DOI Heft:
January to June, 1851
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16607#0212
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205
FINE CLAIMS FOR CONVENTS.
To the Lady Teresa Arundell.
OUR ASYLUM EOR HOUSELESS JOKES.
The Great Exhibition has turned loose on the town so many unfor-
Mt Dear Lady, tunate puns, jokes, riddles, epigrams, and other members of the same
You wrote a letter to the Times last week, very pathetically
deprecating something extremely dreadful, which, you appear to have
imagined, was meditated by Parliament, or certain persons therein,
family, that immense numbers of them are now in the greatest state of
destitution, unable to find a reception in any of the periodicals, which
are in the habit of generously opening their columns to this vast and
mirth%y the most barefaced—we had almost said, indecent—perversions
of the Queen's English.
Under these circumstances, feeling anxious that these unhappy
disgraces of English society should be withdrawn from the observation
of foreigners, we have opened a " Central Asylum for Destitute Jokes,"
at_ which puns and other plays-upon-words, however threadbare and
miserable, are taken in at all hours. It is impossible to describe the
wretched cases that have already applied for the shelter of our columns.
We take the liberty (in the hope of inducing their cruel parents to
reflect on the fate of the hapless offspring they are thus flinging reck-
lessly on the world) of subjoining a few of the most melancholy cases
which have availed themselves of the benefits of our Institution.
Case 1. (Called itself a Conundrum, and bore its abject poverty with
a sort of jauntiness that was peculiarly saddening.)
" Why is a dandy riding in Rotten Row, like a gallant admiral
" Because he 's a Hyde Park-er."
(This poor thing had tried every access to public compassion, and did
not apply at our asylum till it had been brutally turned away every-
against the inmates of nunneries. Your ladyship spoke of them as in increasing family of outcasts, about this time. Always a large and
danger of "the grossest insults," and alluded to certain "mostun- wretched class, they were never so numerous and so wretched as
manly attempts now being made to deprive them of a security which this year.
even the meanest women slaves have secured to them:" to persons ; They may be found wandering about the Park, in the neighbourhood
who "cruelly insult and calumniate them:" to "members" who ; of the Crystal Palace, notwithstanding the inclemency of the weather;
"treat with insult" your "sisters and daughters:" and altogether and it is impossible to visit the Exposition without running the gauntlet
your language almost indicates an apprehension that English nuns are | through troops of them; callous to shame, and attempting to excite
about to be treated like the nuns of Minsk.
Let me, my dear Lady, assure you that nothing is farther from our
intention—the intention of a Protestant Parliament, and people, and
Punch—than to offer any the slightest insult or indignity to tnose whose
imaginary cause you plead so eloquently. Nay, rather, it is to protect
them from indignity and insult, and worse, that we intend and desire.
Think you that we regard them with contempt or derision ? What!
when one of the most famous lines of our greatest modern poet is
" The holy time is quiet as a nun."
Earnest religious enthusiasm—even though we may believe it erro-
neous—is no laughing matter with us, good lady—albeit there is a mere
mania of medisevalism, which Punch does laugh at, he must confess.
We do not deride—though we may pity—the Hindoo widow whose
" heroic " devotion renders her the heroine of Suttee.
lou talk of sisters and daughters. My lad)', we have sisters and
daughters as well as you. It is precisely on their account that we
would legislate on the subject of nunneries. Some of them, it is pos-
sible—we are not fearful on behalf of our boys—may be wrested from
us by those legions of your ecclesiastics who are compassing sea andl! wrere^vTnlrrom the'office 0} th7Mo7ninff HeTald!)
land to make one proselyte. We should like to know what becomes 01
them in the event of their being induced—may I venture to say
inveigled ?—to " take the veil." Do you, my dear lady, expect us to be
satisfied with the assurance that they are in the hands of a "Lady
Superior," subject, perhaps, to the supervision of a so-called "Bishop"
of Clifton ?
If you do, it is, I was going to say, neither more nor less than expect-
ing us to believe in your Church. But it is more than that. It is
expecting us to believe in all and sundry Ladies Superior, and all
Bishops of Clifton or anywhere else—holding their mitres of the Pope.
