DOI issue:
July to December, 1853
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16612#0041
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
29
CHAGRIN FOR OLD COMMODORES
Recent leading ar-
ticle in the Times
quotes a return,
which has been ob-
tained by; Mb,. Hume,
of certain statistics
relative to flogging
in the Navy; whence
it appears that the
amount of human
torture inflicted on
British sailors, re-
presented in the ag-
gregate by 40,545
lashes during the
year 184S, had de-
clined in 1852 to
17,571. In com-
menting on this de-
crease in the torment of seamen, the Times remarks, that this “ odious species of
punishment is falling more and more into disuse; ” and, moreover, that
“ Anything like a frequent resort to it is taken to reflect discredit, not only upon the whole ship’s
company, hut upon the officers in command.”
If a return could he procured of the number of imprecations uttered on reading
the above passage, by bluff old retired admirals and superannuated sea-captains,
in clubs and coffee-rooms at our various sea-ports, where they are accustomed to
growl over the degeneracy of the service, we should probably be presented with
a startling array of figures. By the stigma which is cast upon the discipline
which these veterans, for the most part, boast of having maintained, their feelings
must be as cruelly lacerated as they themselves ever caused the backs of their
men to be.
THE ECCLESIASTICAL AUCTION MART.
“Deae Punch,
“ Going the other day into an auction-room in a
large commercial town, with the view of purchasing a
small fancy business, I found that having already disposed
of it, and of a cheesemonger’s good-will and stock, the
auctioneer was endeavouring to sell a church, on whose
merits he was expatiating much in the following terms :—
'c Come, Gentlemen, pray give attention
To the Lot I’m now going to sell;
Bor it don’t want a poet’s invention
Its manifold merits to tell.
If a gift, or of praying or preaching,
In any one present has shone,
He may further exemplify each in
The church, now put up, of St. John.
“ It is not some old weather-worn building,
Clad with ivy, and mouldering and grey,
But as fresh as paint, varnish, and gilding
Could make it, ’twas made’t other day;
And if any, who hear me, are pinning
Their faith some one order upon,
I can tell them they ’ll find a beginning
Of all orders and styles, at St. John.
“ It is held of the Town Corporation
Bor a term, at a peppercorn rent.
And will surely reward speculation
To the tune of some fifty per cent.
The fixtures are mats, stools, and hassocks,
And (as second-hand garments to don
Is the fashion with curates) the cassocks
Of the late worthy priest of St. John.
]
:
POISONOUS PUEES.
Something has been done, of late, towards the abatement of nuisances.
Cinder-heaps have been swept away, sewers trapped, cesspools closed, and
laystalls removed from under our noses. There stnl remains, however, a great
deal of noxious and offensive stuff to be got rid of; particularly since, instead of
merely contaminating our air and water, it infects the fountains of our current
information. It taints the library, it defiles the drawing-room table. This grave-
olent evil is the pest of soiled newspapers—journals of ill savour—not imparted
by any fetid sort of printers’ ink, but by vile advertisements, whereat the
physical nostrils, indeed, are not offended: hut the moral nose is in great indig-
nation.
An obscure and narrow street through which few respectable persons, and
no ladies, ever pass, bears a scandalous name, and is considered a disgrace to the
metropolis, by reason of the sort of literature displayed in its windows, which is
precisely of the same quality as the advertisements alluded to ; and these, in the
columns of reputable and even “ serious ” journals, get introduced into families,
and lie about the house, to attract the notice, and obtain the perusal, of the
younger members of the establishment, male and female.
You may take up—or what is of more consequence—your little boy or girl may
take up—a newspaper, and read, on one side of it, a leading article which might
be preached out of a pulpit: on the other a series of turpitudes unfit for utterance
under any circumstances.
These atrocities are heightened to the point of perfection by the circumstance
that they are the puffs of a set of rascally quacks, not the least mischievous of
whose suggestions are the recommendations of their own medicines—poison for
the body which they vend to simpletons, whilst they disseminate mental poison
gratis, both in the advertisements themselves, and in books which form the
subject of them, in addition to the other poison.
As the newspaper-proprietors whose journals are sullied by these putrescences
may be of opinion that the odour of gain, from whatever source derived, is agree-
able, and, therefore, preserve them as rather fragrant than otherwise, the following
exhortation has been addressed to their customers :—
“ It rests with you—with you alone, newspaper readers, to stop the torrent. And you can do it,
without expense, and with but little self-denial. Let each individual that receives this appeal
write without delay to the editor of the paper he reads, whenever he sees it defiled by one of these
easily-recognised advertisements, and say that, unless its insertion is discontinued, he canuot, in
conscience, any longer patronise the publication. Whatever your station may be, you can do
something; and the higher it is, the greater is your influence and responsibility. On country
gentlemen rests mainly the persistence of the evil in provincial papers; they can, and we trust
they will stop it. Let, too, each one of you that are advertisers, he you publishers, men of business,
authors, masters seeking servants, or servants seeking masters, refuse to appear any more in such
company, and let it be known at the newspaper office why you withhold your patronage.”
