DOI issue:
January to June, 1853
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16611#0150
142
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
the milk since I have kept it until mistress should have well got over her
honeymoon!
Here Fred laughed outrageously; though, as I said, I could see
nothing to laugh at. So he went on.
—"' Which must be my excuse for bettering myself on so short a notice :
as I never should have thought of taking on me to keep the house (though
here I must say the "Flitch" is as clean and as sweet as a rose), if I'd
had any thoughts of the young man—(he's got two cows already, and hopes
to have another by the time we marry)—who has offered for me. And I
beg to say that, though I 've been in keep of the house, and had it all to
myself—I do beg to say that I've never once asked William (which is his
name) over the threshold, but that all that has passed has been at the
garden^gate in the open eyes of the world. I am happy to say that every-
thing's prospered under my hands at the "Mitch" which mistress will find—
and the stock is gone up which, as William says, shows there's a blessing
upon me—not that I'm silly enough to take all a doting sweetheart says as
if it was writ in a book. Still, the fowls have laid wonderful, and there
promises to be no end of pigeons. If William and me—as he says—is
half as lucky with our pigs, we may—saving your presence in his own
words—soon have a " Flitch " of our own.'—
" Like the creature's insolence," said I, and I couldn't help it.
" Yery presumptuous, indeed," replied Fred, looking comically.
" Yery. ' Flitch,' indeed! such people should be satisfied -with a
' Raster.' But let's finish the missive. "lis now soon over.
" ' I'm to be married on Monday next which is early ; but I do it on my
own accord and by the best advice of my well-wishers: for I have heard
that William has offered afore, and nothing has come of it. So shall
make sure of Monday ; as, if I may say so, there's many a slip atween the
husband and the lip. I'll keep the key, if it will accommodate to the last
minute afore going to church ; and am yours humbly to command—■
"' Susannah Bagster.'
" ' P.S. Mistress will be glad to hear that the cockatoo pines and takes
on after her like any Christian. And further that Rajah the parrot makes
the whole neighbourhood scream again now calling " Charlotte " and
now "Lottst." But some birds is more sensible than any of us two-legged
creatures.'
"Now, what do you think of that?" said I. "Why, I'd have
trusted that girl with—-yes, with untold gold."
" To be sure, Lottt. That's why you locked up the plate-chest.
But untold gold is one matter—the untold love of a milkman another."
" Now, dear Fred, don't be foolish. To leave the house at such a
warning ! Well, I do think at least she might have waited until I had
returned."
" She might," said Fred ; " but perhaps the milkman wouldn't.
Poor soul! I don't see why she should wait for your moon waning
out—"
" Waning out, Fred ! Well, that is an expression—"
" Before her moon should begin to shine. Honeymoons may be as
thick as stars. Any way, now the matter's settled, I'm very glad— "
and Fred spoke with great earnestness for such a subject—"very glad
indeed of the rnilkman's choice. I shall patronise him for his humanity.
Of course, she never before had an offer—"
" Why, there was a talk, Sir," said Josephine, who had come in,
and I'd allowed to remain—" there was a talk of a private soldier."
" Soldier," cried Fred drily. " How ! Food for powder."—
" No, Sir," said Josephine, whom I immediately ordered out of the
room—" no, Sir, for it never come to nothing."
Fred, with a loud laugh, declared that when it was all over 'twould
be quite a relief to his mind. I couldn't help wondering what the
creature had to do with him.
" Creature," echoed Fred, and then he went on. " My dear, I have
observed that on several occasions you have spoken of certain folks as
creatures— "
"There's no harm in that," I cried, a little twitted. " What should
I call 'em?"
" Yery true : there is no harm in it, and what should you call 'em ?
It is quite right • very estimable of you. Because, my love, when you
speak of low and humble folk as creatures ; of course in your humility,
your Christian lowliness, you think and speak of 'em as fellow-
creatures. After such fashion even duchesses may talk of charwomen.
But to return to Susannah— "
" I think we've had quite enough of her, and I shall answer
Mamma and beg her at once to send the creat—the woman about her
business."
" Very good, Lottx ; and for the future, if you value the peace of
mind of your inferior moiety, myself—take good heed that you never
have a skeleton in the house."
" I should think not," said I.
" Don't be confident, my love; it's presumptuous," said Fred.
" What says the saying : there's a skeleton in every house. But there
will, there shall be none in ours—therefore do I rejoice in the going
away of Susannah."
" Why, what has she to do — "
Fred with uplifted finger and solemn face stopped me short. " My
dear, Susannah was ill-favoured; plain; nay—the milkman not
hearing me—I will call Susannah ugly. Now, my dear, in your
future engagements, try the other side of the question. Pay extra
wages for extra beauty."
"Indeed, Sir"—I called him Sir—"indeed, I shall do no such
thing. Why should I?"
"Why? To display the liberality of your sex; for, in a word,
Lotty, I will have no skeleton, if I can help it, in^my house."
" 1 don't know what you call a skeleton," I replied.
