber the coffee-
mills, and to represent an amount of physical force equivalent to a
considerable portion of the whole steam-power of the country.
And yet the Times calculates—quite correctly, no doubt—that the
empire contains scarcely more than twenty men who are fit to enter a
Cabinet. So, at any rate, the profession of Statesmanship is not over-
crowded. There is "an opening" there, at all events. It is probable
that the Sovereign will soon be driven to advertise, in the journal just
named, "Wanted, an Upper Servant, and a few Subordinates." If she
is, there will be not above a score of persons competent, to answer the
application, out of flunkeydom—nobody able to serve the Crown in any
State capacity, and with any capacity, except as a Lord in Waiting,
Pinchbeck-stick, Nickel-stick, or other menial.
Prince Albert, to his honour, interests himself in the cause of
education. Let His Royal Highness undertake the task of founding
the College for Statesmen, to be called Downing Street College. Be it
the glory of Albert to have provided, for the service of his august
consort, at Downing Street, a choice of gentlemen qualified for some
higher employment than that of cleaning his own Albertonians.
The course of instruction should comprise:—
The rudiments of Logic, including the nature of a simple syllogism.
So much of Moral Philosophy as shall suffice for a perception of the
difference between right and wrong.
Enough of physiology to awaken some slight notion of the influence
which that science should have on sanitary enactments or fiscal measures
affecting the public health, and on criminal legislation.
Colonial History, to the extent of the knowledge possessed by the
generality of commercial schoolboys about the colonies.
Navigation to a corresponding extent; and the principles of Naval
Architecture, in as far as they are commonly understood by an ordinary
tinker.
Law, and especially Chancery Law, in a measure sufficient for the
apprehension of a few of its more glaring abuses and absurdities.
Arithmetic, to a degree of attainment equal to that of an average
apprentice; or adequate to the solution of such a problem as the aajust-
ment of the Income-Tax.
Whether a Downing Street College is instituted or not, politicians
must go to school, somehow or somewhere, or Red Tape will be conti-
it in, having to be cut, because it cannot be untied.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART
WHAT TO DO WITH THE SURPLUS.
iterally, the real
embarrassment of
the Government
has been an em-
barras des rich-
esses; for the chief
difficulty of the
Cabinet has been
what to do with
the surplus? Had
it been a defici-
ency the Ministers
would have been
used to it, for
they would only
have had to fill
up the hole in the
treasury from the
public pocket, but
the surplus seems
to give as much
trouble as the
sewage, for no-
body knows how
to dispose of it.
The first idea, and
a very unhappy
one, of the Chan-
cellor of the
Exchequer, was
to distribute it so very lightly over the country that nobody would
feel it—a principle which, though very judicious in the case of taxation
where there is an unpleasant load to be carried, is the reverse of
politic, where a benefit was to be distributed. Sir C. Wood began
dealing wiih his surplus as a waiter at Vauxhall deals with a ham
—by cutting it into such attenuated slices, that half the recipients
would taste nothing at all, and the few, who might be susceptible of
the flavour, would only have a relish engendered for more, by their
appetites being whetted instead of satisfied.
As the Chancellor of the Exchequer will, probably, look to our
pages in the course of the week for suggestions for his budget, to be
exposed to public view on Eriday, we will favour him with a hint or two,
for which he ought to, and perhaps will, be very much obliged to us.
Instead of making everybody dissatisfied by inviting the whole publie
to stand outside his cook's shop and inhale the vapours emanating from
the good things within, and telling us we ought to be as well satisfied
as if we had made a capital meal, we strongly recommend him to_ give
a hearty good feed to those who want it most, and trust to the patience
of the rest to wait till their turn comes. Let him take off the window
tax at one blow, and if there is anything more to spare, let him devote
it to introducing a principle of something like justice into the imposition
of the income tax. As this arrangement would _ give nothing to our
unfortunate friends the agriculturists, and as it is unpleasant to hear
constantly the melancholy roaring of the British Lion, we would pro-
pose to stop that noble but lugubrious animal's mouth with a lollipop,
in the shape of an equalisation of the poor-rate.
If the Chancellor of the Exchequer would proceed to the per-
formance of the first part of our suggestion, and hold out the promise
proposed in the last, we will guarantee himself and his budget a safe
passage by the Parliamentary Train, and a happy delivery at the
terminus of the session.
THE HUMBLE PETITION OF THE OXEN, COWS,
CALVES, PIGS, AND SHEEP,
driven for sale and slaughter to smithfield market.
Sheweth,
That, if there is one place in the world we are especially fond
of, it is Smithfield Market.
We have reason to be fond of it for several reasons.
Eirst of all, there is no place where our comforts are so much studied
as Smithfield Market, and consequently no place where we feel so
comfortable as in that favoured locality.