Was there never a bad Abbess—never an Episcopal rogue ? I do not
wish to use vulgar phraseology in addressing any lady—especially one
of birth and title; but really I must ask your ladyship—is not this
coming it a little too strong ?
And then, I am not inclined to dispute that the majority of nuns are,
as your ladyship calls t hem, " angelic;" that is, in their lives and affec-
tions. _ But have there never been any disorderly convents ? Are all
societies of religious Roman Catholic females impeccable ? Even if
I believed the Church of Rome to be infallible, would it follow that I
should be forced to put my trust in all and every one of its friars, nuns,
priests and prelates ?
Not so, my dear lady. Among them, doubtless, there are many,
very many, good men and women. They include, also, opposite charac-
ters. And we have a right to be on our guard against those ominous-
eyed, shaven-faced, lantern-jawed, lean gentlemen, or gentlemen with
protuberant stomachs and large calves, looking equally ominous, who
perambulate our streets, in black long-clothes, scowling to the right
and left. And we are justified in endeavouring to guard our families
against the encroachments of monasticism; and to provide against
Eossible tyranny, cruelty, and immorality in establishments, which,
owever " angelic" for the most part, have been, in some instances,
known to be the reverse. I hope your ladyship will take kindly—as it
is meant—and ponder discreetly, this humble remonstrance from your
ladyship's obedient servant, PJSjJCI^.
Case 2. (Belonging to the same family as the former.)
" Why is the Crystal Palace like a dog-fight ?
" Because it ought to be put down, as a paneful and disgusting
Exhibition."
(This misguided riddle, which was picked up by a policeman on the
steps of the Morning Post Office, brought a letter of introduction from
Colonel Sibthorp, in which the gallant Colonel stated his intention of
bringing it before the House of Commons, as a case of unmerited ill-
treatment.)
Case 3. (Called itself an Epigram.)
" Bulwer to Bull.
" If Bull were Bulwer, native industry he'd protect.
" Bull to Bulwer.
" If Bulwer Bull were, Protection he'd reject."
(Surely wretchedness like this needs no comment.)
Case 4 (Applied for shelter under the obviously false name of "A
Witty Answer.")
Lord John, breakfasting the other day at Bf„ookes', was asked if
he would take some reindeer's tongue. " No, thank you," was the
ready rejoinder; "I find Roebuck's tongue quite as much as I can
manage."
(We were obliged, at the unanimous request of the other inmates
of this same ward, to turn this miserable example of misdirected levity
into the streets immediately.)
Case 5. (This impostor presented itself for admission under the dis-
guise of a friendly letter):—
" My dear Punch,
" Who is the biggest rogue in London ?—Give it up P
" The Nave in the Crystal Palace."
(We refrain, out of a feeling for the family, from giving the name ol
the parent of this.)
No Accounting for Tastes.: We ^ Qot saddf?n Qur readers> or shame the parents 0f these
Our eye was caught by an advertisement in the Times of Wednesday j abortions, by proceeding further with our catalogue; but, if this meets
last, recommending a middle-aged person, " willing to superintend the the eye of any thoughtless person, who has at times felt the temptation
domestic concerns, where no cooking is required." We gave an in.
voluntary shudder, at the bare idea of any family in which cooking is
dispensed with; for there is something revolting in the notion of a
domestic circle feeding upon raw meat, or other specimens of the raw
material. The middle-aged person who wishes to find a home where there
is no cooking, had better apply to the family of the Showman, we have
sometimes been disgusted at in continental fairs, where the lady of the
establishment dines upon a live fowl, feathers and all, or makes a luncheon
from some disgusting material hanging uncooked at the doorpost.
Character op an Habitual Sot. — He was a man of no deter-
mination—except to the head.
to make a pun, we trust that this list may act, anyhow, as a warning
not to go and do likewise.
Cake and Ice Market.
Crystal Palace, May 8.—To-day there was a lively demand for
ices and cakes. Ices {vanilla) to unsuspicious persons went oif, without
a word, at a shilling each; of the more knowing, for the same articles,
no more than sixpence was demanded. Some young ladies bought slices
of cake readily at 2>d.; whilst cautious dowagers had the like slices at
precisely one penny under. The sellers (young women with most
innocent eyes) looked up, naturally enough, as the market rose.
