Punch: Punch (22.1852)

I

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

165

REAL FOOD FOR THE MIND!

ommend me, Mr. Punch,
to a capital article in
the Church Review on
the Morality of the
Stomach! It is gratify-
ing to find a Church
organ directing its at-
tention seriously to the
state of the interior.
The Reviewer dis-
courses admirably on
Dr. Moore's orthodox
text,—

" ' The regulation of our
appetite is among the chief
of our daily duties.'

"His sentiments are
not those of a Puseyite,
or what I call an Oxford
fa3t-man. He has no bias
towards soupe maigre, or
any other superstition.
He does not recommend
red-herrings, but refine-
ment. Hetrulyobserves,

" ' It is said that no fact is better established thau that diet greatly modifies the
temper.'

"How often have I experienced this great truth when my steak has
been overdone, and I could get no pickles ! And he continues,—

"' Hence Galen told the philosophers to send all the bad characters to him.'

" What a beautiful prospect of the amelioration of our species this
sentence opens up ! Hitherto, in trying to discover the right system
of convict-discipline, we have been beating about the bush. We have
found it at last; fare is the thing; an entirely new system of prison-diet.
We must, as the Church Reviewer says, " feed the industries and the
virtues with their daily bread, from among the riches of this kind which
the earth is instructed to yield." The daily bread of the industries and
virtues is not brown Tommy. The Reviewer appears to mean fruit by
it. He has apples in his eye, apparently; gooseberries and currants

and a few subscriptions, to encourage so laudable a study, will hardly
be grudged by the Public—will readily, 1 trust, be taken in by you—
and will, I am sure, be thankfully received by your humble servant,

" Gustavus."

A NEW CHAUNT FOR ROCHESTER CHOIR.

We 're surprised, Mr. Wkiston, you thus should insist on
Your scandalous charges 'gainst dignities high;

Putting forth a vile bead-roll, which proves each Cathedral
A den of thieves, robbing small boys on the sly !

A Son of the Church, too, and wielding the birch, too,
Within the dread shadow of Rochester's pi'3,

When you ought to have capp'd her Dean, Bishop, and Chapter,
To show them all up in this merciless style !

And when you've the face, sir, to make out your case, sir,
With facts and with figures that none can deny;

What means the denial you make on your trial,
Of "gravius delictum"—" crime blackest of die ? "

If our ancestors foolish had notions so schoolish,
In this nineteenth century, sure you don't mean

To contend that the birchings of fifty young urchins
Ought to cost half as much as the keep of a Dean ?

With changed value of money, there's nothing so funny
In the charge of a Canon being duly increased;

But it raises one's choler to be told that a scholar
Ought to have his allowance enlarged like a priest.

As one, sir, who teaches, you should heal, not make breaches,

And by your example to meekness invite;
Not set on inferiors to judge their superiors,

And drag disagreeable truths into light.

Zeal lacking discretion don't suit your profession,
And to tell truth at all times is only for fools ;

Why, if you must write, sir, not speak your delight, sir,
At the way Deans and Chapters behave to their schools ?

Had you praised our discerning, unselfishness, learning,
Our strong sense of justice, by courtesy ruled,

.llc nas auuies in uis eye, auuatcuuv : guuseuernes auu currants t „.-j •*. „ u j j v. i ■ i w 11. j. " > i. „•

also, and the other natural delicacies of the season. So, then, instead! Lav l\f hard ,and hhot' sir' tor a11 that we re l°\

lou d never have been as you now are, unschooled.

of from three months' treadmill or oakum, we may hope to have the
offenders of a new era sentenced to certain terms of pine-apple, or
strawberries and cream.

" Does the earth really bring forth natural remedies for moral evils ?
I wonder what vice truffles are good for? Would I not set about
reforming it in earnest, if subject to it, which I should almost wish I
was ! No matter. I will take the antidote on speculation. I dare say

MUMMERY AT MIDNIGHT.

Exeter is a soil fruitful in extravagance. A Bishop has blessed the
see, and lo! it is monstrously prolific. During Passion Week, one
that there is some poison in my nature that it may counteract. " ( Rev. S. Lee, of the parish of All Hallows, announced his intention of

' I know I am troubled with a slight acidity of temper; and believe
that I have more than once found it corrected by stewed mushrooms.

" I hope, however, that fruits and other vegetable productions are
not the only aliments of the virtues and industries. Prom the rapidity
with which subscriptions pour in after a .charity dinner, I am strongly
inclined to think that real turtle is nutritious to munificence, and I
wish it were the daily, instead of the occasional, food of that principle
in myself. The same remark may be made of whitebait, and, indeed, of
venison, and the other elements of a truly generous banquet, inclusive
of the beverages, from iced punch to champagne, and so on, which
attend it.

" Some kinds of food, it is well known, increase the bulk of the
muscles; others run to fat. If the brain has distinct organs, one species
of comestible may go to nourish one; another may be the special
pabulum of another. Underdone beef may have a determination to
destructiveness—milk, to benevolence; having thus, in reality, the
relation to human kindness ascribed to it by a form of speech.

" This theory appears to be borne out by the fact, that indulgence in
too many good things occasions (unfortunately) a general fulness of the
head, tending to apoplexy.

" In these days of Socialism, Communism, Fourrierism, and the like
wild theories, it is refreshing to meet with so sensible a notion as the

gastronomic regeneration of Society.
- " I say that the Church .

say that the Church Review deserves our best thanks for the light
it has thrown upon fasting, which, philosophically considered, is merely
abstinence from all food likely to disagree with the higher faculties.
tv, part' 1 mten(* t° reform and repent on a series of good dinners.
j- shall exemplify the precept of that excellent ecclesiastic who sings,

"' He who leads a good life is sure to live well.'

C"r?Periments 0I1ly can determine on what particular delicacies we
snould cultivate our better feelings. I should be happy to institute
researches into this branch of Moral Philosophy, if I had the means ;

holding a " Midnight Mass." The thing, however, was not permitted,
doubtless to the Christian sorrow of the Tractarian experimentalist;
otherwise, we are informed, the matter would have come off, as they
print in the play-bills, with " new and startling effects." Many of the
zealous would have typified the faith within them, by carrying to the
Mass a dark-lanthorn; whilst fancy-dresses, a la Guy Fawkes—with
the supplementary grace of a mask—had been bespoken by the more
enthusiastic. We may daily expect a very pastoral and pious letter on
the subject from Bishop Phllpotts to Miss Sellon,

RULES FOR HEALTH.

By a Scotch Philosopher, who has tried them all.

Never drink anything but water.
Never eat anything but oatmeal.
Wear the thickest boots.
Walk fifteen miles regularly every day

Avoid all excitement; consequently it is best to remain single, for
then you will be free from all household cares and matrimonial troubles,
and you will have no children to worry you.

The same rule applies to smoking, taking snuff, playing at cards, and
arguing with an Irishman. They are all strong excitements, which
must be rigidly avoided, if you value in the least your health.

By attending carefully to the above rules, there is every probability
that you may live to a hundred years, and that you will enjoy your
hundredth year fully as much as you did your twenty-first.

Military Intelligence.—A Precocious Cadet at Addiscombe,
being asked for his opinion on the subject of Calibre, replied at once
that he considered it a decided Bore.