DOI issue:
January to June, 1853
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16611#0115
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i07
Rights! Going- at Ten Pounds. Going. Bill of Bights! Going.
Magna Charta ! Going !—going—going—going—Habeas Corpus !—
Gone !
And Mr. Edwardes Coppocks knocks down the precious Lot, who,
thereupon, rolls off his barrel amid the cheers and laughter of the
spectators.
NOT A BAD CUSTOMER.
Fortunate Digger (loq.) " Half a hogshead of Port, waiter, and a ton or two
of your best Cigars." [See Times, "Australian Intelligence," Feb. 9.
I ---- __ __
SHORT PLEA FOR SHORT-HAND.
We observe, with sympathy, that the poor reporters in the House
of Commons have been making new appeals to the Ventilators, as the
officials facetiously call themselves—though., by the way, as ventilator,
according to the Latin Dictionary, means, secondarily, " a juggler, a
hocus-pocus man," the name may not be so unsuitable as it appears,
i The gentlemen in the gallery speak of "ice-cold air, suddenly forced
down upon their heads, when the chamber is at its hottest," to the
rapid propagation of colds, coughs, deafnesses, rheumatisms, and all
sorts of afflictions, from a sneeze to an influenza. It seems, too, that
the ladies are the proximate causes of this. The statement is shocking,
but true, as in order to keep their brass-grated gallery cool and com-
fortable, doors are set open, and the unhappy reporters below—not
sufficiently distracted by the charming _ chatter and laughter of their
fair neighbours—-are thus cruelly " ventilated " for their benefit.
Now, of course, it is of the utmost importance that Lady Adeline
Amtjndeville and her girls should be able to hear Loud Henry's
speech without having to wait for the Times in the morning; that
Mrs. Babbi and her black-eyed party, including the rich young Jewess
from Frankfort, should see Parliament, among the other sights of
London; and that good-natured Mbs. Guy Flouncey should bring in
her bevy of laughing young friends to hear Mb. Disraeli scorch Sib
1 James with his sarcasms, and to giggle at Colonel Sibthobp's
volcanic bursts of political virtue. But whether these important
objects might not be obtained without a holocaust of reporters (many
of whom have families) is a consideration worthy of a humane Senate.
Why, we would ask, are the ladies to be thrust out of sight at all,
and obliged to reverse the rule given to little boys, by being heard and
not seen ? Why, gentlemen Commons, do you not admit them into the
i chamber ? Your betters do it, in the House of Lords, which is also
a much finer house than your big box, with its roof like the bottom of
a barge, its Catherine-wheels and inverted parasols for lights, and its
foolish monsters grinning in the vulgar windows. Why not put the
ladies in that comfortable gallery over the clock, usually empty, except
when a Peer looks in to hear whether his nominee can speak, or when
Bam Chtjndeb Bung Jowl, and his interpreter Db. Mc. Ctjttysabk
are brought that the Mofussilite may comprehend the working of the
British Constitution by seeing how the attorneys can "whip" against
a law reform bill, or how speedily fifty members can vote away five
millions of taxes. Give that pleasant gallery to the ladies, and let the
Mabquis op Steyne and Bam Bung sit in the pews below. Are you
ashamed of being seen lounging and yawning ? Is it that the Brigade
is hardly the thing you like to be seen fraternizing with ? Do you ever
pretend to your wives that you have been at the House when you have
actually been at play or at the play, and you fear being bowled out by a
sudden visit and an Opera glass. Speramus meliora, yes, and will even
believe better of you, despite the Election Committees.
So, gentlemen, be good enough to provide for the ladies in the
House, shut up their present gallery, and do shew a little gratitude to
those who Murrayfy your grammar, and transmute your stammering
and floundering speeches into Ciceronian eloquence.
As for the reporters, if the Ventilators, or " hocus-pocus men," will
do nothing for them, why do they not put their hats on? By a
transcendant fiction of the House, strangers are invisible, and who
shall arraign them, moreover, for imitating the habits of those whose
words they are bound to copy ? _ And if Lobd Charles Btjssell (a
civil man enough) sends up a polite message on the subject, let him,
with equal politeness, be asked to change his arm-chair for a gallery
stall for an hour, and so comprehend the position. His Lordship's
health might suffer, but there would be a large balance in his favour,
on account of the improvement of his company.
DEATH IN THE JAM-POT.
The Analytical Commissioners of the Lancet have been dipping
their fingers lately into the preserve-pots of the Metropolis, and " Ohe,
jam satis!" must, we fancy, be the exclamation of everybody who
reads their Beport. For, among other pleasant discoveries, we find it
stated,
" That the raspberry jam analysed contained a very considerable quantity of
copper. That the four samples of gooseberry jam examined all contained copper.
