DOI issue:
January to June, 1853
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16611#0202
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKA.
Cousin Emily. " And so it's Little Alfred's birthday to-morrow. Now,
what would he like best for a present?"
Alfred {after much reflection). "Why, i think i should like a—I should like
a Testament—and—a—a—and—Oh, / know ! I should like a Squirt ! ! "
ODE ON THE ISLE OE WIGHT SAVINGS'
BANK.
To Mr. Calcraft.
Although, friend Calcraft? I incline
Against judicial strangulation.
And 1 hink we might wind up your line,
Allowing you fair compensation :
Albeit I could wish the drop
Brought altogether to a stop,
So far from wanting, in the least:, to see
The restoration of the good old times,
When, thick as apples, upon Tyburn tree,
Small rascals expiated petty crimes :
Good Calcraft, notwithstanding that
About a fellow-creature's throat
I would not have your fasten your cravat,
Because the scoundrel forged a five-pound note;
Or dislocate a villain's neck
Merely for passin - a fictitious cheque:
Yet there 's one species of offender,
A caitiff so detestable; a wretch
So base, so cruel, that I could surrender,
Almost, that special miscreant to Jack Ketch.
If any man is hanged for any thing,
I think that knave deserves to swing
Whose acts of counterfeit and theft
The poor and frugal have bereft—
The blackguard !—of their little all. _
What hearts are broken through his greed!
Is cutting throats a blacker deed ?
Calcraft, I say, let him be sus. pi r coll.
Whilst by thy hand one malefactor's strung
To gibbet beam; whist yet thou pull'st thy trap;
It is unfair that he should go unhung—
That heartless rogue, that execrable chap,
That lowest reptile in the race of Snobs,
Of criminals the vilest in the rank,
The fittest thief to tread the fatal plank,
That gallows-worthiest vagabond, who robs
A Savings' Bank!
Wicked and Unfeeling Hoax.-—Directing an elderly
gentleman, who wishes to see one of the burlesques upon
Macbeth, to the Princess's.
PRESERVES OF THE SEE OF DURHAM.
A painful mistake has been committed by the Times in the course
of some remarks on the slight increase which has accrued to the Bishop
of Durham's pittance. It shows how cautious all secular writers
(except Mr. Punch) ought to be when they meddle with spiritual
matters. Among certain accounts sent in by the Bishop to the
Ecclesiastical Commissioners, in evidence of his outgoings, our con-
temporary publishes the following little bill:—■
" park, manors, and moors.
Auckland Park, and gamekeeper ....
Me' i'ington garoekeeper ......
Two permanent watchers at Auckland
Weardale gamekeeper . . . .
Two permanent watchers on the Moors
Additional watchers during the grouse season .
Sundr extra expenses attending this department
The chauei at Aucklan Castle ....
The gardens, lawns, and grass walks
£ s. d.
101 0 6
58 6 6
78 0 0
80 0 0
80 0 0
172 15 0
40 0 0
15 0 0
490 19 2
Total £1,116 1 2"
Whereupon the Times very naturally—and therefore very erroneously
—observes, " only £15 worth of bread to all this intolerable deal of
sack! "
This comment is, to repeat the epithet which custom applies to all
observa' ions made at the expense of the cloth, very " painful." Pro-
portionally pleasing is the task of proving it groundless.
Ho w strange that to so acute a journalist as our irreverent contempo-
rary, it should never have occurred that the idea of a Bishop's game-
keeper obviously presents two aspects—may be regarded in a figurative
as well as in a, literal point of view.
The gamekeeper of a Bishop is a person employed to prevent
poaching on the Bishop's manor. And what is a Bishop's manor?
VVhy his diocese of course; and the poachers thereon, who are thev
but the Homanist priests that infest it, with the pseudo prelate, pre-
tending to " govern " it in virtue of having been illegally dubbed by
the Pope, at the head of the band ? The gamekeepers are clergymen
appointed by the lawful Bishop to preserve his spiritual game or flock,
and to frustrate the stratagems and destroy the snares of the illicit one,
and his subordinate depredators. The gardens, lawns, and grass walks,
are the true Protestant grounds of faith and right paths. The docu-
ment, in short, is simply a bill of the charges incurred by the Bishop
in resisting Papal Aggression; the special period thereof being par-
ticularly denoted by the " grouse season;" when it was necessary to
employ " additional watchers."
The word " watchers," indeed, might have suggested to +he Times the
true meaning of the interesting little account which it has misunder-
stood so "painfully." The Times should have considered ^ that the
word may be taken to signify angelic spirits, and that " angel " is often
to be construed, minister of the Church. At any rate, the salaries,
being from £58 odd to £80, and the highest not exceeding £101 ()s. 6d.,
ought to have manifested the fact that the so-called episcopal game-
keepers were simply—Curates.
On Certain Outrageous Puffs.
What Isaac at morn to our Harris supplies,
Our Sairey at evening extols to the skies;
A union, the Radical Volsci to flutter,
The Herald with Butt, and the Standard with Butter.
Scotch Piddle Faddle.
Scotland Las recently been complaining of her position in the
Boyal Arms ; but when we look at her disgraceful drunkenness, we
cannot help feeling that she should be able to keep her own legs
before she talks about her position in the arms of Royalty, We must,
however, admit that she has at least one ground of complaint, for, il
in the Royal shield Ireland is allowed a quarter for her Harp, surely
Scotland might ask another quarter for her Scotch Eiddle.
