DOI issue:
July to December, 1851
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16608#0199
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
187
EDUCATION IN THE ARMY. j THE SKY-BLUE SONG.
Suggested \by Alfbed Tennyson's Bugle Song in " The Princess."
UN C H is
happy to hear
that the sys-
tem of edu-
cating the
Army an-
swers, ex-
ceedingly well, and
that the candidates
answer so well the
questions proposed
to them, that it is
in contemplation to
submit to the grow-
ing intellects of the
rising military gene-
ration something of
a more difficult na-
ture than has yet
been offered.
Their advance in
tables has been so
rapid that those who
used once to under-
stand nothing be-
yond the billiard
table and the mess
table, have their
minds now furnished
with half - a - dozen
tables besides, in-
cluding the multiplication table, the interest table, and a quantity of
other tables, the leaves of which have been furnished from the books
of the best authorities.
The following are a few suggestions thrown out for the benefit of
those who are entrusted with the delicate task of teaching the young
military idea to do something more than shoot, which was formeily his
sole accomplishment.
If fourteen pounds make one stone, how many stones will make one
stone wall ?
If five yards and a half make a Pole, what is the height of a Hun-
garian ?
Test with two birds the accuracy of the arithmetical propositions, that
thirty and a quarter square yards will make one perch, and that two
gallons will make one peck.
If tuere are sixteen nails in one yard, how is it that there ought
never to be more than five nails in a foot ?
If a certain number of hogsheads make a pipe, is it possible, with any
quantity of bird's eye, to make a cigar ?
If the earth takes twenty-four hours to get round the sun, how many
hours will it take for a son to get round an angry father ?
Reduce pounds to shillings, by billiards, brandy-and-water, and
cigars.
It fifty-four gallons make one hogshead, how much pig-headedness
will be necessary to make one butt ? »
If twelve dozen make a gross, how many dozen make a publican's
score P
If seventy-two words are required in common law to make a sheet,
now is it that one word will sometimes make a wet blanket, when a
favour is being asked ?
If four journeymen dyers earn three pounds a day by dyeing, and
spend it all, what does it cost each man to live ?
SERMONS IN (BRIGHTON) STONES.
One of the female and puerile amusements of Brighton is the picking
up ot pebbles on the beach, and cheating oneself, or being cheated by
local lapidaries, into the belief that the stones are, to a certain extent,
preciOBB, and that they are worth the expense of polishing.
A lady, or a child, turns up a round pebble, and runs with it to the
lapidary who proclaims it to be a fine emerald, and sends home in the
course of the day a piece of green glass similar in size to the stone that
had been left with him. Superstition seems to have as many heads as the
Hydra,; for, though there has long since been an end to the old notion
that London is paved with gold, the kindred idea that the Brighton
snore is paved with precious stones seems to be still prevalent. As the
Brighton season is now on, we may intimate to the female collectors
that, as all that glitters is not gold," so all that the lapidaries are
prepared to cut, polish, and charge for, are not jewels.
The Milkman calls at the outer walls,
And many a maid from upper story
Comes down the stairs in the dress she wears,
In all her afternoon-tide glory.
" Oh, milk below! " sets the wild echoes flying,
" Oh, milk below!" crying, crying, crying.
Ah me, oh dear, how thin and clear,
Thinner and clearer daily growing !
I almost deem that I hear the stream
Of water into the milk-can flowing.
" Oh, milk below!" I'm surely never buying,
" Oh, milk below!" lying, lying, lying!
Oh, that is the hue of the pale sky-blue,
That's made from cistern, pump, or river;
No cow in a field such stuff would yield,
The sight of it makes me shiver, shiver.
" Oh, milk below! " thus I send it flying-
Go, Milkman, go! lying, lying, lying !
KOSSUTH AT SOUTHAMPTON.
(By our own Reporter.)
Your own reporter ought to be at least one of a thousand. Your
humble servant is one of two or three thousand, who in genteel language
may perhaps be called a mob, that followed Kossuth up the High Street
of Southampton.
When I say I followed Kossuth, I mean I followed Kossuth's
carriage. When I say I followed Kossuth's carriage, I mean I followed
the Mayor of Southampton's carriage, which con'ained the Mayor,
several other gentlemen, and Kossuth. And when I say I followed
the Mayor of Southampton's carriage, I mean I followed the last of
three post-chaises which followed in the wake of the Mayor's carriage,
if the carriage of his Worship the Mayor, or any other carriage, can be
said to have a wake.