That copper, sometimes in large amount, was detected in 12 of the 14 samples of
orange marmalade analysed. That the nine samples of greengage jam were all more
or less impregnated with copper, it being present in considerable amount in five of the
samples. That the greengages contained in three different boxes of crystallised fruits
all owed their deep green colour to the presence of copper. That the limes and green-
gages present in a little glass jar of fruit preserved in jelly also owed their brilliant
colour to a salt of copper. That copper was detected in no less than 33 of the 35
samples of different preserves analysed; three contained traces only; in 11 the metal
was present in small quantity; and in 19, either in considerable or even very large
amount.''
Preserve us from preserves, say we, in future ! Even as it is, we
own an introspection makes us anything but comfortable, and we
tremble to think of how many internal coats of copper we may
incautiously have given ourselves. In our fondness for the jam, we
fear indeed we have been playing "old gooseberry" with our con-
stitution ; and we should certainly be making very decided gooseberry
fools of ourselves if we were any longer to partake of it.
Before the Lancet's searching fingers
Had found the limes where copper lingers,
that fruit, we confess, was a confirmed weakness of ours : but the
"little glass jar," which was analysed as above, has proved quite a
jar of electricity to us, such a shock has it imparted to our nervous
system. Nor have we any longer an appetite for crystallised green-
gages : for, knowing now to what they owe their colour, we should be
" deep green" ourselves if we ventured any more to taste them.
With the above appalling facts before them, we would seriously
recommend any of our readers who may have a " sweet tooth " in their
heads, to go immediately to the dentist's, and have it out. There is no
telling how soon it may eat them into danger.
Railway Assurance.
We understand it is in contemplation, by some of the principal
Bailway Companies, to try the experiment of starting, daily, a
guaranteed train, for the accommodation of those who are desirous
of being secured against accidents. There will be no difficulty in
carrying out this arrangement, as it has been proved that caution is the
only thing wanting to prevent the sacrifice of life; and preference
tickets may be easily issued at an advanced price, entitling the holder
to safe conduct to the end of his journey.
analysis op the deluge.
We have inflicted upon ourselves the punishment (which, we hope,
will be looked upon as more than ample penance for all our literary
sins) of wading through Lobd Maidstone's Deluge, and have found
at the bottom of it nothing but what Mons. Billot would call " a
page of mud." _
Prince Albert's Band.
Fob some time past the papers have resounded with the harmonious
intentions of Pbince Albebt, to make one of his regimental bands the
most perfect combination of military music. Seeing that His Boyal
Highness is appointed (over the heads of veterans) to the Grenadier
Guards at £3000, if he had foregone the band it would certainly not
have been for want of brass.
Rights! Going- at Ten Pounds. Going. Bill of Bights! Going.
Magna Charta ! Going !—going—going—going—Habeas Corpus !—
Gone !
And Mr. Edwardes Coppocks knocks down the precious Lot, who,
thereupon, rolls off his barrel amid the cheers and laughter of the
spectators.
NOT A BAD CUSTOMER.
Fortunate Digger (loq.) " Half a hogshead of Port, waiter, and a ton or two
of your best Cigars." [See Times, "Australian Intelligence," Feb. 9.
I ---- __ __
SHORT PLEA FOR SHORT-HAND.
We observe, with sympathy, that the poor reporters in the House
of Commons have been making new appeals to the Ventilators, as the
officials facetiously call themselves—though., by the way, as ventilator,
according to the Latin Dictionary, means, secondarily, " a juggler, a
hocus-pocus man," the name may not be so unsuitable as it appears,
i The gentlemen in the gallery speak of "ice-cold air, suddenly forced
down upon their heads, when the chamber is at its hottest," to the
rapid propagation of colds, coughs, deafnesses, rheumatisms, and all
sorts of afflictions, from a sneeze to an influenza. It seems, too, that
the ladies are the proximate causes of this. The statement is shocking,
but true, as in order to keep their brass-grated gallery cool and com-
fortable, doors are set open, and the unhappy reporters below—not
sufficiently distracted by the charming _ chatter and laughter of their
fair neighbours—-are thus cruelly " ventilated " for their benefit.
Now, of course, it is of the utmost importance that Lady Adeline
Amtjndeville and her girls should be able to hear Loud Henry's
speech without having to wait for the Times in the morning; that
Mrs. Babbi and her black-eyed party, including the rich young Jewess
from Frankfort, should see Parliament, among the other sights of
London; and that good-natured Mbs. Guy Flouncey should bring in
her bevy of laughing young friends to hear Mb. Disraeli scorch Sib
1 James with his sarcasms, and to giggle at Colonel Sibthobp's
volcanic bursts of political virtue. But whether these important
objects might not be obtained without a holocaust of reporters (many
of whom have families) is a consideration worthy of a humane Senate.
