DOI issue:
Volume XXVI
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16613#0018
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
II
THE QUACK’S DIARY-
The following Diary lias been kindly forwarded
to us by Mr. Bucket of the Detectives. It
was found in the pocket of a gentleman who was
uuder his care for some hours :—
January.—Got up rusty suit with black
reviver; washed and starched white choker, and
dressed for conversazione of Hahnemann Society.
V/rote circular to Duchess and other members
of Aristocracy, accompanied by Prospectus of
Homoeopathic Sanatorium. Looked up several
Bast India Colonels, with constitution weakened
by warm climate. Tried it on upon others de-
bilitated in body and mind. Took apartments
in Belgravia; baited with globules and fished
lor gudgeons ; too many anglers already, no
bites : forced to cut my un\ucky.
February.—Signed lease of Mansion in the
country with 100 acres. Trout-stream and Cas-
cade, to open as Hydropathic establishment.
Advertised forthcoming work on “Water Cure
in Hydrophobia.’’ Also advertised Douche
House; advertisement got me some credit, on
which contrived to rough it on my chop and glass
of sherry.
March.—Impressed strongly with necessity
of raising the wind. Landlord wanted to be off
his bargain for Douche House—had been making
inquiries about my respectability. Agreed to
cancel lease for consideration. Name of month
suggested march with Teetotallers ; they making
Demonstration; which joined; afterwards ad-
dressed meeting from Platform—and wound up
evening at Hole in the Wall.
April.—Spring coming on, idea of Greens
suggested Yegetarian dodge. Let beard and
moust aches grow, parted hair down middle, and
went about delivering lectures. At Manchester
and. Salford immense success of “Tea without
Shrimps.” Tried in agricultural district “ Trim-
mings but no Leg of Mutton; ” hissed off boards;
and narrowly escaped being put under pump.
May—Sign of potential mood—suggested new
Possibility of Doing. Turned attention to
Electrobiology; of which gave demonstrations
at Literary and Scientific Institutions at Is. a
head, reserved seats . 2s. Belt real liking for
subject. Delusions highly interesting; wonder
if it would be possible to pass off silver over
counter for gold ?
June.—Town now full of Superior Classes.
Gave Mesmeric seances and Consultations with
Clairvoyance, at new lodgings in May Bair.
Sacked lots of money from ladies of rank robbed
by servants, by giving information as to missing
property through Somnambulist put into com-
munication by Magnetism with Thief. So went
on till one fine morning, when Somnambulist
bolted with all the cash.
July.-—Resolved to turn the tables on Fortune
in a direct straightforward manner by Table
Turning. By aid of pals lending hands, easily
made Mahogany talk with legs. Sermon pub-
lished by reverend gent., proving trick caused
by evil spirits—brought great addition of visitors,
and increased receipts very much.
August.—With growing experience and study
of human nature, got on to Spirit-Rapping, by
assistance of clever but uneducated Medium,
being Gipsy, and spelling wrong. Rooms
crowded with persons of wealth and fashion con-
versing through Medium with Julius Caesar,
Lord Bacon, Napoleon, and departed friends.
Making no end of money till sceptical Editor
came, investigated, and exposed hoax in his
paper—whereby smashed.
September.—On the first, recollected I had
to pursue my game; shot over the water, and
set up as Lecturer on Astronomy in Lambeth
Slums. Drew horoscopes, cast nativities, gave
advice about courtship and matrimony, and
hooked flats by shoals, though mostly small fry.
October.—Reminded by the falling leaf to
make the most of time, added magic and fortune-
telling to the astrological plant. Showed servaut-
girls their sweethearts in mirrors; exhibited
the apparition of any person living or dead • and
sold philtres, amulets, charms, and children’s
cauls.
November.—Blown up at last! Maid-of-all-
Work, to pay me from week to week for helping
her to get a husband by the stars, robs mistress;
is had up, and accuses me, who am lagged and
committed as a rogue and vagabond !
December.—The year closes dull and
drearily on me, though warmer than is
agreeable, at the Crank.
WAR-SONG BOR THE MONEY
MARKET.
Let all good folks that man disown.
Who’d basely do a Russian Loan,
To Coventry, the caitiff, send him.
And may the Silent System end him!
Let no man traffic with a traitor
Than Mitchell or O’Brien greater;
Afford him either fire or fuel,
Or mix his physic nr his gruel.
Let no attorney be so tender
As legal aid the wretch to render,
Although to save him from a prison,
And keep off Calcrapt from his wizen.
If such a miscreant can be married,
May he be by a vixen harried,
A woman who in debt will run him,
And cause her tradespeople to dun him.
His dinner be, for having sold
His country, neither hot nor cold,
And by his cookmaid’s constant blunder,
Either much overdone or under.
May he with aches and pains be troubled.
With crippling rheumatism doubled;
The toothache and the headache rack him.
And the tic-doloreux attack him.
Chaps crack the villain’s hands in notches,
Break forth upon him blainsand botches,
Boils, licheu, impetigo, tetter,
And scabies that won’t get better.
When from his domicile he sallies,
May all the boys from all the allies
As sparrows teaze an owl, flock after
His dirty heels with shouts and laughter.
Let howls and yells of execration
Attend on his perambulation.
And for his mean and hateful action,
The whole world hiss him to distraction.
Conundrums for the Times.
When may we consider ourselves to be
completely under the Empire of the Otto-
man?—When we recline on a too easy sofa,
and fall asleep under its luxurious influence.
Where are we most likely to find the key
of the Baltic8—In Davy Jones’s locker.
cure oe shoals.
A contemporary states that the income of
the Church of England exceeds £5,000,000.
Spiritual destitution, if it exist in England,
is starvation in the midst of plenty. The
clergy, so endowed, ought to cure souls as
the rate of herrings.