Followed only by the post-chaises and the people, Kossuth may be
said to have cut rather a mean and shabby figure in his progress up the
High Street. No splendid line of vehicles, driven by liveried coach-
men, filled with rank and beauty, and adorned with scutcheons, formed
his train. Their place was supplied simply by an enthusiastic multi-
tude, whose vociferous cheers, and the waving of handkerchiefs
from every window, constituted the only welcome of the Hungarian
chieftain.
A considerable number of persons assembled to witness the present-
ation of the banner, and the addresses to Kossuth, in the Town Hall.
But it is a mistake to suppose that these comprised the entire popula-
tion of Southampton and the neighbourhood, as many as two or three
retired Admirals and half-pay officers stood aloof from the proceedings,
and denounced them with imprecations.
In acknowledgment of the honours paid him by the corporation and
the inhabitants, Kossuth made a speech, which candour compels me
to admit was decidedly eloquent, and replete with feeling that may
be described as noble and generous: but his warmest admirers must
confess that it was disfigured by a slightly foreign accent. It is true
that he did not express any Red Republican, Socialist, or Communist
sentiments, nor did he violently abuse even his enemies; but he elicited
a strong expression of disgust and detestation against the Emperor
of Austria, the more remarkable because it was accompanied by
manifestations of the most fervent loyalty towards the Queen of
Great Britain !
I cannot conscientiously say that Kossuth looks like a humbug ^in-
deed, his countenance ana bearing impress me with an idea that he is a
fine, noble fellow ; but you know that appearances are fallacious. Nor
has he, as yet, done anything ridiculous; but a foreigner, who appears
to be connected with him, is going about here in a beard, and a frock
braided with red, looking like a fireman waterman. This man is unques-
tionably melodramatic; and Kossuth himself could not deny that he is
a supernumerary.
In spite of the alleged popularity of the Magyar leader, I can assure
you that I have heard no less than two respectable persons condemn
him as a rebel, and I am credibly informed that one young gentleman
has pronounced that he ought to be hanged.
The Kossuth banquet will have taken place before you can print
this. It will be an awful waste, both of sympathy and victuals;
for his Worship the Mayor? under whose auspices it is got up, is
notorious for going the entire animal, not only in liberalism, but in
liberality.
187
EDUCATION IN THE ARMY. j THE SKY-BLUE SONG.
Suggested \by Alfbed Tennyson's Bugle Song in " The Princess."
UN C H is
happy to hear
that the sys-
tem of edu-
cating the
Army an-
swers, ex-
ceedingly well, and
that the candidates
answer so well the
questions proposed
to them, that it is
in contemplation to
submit to the grow-
ing intellects of the
rising military gene-
ration something of
a more difficult na-
ture than has yet
been offered.
Their advance in
tables has been so
rapid that those who
used once to under-
stand nothing be-
yond the billiard
table and the mess
table, have their
minds now furnished
with half - a - dozen
tables besides, in-
cluding the multiplication table, the interest table, and a quantity of
other tables, the leaves of which have been furnished from the books
of the best authorities.
The following are a few suggestions thrown out for the benefit of
those who are entrusted with the delicate task of teaching the young
military idea to do something more than shoot, which was formeily his
sole accomplishment.
If fourteen pounds make one stone, how many stones will make one
stone wall ?
If five yards and a half make a Pole, what is the height of a Hun-
garian ?
Test with two birds the accuracy of the arithmetical propositions, that
thirty and a quarter square yards will make one perch, and that two
gallons will make one peck.
If tuere are sixteen nails in one yard, how is it that there ought
never to be more than five nails in a foot ?
If a certain number of hogsheads make a pipe, is it possible, with any
quantity of bird's eye, to make a cigar ?
If the earth takes twenty-four hours to get round the sun, how many
hours will it take for a son to get round an angry father ?
Reduce pounds to shillings, by billiards, brandy-and-water, and
cigars.
It fifty-four gallons make one hogshead, how much pig-headedness
will be necessary to make one butt ? »
If twelve dozen make a gross, how many dozen make a publican's
score P
If seventy-two words are required in common law to make a sheet,
now is it that one word will sometimes make a wet blanket, when a
favour is being asked ?
If four journeymen dyers earn three pounds a day by dyeing, and
spend it all, what does it cost each man to live ?
SERMONS IN (BRIGHTON) STONES.