The above paragraph is extracted from the prospectus of a society which has
been formed for the special purpose of suppressing this villanous puffery. The
association is entitled “ The Union for Discouragement of Vicious Advertise-
ments ; ” and we hope _ it will succeed in closing a channel of communication
which has all the qualities, except the utility, of a gutter.
“ If the sittings (not counting the free seats
Which are placed in the draught near the door),
Be computed, I think there must be seats
Bor nine hundred pew-renters or more ;
Then the district quite swarms with young ladies.
And the tenant who’s recently gone,
Brom the slippers they worked him, quite paid his
Clerk, sexton, and choir of St. John.
By the bishop its licence was granted ;
But the owners no bid will reject—
As the cash is immediately wanted—
Brom any persuasion or sect.
There, the Jumper may practise gymnastics ;
There the Ranter’s glib tongue may run on;
Turks or Hindoos, or Buddhists, or Aztecs,
May use, if they pay for, St. John.
“ Ha! a Thousand ! a Rapper then offers;
Bifteen hundred ! the Mormons exclaim.
Come, Gentlemen, open your coffers,
Bor your biddings are terribly tame.
Two thousand ! Not half enough ! Yet it
Must go to the Rappers; Going ! Gone !
The key’s with the sexton. Sir; get it.
And yours is the church of St. John.”
OUR METEOROLOGICAL REPORT.
The public is much indebted to a gentleman named
Lowe, who lives at Bermondsey, and writes every day
to the Times, to inform the world which way the wind
blew on the preceding day, how much rain fell late in
the evening, what amount of cloud was floating about
at a particular hour of the day, and other equally interesting
particulars. On Tuesday this gentleman reports his detec-
tion of some “ cirri,” and he kindly writes to the Times
to give the world the benefit of the discovery.
Anxious to make ourselves generally useful, we have
attempted a few meteorological observations on our own
account, and the following is the report we have to offer
Barometer fell—to the ground and smashed.
Thermometer rose to blood heat—having been turned
upside down by an infant.
Direction of wind—right in our own face.
Amount of rain—001. in. in our umbrella stand.
Am mint of cloud—9 from our own tobacco-pipe. Should
our scientific observations as recorded above tend to throw
any light upon anything, we are more than satisfied.
29
CHAGRIN FOR OLD COMMODORES
Recent leading ar-
ticle in the Times
quotes a return,
which has been ob-
tained by; Mb,. Hume,
of certain statistics
relative to flogging
in the Navy; whence
it appears that the
amount of human
torture inflicted on
British sailors, re-
presented in the ag-
gregate by 40,545
lashes during the
year 184S, had de-
clined in 1852 to
17,571. In com-
menting on this de-
crease in the torment of seamen, the Times remarks, that this “ odious species of
punishment is falling more and more into disuse; ” and, moreover, that
“ Anything like a frequent resort to it is taken to reflect discredit, not only upon the whole ship’s
company, hut upon the officers in command.”
If a return could he procured of the number of imprecations uttered on reading
the above passage, by bluff old retired admirals and superannuated sea-captains,
in clubs and coffee-rooms at our various sea-ports, where they are accustomed to
growl over the degeneracy of the service, we should probably be presented with
a startling array of figures. By the stigma which is cast upon the discipline
which these veterans, for the most part, boast of having maintained, their feelings
must be as cruelly lacerated as they themselves ever caused the backs of their
men to be.
THE ECCLESIASTICAL AUCTION MART.
“Deae Punch,
“ Going the other day into an auction-room in a
large commercial town, with the view of purchasing a
small fancy business, I found that having already disposed
of it, and of a cheesemonger’s good-will and stock, the
auctioneer was endeavouring to sell a church, on whose
merits he was expatiating much in the following terms :—
'c Come, Gentlemen, pray give attention
To the Lot I’m now going to sell;
Bor it don’t want a poet’s invention
Its manifold merits to tell.
If a gift, or of praying or preaching,
In any one present has shone,
He may further exemplify each in
The church, now put up, of St. John.
“ It is not some old weather-worn building,
Clad with ivy, and mouldering and grey,
But as fresh as paint, varnish, and gilding
Could make it, ’twas made’t other day;
And if any, who hear me, are pinning
Their faith some one order upon,
I can tell them they ’ll find a beginning
Of all orders and styles, at St. John.
“ It is held of the Town Corporation
Bor a term, at a peppercorn rent.
And will surely reward speculation
To the tune of some fifty per cent.
The fixtures are mats, stools, and hassocks,
And (as second-hand garments to don
Is the fashion with curates) the cassocks
Of the late worthy priest of St. John.
]
:
POISONOUS PUEES.
