Punch: Punch (23.1852)

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

227

THE DEFENCES OF THE CITY.

our National Defences are oc-
cupying the attention of the
public at large, the citizens of
London—who may be termed,
perhaps, the public at little—are
in a state of anxiety about the
defences of their Cockneydom,
and especially as to the threatened
demolition of Temple Bar. It is
contended that this ugly old bit of
masonry would prove what may
be termed an "ugly customer"
to an invading enemy.

It is argued, also, that though
an incessant fire could only be
kept up in the grate at the end of
the room over the centre arch, a
vast amount of discomfiture could
be inflicted on an enemy by a con-
tinuous stream of water from the
pipes in connection with the
adjacent cistern.

The value of Temple Bar as a
fortification is much impaired by
the rustiness of the hinges of the
principal gate, while theoccupation
of the little donjon on the left, by
an enterprising barber, gives a
sort of neutrality to the ground
comprised in the foot pavement on
one side, and deprives the City
Monarch of the sole sovereignty
of the fortress. Considering the inefficiency with which the whole affair is manned, or rather
womaned—for we believe a char-woman is the only official regularly attached to the Arch—it
is doubtful whether, in case of an attack from the West, anything like resistance could be
relied upon.

It is true there is a sort of picket planted on the eastern side, in the shape of the City
pikeman, who takes toll of the caravansera entering the Civic States ; but it must be

remembered that the Bar is already passed when
that tribute is exacted, and that the pikeman
might be easily surrounded, surprised, and put to
the whip, before any help could be obtained from
the Bar, even supposing there should be any at
hand, which is quite improbable.

If Temple Bar is to be kept as a civic defence,
it is only reasonable that the whole of the
Cockney lines should be fortified, for we do not
see why the West End should be the only point
at which invasion is to be looked for. Why, for
instance, should there be any special faith, put
in the wild and wandering tribes of Clerkenwell,
who might pour down their native hills of Saffron,
overrunning the vast plain of Farringdon and
bubbling over into Bridge Street, thus swamping
the fair levels of Cockney Land at their most
valuable point, which lies at the foot of the rich
Hill of Ludgate.

If Temple Bar is to be preserved, surely Black-
friars should be fortified, and Cannon Street de-
fended by a restoration of the imaginary cannons
from which it may have pussibly obtained its title.

We would, however, propose the abolition of
Temple Bar, which fortifies the City against
nothing but its friends and customers. The
only difficulty might be with the barber who
has planted himself firmly in the base of the
fabric, and in the affections of his customers;
but there is no doubt that upon a reasonable
compensation he would march out with the
honours of war, so that the Bar might be rased
to the ground, and all having business in the
City might be able to

" March on without impediment."

Subject for a Statue. {To be placed in the
House of Commons.)—Disraeli, like Niobe, all
Thiers.

JOHN BULL'S NEW TROUBLES.

A man can't have just what he wants, and no more ;
It never will rain but 'tis certain to pour :
A few years ago, my entire botheration
Was having on hand a too large population.

" Confound it! " I then was accustomed to say,
" I wish I could send half these people away—
These paupers, consuming the fruits of the earth,
And eating up ten limes as much as they 're worth."

I could not check their increase and multiplication,
And wish'd I could bring about cheap Emigration :
Emigration I've got, with a vengeance, at last,
i'm losing my superabundance too fast.

There won't be a servant for hire to be had;

We shall all have to clean our own boots, Sir, egad !

Our wives will be soon forced to cook us our chops,

And scrub their own floors, Sir, and twirl their own mops.

Can nothing be done to induce folks to stay?
Increasing their comforts might be a good way—
Rebuilding, and draining, and cleansing our towns,
Early closing our shops and instructing our clowns.

And then, Sir, there's Gold. I should once have cried, " Stuff!'
Had you said I could ever have more than enough:
But now I am plagued with a surplus of riches
That I can't dispose of in bank, coat, or breeches.

Indeed, I 'm afraid Jike that Ckassus of old,
That I shall be finally choked with my gold,
It being my doom that hard diet to cram on
Because I so long have been worshipping Mammon.

Diogenes Beresford.

Diogenes took a lighted lanthorn in noon-day to seek for an honest
man : did he find what he sought ? On the Duke's funeral the Right
Hon. William Beresfokd took his lanthorn, and, proceeding from
Downing Street to St. Paul's Cathedral, looked for "the rabble." We
understand that the Bight Hon. Gentleman expressed his sense of
disappointment in words of bitterest disgust.

A HINT WORTH ANY MONEY.

Let Mr. Coppock borrow a hint from the way in which the shop-
keepers of the Strand and Eleet Street have been expressing their
grief for the death of the Duke, by exposing in their shop-windows a
model of the Seats that were for sale, and the price of each. Let him,
in his own philanthropic, patriotic way, expose in the windows of the
Carlton Club a model of all the Parliamentary Seats which he has for
sale, and ticket upon each the lowest price for which it is to be bought.
It might induce many a rich customer, eager to tack M.P. on to his
name, to go in to purchase, particularly if he was confident the Seat
wa3 safe, and wai likely to bear him for a long period.

A Pyramid of Bad Jokes.

We offer an entire collection of Punch to any one who can beat
in atrocity the following attempt, which has been sent to us
anonymously:—

"The marriage of Louis Napoleon is to take place, it is said,
immediately after the announcement of the Empire. This lo.' ks d iubly
ominous, for the Empire will not only carry him du mal Em-pire, but
his marriage will also take him from Bad'en to Wasa {Worser) \\\"

The Pantomime of Protection.

The Post says, with respect to the Queen's Speech on Protection—

" A Constitutional Monarch, who speaks by the advice and upon the responsibility
of the official administrators of his Government, cannot adopt and recant opinions as a
Clown in the Pantomime can charige bis motley habiliments."

Certainly not. It is only for a Chancellor of the Exchequer fo
do the bottle-trick. By the way, it is said that Mr. Disbaeli has
already done more than go into a bottle; namely, he has corked
himself up.

taking down our national pride.
We understand that a proposition is about to be submitted to Par-
liament, that Waterloo Bridge be taken down—in consequence of its
name, which might be calculated to wound the feelings of Erenchmen
arriving at the terminus of the South-Western Railway.

Two Subjects rigidly excluded from Genial Conversation.
-The Rights of Woman; and the Wrongs of Ireland.