DOI Heft:
July to December, 1851
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16608#0097
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
85
CABINET HOURS OF IDLENESS.
{From the Woods and Forests to the Eight Hon.---.)
"My Dear-,— Yes, I am glad to be upon the Moors. Anywhere but in the Woods
and Forests, where, but for my happy constitution, and for the rigid observance of that golden
maxim of my own—' never to do anything until compelled, and then to do as little as possible'
—I might have been worn, worried, badgered to death, like any vermin of the underwood.
But, no. I have cultivated true official indifference. Nothing hurts me. I am the alligator
without the soft place in the alligator's stomach.
" We have had an infernal Session of it. Nevertheless, my genius kept me fresh as a two-
year-old. My dear Boy, should you ever arrive at office, make yourself detested: 'tis the
only way to ensure comfort. There's a sweet asylum in public dislike. For instance, how
rarely was I bothered with those stupid formalities, called deputations; things that mean
nothing more—that have no other purpose—than to put the names of certain traders and
shopkeepers in the Court Circular,—names that ought never to be seen, except over their own
shop-doors. They came pretty thick upon me, when I first took office; but after a few
tastes of my quality, a deputation would as soon "enter the bear's pit at the Zoological
Gardens, as show its nose in my office. I have been called the ugliest names, and made
happy—quite delighted, I assure you—by the abuse. When in office, get well abused; the
elephant delights to roll in mud—it keeps the flies from his skin. A Minister may take
lessons of the half-reasoning elephant.
what is one man's meat is another man's poison.
AWdl. " I WONDER WHAT THOSE FELLOWS CAN SEE TO ADMIRE IN THAT WhaT-DO-YE-CALL-IT ? "
"The Crystal Palace has been a great bore; and I suppose will become one of the
established bores, that is, institutions, of the country. I am told they 're going to grow bread-
trees there, in case of war, to keep us independent of the foreigner. I believe—at least I'm
told—that Baron Humboldt writes something about Cotton-Shirt Trees. Couldn't Paxton
give us a plantation of 'em, just to spite the school of Manchester?
"You must have heard of the hubbub about Kensington Gardens. What a capital joke!
The nurserymaids were to be ridden over by park hacks, and a daily murder of the innocents
under the hoofs of mounted grooms and outriders. Wny, there has not been so much as
one old woman killed—no; I believe I am right—not that it much matters—when I say,
not oue. And then the joke of interfering with the meditations of young ladies ! But I
think 1 met that with a facer.
"Talking of old women, who would live under a constitution—if he hadn't the pluck to
snap his fingers at it—where any old harridan, properly represented by a Member of Parlia-
ment, may get up in the House of Commons, and call a nobleman to account, as if a
nobleman had anything to do, except to fold his arms, suck his teeth, and give no answer ?
" There was a woman named Ann Fix, or Dicks, or Hicks—or some pigstye name of that
sort—who sold Serpentine water (I suppose mud and sticklebacks included) to pale young
ladies. L believe, too, the old hag dealt in ginger-beer—yes, I believe that's the sort of
stuff; workhouse champagne, isn't it ?—yes, ginger-beer—and, 'pon my life, too, I think the
creature had cakes, and oranges, and things of that sort, for halfpence. Well, we turned
her out. Eye-sore—nuisance—low women—place
of rendezvous—and all that. Yes, we puLed her
down and unroofed her, and told 'her to pack.
"And what then? Why, of course, the old
hag went to a police-office, and the vagabond
scribblers that haunt those places— like flies that,
I'm told, haunt butchers' shops—made a pa-
thetic, lack-a-daisical case of the matter; and—
fools and their money soon parted,—'here were
subscriptions for this Ann Hicks. 5s. from a
True Republican—Is. 6d. from Junius Bru'sus
—a dozen Postage Stamps from a Hater of
Tyranny, and so forth.
"And then there was an Ann Hicks debate!