Vol. 20.
7—2
FINE CLAIMS FOR CONVENTS.
To the Lady Teresa Arundell.
OUR ASYLUM EOR HOUSELESS JOKES.
The Great Exhibition has turned loose on the town so many unfor-
Mt Dear Lady, tunate puns, jokes, riddles, epigrams, and other members of the same
You wrote a letter to the Times last week, very pathetically
deprecating something extremely dreadful, which, you appear to have
imagined, was meditated by Parliament, or certain persons therein,
family, that immense numbers of them are now in the greatest state of
destitution, unable to find a reception in any of the periodicals, which
are in the habit of generously opening their columns to this vast and
mirth%y the most barefaced—we had almost said, indecent—perversions
of the Queen's English.
Under these circumstances, feeling anxious that these unhappy
disgraces of English society should be withdrawn from the observation
of foreigners, we have opened a " Central Asylum for Destitute Jokes,"
at_ which puns and other plays-upon-words, however threadbare and
miserable, are taken in at all hours. It is impossible to describe the
wretched cases that have already applied for the shelter of our columns.
We take the liberty (in the hope of inducing their cruel parents to
reflect on the fate of the hapless offspring they are thus flinging reck-
lessly on the world) of subjoining a few of the most melancholy cases
which have availed themselves of the benefits of our Institution.
Case 1. (Called itself a Conundrum, and bore its abject poverty with
a sort of jauntiness that was peculiarly saddening.)
" Why is a dandy riding in Rotten Row, like a gallant admiral
" Because he 's a Hyde Park-er."
(This poor thing had tried every access to public compassion, and did
not apply at our asylum till it had been brutally turned away every-
against the inmates of nunneries. Your ladyship spoke of them as in increasing family of outcasts, about this time. Always a large and
danger of "the grossest insults," and alluded to certain "mostun- wretched class, they were never so numerous and so wretched as
manly attempts now being made to deprive them of a security which this year.
even the meanest women slaves have secured to them:" to persons ; They may be found wandering about the Park, in the neighbourhood
who "cruelly insult and calumniate them:" to "members" who ; of the Crystal Palace, notwithstanding the inclemency of the weather;
"treat with insult" your "sisters and daughters:" and altogether and it is impossible to visit the Exposition without running the gauntlet
your language almost indicates an apprehension that English nuns are | through troops of them; callous to shame, and attempting to excite
about to be treated like the nuns of Minsk.
Let me, my dear Lady, assure you that nothing is farther from our
intention—the intention of a Protestant Parliament, and people, and
Punch—than to offer any the slightest insult or indignity to tnose whose
imaginary cause you plead so eloquently. Nay, rather, it is to protect
them from indignity and insult, and worse, that we intend and desire.
Think you that we regard them with contempt or derision ? What!
when one of the most famous lines of our greatest modern poet is
" The holy time is quiet as a nun."
Earnest religious enthusiasm—even though we may believe it erro-
neous—is no laughing matter with us, good lady—albeit there is a mere
mania of medisevalism, which Punch does laugh at, he must confess.
We do not deride—though we may pity—the Hindoo widow whose
" heroic " devotion renders her the heroine of Suttee.
lou talk of sisters and daughters. My lad)', we have sisters and
daughters as well as you. It is precisely on their account that we
would legislate on the subject of nunneries. Some of them, it is pos-
sible—we are not fearful on behalf of our boys—may be wrested from
us by those legions of your ecclesiastics who are compassing sea andl! wrere^vTnlrrom the'office 0} th7Mo7ninff HeTald!)
land to make one proselyte. We should like to know what becomes 01
them in the event of their being induced—may I venture to say
inveigled ?—to " take the veil." Do you, my dear lady, expect us to be
satisfied with the assurance that they are in the hands of a "Lady
Superior," subject, perhaps, to the supervision of a so-called "Bishop"
of Clifton ?
If you do, it is, I was going to say, neither more nor less than expect-
ing us to believe in your Church. But it is more than that. It is
expecting us to believe in all and sundry Ladies Superior, and all
Bishops of Clifton or anywhere else—holding their mitres of the Pope.
