DOI issue:
January to June, 1852
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16609#0050
42
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ALLOCUTION TO THE POPE.
t dear Pope,—I see that you have been
expressing your gratitude to the French
array for what it has done in France, or
rather what it has been employed to do
by Louis Napoleon ; and your Jesuits
and other emissaries and partisans are
every where rejoicing at the support
afforded by the military power to your
priesthood throughout the Continent
generally.
Were I in your place, now, I should
take a very different view of affairs.
My situation would occasion great grief
to my paternal heart, as you say, in your
flowery manner. I should consider my-
self dislodged from the hearts of men,
and should regard it as no triumph that
I was imposed on their shoulders: a
position untenable for any length of time
by the help of troops, however nume-
rous.
You would not, my dear Pope, I think,
derive very much pleasure from the sight
of St. Peter's Cathedral shored up
with posts and beams of iron and timber.
1 cannot see any reason why you should be more happy to behold the See
of St. Peter—as you call the Papacy—leaning on cannon and bayonets.
The secular arm may be used with some advantage to wring the
joints or scorch the nerves of individual or isolated heretics. But to
be obliged to rest upon it entirely, my dear Pope, is a proof that—if I
may address you in the language of your most devoted servants—you
have no other leg to stand upon.
I should be afraid, my dear Pope, if I were you, that few now
retained any faith in me, except the despots upholding me, and that
their sole belief in me was a mistaken notion 1 bat I had a hold on the
superstition of their slaves. I should fear that the alliance of Tyranny
and Popery was a compact between the blind and the blind to render
each other that mutual assistance, the necessary result of which you
know, of course, although you may keep that information from your
votaries. Yes, my dear Pope—slightly to vary one of our juvenile
poems—
Hush-a-by ! Pontiff, upon the sword's prop;
When the world moves the Popedom will rock;
When the prop breaks the structure will fall,
And down conies Papacy, Pontiff, and all.
And when that catastrophe arrives, don't say that you had not fair
warning of its approach from
THE SEVEN WONDERS OF A YOUNG LADY.
1. Keeping her accounts in preference to an Album.
2. Generously praising the attractions of that " affected creature "
who always cut her out.
3. Not ridiculing the man she secretly prefers—nor quizzing what
she seriously admires.
4 Not changing her "dear, dear friend" quarterly—or her dress
three times a-day.
5. Reading a novel without looking at the third volume first; or
writing a letter without a postscript; or taking wine at dinner without
saying the smallest drop in the world;" or singing without " a bad
cold ; ' or wearing shoes that were not " a mile too big for her."
6. Seeing a baby without immediately rushing to it and kissing it.
7. Carrying a large bouquet at an evening party, and omitting to
ask her partner " if he understands the language of flowers."
Switzerland in Danger.
The Times enumerates the many dear obligations owed by the French
President to Switzerland. In which case, Punch would earnestly
advise Switzerland to be prepared for a tremendous instance of the
President's gratitude.
" sentenced por ten tears—"
♦.v.^President of the Republic has been elected for ten years. We
tnink that by that time, not only will the term of the President's
power, but the prosperity of France will, also, be—Decade {Decayed).
A Queer Query Quashed.—We have long been puzzled to know
to what Book we should ascribe the oft-quoted " Chapter of Accidents."
Experience, however is now daily convincing us, that the Book in
question can be no other than Bradshaw's Railway Guide
A DREAM OF REVOLUTION.
We dreamt that a revolution had taken place in England; though to
dream such a thing, of course, we had a most extravagant vision.
We dreamt that we were not blessed with a Victoria the First, but
cursed with a James the Third, who, instead of resisfing the Papal
Aggression, had backed it by making Sir James Graham Prime
Minister, with a Cabinet composed of the Irish Brigade, and had
appointed Cardinal Wiseman for Lord Chancellor. Then we dreamt
a general insurrection had occurred, and James, having shaved off his
whiskers had escaped to Paris under the name of Monsieur Tonson.
Next we dreamt that a Provisional Government had been formed,
consisting of the contributors to Punch; that the Chartists had risen
and barricaded Cheapside and Fleet Street, but had been defeated with
much slaughter. After these events, that the people had unanimously
elected Smith O'Brien Protector of the British Commonwealth, and
that the hero of the cabbage-garden had been recalled from exile to sit
in the seat of Cromwell.
