DOI Heft:
January to June, 1851
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16607#0135
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
127
SUPERIOR PLAN FOR A NEW GOVERNMENT.
has been clearly proved, by recent events,
that, in as far, at least, as the present
system of administration is concerned,
1 here is something rotten in the state of
England. With a constitution so carious,
our national safety must be precarious. It
will be necessary to reform our scheme of
Government altogether, to pull Downing
Street entirely down, and build it up again
in quite a new style.
There is a very strong feeling abroad—
that is, existing in this country—that the
sole object of every Government should be
pecuniary economy: a sentiment which, if
carried out, would alter the arrangement of
Queen, Lords, and Commons, into that of
pounds, shillings, and pence.
Accepting, then, Buonaparte's assertion
that we are a nation of shopkeepers—an
aphorism endorsed by a political firm of some credit at home—suppose
we agree to regard the British Empire as one great shop, and to have
its affairs conducted accordingly.
Instead of a Prime Minister, let us have a foreman. For a
Chancellor of the Exchequer, say that we substitute a cashier. Con-
vert the Home Secretary into a shopwalker. In the places of the
Foreign Secretary and the Lord Chancellor, put confidential clerks,
with the proviso, that the gent who does the foreign business shall be
able to speak French, and the party that occupies the Woolsack shall
iiave served in an attorney's office.
A staff of smart and active commercial travellers might replace our
whole diplomatic corps, and conduct all those negotiations with other
-tates that the public service will require.
The subordinate departments of the Treasury and the other Govern-
neut offices could be filled by a number of civil young men, of good
character, who might be glad of such situations, not being able to find
better behind the counters of any private establishment.
The Navy might be advantageously left to_private speculation, which
would be certain to provide us with a marine amply sufficient for all
mercantile purposes—and we should have no other objects whatever in
view. Thus, we should be enabled to dispense with the Admiralty
altogether, and save all the expense of dock-yards and arsenals.
In like manner, we could quite do away with the War-Office ; and
every sensible person must see that, unless we are to have efficient
national defences, we had better have none at all; for an Army and
Navy which are not strong enough to repel invasion are of no manner
of use, and serve only to irritate foreigners by empty defiance, besides
being productive of unnecessary expense.
An invasion, indeed, would do our shop no harm on the whole ; nay,
it would do us more good than harm in the end. So many troops would
be only so many customers. If their first arrival were attended with some
slight injury to property, we could indemnify ourselves in dealing with
them afterwards. It is not probable that they would maltreat us much,
or insult us very grossly, if we only took care to be attentive ana
obliging to them.
The Government thus constituted would be a firm trading under the
name of Victoria and Co. The Co. of course would be the Commons;
certain other parties would have no share in the concern. However,
the House would be highly respectable, and would include all the
leading members of the cottouarchy and calicocracy. Business would
be done at the lowest figure, and the Bills—it is hoped—would be
reasonable and give every satisfaction.
The Value of Character.
We are afraid that character is rather at a discount just now, nor
can ability be worth much, if we are to judge of the value of both by the
following advertisement cut from a Scotch paper,
^X7ANTED a person to train a Newfoundland Dog. None need apply whose
" * ability and character will not bear the strictest inquiry. Apply" &c, &c.
Character and ability would appear to be going to the do<rs, if the
above_ announcement is any fair criterion of the sort of offices the
qualities in question are likely to command. Talent has often been
sought to conduct the education of a " young puppy," but the animal
has been of a different breed, and the idea of advertising for a man of
" character" and " ability " to bring up a Newfoundland Dog, is,
therefore, a novel one.
THE CONTRIBUTION THAT WILL WIN THE PRIZE.
It is rumoured that Government intends sending to the Crystal
Palace copies of all the measures that have been passed this year as its
contribution to the World's Exhibition of Industry!
H. BAILLIE.
{Being a new Song to an old Tune a
A Premier bold, in Downing Street,
(By no means pleasant quarters,)
Reduced his clique, until they fell
To Whig far-niente, Martyrs;
The House of Commons spited him,
And snubbed him almost daily;
But still of all the troublesomes,
The troublesom'st was Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie 1
This Premier bold tried every dodge
To burke the Ceylon motion,
The evidence, when troublesome,
Was sent across the ocean ;
Sir Emerson to St. Hele-
-na (treatment rather scaly)
Condemned to sail, must take the rail,
And back to town, for Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie !
In vain Ben Hawes (stout in the cause
Of one of " our relations ")
The gov'nor bold strove to uphold
'Gainst Ceylon revelations ;
Showed how wrong men must now and then
Get hung, and proved from Paley,
How folks may write that black is white,
Nor merit blame from Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie 1
One night when on the Treasury Bench
The Premier was reclining,
At that dim hour when all M. P.'s,
Save Treasury Lords, are dining ;
O'er thoughts of Budgets and of Bills,
A-brooding aught but gaily,
From out the motion-paper rose
The awful ghost of Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie !
The motion glum says "Here I come,
To shake you in your places ;"
"That is," replied the Premier bold,
"To shake Great Britain's basis "
Wood dropped his slate, in such a state,
That though the house did rail, he
Swore 'twas in vain to try't again,
While threaten'd thus by Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie I Importunate H. Baillie !
Then said Lord John, " We can't go on,
Our minds to busiuess lending,
While o'er our post this awful ghost
Is hideously impending.
" Do go away-" a wintry smile
Played o'er its visage paly:
" I go," it said, " but I '11 come back,
As sure as my name's Baillie."
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie .
Then let us hope, that to the Pope
Lord John may give a drubbing:
That, Wood may get his budget passed
Without the usual snubbing.
If to Ceylon a Torrington,
In time to come, may sail, he
Will warning rake, nor motions make
For any future Baillie.
Oh, ii. Baillie ! Importunate II. Baillie !
MINISTERIAL MEASURES.
Ministers have not brought forward many Measures this Session;
and bringing forward nothing, it stands to reason they have not been
able to carry much. In fact, the whole business of the present year
may be found collected on the subjoined
TABLE OF MINISTERIAL MEASURES.
40 Members make . . . One Full House.
1 Full House makes . . . One Defeat.
1 Defeat makes..... One Large Minority.
20 Minorities make . . . One Whig Ministry.
1 Whig Ministry makes One regret the death of Sir Robert' Peel I
127
SUPERIOR PLAN FOR A NEW GOVERNMENT.
has been clearly proved, by recent events,
that, in as far, at least, as the present
system of administration is concerned,
1 here is something rotten in the state of
England. With a constitution so carious,
our national safety must be precarious. It
will be necessary to reform our scheme of
Government altogether, to pull Downing
Street entirely down, and build it up again
in quite a new style.
There is a very strong feeling abroad—
that is, existing in this country—that the
sole object of every Government should be
pecuniary economy: a sentiment which, if
carried out, would alter the arrangement of
Queen, Lords, and Commons, into that of
pounds, shillings, and pence.
Accepting, then, Buonaparte's assertion
that we are a nation of shopkeepers—an
aphorism endorsed by a political firm of some credit at home—suppose
we agree to regard the British Empire as one great shop, and to have
its affairs conducted accordingly.
Instead of a Prime Minister, let us have a foreman. For a
Chancellor of the Exchequer, say that we substitute a cashier. Con-
vert the Home Secretary into a shopwalker. In the places of the
Foreign Secretary and the Lord Chancellor, put confidential clerks,
with the proviso, that the gent who does the foreign business shall be
able to speak French, and the party that occupies the Woolsack shall
iiave served in an attorney's office.
A staff of smart and active commercial travellers might replace our
whole diplomatic corps, and conduct all those negotiations with other
-tates that the public service will require.
The subordinate departments of the Treasury and the other Govern-
neut offices could be filled by a number of civil young men, of good
character, who might be glad of such situations, not being able to find
better behind the counters of any private establishment.
The Navy might be advantageously left to_private speculation, which
would be certain to provide us with a marine amply sufficient for all
mercantile purposes—and we should have no other objects whatever in
view. Thus, we should be enabled to dispense with the Admiralty
altogether, and save all the expense of dock-yards and arsenals.
In like manner, we could quite do away with the War-Office ; and
every sensible person must see that, unless we are to have efficient
national defences, we had better have none at all; for an Army and
Navy which are not strong enough to repel invasion are of no manner
of use, and serve only to irritate foreigners by empty defiance, besides
being productive of unnecessary expense.
