Punch: Punch (23.1852)

216

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

A PROTECTIONIST PALINODE
To be said or sung to the " Manes " of a Great Statesman,

by the ministerial leader in the commons.

Forgive, wrong'd Shade, the temporary sneer;

Forgive the futile taunt, and gibe, and jest;
Forgive the wish—whilst thou didst linger here—

Tnat will not nows I hope, disturb thy rest.

Alas ! I own I had an eye to Place,

That hadst thou granted, 'twould have been all right:
And I should ne'er nave suffered the disgrace

Of saying what 1 have to say to-night.

Thy policy was just, and good, and wise,
In that thou didst untax the Nation's food:

And it was only from a wish to rise,
That I thy noble statesmanship withstood.

For six long years an empty fight I 've fought,
For all that time I've play'd a hollow game;

And now at last I've gained the prize I sought,
I must recant—or else resign the same.

Confiding Squires I cleverly have led
To realms of glowing moonshine, by the nose,

And trustful Farmers with my fine words fed—
Food I must eat myself, now, I suppose.

Yes ; round upon my bumpkins I must turn,
The fury of their disappointment brave,

My explanations whilst, perhaps, they spurn,
And call me humbug, turncoat, rogue, and knave,

Rat, weathercock, apostate, and Jim Crow,
Judas, perchance—such epithets were thine—

Thou to thy geese couldst quietly say " Boh!"
But dare I answer so the hiss of mine ?

For thou didst but thy country's good pursue,
'T was not thy aim alone at power to clutch.—

Had T, till now, such simrJe end in view ?
I only wish that I could say as much!

Accept my late atonement, injured Shade,

AH my hostility to thee was Sliam:
Protection I renounce; confess Free Trade,

And grant that I have taught the farmers Bam!

A BENJAMIN WITH TWO SIDES.

We have seen advertised a new coat under the title of " an upper Ben-
jamin with two sides." It professes to be a kind of coat to do double duty
—or two coats rolled into one. It is smooth outside, and rough within.
The smooth side is for the sun, for Regent Street, for the Park, for the
race-course—all those places where " a fashionable exterior " (to quote
the choice phraseology of the tailor) is requisite. The rough is for the
rain, for outside the omnibus, for the Horticultural Fetes, for Vauxhall,
for a visit to Lancashire, or any other place where showers are most
abundant. We do not know how far this economical combination may
answer—or whether the sensation of turning your coat, after it has done
raining, is an agreeable one to the skin, but we must say, we should
not exactly like having a Pilot, that has just been weathering the storm,
and consequently is dripping wet, hanging as close as a rheumatic
band round our body. It might be recommended by the hydropathic
Faculty, but as we are not so fond of walking about with wet clothes,
like an animated clothes-horse, we should decidedly prefer having a
separate coat for rainy weather, instead of a double coat like this
Benjamin, which would, probably, double one up in a very short time
with the rheumatism.

But we think we know a Benjamin that, also, has two sides. This
Benjamin, too, will turn his coat at the shortest notice. When he is
in he is smooth enough, but when he is out he is so rough that those
who come in contact with him fall in for a goodly share of hard rubs.
These two coats are extremely convenient, as the present ministry can
testify, for what would they be without their Benjamin? One of the
coats is Free Trade. That is only displayed in fine weather, when the
sun in Downing Street is shining full upon Ministers. But directly
things begin to look a little black, the coat is turned immediately,
and they come out then with a bearish, roughish coat—a kind of wrap-
rascal—which is their suit of Protection. In this way, they change
their coat according to the weather, and are prepared at a moment's
notice for any turn that may take place in the political atmosphere.

At present, as everything looks fine and promising, the side of Free
Trade with Ministers is uppermost, but we all know that Protection
lurks underneath, and that they would not scruple in the least, if
a good breeze came on which was likely to blow in their favour, to turn
round to that side.

We may expect this coat to be in general use at the opening' of
Parliament, or at all events, the Chancellor of the Exchequer
is sure to come out with it in great style, and to show off its two-fold
uses to the greatest advantage. In (act, it is a matter of great doubt
in our minds, if he is not the registered proprietor, inventor, and god-
father of this Benjamin with Two Sides.

" MAIDSTONE VERSUS MACAULAY !"

O small a poet is Lord Maidstone, that he
is scarcely visible to the naked eye : but the
smallest of things may be the most irritable.
Did not the learned, the philosophic Gassen-
dus submit a very, very small insect—not
acknowledged in polite life—to the test of a
microscope ? And then, irritating the afore-
said insect for the purposes of science, did
he not behold the blood rush through and
through its heart, that little speck dilating
and contracting even as the heart of a giant ?
Now what Gassendus did to that helpless
little creature, Mr. Macaulay has done to
poet Maidstone : showing him up, by his so
potent art, even as he is to the people of
England. Maidstone, however, unlike the
victim of Gassendus, and like Orson in the
fairy tale, Maidstone is endowed with reason:
and therefore he takes to himself a pen, and
with it pricks away at the oratorical historian
and M.P. for Edinburgh. Maidstone says—and no doubt Macaulay
trembles—" In the meantime ' Gare a qui me touche ! ' " or, in plain
English, " Beware who touches me." This is a very awful warning,
but then, Lobd Maidstone must perceive that such warning may
apply as well to weasels as to lions.

JUSTICE AT BATH.

In our last number but one, we felicitated Sir James Rivers,
Bart., on the luck that brought him before a Bath Bench, charged with
violent assaults, instead of finding himself in the presence of Mr.
Hardwick. We, moreover, condemned the Bath magistracy for
taking money of the Baronet, in lieu of packing him for awhile to gaol.
It seems that the Metropolitan Act alone enables metropolitan magis-
trates to do this; county and city Magistrates elsewhere can only
fine, and in default of payment, imprison. Thus, we would advise Sir
James Rivers to ponder well ere he tempts the dangers of London.
In the Metropolis, a " gentleman " given to assaults may find himself
in the House of Correction with his hair cropped. But in the county
of Somerset, there would be a difference even with Somerset. " Go
to Bath and get your head shaved," does not apply to Baronets who
damage railway servants and policemen.

A Bishop in a Gig!

Mr. S. G. Osborne wishes to have Gig-Bishops ! Imagine a Bishop
in a Gig! Why, it is morally, physically, arithmetically impossible.
As well hope to compress ten thousand per annum into no more than
fifteen hundred a year; the hundreds still containing the thousands.
A Bishop in a Gig ! Why, we shall next hear of a Welsh curate m a
whole coat! _

a long sitting.

Sir Harry Inglis has calculated that, to the opening of the present
Parliament, the Speaker has sat in his chair "no less than 13,000
hours !" Terribie to think that, after such long sittings, so very little
has been hatched.__

The Spirit of the Tablet,

In manifesting his approval of persecution as practised by the Tuscan
tyrant, Mr. Lucas may be considered by his " ecclesiastical superiors
to have gone—for the present, at least—a little too far; and perhaps
they will accordingly desire him to draw in his horns. But what will
be the use of his drawing in his horns, now that everybody has seen
his cloven foot ?