We are led there by the gentlest of means. Not a blow is resorted
to in order to teach us the way. We are guided only by our own
instincts We feel we are going to some loved spot, where we are
sure to be welcomed, and we are only too anxious to get there.
But once in the market, we are fully repaid for any little trouble we .
may nave experienced in reaching it. Abundance of space invites us nually getting into a knot—or, rather, harl—such as we have just seen
luxurious spots. Not a harsh word is to be heard. Every voice is
tuned by kindness. Our smallest wants are attended to with a quick-
ness and a liberality rarely accorded to strangers. It would seem as if
every drover was a friend who could not do too much to make us happy,
—as if every butcher was some long-lost relation who was determined,
now that he had found us, to share amongst us the wealth and the
affection he had been accumulating in his breast for years. To look
at us, you would imagine we were all members of one large, united,
happy family.
We want for nothing. We have water in abundance to slake our
thirst; we have hay in profusion, to satisfy our morning appetite ;
and we have straw, deeper and softer than any lady's feather bed,
to recline our lazy bodies upon. What can beast need more? In
fact, Smithfield may be called the Capital of the Land of Clover—the
Eden of Animal Existence. The pleasure of reaching it is only exceeded
by the pain of leaving it!
That pain is so acute, that very few of us ever survive it. Yet,
mortal as we all know it to be, none of us ever regret it, or wish to
avoid it. Our death is a sweet one, being softened by the Elysian plea-
sures that surround it. We would sooner die in Smithfield Market
than live anywhere else !
We therefore live in hope that that sweet pleasure may not ne denied
us; and trust that Smithfield will be kept open for many centuries to
come in the very centre of the City of London, in order that we may
be allowed the inappreciable luxury of being slaughtered in the midst of
the comforts with which, as a model Market, it abounds.
And we will ever low, bleat, baa, and squeak, fyc, $-c.
to rest ourselves. Friends are in waiting to point out to us the most
DOWNING STREET COLLEGE.
No time must be lost in establishing a College for Statesmen.
Eor above a week we have seen the Premiership going a-begging.
During all that time—but that Queens do not run—it might be said
that we had Her Majesty running about for a Minister. As it was,
she was reduced to the undignified alternative which the vulgar asso-
ciate with the name of Hobson. She was obliged to throw herself
back on Lord John, after all. Another of his "fathom," if the expres-
sion may be used, " had she not, to lead her business."
There are more doctors among us than there are deaths; more
lawyers than litigants—and perhaps even than rogues ; more parsons
than benefices, some of them puzzled, too, to get any sort of living,
notwithstanding the existence of bishops worth more than a plum—if
worth nothing else. There is probably a surveyor for every acre of
land. The civil engineers may be computed to outnumber the coffee-
mills, and to represent an amount of physical force equivalent to a
considerable portion of the whole steam-power of the country.
And yet the Times calculates—quite correctly, no doubt—that the
empire contains scarcely more than twenty men who are fit to enter a
Cabinet. So, at any rate, the profession of Statesmanship is not over-
crowded. There is "an opening" there, at all events. It is probable
that the Sovereign will soon be driven to advertise, in the journal just
named, "Wanted, an Upper Servant, and a few Subordinates." If she
is, there will be not above a score of persons competent, to answer the
application, out of flunkeydom—nobody able to serve the Crown in any
State capacity, and with any capacity, except as a Lord in Waiting,
Pinchbeck-stick, Nickel-stick, or other menial.
Prince Albert, to his honour, interests himself in the cause of
education. Let His Royal Highness undertake the task of founding
the College for Statesmen, to be called Downing Street College. Be it
the glory of Albert to have provided, for the service of his august
consort, at Downing Street, a choice of gentlemen qualified for some
higher employment than that of cleaning his own Albertonians.
The course of instruction should comprise:—
The rudiments of Logic, including the nature of a simple syllogism.
So much of Moral Philosophy as shall suffice for a perception of the
difference between right and wrong.
Enough of physiology to awaken some slight notion of the influence
which that science should have on sanitary enactments or fiscal measures
affecting the public health, and on criminal legislation.
Colonial History, to the extent of the knowledge possessed by the
generality of commercial schoolboys about the colonies.
Navigation to a corresponding extent; and the principles of Naval
Architecture, in as far as they are commonly understood by an ordinary
tinker.
Law, and especially Chancery Law, in a measure sufficient for the
apprehension of a few of its more glaring abuses and absurdities.
Arithmetic, to a degree of attainment equal to that of an average
apprentice; or adequate to the solution of such a problem as the aajust-
ment of the Income-Tax.
Whether a Downing Street College is instituted or not, politicians
must go to school, somehow or somewhere, or Red Tape will be conti-
it in, having to be cut, because it cannot be untied.