One of the female and puerile amusements of Brighton is the picking
up ot pebbles on the beach, and cheating oneself, or being cheated by
local lapidaries, into the belief that the stones are, to a certain extent,
preciOBB, and that they are worth the expense of polishing.
A lady, or a child, turns up a round pebble, and runs with it to the
lapidary who proclaims it to be a fine emerald, and sends home in the
course of the day a piece of green glass similar in size to the stone that
had been left with him. Superstition seems to have as many heads as the
Hydra,; for, though there has long since been an end to the old notion
that London is paved with gold, the kindred idea that the Brighton
snore is paved with precious stones seems to be still prevalent. As the
Brighton season is now on, we may intimate to the female collectors
that, as all that glitters is not gold," so all that the lapidaries are
prepared to cut, polish, and charge for, are not jewels.
The Milkman calls at the outer walls,
And many a maid from upper story
Comes down the stairs in the dress she wears,
In all her afternoon-tide glory.
" Oh, milk below! " sets the wild echoes flying,
" Oh, milk below!" crying, crying, crying.
Ah me, oh dear, how thin and clear,
Thinner and clearer daily growing !
I almost deem that I hear the stream
Of water into the milk-can flowing.
" Oh, milk below!" I'm surely never buying,
" Oh, milk below!" lying, lying, lying!
Oh, that is the hue of the pale sky-blue,
That's made from cistern, pump, or river;
No cow in a field such stuff would yield,
The sight of it makes me shiver, shiver.
" Oh, milk below! " thus I send it flying-
Go, Milkman, go! lying, lying, lying !
KOSSUTH AT SOUTHAMPTON.
(By our own Reporter.)
Your own reporter ought to be at least one of a thousand. Your
humble servant is one of two or three thousand, who in genteel language
may perhaps be called a mob, that followed Kossuth up the High Street
of Southampton.
When I say I followed Kossuth, I mean I followed Kossuth's
carriage. When I say I followed Kossuth's carriage, I mean I followed
the Mayor of Southampton's carriage, which con'ained the Mayor,
several other gentlemen, and Kossuth. And when I say I followed
the Mayor of Southampton's carriage, I mean I followed the last of
three post-chaises which followed in the wake of the Mayor's carriage,
if the carriage of his Worship the Mayor, or any other carriage, can be
said to have a wake.
Followed only by the post-chaises and the people, Kossuth may be
said to have cut rather a mean and shabby figure in his progress up the
High Street. No splendid line of vehicles, driven by liveried coach-
men, filled with rank and beauty, and adorned with scutcheons, formed
his train. Their place was supplied simply by an enthusiastic multi-
tude, whose vociferous cheers, and the waving of handkerchiefs
from every window, constituted the only welcome of the Hungarian
chieftain.
A considerable number of persons assembled to witness the present-
ation of the banner, and the addresses to Kossuth, in the Town Hall.
But it is a mistake to suppose that these comprised the entire popula-
tion of Southampton and the neighbourhood, as many as two or three
retired Admirals and half-pay officers stood aloof from the proceedings,
and denounced them with imprecations.
In acknowledgment of the honours paid him by the corporation and
the inhabitants, Kossuth made a speech, which candour compels me
to admit was decidedly eloquent, and replete with feeling that may
be described as noble and generous: but his warmest admirers must
confess that it was disfigured by a slightly foreign accent. It is true
that he did not express any Red Republican, Socialist, or Communist
sentiments, nor did he violently abuse even his enemies; but he elicited
a strong expression of disgust and detestation against the Emperor
of Austria, the more remarkable because it was accompanied by
manifestations of the most fervent loyalty towards the Queen of
Great Britain !
I cannot conscientiously say that Kossuth looks like a humbug ^in-
deed, his countenance ana bearing impress me with an idea that he is a
fine, noble fellow ; but you know that appearances are fallacious. Nor
has he, as yet, done anything ridiculous; but a foreigner, who appears
to be connected with him, is going about here in a beard, and a frock
braided with red, looking like a fireman waterman. This man is unques-
tionably melodramatic; and Kossuth himself could not deny that he is
a supernumerary.
In spite of the alleged popularity of the Magyar leader, I can assure
you that I have heard no less than two respectable persons condemn
him as a rebel, and I am credibly informed that one young gentleman
has pronounced that he ought to be hanged.
The Kossuth banquet will have taken place before you can print
this. It will be an awful waste, both of sympathy and victuals;
for his Worship the Mayor? under whose auspices it is got up, is
notorious for going the entire animal, not only in liberalism, but in
liberality.