Punch: Punch (22.1852)

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

35

GRIMALDI v. BREADALBANE.

Of all our Government ships there are none worse managed than
the Censor-ship (and this, by the way, is no light assertion, if we are to
include theMegmra in our list). Almost daily there arises new proof
of Commander Breadalbane's unfitness for his post. Almost daily
we see fresh reason to fear that his will form no exception to the
general rule of inefficiency observed in our governmental appoint-
ments. Not content with ever steering against the tide of popular
opinion, he seems continually on the look-out for some remote rock or
other for his unlucky " Ship" to split upon. Certainly, if his Lordship
would deign to accept a " bit of our mind," we would advise him in-
stantly to take a few lessons in stage-seamanship from Mr. T. P. Cooke,
or some other competent professor of the art. A man so little master
of his craft is really a disgrace to the service.

We are indebted to the Daily News for an account of the latest
theatrical piece—of work his Lordship has condescended !o play the
fool in. The " boards " last honoured witli his tread were those of the
Theatre Loyal, Marylebone. A scene in the pantomime of Sir John
Barleycorn, it appears, was the magnet that attracted the censorial metal:
a scene representing " The Drama at Home," in Windsor Castle,
and one William Shakspeare discovered, sitting (el sit perpelua !
say we) at the feet of Royalty, at once the entertainer and the guest;—
a scene, be it added, perfectly inoffensive in ordinary eyes, and nightly
applauded by the thunder of ordinary voices.

But the eye of Breadalbane, by some peculiar process of its own, of
which it is hoped no one will disturb the patent, at once detected dis-
respect, disloyalty—nay, peradventure, even High Treason itself, fur-
tively lurking behind that scene—all innocent as it seemed. And the
voice of Breadalbane was not as the Vox Populi: for the Breadalbanian
wrath was roused ; and, lo ! on a sudden—snip ! went the Breadalbanian
scissors | ****** *

That we should forthwith be flooded with a Niagara of correspondence
on the point, was a perfectly obvious and expected sequitur. From the
proudly pre-eminent position we have assumed as the leading orsan
of the day in literary, political, social and general matters, we were,
of course, naturally prepared for it. And we assure our correspondents,
whose synonyme is Legion, that we most feelingly regret our inability
to delight the universe with their very able and pertinent remarks.
"The present crowded state of our columns " (to use a favourite edito-
rialism) is at once our pride and our excuse.

One exception, however, we must make, in favour of a communication
which reached us yesterday, through the Dead Letter Office. We
were at first somewhat puzzled by the post-mark; but patience and an
opera-glass at length enabled us to decipher, singly, the letters
S. H. A. D. E. S. On cracking the seal, we read as follows :—

"Dear Punch "Mysian Fields, just after Cock-crow.

■ " Anent this Censor—or rather, t his In-censer of yours, for
your dramatic danders seem to be terribly ' riz' about him—Ellar
and I have been talking it over together, and have come to the
conclusion that the only way to get rid of his Lordship is (if it be
possible) to show him something as ridiculous as himself. Ellar
suggests that our oldest jokes, and most recognised common-place-ities,
should all be introduced with a politely ironic acknowledgment of
his Lordship's "kyind indulgence" in permitting them. After this
fashion, somewhat:

"The Change Scene: Clown jumps out of Obdurate Uncle: and after
initiatory topple, advances meekly to footlights, and prefaces his Maiden
Speech thus : 'Ladies and Gentlemen, By the express sanction of The
Most Noble the Marquis oe Bbeadalbane, Her Majesty's present
Lord Chamberlain, I am most graciously suffered to observe that—
(relapsing into Clown's squeak).

' Here we are again ! ! !'
" I rather think it would tell—eh ?

" Yours in the Shade—considerably,
" Jo. Grimaldi."

*** We leave the proposed remedy in Dr. Elexmore's hands—as-
sured that his .professional experience will enable him to advise his
brethren how best to administer the dose. " Like cureth like," say
the Homosopathists; and the prescribed treatment of his Lordship's
absurdity will, we think, fairly test the soundness of their principle;

It's a long lane that has no turning "—and we trust that the old pro-
verb may yet be verified in the Lord Chamber-lane.

Carrying it Out.

The leader is aware that the French President has ordered the
erasure of the words, Liberie, Egalite, Fraternite, all over Paris. And
—consistent man—while taking L. E. F. from the public buildings, he
aas been careful, also, to take the £. s. d. from the Bank.

OUR BAROMETER OF THE PUBLIC HEALTH.

As the doctor ascertains the health of the patient by the pulse, so we
are guided in our estimate of the health of the public by consulting its
hand, as shown in our correspondence; and we regret to say that our
report for the present week is not satisfactory.

The malady most prevalent during the last few days has been the
Conundrum mania, which has broken out in numerous places ; and some
of the cases are so peculiar, that we cannot refrain from giving the par-
ticulars.

In the district of Sleepy Hollow, A. S. L. has laboured under the
following:—

" Why are housemaids and gardeners sometimes idiots ?—Because
they mop and mow."

This is a very shocking case, but our district joker tells us, that the
afflicted person lives immediately over a comic-song shop, to which fact
his present condition must no doubt be attributed.

Another sad case of Conundro-mania has been brought under our
notice in quite another quarter; but we have ascertained that the
sufferer belongs to a family, many of whose members have been victims
to the same distressing malady. A great uncle lost a situation in a
commercial house, during the last century, by a propensity for punning ;
and there can be little hope for the prospects of the perpetrator of the
following:—

" At what time were salt provisions first introduced into the navy ?
—When Noah took Ham into the ark."

It would seem from the returns presented at our office, that there
were, during the last week, 1196 cases of would-be witticism, and
which, allowing for the increase of population, is about 40 more than the
weekly average of the last five years. We are happy to denote a dimi-
nution of those cases, in which the complaint is accompanied by those
derangements of the organic principles of orthography and grammar,
which were so numerous, until within the last two or three years. It
is now very rarely that we have to notice an instance in which the
painful operation of italicising is rendered necessary.

jOLDTQM

illHJlilllHJJJJ

I

THE END OF BLOOMERISM.

Changarnier's Invasion.

Not long ago, General Changarnier declared himself ready, with
only 10,000 troops, to enter the metropolis. And the old soldier has
kept an instalment of his word. Changarnier is in London; but the
remaining ten thousand are yet to follow.

an international joke.

England is sometimes said to have the constitution of a horse, but
it would seem that France is just now threatened with the constitution
of an ass.

Fusillade Polka.—The French are so prone both to revolutions
and capers, that it is expected they will shortly introduce ball-cartridge
into the mazes of the dance.