Yes ; Mother Hicks—an old blue-Dottle in amber
—is preserved in Hansard.
" However, the Session is over, and the birds
are remarkably strong on the wing.
" I might have been preciously bothered, but
for my old state maxim—my own ; though quite
at the service of my friends, ' Never do anything
until compelled, and then do as little as possible.'
" It is an observance of this golden law that
makes me, at the end of the Session of 1851,
"Yours, in contemptuous health _
*' And most Arrogant Spirits,
Red-Box Moors. " Woods and Forests."
USE THEM AS YE MAY !
RAILWAY SONG AND CHORUS.
Air—" The Chough and Crow."
CHAIRMAN.
The old Stage Coach to rot has gone,
Together with the Mail; _
Conveyance, now, the Public's none,
Unless they go by rail:
The grass grows on the turnpike-road;
Our own's the only way.
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men,
And use them as ye may.
Chorus of Directors.
Uprouse ye then, my merry, merry men,
For now's your time of day.
The crowded train the station leaves:
Another went before,
Stuffed full of people, thick as thieves,
To swell out good men's store.
A few short minutes 'twixt the two
Is all the time we stay.
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men,
And use them as ye may.
Chorus.—Uprouse ye then, &c.
With scream and whistle on they go,
The second class is cramm'd ;
No matter, let the overflow
Be in the first class jamm'd !
Gents on their knees can ladies take,
And so complain away !
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men.
And use them as ye may.
Chorus.—Uprouse ye then, &c.
See, yonder engine's off the line !
The hind-train thunders on ;
And, crash ! right down yon steep incline,
Into the first has gone !
The crush'd and shatter'd wretches scream;
No matter—since they pay.
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men,
And use them as ye may.
Chorus.—Uprouse ye then, &c.
We 've some six months before us yet,
However Time may fly ;
At least, till Parliament has met,
Opinion we'll defy.
Till then our sun will brightly shine,
And we '11 meanwhile make hay.
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men.
And use them as ye may.
Chorus.—Uprouse ye then, &c.
85
CABINET HOURS OF IDLENESS.
{From the Woods and Forests to the Eight Hon.---.)
"My Dear-,— Yes, I am glad to be upon the Moors. Anywhere but in the Woods
and Forests, where, but for my happy constitution, and for the rigid observance of that golden
maxim of my own—' never to do anything until compelled, and then to do as little as possible'
—I might have been worn, worried, badgered to death, like any vermin of the underwood.
But, no. I have cultivated true official indifference. Nothing hurts me. I am the alligator
without the soft place in the alligator's stomach.
" We have had an infernal Session of it. Nevertheless, my genius kept me fresh as a two-
year-old. My dear Boy, should you ever arrive at office, make yourself detested: 'tis the
only way to ensure comfort. There's a sweet asylum in public dislike. For instance, how
rarely was I bothered with those stupid formalities, called deputations; things that mean
nothing more—that have no other purpose—than to put the names of certain traders and
shopkeepers in the Court Circular,—names that ought never to be seen, except over their own
shop-doors. They came pretty thick upon me, when I first took office; but after a few
tastes of my quality, a deputation would as soon "enter the bear's pit at the Zoological
Gardens, as show its nose in my office. I have been called the ugliest names, and made
happy—quite delighted, I assure you—by the abuse. When in office, get well abused; the
elephant delights to roll in mud—it keeps the flies from his skin. A Minister may take
lessons of the half-reasoning elephant.
what is one man's meat is another man's poison.
AWdl. " I WONDER WHAT THOSE FELLOWS CAN SEE TO ADMIRE IN THAT WhaT-DO-YE-CALL-IT ? "
"The Crystal Palace has been a great bore; and I suppose will become one of the
established bores, that is, institutions, of the country. I am told they 're going to grow bread-
trees there, in case of war, to keep us independent of the foreigner. I believe—at least I'm
told—that Baron Humboldt writes something about Cotton-Shirt Trees. Couldn't Paxton
give us a plantation of 'em, just to spite the school of Manchester?