II
THE QUACK’S DIARY-
The following Diary lias been kindly forwarded
to us by Mr. Bucket of the Detectives. It
was found in the pocket of a gentleman who was
uuder his care for some hours :—
January.—Got up rusty suit with black
reviver; washed and starched white choker, and
dressed for conversazione of Hahnemann Society.
V/rote circular to Duchess and other members
of Aristocracy, accompanied by Prospectus of
Homoeopathic Sanatorium. Looked up several
Bast India Colonels, with constitution weakened
by warm climate. Tried it on upon others de-
bilitated in body and mind. Took apartments
in Belgravia; baited with globules and fished
lor gudgeons ; too many anglers already, no
bites : forced to cut my un\ucky.
February.—Signed lease of Mansion in the
country with 100 acres. Trout-stream and Cas-
cade, to open as Hydropathic establishment.
Advertised forthcoming work on “Water Cure
in Hydrophobia.’’ Also advertised Douche
House; advertisement got me some credit, on
which contrived to rough it on my chop and glass
of sherry.
March.—Impressed strongly with necessity
of raising the wind. Landlord wanted to be off
his bargain for Douche House—had been making
inquiries about my respectability. Agreed to
cancel lease for consideration. Name of month
suggested march with Teetotallers ; they making
Demonstration; which joined; afterwards ad-
dressed meeting from Platform—and wound up
evening at Hole in the Wall.
April.—Spring coming on, idea of Greens
suggested Yegetarian dodge. Let beard and
moust aches grow, parted hair down middle, and
went about delivering lectures. At Manchester
and. Salford immense success of “Tea without
Shrimps.” Tried in agricultural district “ Trim-
mings but no Leg of Mutton; ” hissed off boards;
and narrowly escaped being put under pump.
May—Sign of potential mood—suggested new
Possibility of Doing. Turned attention to
Electrobiology; of which gave demonstrations
at Literary and Scientific Institutions at Is. a
head, reserved seats . 2s. Belt real liking for
subject. Delusions highly interesting; wonder
if it would be possible to pass off silver over
counter for gold ?
June.—Town now full of Superior Classes.
Gave Mesmeric seances and Consultations with
Clairvoyance, at new lodgings in May Bair.
Sacked lots of money from ladies of rank robbed
by servants, by giving information as to missing
property through Somnambulist put into com-
munication by Magnetism with Thief. So went
on till one fine morning, when Somnambulist
bolted with all the cash.
July.-—Resolved to turn the tables on Fortune
in a direct straightforward manner by Table
Turning. By aid of pals lending hands, easily
made Mahogany talk with legs. Sermon pub-
lished by reverend gent., proving trick caused
by evil spirits—brought great addition of visitors,
and increased receipts very much.
August.—With growing experience and study
of human nature, got on to Spirit-Rapping, by
assistance of clever but uneducated Medium,
being Gipsy, and spelling wrong. Rooms
crowded with persons of wealth and fashion con-
versing through Medium with Julius Caesar,
Lord Bacon, Napoleon, and departed friends.
Making no end of money till sceptical Editor
came, investigated, and exposed hoax in his
paper—whereby smashed.
September.—On the first, recollected I had
to pursue my game; shot over the water, and
set up as Lecturer on Astronomy in Lambeth
Slums. Drew horoscopes, cast nativities, gave
advice about courtship and matrimony, and
hooked flats by shoals, though mostly small fry.
October.—Reminded by the falling leaf to
make the most of time, added magic and fortune-
telling to the astrological plant. Showed servaut-
girls their sweethearts in mirrors; exhibited
the apparition of any person living or dead • and
sold philtres, amulets, charms, and children’s
cauls.
November.—Blown up at last! Maid-of-all-
Work, to pay me from week to week for helping
her to get a husband by the stars, robs mistress;
is had up, and accuses me, who am lagged and
committed as a rogue and vagabond !
December.—The year closes dull and
drearily on me, though warmer than is
agreeable, at the Crank.
WAR-SONG BOR THE MONEY
MARKET.
Let all good folks that man disown.
Who’d basely do a Russian Loan,
To Coventry, the caitiff, send him.
And may the Silent System end him!
Let no man traffic with a traitor
Than Mitchell or O’Brien greater;
Afford him either fire or fuel,
Or mix his physic nr his gruel.
Let no attorney be so tender
As legal aid the wretch to render,
Although to save him from a prison,
And keep off Calcrapt from his wizen.
If such a miscreant can be married,
May he be by a vixen harried,
A woman who in debt will run him,
And cause her tradespeople to dun him.
His dinner be, for having sold
His country, neither hot nor cold,
And by his cookmaid’s constant blunder,
Either much overdone or under.
May he with aches and pains be troubled.
With crippling rheumatism doubled;
The toothache and the headache rack him.
And the tic-doloreux attack him.
Chaps crack the villain’s hands in notches,
Break forth upon him blainsand botches,
Boils, licheu, impetigo, tetter,
And scabies that won’t get better.
When from his domicile he sallies,
May all the boys from all the allies
As sparrows teaze an owl, flock after
His dirty heels with shouts and laughter.
Let howls and yells of execration
Attend on his perambulation.
And for his mean and hateful action,
The whole world hiss him to distraction.
Conundrums for the Times.
When may we consider ourselves to be
completely under the Empire of the Otto-
man?—When we recline on a too easy sofa,
and fall asleep under its luxurious influence.
Where are we most likely to find the key
of the Baltic8—In Davy Jones’s locker.
cure oe shoals.
A contemporary states that the income of
the Church of England exceeds £5,000,000.
Spiritual destitution, if it exist in England,
is starvation in the midst of plenty. The
clergy, so endowed, ought to cure souls as
the rate of herrings.