Punch: Punch (21.1851)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

211

FUNNY MARKET AND WITTY INTELLIGENCE.

Notwithstanding the im-
provement in the funds of
humour, which we have re-
cently noticed, they made a
further advance in conse-
quence of a large transac-
tion in stock jokes, sup-
posed to have been made in
anticipation of the Christ-
mas pantomimes. The
burlesque writers have not
yet begun to operate; but
when they do commence,
the better sort of puns
will go rapidly up; but it
is expected they will go
down—with the audiences
—at about Christmas time.

A gloomy feeling
: was caused by the

rumour of the fail-
ure of_ one of the
oldest jokers in the
City. The fact is,
that the trade has
been for some time
thoroughly inun-
dated with his jokes,
and he has long been
dealing in accom-
modation jokes, got
up between himself and another, whose name we will not at present
mention. Their dealings were almost entirely in chaff, and the Millers
—Joe—and company, into whose books they had gone very deeply—
will be the chief sufferers.

There was an arrival to-day of conundrums and other dry goods, speci-
mens of which were handed about rather freely. Several parcels were
consigned to the Punch Office, but few are above the average. The fol-
lowing are the best quotations :—

" If figs are sold at sixpence a pound by the ' drum,' how should
they be sold by the trumpet ?"

" If £8 per ton is the price of lead in sheets, what would it be worth
in quires ? "

The market was well supplied with small yarn, some of which was
about equal to the following:—

"An individual says that the following translation struck him (it
would have served him right had it knocked him down) during a three-
hours' journey from Kensington to the City.—Nemo omnibus horissapit,
No one knows the times of an omnibus."

There has been a perfect glut of the lower quality of stuffs, which
are offered at any price, but the dealers would have nothing to do with
them. The following will suffice to show the kind of article that some
unprincipled persons, trading on such capital as may be found in the
alphabet, are desirous of foisting on the community. "How," asks
one of these unprincipled adventurers, in a recent circular, " How can
you express in four units that food is necessary for man ?—1. 0. 2. 8.
One—ought—to—eat," is the reply he hazards. We are not sure that
an indictment for trying to get funny under false pretences would not
lie against the person thus committing himself; or, at all events, for
passing a counterfeit joke, as the following goes to show a second case
of uttering.

" Why is a conspiracy like a chicken walking ?—Because it's a
fowl proceeding! "

There can be no doubt that the person capable of hatching a thing
of this sort deserves to be completely beaten up with eggs in the
nearest pillory.

There had been no packet from the Isle of Dogs when we went to
press; and a funny dog we naa expected irom tnat quarter has
accordingly not arrived.

The following has just been growled out to us by a iunny dog of our
own, who, with his MS., has been committed at once to the kennel.

"Why is a bald man like an invalid?—Because he wants fresh
(h)air."

After this it will be dangerous to keep the reader any longer in the
oppressive atmosphere of the Funny Market, and we accordingly
release him from his painful position.

An Old Proverb Improved.—A Wink is as good as a Nod to a
Blind Auctioneer.

"THE EIVE NIGHTS OF ST. ALBANS/'

We remember, though very hazily indeed, that years ago, a romance
of the above name, exercised a most awful power over our young
imagination. The effect, if we remember right, was in a great measure
produced by the mysterious lighting up of the old Abbey, night after
night of the "five" which were the subjects of the tale. How it was
lighted; what went on there ; what would come of it, all these specu-
lations kept us in a haze of mysterious wonder, scarcely dispelled
altogether by the birch which rudely woke us from the dream when
we happened to indulge in its fascination " during school-hours."

Now that we are come, however, to mature years, we clearly perceive
that there exists in the St. Albans of to-day the materials for an equally
stirring romance. The commission sitting there affords the subject:
and as for the "fivenights ;" five nights, there, at least, were recently
occupied in proceedings of a character as secret and as interesting as
ever were the materials of romance or novel yet. A novelist ought to
take up the notion, and he would find that it would lead him quite out
of the common track (including the (Mrs.) Radcliffe Highway) of
fiction.

Of course there would have to be a love story for basis. Young
Dindamont is devotedly attached to Adelinda; has courage, con-
stancy, &c.—everything but money. Adelinda's parent, Sixanaito
(of noble Italian origin), is an electioneering solicitor, who sternly
forbids the union. Lovers are in despair. Dindamont soliloquising
near the Abbey, and, being told to " move on," suddenly observes strange
lights in a house. Lover enters; is knocked down and hustled out.
Grief of Adelinda. This would occupy one night.

The second night arrives. Dindamont steals off to watch the strange
house again. Dark figure approaches in cloak—moonlight ad lib., of
course. Dindamont nears him; packet falls from stranger's hand.
Ha! the gleam of gold !

The third night Sixanaito (in disguise) steals to Dindamont;
takes him off with him to strange house. Groups, wax-lights, mysterious
packages, &c. " Dost thou vote ? " And the youth, raising his eyes
to heaven, replied, " Yes !"

Some light comic business about the beer of the populace, and the
" merrie jests" of the "host" of the Keys, might lead gradually up
to the proceedings of the fourth night. Dindamont happens (any-
thing "happens," you know, in novels) to be the dangerous witness
against Sixanaito by the machinations of Deltrem—opposing solicitor
and rival. Banquet. Proposed flight. Passionate scene between
Sixanaito, Dindamont, and Adelinda.

And, on the fifth night, Dindamont and Adelinda, who have been
married in the morning, fly off with Sixanaito's blessing, and some
help from the " Sitting Member " to pass the honeymoon at Boulogne.

Whoever means to take this subject in hand had better be quick
about it. For, as part of the interest will be political, it will be as well
to bring out the book while the Borough of St. Albans has still a
political existence,—which won't be long !

COUNSEL'S OPINION ON THE APPROACH OP WINTER.
a lay by a lawyer, not a regular layman.

Whereas the wind is turning o'er the leaves
In nature's book, spreading them fore and aft;

And, inasmuch as everybody grieves
To be so soon perusing such a draft;

And, furthermore, the tenure of the cold,
Of which our fingers stand thus early seised,

Renders it needless that we should be told
Jack Frost approaches, (here the writer sneezed).

Truly, herein-before recited frost
Will lead to herein-after mentioned ice ;

So guard against said ice at any cost—
That is poetic Counsel's best advice.

Kossuth and the Doctors.

The Globe says that Sir James Clark has called at Eaton Place—

" With the offer of his valuable professional services, should the illustrious exile wish
to avail himself thereof. The country will appreciate the kindness as well as delicacy
which suggested this visit, not without its significance."

Sir James Clark, the man whose healing fingers are wont to encircle
the wrist of Queen Victoria ! Truly, there is significancy in such a
visit. And yet Kossuth might, we dare say, have royal physicians in
plenty, if he cared to take their prescriptions. Can we doubt, for
instance, that Russia would refuse him a doctor; or that the Emperor
of Austria—the Hungarians' " beardless Nero "—would fail to send
him an Esculapius ?