" Then listen, my love "—and he would take my hand between his—
" listen and learn. Skeletons are of various sorts; dwarf skeletons,
giant skeletons. But, to my mind, the worst skeleton in a house is—
an ugly house-maid."
SOCRATES IN THE NURSERY.
ne of the Training Schools for
Nurses advertises that it is
ready to receive Probation-
ers. Testimonials are to be
sent in, and the candidates
are to attend on an appointed
day to undergo an examina-
tion. Mr. Punch greatly ap-
proves of the institution, and
.in order to further its objects
is happy to print a copy of
the examination paper which
is to be furnished to appli-
cants. He recommends it
not only to the attention of
those who may intend to
become Probationers, but to
all who may be entrusted
with the guardianship of his
young friends the rising gene-
ration.
1. State your acquaint-
ance_ with Bogy, and your
opinion as to the desirability
of referring to him in cases of fractiousness.
2. In the case of a child pertinaciously refusing to go to sleep, give
the examiner _ your idea of the proper treatment, and whether an
imitation goblin or Godfrey's cordial is, in your judgment, the pre-
ferable soporific.
3. At what period of a difference between yourself and your
charge do you introduce the name of the horrid black man in the
cellar ?
4. In the event of a youthful party making enquiries after its Papa
or Malnma, do you apprise it that the parent in question is gone
to Bobberty-shooty to shave the monkies, or what other information
do you supply ?
5. What amount of gold hobby-horses, diamond shoes, and bran-
sdver-new-nothings-to-put-round-its-neck do you promise a child when
your ship comes home, and what date do you assign to that feat in
navigation ?
6. Supposing there is reasonable ground for thinking that an infant
cries because a pin is running into it, do you adopt the prevalent belief
that the speediest relief is caused by a good slap upon the afflicted
region ?
7. Is it your opinion that any promise which will take a child quietly
out of the room, or to bed, may conscientiously be made, and that the
only promise which should be faithfullyjedeemed is one of castigation ?
8. Do you recommend bribe or threat as the best means of preventing
a child from telling its Mamma that your Cousin in the Life-Guards
came to tea and stopped to supper ?
Dental Anatomy for Roman Doctors.
The grinder—or incisor—presented by the Pope to the Emperob
oe Austria, has been the subject of numerous comments implying
doubt as to the authenticity of the relic. One incredulous person says
that the alleged St. Peter's tooth is a mere bite. Another sceptic
thinks it was the lost wise tooth of Infallibihty. A third declares it is
one of the teeth of evidence against which the Papacy makes its pre-
tensions. A fourth considers that the dental gift came with peculiar
significance from the head of a priesthood which inculcates Dens's
Theology.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
the milk since I have kept it until mistress should have well got over her
honeymoon!
Here Fred laughed outrageously; though, as I said, I could see
nothing to laugh at. So he went on.
—"' Which must be my excuse for bettering myself on so short a notice :
as I never should have thought of taking on me to keep the house (though
here I must say the "Flitch" is as clean and as sweet as a rose), if I'd
had any thoughts of the young man—(he's got two cows already, and hopes
to have another by the time we marry)—who has offered for me. And I
beg to say that, though I 've been in keep of the house, and had it all to
myself—I do beg to say that I've never once asked William (which is his
name) over the threshold, but that all that has passed has been at the
garden^gate in the open eyes of the world. I am happy to say that every-
thing's prospered under my hands at the "Mitch" which mistress will find—
and the stock is gone up which, as William says, shows there's a blessing
upon me—not that I'm silly enough to take all a doting sweetheart says as
if it was writ in a book. Still, the fowls have laid wonderful, and there
promises to be no end of pigeons. If William and me—as he says—is
half as lucky with our pigs, we may—saving your presence in his own
words—soon have a " Flitch " of our own.'—
" Like the creature's insolence," said I, and I couldn't help it.
" Yery presumptuous, indeed," replied Fred, looking comically.
" Yery. ' Flitch,' indeed! such people should be satisfied -with a
' Raster.' But let's finish the missive. "lis now soon over.
" ' I'm to be married on Monday next which is early ; but I do it on my
own accord and by the best advice of my well-wishers: for I have heard
that William has offered afore, and nothing has come of it. So shall
make sure of Monday ; as, if I may say so, there's many a slip atween the
husband and the lip. I'll keep the key, if it will accommodate to the last
minute afore going to church ; and am yours humbly to command—■
"' Susannah Bagster.'
" ' P.S. Mistress will be glad to hear that the cockatoo pines and takes
on after her like any Christian. And further that Rajah the parrot makes
the whole neighbourhood scream again now calling " Charlotte " and
now "Lottst." But some birds is more sensible than any of us two-legged
creatures.'
"Now, what do you think of that?" said I. "Why, I'd have
trusted that girl with—-yes, with untold gold."
" To be sure, Lottt. That's why you locked up the plate-chest.
But untold gold is one matter—the untold love of a milkman another."
" Now, dear Fred, don't be foolish. To leave the house at such a
warning ! Well, I do think at least she might have waited until I had
returned."
" She might," said Fred ; " but perhaps the milkman wouldn't.
