Punch (26.1854)

60

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Obsequious Perfumer (loq.). “ Mr. Hairoil will be at liberty in jive minutes, Ma’am;
would you allow me to offer you a Seat ?”

THE BLACK, BLACK SEA.

To a Member of the Peace Society.

Oh come with me, my Dove,

And our journey’s end shall be.

Where the British cruisers rove
Iu the Black, Black Sea.

W ith Frenchmen by their side.

And full long may we agree

As our fleets at anchor ride
In the Black, Black Sea.

Like toad unto its hole—

Where Old Nick’s have had to llee—

Into Port Sebastopol,

On the Black, Black Sea.

Where Old Nick’s squadron lurks.
That so base and dastardly

Went and massacred the Turks
On the Black, Black Sea.

To venture forth, no doubt.

They are very far from free;

For they know they’d get served out
On the Black, Black Sea.

Now tell me, oh! my Dove ;

Now admit the truth to me,

Wasn’t this a proper move
On the Black, Black Sea ?

And don’t you think, also,

It had better been, if we

Had that move made long ago
On the Black, Black Sea P

REASON AND THE RAZOR.

T might have been expected that
the Beard and Moustache Ques-
tion would have been treated
with some temper, being a sub-
ject of no importance • although
it was once a matter of con-
troversy between the Greek and
Latin Churches, and by far the
most substantial point on which
they differed. Gallant captains
wear moustaches •— therefore
some praise them. Swindlers
wear moustaches to pass for
gallant captains: musical pro-
fessors also wear moustaches
to pass for foreigners; wherefore
others disparage them. This is
not philosophy.

. Although the bone of conten-
tion, Hibernically speaking, is
hair, yet it has been disputed
without hair-splitting — nay,
without the slightest attention
to common logic. Irrelevant
arguments have been adduced
on either side; just as if the
disputants were ladies, and had,
or could have,. no beards or moustaches to debate about.

A futile objection to moustaches and beards has been based on the
supposition that they are the badges of covert red republicanism,
enmity to order, and membership of secret and treasonable societies.
As if anv^ conspirator in the drama of real life, and out of that of the
Surrey Theatre, would sport a token of his designs; as if, instead
of declaring himself by a rough muzzle, he would not wear the very
smoothest possible face.

Beards and moustaches have also been denounced as indicating a
desire to look picturesque, or grand. But everybody desires to look
grand or picturesque unless he is conscious that the attempt to do so
would make him look ridiculous, or unless he is too deeply absorbed in
Ins studies, or anxious about his prospects, to trouble himself on the
score of his personal appearance.

Arguments equally inconclusive, however, have been urged for letting
me hair grow about the mouth and chin. Nature, it has been said.

meant it to grow there. So, Nature meant the hair to grow on the
head, and the nails on the ends of the fingers; whence it does not
follow that Nature did not mean hair and nails to be cut—-if expedient.
It has been asked : Why not also shave the eye-brows ?. Why not, in
a measure, if ever they should grow long enough to get in the way ?

The patriarchs lived long lives, and are supposed to have worn long
beards; but it is not certain that the length of beard was the cause of
the length of life, whereas length of life would undoubtedly occasion
length of beard, if the beard were suffered to grow all the time.

It is probable that the patriarchs did wear beards and moustaches.
They were wise. They would not take needless trouble. Therefore
they would not shave. There was no reason why they should shave.
They did not live by the exercise of invention. To them there was no
need of the notions and new ideas developed in the human mind, during
the five minutes devoted to shaving. Moreover, their diet and
beverages were consistent with the beard and the moustache. They
did not mop up turtle-soup; they were not in the habit of burying
their faces in frothing pots of beer. Their moustaches, therefore, and
their beards were never agglutinated.

If Nature positively intended that we should wear beards, she
would not have enabled us to shave without, much inconvenience.
She has not accorded us a similar facility of cutting off our noses. The
rational conclusion is, that she meant us to consult our convenience in
wearing our beards or shaving them.

The beard of man makes its appearance.at the time when he arrives
at the capacity of entering into the conjugal relationship. Hence it
seems designed to attract the admiration of the fairer sex. Accord-
ingly, the question of wearing it or shaving it, is one that is best,
determined, by being popped together with that other question, with
which it is obviously connected. It is the province of. woman to
smooth the asperities of our nature, and it is for her to. decide whether
she will assert the prerogative to the extent of proscribing the use of
the razor.

The views of the Bishop, the Colonel, or other commanding officer,
the Official Chief, the Master of Clerks or Apprentices, may also be ad-
vantageously regarded in reference to retaining or abrading the growth
under consideration.

He who is perfectly independent will wear beard and moustache if
he derives comfort from so doing., unless he also incurs ridicule, in
which case he will balance the positive feeling of pleasure, against the
ideal pain that he may allow himself to suffer, or not, as he pleases.
A man with a round fat face had better shave if he would rather not
incur more derision than he is accustomed to. The same advice may
be given to those whose crop, if cultivated, would be red: but in these
cases all depends on the question whether tire object is to create
sensation, or to consult ease : please other people or one’s self.