DOI issue:
Volume XXVI
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16613#0216
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
209
HARD AS A BOARD.
fierce conflict is now raging
between tbe Guardians of
the Poor, in the various
parishes of England, and
the medical men whom the
said Guardians employ.
The tactics of the Guar-
dians are simple but effec-
tive. They take advantage
of the overcrowded state of
the medical profession, and
of the desire of its rising-
members to obtain some
public appointments which
may give them standing, to
offer the very smallest pos-
sible remuneration for the
services rendered by them.
The medical men, on the
other hand, have no re-
source but to do their duty
to those under their care,
and to appeal, on every fit-
ting occasion, to the Guar-
' dians’ sense of shame, though, of course, such appeals are about as futile
as an attempt to coerce a rhinoceros by whipping him with a play-bill.
I Mr. Arthur, the Medical Officer to the Poor at Deptford, recently
1 tendered the following receipt to the Guardians of the Greenwich
Union:—
“ Received from the Guardians of the Greenwich Union the paltry sum of £20, for
thirteen weeks extra service as house-to-house visitor, sanitary inspector, and for
medicines supplied to the sick poor of Deptford, by which I find my services as a
Professional Man, are valued at the same rate as those of a journeyman mechanic.”
The Greenwich Guardians have been so delighted with Mr. Arthur’s
testimony to their economy, that they have forwarded the document to
the Poor Law Commissioners, in the belief that it will obtain for them
a certificate of good conduct, or perhaps even a medal, formed of
congenial brass. We fear, however, that they will be disappointed, as
the competition is very great.
Punch does not himself know whether to accord the palm to them,
! or to the Guardians of those two unions who pay their medical man
j a salary of £2 per annum for attendance and medicines; or to the
Guardians of Todmorden, where the medical officer earned £7 12s. in
i one year, for attendance upon, and medicines supplied to a population
of 11,000 persons; or to the Guardians of the Rochdale Union, who
appointed a Surgeon to vaccinate under the New Act, but paid him
i under the Old Act, whereby they saved a shilling per case; or to the
Risbridge Board, who, when they were required to name some public
places to which the poor might bring their children for vaccination,
j selected the belfries of the different churches in the district, as being
nice cold, damp, and windy apartments, in which the congregated
infants might catch catarrhs and rheums.
Punch trusts that Mr. Baines has his eye upon these things, and
means to reward the Guardians according to their deserts, and he
i hopes to see the day when these Guardians, like Addison’s Cato, shall
have, not only their Baines, but their Antidotes.
APOPLEXY MADE EASY.
Some days since Mr. Punch was startled from the propriety which
usually characterises his actions, by the sight of the following terrific
I advertisement:—
TO ALL WHO ARE IN WANT OF A FIT —The importance of
which requires no elucidation to convince the most sceptical .how indispensably
necessary it is to health, comfort, and appearance.”
As Mr. Punch met with this startling proposition in the advertising
j columns of the Lancet, he could but look on its author as a homceopa-
1 thist, who, thinking that similia similibus curantur, had got it into his
: head that a slight attack of apoplexy or paralysis might be indispensably
necessary to the health, comfort, and appearance of those who had
reason to dread either malady. Perhaps (thought Mr. Punch) the man
has found means to avert apoplexy by inoculating people with indiges-
| tion; but the more remarkable feature of his theory is, that a fit is
! indispensably necessary to the appearance, a notion quite at variance
with that generally entertained.
The advertisement then continued thus
“ R. T. Pigbam, while willing to avoid the present system of puffing, adopts this
means of making known his Self-Acting Indicator of the Human Figure.”
I Taking this paragraph in connection with that which preceded it, it
was clear that “the present system of puffing,” which R. Pigram
I
wished, to avoid, must be the short-windedness, and wr.eezy, stertorous
breathing of persons disposed to apoplexy; and thence it followed that
the “ Self-Acting Indicator of the Human Figure ” must be, in all
probability, a machine for testmg the increased bulk of the patient, or,
perhaps, an elastic collar, so graduated as to show, day by day, the
growing thickness of the neck. Having stated his case, R. T. Pigram
became taciturn, and abruptly wound up his prelection with the fol-
lowing axiom and corollary—
“ An invention can only be known by its results. A trial will not only give satis-
faction, but will justify in favouring R. T. Pigram with their recommendations.”
Mr. Punch tried for awhile to discover from whom these recommen- |
dations were to be extorted; but, failing in the attempt, began seriously
to meditate the purchase of the “ Self-Acting Indicatorfor since his
abandonment of nis former migratory life, he has grown somewhat fat
and plethoric. And lo ! at this crisis came some one, who told him
that R. T. Pigram was a Tailor. But Punch cannot believe this.