Lastly, we dreamt that Smith, not being able to get on with his
Parliament, upset the established order of things, at a blow, early one
morning, shot several thousands of those who happily are, as it is, Her
Majesty's subjects; suppressed the Times, and all the other news-
papers, except the Morning Post; compelled Lord John Russell, the
13uke op Wellington, Mr. Disraeli, and all our chief soldiers and
statesmen to leave the country; sent Colonel Sibthorp and Mr. Punch
to the Tower; packed off Lord Brougham in a police van to Coldbath
Fields Prison; transported Messrs. Bright, Hume, and Cobden,
with a multitude of their constituents, to Norfolk Island; and con-
cluded by giving old England a new Constitution, creating a House of
Lords to legislate with closed doors, and a House of Commons wherein
Ministers were not to sit, which was not to originate, or move amend-
ments on, any Act of Parliament, and the debates of which were not to
be published, except as doctored by official authority.
We woke, crying, " Oh ! oh! " and found that our vision had been
a case of what philosophers call "suggestive dreaming"—suggested by
recent events in France, the realities of which were even worse than
anything we had dreamt of.
A PUFF OVER THE LEFT.
No More Pills, nor any other (Quack) Medicine. — Fifty
Years' Uninterrupted Health has been succeeded by Dyspepsia,
Nervousness, Asthma, Cough, Constipation, Flatulency, Spasms, Sick-
ness at the Stomach and Vomitings, Loss of Appetite, Convulsions,
Sleeplessness, Determination of Blood to the Head, Giddiness, Despair,
Melancholy, Horrible Thoughts, Aversion to Society, Palpitations^ of
the Heart, Blushing, Bad Legs, and Temptations to Suicide, after trying
Bosh's good-for-nothing stuff, called the Health-restoring Ambrosia
Olympica Aliment.—Selina Jolly Gruntham, Poo, near Shaw,
Fiddlesex. Also, similiar Testimonials of Cure from Lord Rewitt de
Quoties ; the Ven. Archdeacon Dunn, of Jericho ; Geoefry Hum-
gudgeon, Esq., Barrister, Prince's College, Bambridge; and 500,000
other equally well-known and respectable parties. In (ideal) canisters,
with full directions to throw behind the fire, at 0 per canister, at
Punch's Office, 85, Fleet Street, where every variety of patent medicine
and universal remedy is disposed of in Numbers, 3d. each, and 4<d. with
the Government Stamp.
The Suspension of Liberty.
In honour of the vote for Louis Napoleon, "the tower of Notre
Dame was decorated with hangings." Considering the origin of the
present Government, which is based on so many shootings, the decora-
tion by means of hangings is not inappropriate.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ALLOCUTION TO THE POPE.
t dear Pope,—I see that you have been
expressing your gratitude to the French
array for what it has done in France, or
rather what it has been employed to do
by Louis Napoleon ; and your Jesuits
and other emissaries and partisans are
every where rejoicing at the support
afforded by the military power to your
priesthood throughout the Continent
generally.
Were I in your place, now, I should
take a very different view of affairs.
My situation would occasion great grief
to my paternal heart, as you say, in your
flowery manner. I should consider my-
self dislodged from the hearts of men,
and should regard it as no triumph that
I was imposed on their shoulders: a
position untenable for any length of time
by the help of troops, however nume-
rous.
You would not, my dear Pope, I think,
derive very much pleasure from the sight
of St. Peter's Cathedral shored up
with posts and beams of iron and timber.
1 cannot see any reason why you should be more happy to behold the See
of St. Peter—as you call the Papacy—leaning on cannon and bayonets.
The secular arm may be used with some advantage to wring the
joints or scorch the nerves of individual or isolated heretics. But to
be obliged to rest upon it entirely, my dear Pope, is a proof that—if I
may address you in the language of your most devoted servants—you
have no other leg to stand upon.
I should be afraid, my dear Pope, if I were you, that few now
retained any faith in me, except the despots upholding me, and that
their sole belief in me was a mistaken notion 1 bat I had a hold on the
superstition of their slaves. I should fear that the alliance of Tyranny
and Popery was a compact between the blind and the blind to render
each other that mutual assistance, the necessary result of which you
know, of course, although you may keep that information from your
votaries. Yes, my dear Pope—slightly to vary one of our juvenile
poems—
Hush-a-by ! Pontiff, upon the sword's prop;
When the world moves the Popedom will rock;
When the prop breaks the structure will fall,
And down conies Papacy, Pontiff, and all.
And when that catastrophe arrives, don't say that you had not fair
warning of its approach from
THE SEVEN WONDERS OF A YOUNG LADY.
1. Keeping her accounts in preference to an Album.
2. Generously praising the attractions of that " affected creature "
who always cut her out.
3. Not ridiculing the man she secretly prefers—nor quizzing what
she seriously admires.
4 Not changing her "dear, dear friend" quarterly—or her dress
three times a-day.