Was there never a bad Abbess—never an Episcopal rogue ? I do not
wish to use vulgar phraseology in addressing any lady—especially one
of birth and title; but really I must ask your ladyship—is not this
coming it a little too strong ?
And then, I am not inclined to dispute that the majority of nuns are,
as your ladyship calls t hem, " angelic;" that is, in their lives and affec-
tions. _ But have there never been any disorderly convents ? Are all
societies of religious Roman Catholic females impeccable ? Even if
I believed the Church of Rome to be infallible, would it follow that I
should be forced to put my trust in all and every one of its friars, nuns,
priests and prelates ?
Not so, my dear lady. Among them, doubtless, there are many,
very many, good men and women. They include, also, opposite charac-
ters. And we have a right to be on our guard against those ominous-
eyed, shaven-faced, lantern-jawed, lean gentlemen, or gentlemen with
protuberant stomachs and large calves, looking equally ominous, who
perambulate our streets, in black long-clothes, scowling to the right
and left. And we are justified in endeavouring to guard our families
against the encroachments of monasticism; and to provide against
Eossible tyranny, cruelty, and immorality in establishments, which,
owever " angelic" for the most part, have been, in some instances,
known to be the reverse. I hope your ladyship will take kindly—as it
is meant—and ponder discreetly, this humble remonstrance from your
ladyship's obedient servant, PJSjJCI^.
Case 2. (Belonging to the same family as the former.)
" Why is the Crystal Palace like a dog-fight ?
" Because it ought to be put down, as a paneful and disgusting
Exhibition."
(This misguided riddle, which was picked up by a policeman on the
steps of the Morning Post Office, brought a letter of introduction from
Colonel Sibthorp, in which the gallant Colonel stated his intention of
bringing it before the House of Commons, as a case of unmerited ill-
treatment.)
Case 3. (Called itself an Epigram.)
" Bulwer to Bull.
" If Bull were Bulwer, native industry he'd protect.
" Bull to Bulwer.
" If Bulwer Bull were, Protection he'd reject."
(Surely wretchedness like this needs no comment.)
Case 4 (Applied for shelter under the obviously false name of "A
Witty Answer.")
Lord John, breakfasting the other day at Bf„ookes', was asked if
he would take some reindeer's tongue. " No, thank you," was the
ready rejoinder; "I find Roebuck's tongue quite as much as I can
manage."
(We were obliged, at the unanimous request of the other inmates
of this same ward, to turn this miserable example of misdirected levity
into the streets immediately.)
Case 5. (This impostor presented itself for admission under the dis-
guise of a friendly letter):—
" My dear Punch,
" Who is the biggest rogue in London ?—Give it up P
" The Nave in the Crystal Palace."
(We refrain, out of a feeling for the family, from giving the name ol
the parent of this.)
No Accounting for Tastes.: We ^ Qot saddf?n Qur readers> or shame the parents 0f these
Our eye was caught by an advertisement in the Times of Wednesday j abortions, by proceeding further with our catalogue; but, if this meets
last, recommending a middle-aged person, " willing to superintend the the eye of any thoughtless person, who has at times felt the temptation
domestic concerns, where no cooking is required." We gave an in.
voluntary shudder, at the bare idea of any family in which cooking is
dispensed with; for there is something revolting in the notion of a
domestic circle feeding upon raw meat, or other specimens of the raw
material. The middle-aged person who wishes to find a home where there
is no cooking, had better apply to the family of the Showman, we have
sometimes been disgusted at in continental fairs, where the lady of the
establishment dines upon a live fowl, feathers and all, or makes a luncheon
from some disgusting material hanging uncooked at the doorpost.
Character op an Habitual Sot. — He was a man of no deter-
mination—except to the head.
to make a pun, we trust that this list may act, anyhow, as a warning
not to go and do likewise.
Cake and Ice Market.
Crystal Palace, May 8.—To-day there was a lively demand for
ices and cakes. Ices {vanilla) to unsuspicious persons went oif, without
a word, at a shilling each; of the more knowing, for the same articles,
no more than sixpence was demanded. Some young ladies bought slices
of cake readily at 2>d.; whilst cautious dowagers had the like slices at
precisely one penny under. The sellers (young women with most
innocent eyes) looked up, naturally enough, as the market rose.
Vol. 20.
7—2