ANOTHER SCENE FROM
“ THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN.”
An SFnfmfefjsir Urania.
Scene.—St. Petersburg. A Room m the Palace.
The Emperor and Nesselrode.
Emp. Of hostile England, whose detested isle
May Neptune’s flood o’erwhelm ! King
Charles the First
Did come to lose his head. Ha!—lose his
head ?—
To think a crowned head may be lost i
Ness. My liege,
That English monarch was too liberal; made
Too large concessions ; did not entertain
The high opinion that he should have held
Of his prerogative and kingly right.
That lowness ’twas which brought him to the
block.
Emp. More blockhead he. Well; him—this
foolish king—
Did Oliver Cromwell conquer and dethrone.
Ness. Your Majesty doth draw full buckets up
From the profound well of true history.
Emp. That Oliver Cromwell was a clevtfr
dog.
Ness. He was a dog, an’t like your Majesty,
Of sharper nose than common.
Emp. I remember
That Cromwell had a saying, relative
Unto the troops he raised against the King,
His Ironsides. “ I ’ll choose,” said Oliver,
“ Men -who some conscience have of what they
do.”
He chose his men of conscience—and he won.
What’s Conscience ?
Ness. Sire, I cannot tell: the term
Is too abstruse and metaphysical.
Emp. This Cromwell’s soldiers were ealied Puritans.
They quoted texts ; they preached long homilies ;
Sang psalms i’ the nose ; and turned their eyeballs up.
Then surely Conscience means fanatic zeal.
Ness. Your Majesty hath hit the nail o’ the head.
Emp. And I will drive it home. Come, Nesselrode,
And follow me into an inner room.
Here are the Christian symbol and the name
That Christians worship ; texts, and scraps of psalms ;
For instance. Non confundar in (sternum,
Reus nobiscum, and what not. So come.
And we these scattered items will digest
Into a proclamation, which shall fire _
My subjects’ conscience; of whose pious rage
The conflagration Europe shall inflame :
And holy Russia shall one half the globe
Confound in ruin, blood and massacre.
\Exit Emperor, Nesselrodi following.
A Lean Excuse.
The Postmaster-General refuses to increase the salaries of the poor
Letter-Carriers for fear they should get too fat, and not be able to
accomplish the large amount of walking which they are at present
called upon to do !
209
HARD AS A BOARD.
fierce conflict is now raging
between tbe Guardians of
the Poor, in the various
parishes of England, and
the medical men whom the
said Guardians employ.
The tactics of the Guar-
dians are simple but effec-
tive. They take advantage
of the overcrowded state of
the medical profession, and
of the desire of its rising-
members to obtain some
public appointments which
may give them standing, to
offer the very smallest pos-
sible remuneration for the
services rendered by them.
The medical men, on the
other hand, have no re-
source but to do their duty
to those under their care,
and to appeal, on every fit-
ting occasion, to the Guar-
' dians’ sense of shame, though, of course, such appeals are about as futile
as an attempt to coerce a rhinoceros by whipping him with a play-bill.
I Mr. Arthur, the Medical Officer to the Poor at Deptford, recently
1 tendered the following receipt to the Guardians of the Greenwich
Union:—
“ Received from the Guardians of the Greenwich Union the paltry sum of £20, for
thirteen weeks extra service as house-to-house visitor, sanitary inspector, and for
medicines supplied to the sick poor of Deptford, by which I find my services as a
Professional Man, are valued at the same rate as those of a journeyman mechanic.”
The Greenwich Guardians have been so delighted with Mr. Arthur’s
testimony to their economy, that they have forwarded the document to
the Poor Law Commissioners, in the belief that it will obtain for them
a certificate of good conduct, or perhaps even a medal, formed of
congenial brass. We fear, however, that they will be disappointed, as
the competition is very great.
Punch does not himself know whether to accord the palm to them,
! or to the Guardians of those two unions who pay their medical man
j a salary of £2 per annum for attendance and medicines; or to the
Guardians of Todmorden, where the medical officer earned £7 12s. in
i one year, for attendance upon, and medicines supplied to a population
of 11,000 persons; or to the Guardians of the Rochdale Union, who
appointed a Surgeon to vaccinate under the New Act, but paid him
i under the Old Act, whereby they saved a shilling per case; or to the
Risbridge Board, who, when they were required to name some public
places to which the poor might bring their children for vaccination,
j selected the belfries of the different churches in the district, as being
nice cold, damp, and windy apartments, in which the congregated
infants might catch catarrhs and rheums.