Cousin Emily. " And so it's Little Alfred's birthday to-morrow. Now,
what would he like best for a present?"
Alfred {after much reflection). "Why, i think i should like a—I should like
a Testament—and—a—a—and—Oh, / know ! I should like a Squirt ! ! "
ODE ON THE ISLE OE WIGHT SAVINGS'
BANK.
To Mr. Calcraft.
Although, friend Calcraft? I incline
Against judicial strangulation.
And 1 hink we might wind up your line,
Allowing you fair compensation :
Albeit I could wish the drop
Brought altogether to a stop,
So far from wanting, in the least:, to see
The restoration of the good old times,
When, thick as apples, upon Tyburn tree,
Small rascals expiated petty crimes :
Good Calcraft, notwithstanding that
About a fellow-creature's throat
I would not have your fasten your cravat,
Because the scoundrel forged a five-pound note;
Or dislocate a villain's neck
Merely for passin - a fictitious cheque:
Yet there 's one species of offender,
A caitiff so detestable; a wretch
So base, so cruel, that I could surrender,
Almost, that special miscreant to Jack Ketch.
If any man is hanged for any thing,
I think that knave deserves to swing
Whose acts of counterfeit and theft
The poor and frugal have bereft—
The blackguard !—of their little all. _
What hearts are broken through his greed!
Is cutting throats a blacker deed ?
Calcraft, I say, let him be sus. pi r coll.
Whilst by thy hand one malefactor's strung
To gibbet beam; whist yet thou pull'st thy trap;
It is unfair that he should go unhung—
That heartless rogue, that execrable chap,
That lowest reptile in the race of Snobs,
Of criminals the vilest in the rank,
The fittest thief to tread the fatal plank,
That gallows-worthiest vagabond, who robs
A Savings' Bank!
Wicked and Unfeeling Hoax.-—Directing an elderly
gentleman, who wishes to see one of the burlesques upon
Macbeth, to the Princess's.
PRESERVES OF THE SEE OF DURHAM.
A painful mistake has been committed by the Times in the course
of some remarks on the slight increase which has accrued to the Bishop
of Durham's pittance. It shows how cautious all secular writers
(except Mr. Punch) ought to be when they meddle with spiritual
matters. Among certain accounts sent in by the Bishop to the
Ecclesiastical Commissioners, in evidence of his outgoings, our con-
temporary publishes the following little bill:—■
" park, manors, and moors.
Auckland Park, and gamekeeper ....
Me' i'ington garoekeeper ......
Two permanent watchers at Auckland
Weardale gamekeeper . . . .
Two permanent watchers on the Moors
Additional watchers during the grouse season .
Sundr extra expenses attending this department
The chauei at Aucklan Castle ....
The gardens, lawns, and grass walks
£ s. d.
101 0 6
58 6 6
78 0 0
80 0 0
80 0 0
172 15 0
40 0 0
15 0 0
490 19 2
Total £1,116 1 2"
Whereupon the Times very naturally—and therefore very erroneously
—observes, " only £15 worth of bread to all this intolerable deal of
sack! "
This comment is, to repeat the epithet which custom applies to all
observa' ions made at the expense of the cloth, very " painful." Pro-
portionally pleasing is the task of proving it groundless.
Ho w strange that to so acute a journalist as our irreverent contempo-
rary, it should never have occurred that the idea of a Bishop's game-
keeper obviously presents two aspects—may be regarded in a figurative
as well as in a, literal point of view.
The gamekeeper of a Bishop is a person employed to prevent
poaching on the Bishop's manor. And what is a Bishop's manor?
VVhy his diocese of course; and the poachers thereon, who are thev
but the Homanist priests that infest it, with the pseudo prelate, pre-
tending to " govern " it in virtue of having been illegally dubbed by
the Pope, at the head of the band ? The gamekeepers are clergymen
appointed by the lawful Bishop to preserve his spiritual game or flock,
and to frustrate the stratagems and destroy the snares of the illicit one,
and his subordinate depredators. The gardens, lawns, and grass walks,
are the true Protestant grounds of faith and right paths. The docu-
ment, in short, is simply a bill of the charges incurred by the Bishop
in resisting Papal Aggression; the special period thereof being par-
ticularly denoted by the " grouse season;" when it was necessary to
employ " additional watchers."
The word " watchers," indeed, might have suggested to +he Times the
true meaning of the interesting little account which it has misunder-
stood so "painfully." The Times should have considered ^ that the
word may be taken to signify angelic spirits, and that " angel " is often
to be construed, minister of the Church. At any rate, the salaries,
being from £58 odd to £80, and the highest not exceeding £101 ()s. 6d.,
ought to have manifested the fact that the so-called episcopal game-
keepers were simply—Curates.
On Certain Outrageous Puffs.
What Isaac at morn to our Harris supplies,
Our Sairey at evening extols to the skies;
A union, the Radical Volsci to flutter,
The Herald with Butt, and the Standard with Butter.
Scotch Piddle Faddle.
Scotland Las recently been complaining of her position in the
Boyal Arms ; but when we look at her disgraceful drunkenness, we
cannot help feeling that she should be able to keep her own legs
before she talks about her position in the arms of Royalty, We must,
however, admit that she has at least one ground of complaint, for, il
in the Royal shield Ireland is allowed a quarter for her Harp, surely
Scotland might ask another quarter for her Scotch Eiddle.