Punch (41.1861)

July 6, 1861.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE DOLEFUL BALLADE

OF

YOUNG BILL OF BANKRUPTCIE, AND YE CRUEL LORDES.

The Lawyers they walke in Lincolne’s Inn,

Sae do they in Westminster Ha’,

Sae does the Members o’ Parliament
Quhaa they play at the jaw.

But o’ Lawyers and Members is nane so proud
As Sir Bicharde ye Bethel to see,

Wi’ his briefes three-piled, and his ane faire cliilde.

Young Bill o’ Bankruptcie.

“ Now gae and play, my ain younge Bill,

Shapeliest o’ shapelie bairns:

Lang ere they’ll see the match o’ thee
Turned out by Hugh o’ Cairns.”

They hae hit my flaws, and pared the claws
Ye trimmed sae fair to see.

“ Gae hame, gae hame, my father deir,

Tak nae mair heed o’ me;

I’m no the Bill that ye sent oot,

Sae blithe and bright o’ blee.”

Then it’s up and spak Sir Bichard,

And a grisly oath he swore,

(The rest of the MS. is wanting. Diligent search is now being made
for the conclusion of this very curious old ballad among the MS. and
printed treasures of the Cottonian and Pepysian libraries.

It is apparently founded on the same occurrence as the ballad printed
in Percy’s Collections under the title of The Jew's Daughter. On
the same incident Chaucer has founded his Prioress's Tale. The
Percy ballad, like the one Mr. Punch has given above, is a fragment.)

Then awa’ and awa’ went that bonnie Bill,

’Twas its father’s bairne I trow.

To the cock o’ the nose and the lisp o’ the lip,

And the brass upon the brow.

Oh, proude it ran and proude it rade,

As who ’d say “ Here I am; ”

The smooth it stept, and the rough it leapt,

To the Lordes’ House till it cam.

Then oot cam St. Leonards—that cruel Lorde,

Said, “ Come in, my Bill so fine;

We’ 11 busk thy brow, and dight thy mou’.

And trim yon claws o’ thine.”

“ My brow is buskit, my mou’ is dight!

Nane claws o’ mine maun trim;

My father, I ween, hath graitht me right,

And wha mends after him ?"

Then oot and cam the Lorde Chelmseorde,

Black Wensleydale oot cam he ;

They hae lured the young thinge in, wi’ worde
And act o’ curtesye.

They hae ta’en out each a little penknife,

And split him hair by hair;

They hae twined the young thinge and his life,—-
Wi’ their cuts sae sharp and sair.

And oot, at each job, cam the thick, thick blind,

And oot at each cut the thin;

They hae hacked and gashed, and snipped and slashed,
Nor left whole inch of skin.

They streikt him oot upon the borde,

And dressed him fair and fine.

And laughing said, “ Gae now and greet
That modest father o’ thine.”

They hae rowed him in the parchment scroll.

And tied him wi’ the tape.

And cast him in at a pigeon-hole,

Wi’ bitter jest and jape.

Whenne prayers were read, and wi’ wig on head.

The Speaker his seat had ta’en,

Then ilka Member had his younge Bill,

But Sir Bichard he had nane!

He rolled his gray eyne round about,

And he prayed (?) not loud but deep ;

And he ran unto the Lordes’ Office,

Quhair the clerkes were all asleepe.

“ My bonny young Bill, my pretty young Bill
I pray thee to me speik.”

“ Oh, father search the fourth pigeon-hole,

Gin ye your Bum wad seik.”

Sir Bichard ran to the fourth pigeon-hole.

And knelt upon his knee,

“ My bonny young Bill, an ye be here,

I pray thee speik to me! ”

“ The Lordes were wondrous cruel, father—

Their cuts are wondrous sair;

There’s St. Leonard’s his penknife in my hert.

And Wensleydale’s in my hair.

“ It ’s ne’er a judge Brougham gars ye have.

Nor Lyndhurst a trade assignee ;

PITY THE POLICE.

he Horse Guards have, in the
matter of accoutrement, a
body of formidable rivals over
the way. These are the autho-
rities who preside over the
equipment and clothing of the
Constabulary Blues in Scot-
land Yard.

The boots of Policemen
have long been objects remark-
able for their excessive clum-
siness and disproportion. They
are obviously uncomfortable;
that we see, although none
but the wearer can know
where the shoe pinches. But
the head of the Policemen is
even worse clad than his feet
are, though the demerits of
his hat are less conspicuous
than those of his highlows.

The objectionable pecu-
liarities of the Policeman’s
hat are chiefly its extreme
hardness and excessive weight,
which is greatest at the crown,
so that the thing is not only
heavy, but top-heavy. It gets,
therefore, instantly knocked off in a row, and leaves unprotected the
head which it was designed to defend. The glazed top attracts the
heat of the sun when that luminary presides over the beat of the
wearer. Thus rendering him hot-headed, it necessarily _ hinders his
obedience to the standing-order of his corps, which requires that, “ a
Constable should on all occasions execute his duty with good temper
and discretion.”

The hat of the Policeman has been compared, to a chimney-pot,
wherefrom, however similar to it in shape and weight, it differs in the
important particular of not allowing the heat and exhalations which
ascend into it to escape. In want of elasticity, its resemblance to that
other cylinder is perfect. Hence it effectually resists that expansion of
the Policeman’s cranium which is a condition_requisite to accompany
the progressive mental development of an intelligent officer.

By night, when the path of the Policeman’s duty is irradiated by the
silvery moon, or the refulgence of the gas-lamps, the glimmer reflected
by his glazed hat-cover enables thieves to recognise him at a distance,
and elude the vigilance of their pursuer. The glazed hat thus answers
a purpose which could not be more effectually served by appending a
contrivance to the tail of his coat like the apparatus which Nature has
attached to that of the rattlesnake.

The necks of Policemen are moreover constringed with high stiff
collars and rigid leather stocks, deserving the name of black chokers,
which necessarily cause congestion of the brain. This organ of the
mind, thus overgorged with blood, undergoes a baking process within
the head enclosed by the glazed hat. Such stocks might serve for the
punishment of evil-doers, but should be banished from the uniform. of
those whose vocation it is to take offenders into custody. The police
force is not too numerous, but it may be truly said to be overstocked. .

The stock of the Policeman is no light grievance, and the hat is
still heavier. The Commissioners of Police are respectfully solicited
to take stock, and hat also, with a vieiv to necessary reform in both
particulars. They will not, surely, after this appeal, continue to expose
themselves to the too well-merited banter implied in the popular
question, “ Who’s your Hatter ? ”