Punch: Punch (23.1852)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

49

AN ECONOMICAL ESTABLISHMENT FOR YOUNG

GENTLEMEN.

here is a very general demand for
the repeal of the taxes on Knowledge,
which article, however heavily burdened
with taxation, is not altogether so dear
as people commonly suppose. At least
there is a locality in the north of
England, wherein knowledge appears
to be obtainable on terms which, if
not reasonable, are unreasonable only
from being absurdly cheap. An adver-
tisement in the Times announces, that
at a certain gentleman's " Academy "
near Richmond, Yorkshire—

YOUTHS ARE BOARDED, Furnished
1 with Books, and INSTRUCTED in what-
ever their future prospects may require, for 20
and 22 guineas a year. No vacations unless
desired. Cards, with references, to be had by

return of post, and - - will call upon

applicants, after the 11th, in London.

To be sure, there is a certain ambi-
guity in this advertisement. When it
states the terms for board, books, and
instruction, unconditionally, in whatever the pupil's future prospects
may require, at 20 and 22 guineas a year, we are in doubt whether it
means 20 + 22 guineas, or twenty guineas for one class of students or
course of teaching, and twenty-two for another. As the future prospects
of some pupils may require instruction in omni scibili, the more pro-
bable conjecture should seem to be that 42 guineas are intended;
though in that case the figure might as well have been stated at once.
But forty-two guineas would be cheap for a curriculum which would
possibly include the rudiments of the ancient and modern languages, of
mathematics, pure and mixed, and of the moral and physical sciences.
If from 20 to 22 guineas be what is meant, we can only say that such
a price for a year's food for both mind and body is a miracle of
cheapness; but we consider that the age of miracles has passed, and
especially—after the publication of " Nicholas Nickleby "—of such
miracles as this.

As the principal of this Gymnasium " will call upon applicants," we
would recommend those whom he may honour with this attention, to
interrogate him rather particularly with regard to the quality of his pro-
visions for the corporeal and mental nutrition of his juvenile charges, if
the nature of those arrangements is of any consequence to the parent,
uncle, aunt, or guardian concerned. As this may, in some disgraceful
instances, not happen to be the case, we think it would be as well that
cheap Yorkshire schools should be liable to inspection, as well as nun-
neries and all other private institutions in which the well-being of any
persons—young or old, male or female—may be under the control of other
persons, subject to human passions and frailties, and therefore, though
perhaps highly respectable, not implicitly to be trusted.

REAL HUSTINGS ELOQUENCE.

The noblest—although somewhat of the shortest — speech made
during the elections was the speech of Mr. Beresford, late major of
1 he Lancers, late whipper-in of the Tories, and actual Secretary at War
under Lord Derby. , Beresford, the silver-tongued, stood upon the
hus'ings of North Essex; and as he was much hooted, Beresford
mildly called his opponents mere rabble. Whereupon said rabble
hooted again. Whereupon Beresford meekly observed—

" I appeal to the freeholders, to the landowners, and to the clergy of North Essex,
who I am sure will return me in spite of your brawls. (Great confusion.) / despise
you jrom my heart as the vilest rabble I ever saw."

Beresford throws himself like a Tory and a Christian upon the
Clergy, and then denounces his men and brethren as " the vilest rabble"
he ever saw. We call this large, full-mouthed eloquence. If a dust-
hole could speak, could its utterance be larger or more choice than the
utterance of that deep-chested late whipper-in — that large-hearted
Secretary at War of the Tory Cabinet ? The rabble! Very good
indeed, ex-major. These men are rabble, because they have no votes :
and having no votes, how brutal must be their voices ? The beasts !
They are so low in intelligence that, we dare be sworn, they hardly know
a big loaf from a little one.

Splendid Act of Butchery.

The Sun relates that a certain Mr. Hand, a famous swordsman, the
other evening at Saville House, Leicester Square, cut a sheep in two
*t a blow, This is the largest mutton chop we ever heard of.

THE SUBSTITUTE FOR PROTECTION.

song for the agricultural society.

'Tis all up wi' Protection; so let's be content,
It wasn't much good but to bolster up Rent;
A ton of cheap guano'd be werth more to we
Than all the Protection as ever could be.

But now for our guano we've got for to goo
To them Lobos Islands, out there by Peru.
For the stuff, by itself, a long price we must pay;
And then there's the carriage, besides, to defray.

So far for manoeuvre ah! why should we roam ?
When we have abundance and plenty at home,
Which to waste as we do is a shame and a sin,
When we might rejoice and be thankful therein.

I went up to Lunnun, no long time ago,
And on to the Thames for a breeze and a blow;
I might ha' took a sail on the hoss-pond as well,
For the look o' the water and likewise the smell.

Thinks I, this here river, so yoller as flows,
Is no pleasant thing to have under one's nose,
But wi' a few cartloads on't over a field,
Loramassy, to think what a crop 'a would yield!

And here you be lettun a stream like that there,
As might fatten the earth, only pizon the air,
You might turn the best part o' that flooid to bread,
And you gets nothin' out on't but fever instead.

A brook by my farm-yard runs pleasant and clear;
I might make un exactly like this river here,
By turnin' uu into a drain, to convey
All the good o' the pigsty and stable away.

The riches each poor country clodhopper saves,

You allows to be swoller'd right up by the waves,

Save a potion as don't goo so far as the sea,

Which you swollers yourselves in your beer and your tea.

Ammonia, and such like, to plants is a treat;

But for my part I must say I don't like such meat;

I'd rather, myself, from such dainties refrain,

Till in Natur's due course they be changed into grain.

But had we the stuff of the Thames at command,
What a boon it would be and relief to the land !
We farmers should find it of far moor avail,
Than either fixed dooty, or up-and-down scale.

If I'd as much on it as I could employ,
My buzzum 'twould fill wi' peace, comfort, and joy;
And the Cockneys would also be joyful and glad,
If they was so well rid of rubbish so bad.

The best way to smooth all our diff'rences down,
Would be giving to Country the drainage of Town;
To both at the same time affording relief,
Of either 'twould banish the sorrow and grief.

Some help of this nature would be our best boon—
If you asks for Protection, you cries for the moon—
So now give Disraeli and Derby to know
That manoeuvre's the best thing that they can bestow.

DEATH OF " JOHN DOE AND RICHARD ROE."

We are told that on the 24th of October next, these great characters
—great in their fiction and falsehood—will cease, even as lies, to exist.
A statute of the last session enacts that

" Instead of the present proceeding by ejectment, a writ shall be issued, directed to
the persons in possession of the property claimed, which property shall be described in
the writ with reasonable certainty."

Reasonable certainty! And is law to be made a thing of reason !
Then what is called justice may take a chandler's shop, and with her
false weights, vend soap and candles.

We understand that the oldest attorneys contemplate the formation
of a committee, whose object shall be a. public professional funeral of
the deceased Doe and Roe ; a few enthusiasts, in anticipation of the
mournful event, have already had their coats dipped a deeper black.
The deceased will be buried at midnight,—the bells of the Inns of
Court tolling half-minute strokes. " Service " will be performed either
by Jacobs Levi, or Levy Jacobs.