Punch (37.1859)

176

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 29, 1859.

A CLASSICAL DUET.

CARMINIS PERSON*.
Horace . . Policeman.

Lyi.ia . . . Cook.

What’s the Matter with him?—Why, the fact ts, tiie Stupid and Greedy Boy has
Mistaken for Jam, and swallowed; a rather fixe specimen of the Actinea Equina,
or Purple Sea Anemone, which Aunt Foozle has brought from the Coast !

HORACE.

While ho more welcome legs than mine,
On thy warm hearth might snugly twine ;
Thy perquisites while I possessed,

Of all the Force none lived more blest.

LYDIA.

While thou didst court no other cook.

At Number Eight cast no sly look ;

For none but thee cared I a buttcm,

To none so freely gave cold mutton.

HORACE.

Me now the cook at Number Eight,

Meets nightly at the area-gate ;

And brings me proofs of love so sweet,

I’d die ere I would change my beat!

LYDIA.

B 52 now fires my love.

And flares all other flames above :

Two roastings daily I would face
Ere from my hearth him I’d displace!

HORACE.

What if thy former love returns,

(Aside.) And for thy savings how he yearns!
I f N umber Eight for me no more
Need leave ajar the kitchen-door?

LYDIA.

Though he has whiskers black a? night,

And yours are stubbly, scant, and light,

Yet, Number Eight if thou’It give up.

With thee I ’ll tea—with thee I ’ll sup V

A FEMALE BRIAREUS WANTED.

There are two employments, the one reserved for masculine, tlie
other kept exclusively for feminine aspirants, in which were a Briareus
one of the employed, he would soon find his hundred hands full of the
duties that devolved on them. Not only are the persons filling these
positions required to devote their brains and bodies to the service, but
they find they have 1o be, as far as humanly is possible, ubiquity per-
sonified and coupled with omniscience. Of these two occupations,_ the
first is that, of Special Correspondent to a newspaper, more especially
wiien travelling from camp to camp as war-reporter; and the second
that of Governess to a large family of small children, such for instance
as that mentioned in the following advertisement:—

’ll!ANTED, by a Lady residing about thirty miles from Manchester,
' ' a daily Governess, accustomed to tuition, to educate nine children, all under
eleven years of age. She must be competent to instruct them in English, French,
Music, and Drawing. Salary, £100 a year. Apply, &c.

If these nine children be members of one and the same family, we
may assume that, inasmuch as they are all “under eleven,” one or two
of them can hardly be much more than three or four. Indeed we
probably should not be far wrong in presuming that the youngest of the
nine is not yet out of long clothes, and that the next has still the taste
of pap upon its palate. To “educate” a pupil of such tender age as
this appears to us a work more fitted for a Nursemaid than a Governess,
and we think that for the words “accustomed to tuition” there should
have been inserted “used to rock a cradle.” It seems preposterous to
talk of “instructing” such mere babies in “English, French, and
Music,” to say nothing of “ Drawing.” Simultaneously to teach an
infant French and English would be no easy thing to do before the
child has learnt to talk; and wdiat instruction could be given it in
Music or in Drawing we must confess that it completely puzzles us to
guess. The music of the rattle is about the only music for which
babies show an ear; and wTe know no other instrument which they can
fake a turn at, unless it is the handle of some older child’s harmonicon,
and this they are quite sure nine times in ten to break. Moreover, as
for trying to teach a baby drawing, we really cannot see what advantage
would accrue from it. The only designs of which a baby’s brain seems
capable, are designs upon Pa’s watch chain or the pulling of his
whiskers; and no good can result from teaching children drawing,
until they are competent to draw their own perambulators.

We have always had a horror of all infantine phenomena, and we
hoped that, thanks to Punch, the growth of^them had stopped. But
lias advertisement reminds us that the Blimber race is not yet utterly

extinct, and that there are still existing parents who delight to cram
their children with a surfeit of instruction, and weaken their young
minds by their efforts to digest it. If the lady above advertised were
allowed to have her way, she would doubtless fill her family so full of
education, that there wrnuld be no room left for the growth of some-
thing better in them. Prematurely skilled in language and accomplish-
ments, they would thereby be stunted in the growth of those good
qualities, which by nature are implanted in every young brain, and
which are w-eakened if not killed by the noxious forcing system. For
her children’s sake we therefore hope in all sincerity, that this lady
will not get the governess she “ wmnts” for them; and in spite of the
large salary she offers for the work, we doubt if any governess “accus-
tomed to tuition ” would be willing to perform it. Aspirants for the
place may, we rather think, depend, that something’ more than mere
tuition will be wanted for nine children, who are all under eleven.
Indeed, it seems to us quite certain, that whoever may consent to
undertake the situation, will find that in addition to her labours as a
Governess, she will be in some degree entrusted with the duties which
usually devolve upon a Maid-of-all-work.

“ WHAT TO EAT, DEINK, AND AVOID.”

A Copy of this little book Las been sent to Prince Albert, with
the compliments of one of the Members of the British Association. At
the same time, the hope was expressed that the next time the Associa-
tion pays Balmoral a visit, the Members may be allowed their free
choice of the three occupations, and not be restricted, as they were on
the last occasion, simply to the third, and that the least inviting, viz. :—
“ What to Avoid.” We can only say that the remedy is a very simple
one, and is in the Association’s own hands. Since it was puzzled to
know “ What to Eat ? ” or “Drink ? ” the next best thing is to ascer-
tain “What to Avoid? ” and the answer is plain enough—Balmoral.

Nathan’s Clerical Costumes.

r\ATHOLIC.—To Sacristans, Footmen of the Superior Roman
Catholic Clergy, and Others. A Clergyman of the Church op England will
be happy to receive any Amount of the Left-Off Vestments of Roman Catholic
Priests : as Copes, Stoles, Chasubles, Dalmatics, &c. : for which he is prepared
to give the highest prices. He will also be glad to purchase Old Beads, Rosaries, and

worn-out, broken, or defaced Images. For particulars, Address Rev. B-Iv-,

Rectorv, St. George’s-in-rhe-East.

fsT A Liberal Allowance made for Holy Candle-Ends, and Waste Incense