Punch trusts that Mr. Baines has his eye upon these things, and
means to reward the Guardians according to their deserts, and he
i hopes to see the day when these Guardians, like Addison’s Cato, shall
have, not only their Baines, but their Antidotes.
APOPLEXY MADE EASY.
Some days since Mr. Punch was startled from the propriety which
usually characterises his actions, by the sight of the following terrific
I advertisement:—
TO ALL WHO ARE IN WANT OF A FIT —The importance of
which requires no elucidation to convince the most sceptical .how indispensably
necessary it is to health, comfort, and appearance.”
As Mr. Punch met with this startling proposition in the advertising
j columns of the Lancet, he could but look on its author as a homceopa-
1 thist, who, thinking that similia similibus curantur, had got it into his
: head that a slight attack of apoplexy or paralysis might be indispensably
necessary to the health, comfort, and appearance of those who had
reason to dread either malady. Perhaps (thought Mr. Punch) the man
has found means to avert apoplexy by inoculating people with indiges-
| tion; but the more remarkable feature of his theory is, that a fit is
! indispensably necessary to the appearance, a notion quite at variance
with that generally entertained.
The advertisement then continued thus
“ R. T. Pigbam, while willing to avoid the present system of puffing, adopts this
means of making known his Self-Acting Indicator of the Human Figure.”
I Taking this paragraph in connection with that which preceded it, it
was clear that “the present system of puffing,” which R. Pigram
I
wished, to avoid, must be the short-windedness, and wr.eezy, stertorous
breathing of persons disposed to apoplexy; and thence it followed that
the “ Self-Acting Indicator of the Human Figure ” must be, in all
probability, a machine for testmg the increased bulk of the patient, or,
perhaps, an elastic collar, so graduated as to show, day by day, the
growing thickness of the neck. Having stated his case, R. T. Pigram
became taciturn, and abruptly wound up his prelection with the fol-
lowing axiom and corollary—
“ An invention can only be known by its results. A trial will not only give satis-
faction, but will justify in favouring R. T. Pigram with their recommendations.”
Mr. Punch tried for awhile to discover from whom these recommen- |
dations were to be extorted; but, failing in the attempt, began seriously
to meditate the purchase of the “ Self-Acting Indicatorfor since his
abandonment of nis former migratory life, he has grown somewhat fat
and plethoric. And lo ! at this crisis came some one, who told him
that R. T. Pigram was a Tailor. But Punch cannot believe this.
ANOTHER SCENE FROM
“ THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN.”
An SFnfmfefjsir Urania.
Scene.—St. Petersburg. A Room m the Palace.
The Emperor and Nesselrode.
Emp. Of hostile England, whose detested isle
May Neptune’s flood o’erwhelm ! King
Charles the First
Did come to lose his head. Ha!—lose his
head ?—
To think a crowned head may be lost i
Ness. My liege,
That English monarch was too liberal; made
Too large concessions ; did not entertain
The high opinion that he should have held
Of his prerogative and kingly right.
That lowness ’twas which brought him to the
block.
Emp. More blockhead he. Well; him—this
foolish king—
Did Oliver Cromwell conquer and dethrone.
Ness. Your Majesty doth draw full buckets up
From the profound well of true history.
Emp. That Oliver Cromwell was a clevtfr
dog.
Ness. He was a dog, an’t like your Majesty,
Of sharper nose than common.
Emp. I remember
That Cromwell had a saying, relative
Unto the troops he raised against the King,
His Ironsides. “ I ’ll choose,” said Oliver,
“ Men -who some conscience have of what they
do.”
He chose his men of conscience—and he won.
What’s Conscience ?
Ness. Sire, I cannot tell: the term
Is too abstruse and metaphysical.
Emp. This Cromwell’s soldiers were ealied Puritans.
They quoted texts ; they preached long homilies ;
Sang psalms i’ the nose ; and turned their eyeballs up.
Then surely Conscience means fanatic zeal.
Ness. Your Majesty hath hit the nail o’ the head.
Emp. And I will drive it home. Come, Nesselrode,
And follow me into an inner room.
Here are the Christian symbol and the name
That Christians worship ; texts, and scraps of psalms ;
For instance. Non confundar in (sternum,
Reus nobiscum, and what not. So come.
And we these scattered items will digest
Into a proclamation, which shall fire _
My subjects’ conscience; of whose pious rage
The conflagration Europe shall inflame :
And holy Russia shall one half the globe
Confound in ruin, blood and massacre.
\Exit Emperor, Nesselrodi following.
A Lean Excuse.
The Postmaster-General refuses to increase the salaries of the poor
Letter-Carriers for fear they should get too fat, and not be able to
accomplish the large amount of walking which they are at present
called upon to do !