Punch: Punch (23.1852)

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

177

LETTEES FROM THE DEAD TO THE LIVING.
Augustus (Lesab to Louis Napoleon.

on Prince, — I have
heard some unfor-
tunates say,
Who were killed by
your troops in the
Rue de la Paix,
That some mortals are
foolish enough to
compare
Your actions and for-
tune with mine ;
but my care
For my character bids
me here let them all
see,

How greatly we differ
— how slightly
agree.
I grant some resem-
blance at first may
appear,
For we both have had
Uncles, and they
are both here;
Each was great in his
day, and / shall not
disclaim
My share of our debt
to their fortune and
fame.

Like yours, too, my
power at first be-
came great

By the feuds and the factions which harassed the state;

For my country, like France, in her thirst for repose

From the blunders of friends and the bluster of foes,

Seeing evils all round, thought the smallest of any

Was to help the one tyrant to keep down the many.

Your eagles, 1 doubt not, are modelled on mine;

And my cohorts, no less than your troops of the line,

When employed on the dirtiest jobs of their trade,

Merely cared not for what, but how much, they were paid.

Like you, then, I waded through blood to a crown;

Like you, bound the last friends of Liberty down;

There the parallel ends: would you have it endure ?

Know—the chains that will stretch most will prove most secure!

Although cruel at first, I grew clement in turn,

And knew how to forgive; you've that lesson to learn:

I furnished a theme for Corneille's glowing page,

You—on fete days exhibit Corneille on the stage ;

Content with controlling the actions of each

In my empire, I left them the freedom of speech;

They might murmur who pleased, if they yielded to me ;

You expect all your slaves to affirm they are free:

If a satire were good, why ! 1 laughed with the rest,

And punished no libel; you chafe at each jest.

Believe me, a ruler gives point to a joke,

When he shows it possesses the power to provoke:

I did nought to corrupt those I sought to enslave,

But was decent in private, in public was grave;

For my friend every statesman I laboured to gain;

You have banished all those who could teach you to reign,

And, when asked with what sages or wits you are seen, I

For Agrippa name Fould, for Mec^nas, Persigny :

I kept genius at home to emblazon my fame;

You have forced it to travel and publish your shame :

Like you, I was flattered, you '11 say; but, vain Fool,

/was flattered by Horace ; you 're spurned by Reboul : *

Virgil deemed his best strains to my clemency due,

But VfeRON himself cannot always praise you.

The world from the grave Suetonius has heard,

I was firm in my friendships, and true to my word;

But Cassagnac even, whatever might be

His reward, could not pay that last tribute to thee :

Thus, unguarded I lived, in the streets or at home,

And one cohort sufficed to keep order in Borne.

Yes, Prince ! you may hasten the Empire to claim

(L had ruled twenty years ere I heard of the name),

• Re four,, the poor poet of sNismea, who has just refused to accept the Cross of the
Legion of Honour from the Prince President.

But think not—although to your pride and your power

No check shall arrive till your life's latest hour;

Though the people, still servile, the troops, always true,

Shall join in no plots, save those sanctioned by you,—

Though new virtues the press to your race shall ascribe,

And, now cowed by a menace, now fed by a bribe,

All its former wit merged in a blasphemous whine,

Shall affirm that its master is all but Divine;—

Yet think not, buoyed up by a dream of success,

When their lips praise you most, their hearts hate you the less :

Your people may cringe; ours, thank Heaven ! could trust us ;

Your's can only fear you; ours respected Augustus.

SAEE FIGHTING.

This is to be done—after an Irish fashion. It appears a contradic-
tion, but we can have a most tremendous war between the magnanimous
Celt and the contemptible Saxon, and no bloodshed, no bones broken.
The notion must have been whispered by the dove of peace—whispered
into the writer's ear, even as Mahomet's pigeon cooed celestial
intelligence to the Prophet. The editor of the Qalway Execrator
asserts and proclaims :—

" That the Irish are perfectly armed; let it he known that while we have steam-engines
we can bid defiance to brutal Britons. A man can throw stones, a steam-engine will like-
wise throw stones, because a steam-engine will do anything a man can do ! The steam-
engine will wield a sling, nay fifty slings whose cords are cables I and whose missiles are.
roclcs ! ! It will sweep into the air masses of granite, which whirling on high large as a
cabin, and soaring into the sky!! I will descend with a terrible rush upon squadrons of
horse and regiments of infantry, will make mash of men and horses, or, breaking their
ranks, will make them fly in every direction like madmen !! Shareholders in railways
should know, &c., &c, that democracy can arm itself with steam-engmes."

But stop—a word in your ear, friend Execrator. If it must come to
this, if the Celt will have steam-engine slings, why not the Saxon ?
We know, in comparison with Celtic intelligence, we are a benighted,
stupid people: we are misty-brained and moony-eyed; nevertheless, we
are not quite such fools as to march to be made a "mash" of. We
would not, dull as we are, attempt to recruit to meet such a power.
" Wanted, five hundred fine young men for the Hare-brained Cavalry,
to meet missiles like rocks, to be mashed men and horses, mi, finally,
to fly in every direction like madmen." The Saxon humbly owns
himself a fool, but not quite such a fool as that.

Therefore, friend Execrator, we shall fight your steam-engines with
our steam-engines. Iron to iron—stone slung against stone. And
how beautiful, when the stones, big as cabins (Irish cabins, those homes
of peace and self-respect!)—how beautiful when the stones clash in the
air, and break into powder; the fight being left entirely between the
contending engines, the opposing missiles. This is a very pacific
improvement upon war; moreover, it is quite Irish. A terrific hubbub,
and nothing done.

The Saxon had his iron general; but the Celt will have an iron army.
When, may we ask, will General Piston, Colonel High-Pressure,
Major Valve, and so forth, be gazetted P What if we propose as the
auspicious day, the Fifth of November ?

THE MORISONIAN SYSTEM OF PUTTING OUT A FIRE.

Mount jEtna has been on fire for nearly two months. It is
blazing away even now. It is rather too far to send Mr. Braidwood
with a detachment of engines, for the purpose of extinguishing this
"Tremendous Fire," but we propose that Mr. Phillips be despatched
instanter with a supply of his " Fire Annihilators " to try what he can
do with them. Let him throw into the mouth of the crater, by way
of a first dose, two dozen of his fiery boluses. If they do not make
the patient a little more easy, let the second dose be increased to four
dozen; and, if these do not give jEtna its quietus, let the third dose
be augmented to eight dozen, which, if there is any faith in the
Morisonian system of pill-taking, ought to prove an effectual
extinguisher. This would only be a fair test of Mr. Phillips's
"Fire Annihilator;" for it stands to reason that, if it succeeds in
putting out the pipe of a volcano that has been smoking, with an
endless supply of "fire," for upwards of two months, it must be
equally successful in blowing out any little farthing rushlight of a
conflagration that we may have in England. We should like to be
present to see Mr. Phillips standing over the crater, with a Fire-
Annihilator, like a pill, between his thumb and his fore-finger, and to
hear him say to JEtna, "Open your mouth and see what I will
send you."__

Near the Truth.

Why is the ruffian Cannon, who nearly murdered the policeman, like
a certain popular swindle ?—Because he is a Monster Sweep.

A Penny-a-liner's Proverb.—" There is many a slip between the
pen and the tip.