An invasion, indeed, would do our shop no harm on the whole ; nay,
it would do us more good than harm in the end. So many troops would
be only so many customers. If their first arrival were attended with some
slight injury to property, we could indemnify ourselves in dealing with
them afterwards. It is not probable that they would maltreat us much,
or insult us very grossly, if we only took care to be attentive ana
obliging to them.
The Government thus constituted would be a firm trading under the
name of Victoria and Co. The Co. of course would be the Commons;
certain other parties would have no share in the concern. However,
the House would be highly respectable, and would include all the
leading members of the cottouarchy and calicocracy. Business would
be done at the lowest figure, and the Bills—it is hoped—would be
reasonable and give every satisfaction.
The Value of Character.
We are afraid that character is rather at a discount just now, nor
can ability be worth much, if we are to judge of the value of both by the
following advertisement cut from a Scotch paper,
^X7ANTED a person to train a Newfoundland Dog. None need apply whose
" * ability and character will not bear the strictest inquiry. Apply" &c, &c.
Character and ability would appear to be going to the do<rs, if the
above_ announcement is any fair criterion of the sort of offices the
qualities in question are likely to command. Talent has often been
sought to conduct the education of a " young puppy," but the animal
has been of a different breed, and the idea of advertising for a man of
" character" and " ability " to bring up a Newfoundland Dog, is,
therefore, a novel one.
THE CONTRIBUTION THAT WILL WIN THE PRIZE.
It is rumoured that Government intends sending to the Crystal
Palace copies of all the measures that have been passed this year as its
contribution to the World's Exhibition of Industry!
H. BAILLIE.
{Being a new Song to an old Tune a
A Premier bold, in Downing Street,
(By no means pleasant quarters,)
Reduced his clique, until they fell
To Whig far-niente, Martyrs;
The House of Commons spited him,
And snubbed him almost daily;
But still of all the troublesomes,
The troublesom'st was Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie 1
This Premier bold tried every dodge
To burke the Ceylon motion,
The evidence, when troublesome,
Was sent across the ocean ;
Sir Emerson to St. Hele-
-na (treatment rather scaly)
Condemned to sail, must take the rail,
And back to town, for Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie !
In vain Ben Hawes (stout in the cause
Of one of " our relations ")
The gov'nor bold strove to uphold
'Gainst Ceylon revelations ;
Showed how wrong men must now and then
Get hung, and proved from Paley,
How folks may write that black is white,
Nor merit blame from Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie 1
One night when on the Treasury Bench
The Premier was reclining,
At that dim hour when all M. P.'s,
Save Treasury Lords, are dining ;
O'er thoughts of Budgets and of Bills,
A-brooding aught but gaily,
From out the motion-paper rose
The awful ghost of Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie !
The motion glum says "Here I come,
To shake you in your places ;"
"That is," replied the Premier bold,
"To shake Great Britain's basis "
Wood dropped his slate, in such a state,
That though the house did rail, he
Swore 'twas in vain to try't again,
While threaten'd thus by Baillie.
Oh, H. Baillie I Importunate H. Baillie !
Then said Lord John, " We can't go on,
Our minds to busiuess lending,
While o'er our post this awful ghost
Is hideously impending.
" Do go away-" a wintry smile
Played o'er its visage paly:
" I go," it said, " but I '11 come back,
As sure as my name's Baillie."
Oh, H. Baillie ! Importunate H. Baillie .
Then let us hope, that to the Pope
Lord John may give a drubbing:
That, Wood may get his budget passed
Without the usual snubbing.
If to Ceylon a Torrington,
In time to come, may sail, he
Will warning rake, nor motions make
For any future Baillie.
Oh, ii. Baillie ! Importunate II. Baillie !
MINISTERIAL MEASURES.
Ministers have not brought forward many Measures this Session;
and bringing forward nothing, it stands to reason they have not been
able to carry much. In fact, the whole business of the present year
may be found collected on the subjoined
TABLE OF MINISTERIAL MEASURES.
40 Members make . . . One Full House.
1 Full House makes . . . One Defeat.
1 Defeat makes..... One Large Minority.
20 Minorities make . . . One Whig Ministry.
1 Whig Ministry makes One regret the death of Sir Robert' Peel I