Poor soul! I don't see why she should wait for your moon waning
out—"
" Waning out, Fred ! Well, that is an expression—"
" Before her moon should begin to shine. Honeymoons may be as
thick as stars. Any way, now the matter's settled, I'm very glad— "
and Fred spoke with great earnestness for such a subject—"very glad
indeed of the rnilkman's choice. I shall patronise him for his humanity.
Of course, she never before had an offer—"
" Why, there was a talk, Sir," said Josephine, who had come in,
and I'd allowed to remain—" there was a talk of a private soldier."
" Soldier," cried Fred drily. " How ! Food for powder."—
" No, Sir," said Josephine, whom I immediately ordered out of the
room—" no, Sir, for it never come to nothing."
Fred, with a loud laugh, declared that when it was all over 'twould
be quite a relief to his mind. I couldn't help wondering what the
creature had to do with him.
" Creature," echoed Fred, and then he went on. " My dear, I have
observed that on several occasions you have spoken of certain folks as
creatures— "
"There's no harm in that," I cried, a little twitted. " What should
I call 'em?"
" Yery true : there is no harm in it, and what should you call 'em ?
It is quite right • very estimable of you. Because, my love, when you
speak of low and humble folk as creatures ; of course in your humility,
your Christian lowliness, you think and speak of 'em as fellow-
creatures. After such fashion even duchesses may talk of charwomen.
But to return to Susannah— "
" I think we've had quite enough of her, and I shall answer
Mamma and beg her at once to send the creat—the woman about her
business."
" Very good, Lottx ; and for the future, if you value the peace of
mind of your inferior moiety, myself—take good heed that you never
have a skeleton in the house."
" I should think not," said I.
" Don't be confident, my love; it's presumptuous," said Fred.
" What says the saying : there's a skeleton in every house. But there
will, there shall be none in ours—therefore do I rejoice in the going
away of Susannah."
" Why, what has she to do — "
Fred with uplifted finger and solemn face stopped me short. " My
dear, Susannah was ill-favoured; plain; nay—the milkman not
hearing me—I will call Susannah ugly. Now, my dear, in your
future engagements, try the other side of the question. Pay extra
wages for extra beauty."
"Indeed, Sir"—I called him Sir—"indeed, I shall do no such
thing. Why should I?"
"Why? To display the liberality of your sex; for, in a word,
Lotty, I will have no skeleton, if I can help it, in^my house."
" 1 don't know what you call a skeleton," I replied.
" Then listen, my love "—and he would take my hand between his—
" listen and learn. Skeletons are of various sorts; dwarf skeletons,
giant skeletons. But, to my mind, the worst skeleton in a house is—
an ugly house-maid."
SOCRATES IN THE NURSERY.
ne of the Training Schools for
Nurses advertises that it is
ready to receive Probation-
ers. Testimonials are to be
sent in, and the candidates
are to attend on an appointed
day to undergo an examina-
tion. Mr. Punch greatly ap-
proves of the institution, and
.in order to further its objects
is happy to print a copy of
the examination paper which
is to be furnished to appli-
cants. He recommends it
not only to the attention of
those who may intend to
become Probationers, but to
all who may be entrusted
with the guardianship of his
young friends the rising gene-
ration.
1. State your acquaint-
ance_ with Bogy, and your
opinion as to the desirability
of referring to him in cases of fractiousness.
2. In the case of a child pertinaciously refusing to go to sleep, give
the examiner _ your idea of the proper treatment, and whether an
imitation goblin or Godfrey's cordial is, in your judgment, the pre-
ferable soporific.
3. At what period of a difference between yourself and your
charge do you introduce the name of the horrid black man in the
cellar ?
4. In the event of a youthful party making enquiries after its Papa
or Malnma, do you apprise it that the parent in question is gone
to Bobberty-shooty to shave the monkies, or what other information
do you supply ?
5. What amount of gold hobby-horses, diamond shoes, and bran-
sdver-new-nothings-to-put-round-its-neck do you promise a child when
your ship comes home, and what date do you assign to that feat in
navigation ?
6. Supposing there is reasonable ground for thinking that an infant
cries because a pin is running into it, do you adopt the prevalent belief
that the speediest relief is caused by a good slap upon the afflicted
region ?
7. Is it your opinion that any promise which will take a child quietly
out of the room, or to bed, may conscientiously be made, and that the
only promise which should be faithfullyjedeemed is one of castigation ?
8. Do you recommend bribe or threat as the best means of preventing
a child from telling its Mamma that your Cousin in the Life-Guards
came to tea and stopped to supper ?
Dental Anatomy for Roman Doctors.
The grinder—or incisor—presented by the Pope to the Emperob
oe Austria, has been the subject of numerous comments implying
doubt as to the authenticity of the relic. One incredulous person says
that the alleged St. Peter's tooth is a mere bite. Another sceptic
thinks it was the lost wise tooth of Infallibihty. A third declares it is
one of the teeth of evidence against which the Papacy makes its pre-
tensions. A fourth considers that the dental gift came with peculiar
significance from the head of a priesthood which inculcates Dens's
Theology.