"You must have heard of the hubbub about Kensington Gardens. What a capital joke!
The nurserymaids were to be ridden over by park hacks, and a daily murder of the innocents
under the hoofs of mounted grooms and outriders. Wny, there has not been so much as
one old woman killed—no; I believe I am right—not that it much matters—when I say,
not oue. And then the joke of interfering with the meditations of young ladies ! But I
think 1 met that with a facer.
"Talking of old women, who would live under a constitution—if he hadn't the pluck to
snap his fingers at it—where any old harridan, properly represented by a Member of Parlia-
ment, may get up in the House of Commons, and call a nobleman to account, as if a
nobleman had anything to do, except to fold his arms, suck his teeth, and give no answer ?
" There was a woman named Ann Fix, or Dicks, or Hicks—or some pigstye name of that
sort—who sold Serpentine water (I suppose mud and sticklebacks included) to pale young
ladies. L believe, too, the old hag dealt in ginger-beer—yes, I believe that's the sort of
stuff; workhouse champagne, isn't it ?—yes, ginger-beer—and, 'pon my life, too, I think the
creature had cakes, and oranges, and things of that sort, for halfpence. Well, we turned
her out. Eye-sore—nuisance—low women—place
of rendezvous—and all that. Yes, we puLed her
down and unroofed her, and told 'her to pack.
"And what then? Why, of course, the old
hag went to a police-office, and the vagabond
scribblers that haunt those places— like flies that,
I'm told, haunt butchers' shops—made a pa-
thetic, lack-a-daisical case of the matter; and—
fools and their money soon parted,—'here were
subscriptions for this Ann Hicks. 5s. from a
True Republican—Is. 6d. from Junius Bru'sus
—a dozen Postage Stamps from a Hater of
Tyranny, and so forth.
"And then there was an Ann Hicks debate!
Yes ; Mother Hicks—an old blue-Dottle in amber
—is preserved in Hansard.
" However, the Session is over, and the birds
are remarkably strong on the wing.
" I might have been preciously bothered, but
for my old state maxim—my own ; though quite
at the service of my friends, ' Never do anything
until compelled, and then do as little as possible.'
" It is an observance of this golden law that
makes me, at the end of the Session of 1851,
"Yours, in contemptuous health _
*' And most Arrogant Spirits,
Red-Box Moors. " Woods and Forests."
USE THEM AS YE MAY !
RAILWAY SONG AND CHORUS.
Air—" The Chough and Crow."
CHAIRMAN.
The old Stage Coach to rot has gone,
Together with the Mail; _
Conveyance, now, the Public's none,
Unless they go by rail:
The grass grows on the turnpike-road;
Our own's the only way.
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men,
And use them as ye may.
Chorus of Directors.
Uprouse ye then, my merry, merry men,
For now's your time of day.
The crowded train the station leaves:
Another went before,
Stuffed full of people, thick as thieves,
To swell out good men's store.
A few short minutes 'twixt the two
Is all the time we stay.
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men,
And use them as ye may.
Chorus.—Uprouse ye then, &c.
With scream and whistle on they go,
The second class is cramm'd ;
No matter, let the overflow
Be in the first class jamm'd !
Gents on their knees can ladies take,
And so complain away !
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men.
And use them as ye may.
Chorus.—Uprouse ye then, &c.
See, yonder engine's off the line !
The hind-train thunders on ;
And, crash ! right down yon steep incline,
Into the first has gone !
The crush'd and shatter'd wretches scream;
No matter—since they pay.
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men,
And use them as ye may.
Chorus.—Uprouse ye then, &c.
We 've some six months before us yet,
However Time may fly ;
At least, till Parliament has met,
Opinion we'll defy.
Till then our sun will brightly shine,
And we '11 meanwhile make hay.
Uprouse ye then, my merry Railway men.
And use them as ye may.
Chorus.—Uprouse ye then, &c.