Why, we would ask, are the ladies to be thrust out of sight at all,
and obliged to reverse the rule given to little boys, by being heard and
not seen ? Why, gentlemen Commons, do you not admit them into the
i chamber ? Your betters do it, in the House of Lords, which is also
a much finer house than your big box, with its roof like the bottom of
a barge, its Catherine-wheels and inverted parasols for lights, and its
foolish monsters grinning in the vulgar windows. Why not put the
ladies in that comfortable gallery over the clock, usually empty, except
when a Peer looks in to hear whether his nominee can speak, or when
Bam Chtjndeb Bung Jowl, and his interpreter Db. Mc. Ctjttysabk
are brought that the Mofussilite may comprehend the working of the
British Constitution by seeing how the attorneys can "whip" against
a law reform bill, or how speedily fifty members can vote away five
millions of taxes. Give that pleasant gallery to the ladies, and let the
Mabquis op Steyne and Bam Bung sit in the pews below. Are you
ashamed of being seen lounging and yawning ? Is it that the Brigade
is hardly the thing you like to be seen fraternizing with ? Do you ever
pretend to your wives that you have been at the House when you have
actually been at play or at the play, and you fear being bowled out by a
sudden visit and an Opera glass. Speramus meliora, yes, and will even
believe better of you, despite the Election Committees.
So, gentlemen, be good enough to provide for the ladies in the
House, shut up their present gallery, and do shew a little gratitude to
those who Murrayfy your grammar, and transmute your stammering
and floundering speeches into Ciceronian eloquence.
As for the reporters, if the Ventilators, or " hocus-pocus men," will
do nothing for them, why do they not put their hats on? By a
transcendant fiction of the House, strangers are invisible, and who
shall arraign them, moreover, for imitating the habits of those whose
words they are bound to copy ? _ And if Lobd Charles Btjssell (a
civil man enough) sends up a polite message on the subject, let him,
with equal politeness, be asked to change his arm-chair for a gallery
stall for an hour, and so comprehend the position. His Lordship's
health might suffer, but there would be a large balance in his favour,
on account of the improvement of his company.
DEATH IN THE JAM-POT.
The Analytical Commissioners of the Lancet have been dipping
their fingers lately into the preserve-pots of the Metropolis, and " Ohe,
jam satis!" must, we fancy, be the exclamation of everybody who
reads their Beport. For, among other pleasant discoveries, we find it
stated,
" That the raspberry jam analysed contained a very considerable quantity of
copper. That the four samples of gooseberry jam examined all contained copper.
That copper, sometimes in large amount, was detected in 12 of the 14 samples of
orange marmalade analysed. That the nine samples of greengage jam were all more
or less impregnated with copper, it being present in considerable amount in five of the
samples. That the greengages contained in three different boxes of crystallised fruits
all owed their deep green colour to the presence of copper. That the limes and green-
gages present in a little glass jar of fruit preserved in jelly also owed their brilliant
colour to a salt of copper. That copper was detected in no less than 33 of the 35
samples of different preserves analysed; three contained traces only; in 11 the metal
was present in small quantity; and in 19, either in considerable or even very large
amount.''
Preserve us from preserves, say we, in future ! Even as it is, we
own an introspection makes us anything but comfortable, and we
tremble to think of how many internal coats of copper we may
incautiously have given ourselves. In our fondness for the jam, we
fear indeed we have been playing "old gooseberry" with our con-
stitution ; and we should certainly be making very decided gooseberry
fools of ourselves if we were any longer to partake of it.
Before the Lancet's searching fingers
Had found the limes where copper lingers,
that fruit, we confess, was a confirmed weakness of ours : but the
"little glass jar," which was analysed as above, has proved quite a
jar of electricity to us, such a shock has it imparted to our nervous
system. Nor have we any longer an appetite for crystallised green-
gages : for, knowing now to what they owe their colour, we should be
" deep green" ourselves if we ventured any more to taste them.
With the above appalling facts before them, we would seriously
recommend any of our readers who may have a " sweet tooth " in their
heads, to go immediately to the dentist's, and have it out. There is no
telling how soon it may eat them into danger.
Railway Assurance.
We understand it is in contemplation, by some of the principal
Bailway Companies, to try the experiment of starting, daily, a
guaranteed train, for the accommodation of those who are desirous
of being secured against accidents. There will be no difficulty in
carrying out this arrangement, as it has been proved that caution is the
only thing wanting to prevent the sacrifice of life; and preference
tickets may be easily issued at an advanced price, entitling the holder
to safe conduct to the end of his journey.
analysis op the deluge.
We have inflicted upon ourselves the punishment (which, we hope,
will be looked upon as more than ample penance for all our literary
sins) of wading through Lobd Maidstone's Deluge, and have found
at the bottom of it nothing but what Mons. Billot would call " a
page of mud." _
Prince Albert's Band.
Fob some time past the papers have resounded with the harmonious
intentions of Pbince Albebt, to make one of his regimental bands the
most perfect combination of military music. Seeing that His Boyal
Highness is appointed (over the heads of veterans) to the Grenadier
Guards at £3000, if he had foregone the band it would certainly not
have been for want of brass.