5. Reading a novel without looking at the third volume first; or
writing a letter without a postscript; or taking wine at dinner without
saying the smallest drop in the world;" or singing without " a bad
cold ; ' or wearing shoes that were not " a mile too big for her."
6. Seeing a baby without immediately rushing to it and kissing it.
7. Carrying a large bouquet at an evening party, and omitting to
ask her partner " if he understands the language of flowers."
Switzerland in Danger.
The Times enumerates the many dear obligations owed by the French
President to Switzerland. In which case, Punch would earnestly
advise Switzerland to be prepared for a tremendous instance of the
President's gratitude.
" sentenced por ten tears—"
♦.v.^President of the Republic has been elected for ten years. We
tnink that by that time, not only will the term of the President's
power, but the prosperity of France will, also, be—Decade {Decayed).
A Queer Query Quashed.—We have long been puzzled to know
to what Book we should ascribe the oft-quoted " Chapter of Accidents."
Experience, however is now daily convincing us, that the Book in
question can be no other than Bradshaw's Railway Guide
A DREAM OF REVOLUTION.
We dreamt that a revolution had taken place in England; though to
dream such a thing, of course, we had a most extravagant vision.
We dreamt that we were not blessed with a Victoria the First, but
cursed with a James the Third, who, instead of resisfing the Papal
Aggression, had backed it by making Sir James Graham Prime
Minister, with a Cabinet composed of the Irish Brigade, and had
appointed Cardinal Wiseman for Lord Chancellor. Then we dreamt
a general insurrection had occurred, and James, having shaved off his
whiskers had escaped to Paris under the name of Monsieur Tonson.
Next we dreamt that a Provisional Government had been formed,
consisting of the contributors to Punch; that the Chartists had risen
and barricaded Cheapside and Fleet Street, but had been defeated with
much slaughter. After these events, that the people had unanimously
elected Smith O'Brien Protector of the British Commonwealth, and
that the hero of the cabbage-garden had been recalled from exile to sit
in the seat of Cromwell.
Lastly, we dreamt that Smith, not being able to get on with his
Parliament, upset the established order of things, at a blow, early one
morning, shot several thousands of those who happily are, as it is, Her
Majesty's subjects; suppressed the Times, and all the other news-
papers, except the Morning Post; compelled Lord John Russell, the
13uke op Wellington, Mr. Disraeli, and all our chief soldiers and
statesmen to leave the country; sent Colonel Sibthorp and Mr. Punch
to the Tower; packed off Lord Brougham in a police van to Coldbath
Fields Prison; transported Messrs. Bright, Hume, and Cobden,
with a multitude of their constituents, to Norfolk Island; and con-
cluded by giving old England a new Constitution, creating a House of
Lords to legislate with closed doors, and a House of Commons wherein
Ministers were not to sit, which was not to originate, or move amend-
ments on, any Act of Parliament, and the debates of which were not to
be published, except as doctored by official authority.
We woke, crying, " Oh ! oh! " and found that our vision had been
a case of what philosophers call "suggestive dreaming"—suggested by
recent events in France, the realities of which were even worse than
anything we had dreamt of.
A PUFF OVER THE LEFT.
No More Pills, nor any other (Quack) Medicine. — Fifty
Years' Uninterrupted Health has been succeeded by Dyspepsia,
Nervousness, Asthma, Cough, Constipation, Flatulency, Spasms, Sick-
ness at the Stomach and Vomitings, Loss of Appetite, Convulsions,
Sleeplessness, Determination of Blood to the Head, Giddiness, Despair,
Melancholy, Horrible Thoughts, Aversion to Society, Palpitations^ of
the Heart, Blushing, Bad Legs, and Temptations to Suicide, after trying
Bosh's good-for-nothing stuff, called the Health-restoring Ambrosia
Olympica Aliment.—Selina Jolly Gruntham, Poo, near Shaw,
Fiddlesex. Also, similiar Testimonials of Cure from Lord Rewitt de
Quoties ; the Ven. Archdeacon Dunn, of Jericho ; Geoefry Hum-
gudgeon, Esq., Barrister, Prince's College, Bambridge; and 500,000
other equally well-known and respectable parties. In (ideal) canisters,
with full directions to throw behind the fire, at 0 per canister, at
Punch's Office, 85, Fleet Street, where every variety of patent medicine
and universal remedy is disposed of in Numbers, 3d. each, and 4<d. with
the Government Stamp.
The Suspension of Liberty.
In honour of the vote for Louis Napoleon, "the tower of Notre
Dame was decorated with hangings." Considering the origin of the
present Government, which is based on so many shootings, the decora-
tion by means of hangings is not inappropriate.