Punch (26.1854)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

49

MRS. JANE GIMLET ON THE FESTIVITIES
OE THE SEASON.

“ Yeast Lane, Grinnidge, twenteffthjenniwaryhatinfiftifore. \

outiiy Sure,
“While they
wos a dancin, me
an Missus Pop-
kins’ Hann tuk
an laid supper in
the dinner rume
which air under-
nethe the drorrin
rume, an a butiful
supper it were.
There were a
turkee at top with
his bones tuk hout
an forsmete put in
im hinsted, wich
it saves time in
hetin an purwents
the gents dirtin
their _ wite gluvs
by pikkin of the
bones. An there
wos two fouls
simlarly treted at
bottom, but they
amost broke my
^,rt in respek of j
being Cotchins, an
avin such long legs
as coodent be trust shapeabul no ow. N ext the turkey, on the sentur-
line, was a tung in haspect, an nex the fouls was a gallon tin of weal,
as they corl it, tho it wos but a quort in hall. Nex the tung wos hiseter
pattees, and likeaways nex the weal, an between them two dishes of |
pattees cum a grand senturpeege. Lowermost was a cage of barlee-
shewgar with a hen in it of mottuld blankmanger a settin on twelve
heggs of the same, an a-top of the cage wos a floorin of pound cake
made a purpose for fore hellifants to stan on, two on em wite an two
pink, with their baks to wun hanuther an their trunks to the cumpanee,
an a holdin up a spun shewgar castul on their baks an a spun shewgar
tray at the hend of heche of their trunks. The castul were full of
triful, an there wos rattyfees in wun tray, motters in hanuther, miksed
harmont caks in a third, an Bong Bong crackers in the forth. The
fore comers wos two raised pies an two lobstur sallets, bein wun of
heche at top an bottom. Then beginnin at the top there were a dish
of jennywar pastree on wun side, an a dish of gattow soocrays on the
huther, then blankmanger pumpled hover with grapes, a matchin lemon
jellee pumpled hover with red currants, then a shamtellee baskit hover
against a shamtellee cake, then a dish of marehangs hopposite a dish
of mealfools, an then a set of hightallvan cremes to feller a lot of
rasburry wips. In coorse custuds, an jellees, an cristalliged frutes, an
Lick your Bong Bongs wos stud about the tabul, permixuous with the
plate an glasses. O ! it were butiful, an wen I tuk a last luke hat it
afore I fetched Missus Popkins doun to see it, an thort as ow it were
amost hall made hout of heggs an shewgar an buttur, it were quite in
natur for me to ave a proud art. ‘ Yes,’ I sez to Missus Popkins’
Hann, as air a gude sole an nose her plaice, an air not stuk up like
sum jaks in hoffis as wont take tellin from them as nose better, ‘ yes !
Hann, giv me heggs, an shewgar, an buttur, an lie sho u a shaydoover,
as they sez, that shall be fit for a nobulman’s quizzin.’ But wot air we
that we shood boste ? an ow sune our pride gits a fall!

“ All this wile they wos a dancin. At fust it wos honely kwodreels,
an we could ere em a sailin an a prommynardin about hover our eds as
stately as beeduls an as slo as mutes, till Hann sez, ‘ Lor it wont
never do no ow that way. I must go an and the punch and the
kneegus,’ she sez, wich slie tuk an did accordin. Well then they
warmed hup an got the cold out o thsir jintes and the stiffues hout o
their feelins, and began a worltsing an a poleking till they mad the
ceilin shake hover us like hanythin. ‘Well,’ I sez to Hann, as ad
cum down agin with the hempety glasses, “ I misdout that shamdelere !
Luke how it waggles ! I wouldnt wunaer if the hile was tu cum hout
hall hov3r my senturpeege.’ ‘ Lor,’ sez Hann as ad got her ed
turned with seein the dancin, ‘ ow them hellefants will shine if it does.
Any ow, Missus Gimlet,’ she sez, ‘hanythin is bettur than them
gashly kwodreels. I ate to see peepul a dancin as if they wos at a
berrin, but them polekers air deliteful,’ an she fell a spinnin about the
rume, an sez, ‘ I must go an and sum more punch an kneegus, an git
hanuther pepe,’ which she tuk an did accordin.

“Well then, doun cums Missus Popkins to luk at the supper, an she
stud an luk at it an sez, ‘ Gimlet ! uve surpast ureself. We sharnt be
long a commin, for we’re honely goin to danse Lar Tompeter fust, an

Missus Brownjones air goin to danse loo,’ she sez, an goes away
agin. ‘Ho! Lorry me,’1 thort, ‘wot ever is the Tompeter, an ow
will that shamdeleere bear it an Marm Brownjones too, for she weys
about fiftene stun, and goes as hewy as a dray.’

