Punch (26.1854)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

39

A SANCTIFIED “SELL.”

NY body wanting an affecting volume
of sermons will here find the promise
of one—taken from a chief page of
the Wtitchmcm, Methodist news-
paper :—•

“ [Advertisement.]— A ATew Tear. —
These words—though simple in themselves
—are prolific of pleasing anticipations.
Cherished in our riper age, amid the war
and strife and anxieties of life, the memories
which each returning year awakens within
us are dear to each of our hearts, and in-
delibly engraved there. Thoughts of by-
gone times, dim and indistinct at first—
thoughts of other joys rise up from the
depths within, and grow clear and more
tangible before us. On each occasion we
recall with delight the many joyous scenes
which we have witnessed—scenes which are
inseparably identified with the recollections
of the merry days of our youth. But too
often these pleasing reminiscences are
chastened by other thoughts and images—
blending in one common picture the lights
and shadows of the past, and thus engrossed
in saddened strain, we muse—perchance at
times unconsciously—repeating to ourselves
those plaintive notes which still recall our
boyhood’s task—

‘ They are past and gone ! those merry ones,

That were so glad and bright..’ ”

The italics are our own—offended simply to call attention to the
tone of piety which pervades the announcement, _ and suggests its
purpose; rejoicing the heart of the serious reader with the expectation
of sweetness.

Taste a little more

“ Soon another circle in the great journey of life shall be attained—soon another
New Year may be permitted to dawn upon our vision—soon may it be our favoured
lot to mingle in the circle of love, and administer to the cheering offices of friendship;
and should our spirits be chastened when we look around and behold those ‘ vacant
places,’ let each heart that pulsates in health and strength expand with gratitude to
that source from whence proceed those issues of life, ‘ inestimable gifts ’—and may the
‘ weary and heavy laden1 look in faith to the thousand means which have been mercifully
provided to mitigate their pains and to soothe their afflictions. And we may be per-
mitted to mention, as one of the means of alleviating pain and suffering,”

the New Testament—one naturally surmises—or, at least, some tract,
or set of discourses calculatedxo afford spiritual consolation—something
powerful in that way, of strong anodyne, and at the same time awaken-
ing, properties. What comfort is offered to those who sigh for “vacant
places ? ”—what rest is proposed to the “ weary and heavy laden ? ”—
Surely such as may be found in the unction of the Reverend Otto
Sharon, or the affectionate earnestness of Mr. Manna? Not so.
No healing waters or balm of that description—but, simply,

“ That extraordinary medicine, Page "Woodcock’s Wind Pill3, compounded by
Mr. Page D. Woodcock, Lincoln.”

They are to “look in faith” to the Wind Pills of Mr. Page I).
Woodcock. In place of references to experiences and conversions,
we are informed, as touching the Wind Pills, that

“ Parties of the highest respectability in all parts of the United Kingdom have given
their testimony to their wonderful efficacy in all complaints of the Stomach and
Bowels.”

And so all the allusions to vacant places and chastened spirits are
introductory to a puff of Wind Pills, and those who are “weary and
heavy laden ” are invited to go to Mr. Woodcock for a patent medi-
cine to cure complaints of the inside. Woodcock is a nice bird! It
may, however, be natural for a Quack to quote Scripture for such a
purpose as that of inducing the credulous to swallow his compounds,
but that the holy Watchman should afford him a conspicuous place in
its columns for the citation of texts and the use of sanctified slang
with that object, can only be accounted for by the supposition that the
holy Watchman has its price—which is paid by the holy Watchman"s
profane advertiser.

Railway Addresses on the Subject of Smoking.

Railway Guard to Third Class. “ Where’s the Man that has been
smoking ? He had better not let me catch him. I ’ll soon put his
pipe out.”

To Second Class. “Now, gents, smoking isn’t allowed—it’s a tine of
forty shillings.”

To First Class. “ If you please, gentlemen, smoking is against the
rules. I must request you to put your cigars out.”

MORAL PARADOX.

A thirst for gold is denounced as unreasonable by those who, never-
theless, deny that it is a thirst for something solid.

MIMS. OF AN OLD REFORMER.

Mem. To give up the filthy habit of smoking as soon as I possibly can.

Mem. To harden myself against the insinuations of snuff, and to
put my hands in my pockets, whenever a pinch is offered to me.

Mem. Never to stop out later than eleven o’clock.

Mem. To answer my letters directly they arrive.

Mem. To summon every cabman who is impertinent or neglects to
give me a ticket.

Mem. To tutor myself in better habits of punctuality, so that when
I am invited out I may not arrive an hour after my time.

Mem. Only to buy those things I positively want, and never to buy
anything until I have the money in hand to pay for it.

Mem. To take some energetic means to get, once and for all, out of
the debt of my tailor.

Mem. To deal with my own tradesmen, instead of allowing the
servants to order all the things for me.

Mem. To insist upon having all my accounts sent in regularly every J
week.

Mem. To entertain the deadliest hatred, and to wage the most re-
lentless war, against that most ruinous of all systems—Credit.

Mem. To try the experiment for a short time of seeing that the
cellaret in which my wine and spirits are kept, is locked.

Mem. To examine more carefully my washerwoman’s bills—and to
check them always when they come home.

Mem. To ascertain what stock of linen I have.

Mem. To discontinue the folly of giving money to beggars.

Mem. To stop drinking when I feel I have had enough ! ! !

Mem. To forswear unlimited loo, and learn chess.

Mem. Never to be in bed later than eight o’clock.

Mem. To walk always a good hour before breakfast.

Mem. To begin to think seriously about marriage, and tbe policy of
insuring one’s life.

Mem. To cultivate good friends and pure thoughts; to endeavour to I
gain the esteem of all worthy people; to live regularly and respectably;
to wind up my conduct with my watch every night before T go to sleep,
and to examine whether it is too “fast” or too “slow;” to abandon
all divans and billiard-rooms ; to shave off my moustaches ; and throw .
away my latch-key. j

Mem. (most important one of all.) To put into practice the cabove
resolutions the moment I get a little more settled.

HEAVEN CONFOUND THE EMPEROR.

Air—“ God Preserve the Emperor."

Heaven confound the Emperor Nicholas,
Acting at his present rate.

Vanquished, humbled, and ridiculous,

Hurl him from his liigh estate ;

Haunted always be his pillow
By the spectres of the dead.

Foully, on Sinope’s billow,

By liis slaves whose blood was shed.

Down, to rise expecting never,

All his pride and glory smashed.

May he hear the screams for ever
Of the women whom he lashed;

May the sum of human sorrow.

Claused by him, his conscience wring.
With no prospect of a morrow.

To allay its poisoned sting.

If, resolved on depredations,

Right he scorn, and might defy,

Rise against him, banded nations,

Hunt him down with hue and cry,

On him, like a wild beast, hounded
Be the dogs of Europe’s war ;

Let him ever be confounded;

Outraged Heaven, confound the Czar !

New Lamps for Old Ones.

Odessa, according to the author of a new book on Russia, labours
under the disadvantage of being badly lighted. It is satisfactory to
know that an English company—a ship’s company, in tact—has under-
taken, at the shortest notice, to light up the town m question so brn- ;
liantly as actually to cause reflection at St. Peterbnrg, and enable the
Czar to read French and English handwriting very distinctly, even at j
that distance. The iron tubes are ready laid, and the parties are only j
waiting for a few posts.