Something has been done, of late, towards the abatement of nuisances.
Cinder-heaps have been swept away, sewers trapped, cesspools closed, and
laystalls removed from under our noses. There stnl remains, however, a great
deal of noxious and offensive stuff to be got rid of; particularly since, instead of
merely contaminating our air and water, it infects the fountains of our current
information. It taints the library, it defiles the drawing-room table. This grave-
olent evil is the pest of soiled newspapers—journals of ill savour—not imparted
by any fetid sort of printers’ ink, but by vile advertisements, whereat the
physical nostrils, indeed, are not offended: hut the moral nose is in great indig-
nation.
An obscure and narrow street through which few respectable persons, and
no ladies, ever pass, bears a scandalous name, and is considered a disgrace to the
metropolis, by reason of the sort of literature displayed in its windows, which is
precisely of the same quality as the advertisements alluded to ; and these, in the
columns of reputable and even “ serious ” journals, get introduced into families,
and lie about the house, to attract the notice, and obtain the perusal, of the
younger members of the establishment, male and female.
You may take up—or what is of more consequence—your little boy or girl may
take up—a newspaper, and read, on one side of it, a leading article which might
be preached out of a pulpit: on the other a series of turpitudes unfit for utterance
under any circumstances.
These atrocities are heightened to the point of perfection by the circumstance
that they are the puffs of a set of rascally quacks, not the least mischievous of
whose suggestions are the recommendations of their own medicines—poison for
the body which they vend to simpletons, whilst they disseminate mental poison
gratis, both in the advertisements themselves, and in books which form the
subject of them, in addition to the other poison.
As the newspaper-proprietors whose journals are sullied by these putrescences
may be of opinion that the odour of gain, from whatever source derived, is agree-
able, and, therefore, preserve them as rather fragrant than otherwise, the following
exhortation has been addressed to their customers :—
“ It rests with you—with you alone, newspaper readers, to stop the torrent. And you can do it,
without expense, and with but little self-denial. Let each individual that receives this appeal
write without delay to the editor of the paper he reads, whenever he sees it defiled by one of these
easily-recognised advertisements, and say that, unless its insertion is discontinued, he canuot, in
conscience, any longer patronise the publication. Whatever your station may be, you can do
something; and the higher it is, the greater is your influence and responsibility. On country
gentlemen rests mainly the persistence of the evil in provincial papers; they can, and we trust
they will stop it. Let, too, each one of you that are advertisers, he you publishers, men of business,
authors, masters seeking servants, or servants seeking masters, refuse to appear any more in such
company, and let it be known at the newspaper office why you withhold your patronage.”
The above paragraph is extracted from the prospectus of a society which has
been formed for the special purpose of suppressing this villanous puffery. The
association is entitled “ The Union for Discouragement of Vicious Advertise-
ments ; ” and we hope _ it will succeed in closing a channel of communication
which has all the qualities, except the utility, of a gutter.
“ If the sittings (not counting the free seats
Which are placed in the draught near the door),
Be computed, I think there must be seats
Bor nine hundred pew-renters or more ;
Then the district quite swarms with young ladies.
And the tenant who’s recently gone,
Brom the slippers they worked him, quite paid his
Clerk, sexton, and choir of St. John.
By the bishop its licence was granted ;
But the owners no bid will reject—
As the cash is immediately wanted—
Brom any persuasion or sect.
There, the Jumper may practise gymnastics ;
There the Ranter’s glib tongue may run on;
Turks or Hindoos, or Buddhists, or Aztecs,
May use, if they pay for, St. John.
“ Ha! a Thousand ! a Rapper then offers;
Bifteen hundred ! the Mormons exclaim.
Come, Gentlemen, open your coffers,
Bor your biddings are terribly tame.
Two thousand ! Not half enough ! Yet it
Must go to the Rappers; Going ! Gone !
The key’s with the sexton. Sir; get it.
And yours is the church of St. John.”
OUR METEOROLOGICAL REPORT.
The public is much indebted to a gentleman named
Lowe, who lives at Bermondsey, and writes every day
to the Times, to inform the world which way the wind
blew on the preceding day, how much rain fell late in
the evening, what amount of cloud was floating about
at a particular hour of the day, and other equally interesting
particulars. On Tuesday this gentleman reports his detec-
tion of some “ cirri,” and he kindly writes to the Times
to give the world the benefit of the discovery.
Anxious to make ourselves generally useful, we have
attempted a few meteorological observations on our own
account, and the following is the report we have to offer
Barometer fell—to the ground and smashed.
Thermometer rose to blood heat—having been turned
upside down by an infant.
Direction of wind—right in our own face.
Amount of rain—001. in. in our umbrella stand.
Am mint of cloud—9 from our own tobacco-pipe. Should
our scientific observations as recorded above tend to throw
any light upon anything, we are more than satisfied.