“ Well, 1 went an stud upon the stares along of Hann, with a sinkin
sperrit, for I trembulled for mv senturpeege, as well I mite. They
wos pretty quiet at first, but hall on a sudden we heres a noise like a
bus a runnin hover the stones, wich it were Marm Brownjones agoin
down the middul, or suffin of that sort, an then there cum such a crash
as turned me sik to ere it. Missus Popkins hered it too, an cum a
runnin hout an sez ‘ Wot is it. Gimlet ? ’ I coodent speke, but Hann
as ave uncommon presents of mind, sez, ‘Nothin, Marm! honely sup-
pers qwite reddy, Marm, pleese! ’ Wen the cumpanee hered her say
that they leff hoff dancin, an stud about, simperin at each other; so in
coorse Missus Popkins were forsed to sav, ‘ I think wele go down to
supper if u pleese.’ An down they cum. Mistur Popkins an Marm
Brownjones fust, wich she scrooged im orful in the narrer stares; an
then cum Missus Popkins with Mistur Brownjones, a meke littel
man, as ad bene in a corner hall the hevenin a sain nnthink, wich is his
way; an then Reverend Slowcum Smith an Miss Smithtomson (it
were supper enuf for her to be tuk down by him, I promise u); an
then all the rest. A orrid feelin cum hover me, an I coodent move;
but Hann run down an hopened the supper rume door, an hadent
scarce done it wen she sings hout, ‘ Poleece! Poleece! ’ an goes into
strong conwulshuns. The cry of a feller creetur in distress brought
me to, an I ran down, an Ho ! wot a gashly site met my hi!

“ The shamdeleere and the best part of the ceilin ad cum down a-top of
the supper, and scatturd the triful hout of the shewgar castul on to
the boned turkee, an filled the lobstur sallets with splinters of spun
shewgar, and delooged the gallon tin of weal with a bottel of tomee
porte as stud by it. Wun of the hellefants was plunged ed fust into a
raised pie, an hanuther wos a bathin of hisself up to his middel in the
lemmin jellee, an a thurd ad got his trunk in a rasburry wip as if he
was a gwine to drink it, an the forth were perched upon the tung in
haspect, an stud a bowin and a balancin as if he were pokin his fun at
us. The hen was squashed hall off a lump with her heggs, an all the
huther things wos wited hover with the plaster from the ceilin, and
hevery thin was shook wun upon the huther till you coodent a
told a marehang from a mealfool, nor a hiseter pattee from a Lick
your Bong Bong, an all the decanturs wos broke an the Madedeerer
an the Marselly, an the Montylarde wos miksed, an resolved, as I hear
a gent a wisprin, into their primmytive hellement of sherry at twenty-
two shillin.

“ Mister Popkins he went a pokin about amongst the glass an fussin
to get things to rites, as the natur of husbands is, but it wornt of no use,
the squash were so complete. But the way his wife tuk it were won-
derful. Her colour went an cum, an cum an went, an her lips got quite
blue till she bit em red agin, an I see her tucker a heavin up an down,
but she managed to smile as if it were only a triful. ‘Myfrens,’ say
the Reverend Slocum, an we sor by the rollin of his hies as he wos a
makin hisself up for a discoorse, but his dorter stopped him, ‘ Not
now. Par,’ sez she, ‘ Not now, it’s for me an not for u to improve the
occashun. If our frens will go up stares an dance agin, but not Lar
Tompeter, pleese, He see wot I can do for em. An do take Charles,’
—meaning her husband—1 afore he cuts hisself with the broken glass.’
Well Reverend Slocum did luke huncommon shut up at fust, but the
gents all cheered his dorter, they wos so tuk with her sperrit, an so
they did as she sed, an harf an hour arterwards, wen they sat down to
a kupple of barrels of hiseters, an a stilting cheese an biskits, an a
peece of cold beef, an sum am, they drank her elth in tumblers oi
wiskee todee, an sed it were the best supper they ever ad. An next
day, Marm Brownjones give her a new shamdeleere, an made it hup to
her that way, but I never got no compensashun for the dammage that
the Tompeter and Marm Brownjones did to the feelins

“ Of ure umbel chareoman,

“ Jane Gimlet.”

Enthusiasm in Effigy.

In the fervid town of Cupar they have been burning the .Emperor
op Russia—in effigy. How admirably does the act illustrate the
reality of much popular enthusiasm ! Why not bum the Russian fleet
in effigy ? Why not blow down Sebastopol and storm Odessa in effigy F
We have small admiration for these avengers of wrong upon old clothes
stuffed with shavings or musty hay ; and count their enthusiasm just as
much a sham as the rubbish they so heroically give to the flames.

Officering the Navy.

The following are the new regulations relative to the physical recom-
mendations of Admirals desirous of active service. They must not be
above seventy-five, nor under seventy. They must not have been afloat
within the last thirty years ; as the less they have known of salt water,
the fresher they will consequently be for the service.