DOI issue:
August 9, 1862
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16870#0066
I
58
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[August 9, 1862.
THE PRESENT CHARMING FASHION OF LONG SKIRTS.
Hwwstly, now—ivhich of the Two ought to apologise to the other ]
“ A CHARITABLE STAR.”
Please to read this, which was in the Morning Star:—
“ At present. Lord Palmerston does not profess to care even to
conciliate either his own colleagues or his avowed supporters. He
draws his encouragement and his cheers from the illegitimate in-
fluence of the Tory party. He is like a saucy servant who thinks she
can afford to disregard the lawful authority of mistress so Jong as
she secures the admiring glances and the secret support of master.”
Well! for a respectable and pious young paper, brought
up in a decorous Dissenting family, and especially patted
on the head by a Quaker, this is what may be called rather
spicy. In what highly proper grocer’s establishment where
the sugar is sanded before Evening Privilege, did our young
friend ever see anything of the kind he describes so
amusingly ? Because such things never occur in a gentle-
man’s house. We fear that he must have been carelessly
apprenticed. So the Tories are Master, and the Liberals
are Mistress, and Pam is House-Maid. And who is the
broken down Baker, who was a very useful tradesman, and
liked at the House, while he kept to liis own line, but having
got into speculations he did not understand, has made a
mess of it, and who abuses the House-Maid because she
likes to see the soldiers go by. Eh, Richard ?
THE LAP OE LUXURY.
We notice that in the Western Annexe of the Great
Exhibition that there is “ a machine for milking the four
teats of a cow at the same time.” It is said in “ point of
time, labour, and cleanliness, to far surpass milking by
hand.” Its lightness of touch, too, is wonderful, combining,
as we are informed, the “ suaviter in modo ” with the four-
teat-er in re in a style that is sure to cast every dairy-maid
in the kingdom out of the milk-pail of society. We are only
thinking if a few of these milking-machines could be intro-
duced into the milky-way what a lacteal deluge there would
be, what a cat’s millennium would ensue, to the great horror
and bankruptcy of the dairymen, who, in their overflowing
despair, would probably seek a watery grave by drowning
themselves in their own milk-pails.
The School oe Adversity.—Want of gold, occasioned
by democratic extravagance, may teach the citizens of the
Federal Republic the value of a Sovereign.
UNJUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE.
To the Prince de Joinville.
My Prince,
The Daily Telegraph has published some letters writen by you
to the Duke D’Aumale, describing the battle of the Chickahominy,
and extolling the valour of the Count de Paris, and the Duke de
Chartres, displayed in that engagement. If it is not too impertinent
a question, allow me to ask : What business had you there ? That of
making political, capital, and learning the art of war, I am informed.
But pray what right had you to study the art of war at the expense of
the Confederates, and to make political capital out of their blood ?
I find you writing as follows :—
“I was admiring the grandeur of the scene spread out before me—we had about
35,000 men engaged, a numerous artillery, the reserve of cavalry, the lancers with
their floating pennons—all in the midst of a most picturesque country, and the
whole illuminated by the blood-red rays of the setting sun.”
Certainly it was very polite of the Sun to place himself in keeping
with the scene which was affording you so much satisfaction. A most
accommodating Sun to look down on a scene of fratricide, and emit
blood-red rays to match. It did not occur to you perhaps, absorbed in the
interesting spectacle of Americans cutting Americans’ throats assisted
by your nephews, who were in the thick of the fight—to examine your
own fingers. Physically, perhaps, they were of my colour, but viewed in
a moral light were they not stained with the blood of people who had
done you no wrong; were they not, in short, crimson with murder P
I no[> how am I to understand the ensuing passage in your letter.
\v hen the Federals and your gallant nephews ran away, you say:—
1 joms'i a officers who attempted to check the artillery, and we succeeded
by absolutely barring the way and seizing the horses by the bridles. By that
means, we were enabled to put two or three pieces in position on the slope of a hill,
and with, them we harassed the enemy by the last rays of day.”
Harassing the enemy with pieces in position means killing and
wounding those on whom you fire. What harm had the Confederate
troops ever done you that you should kill or wound them P What
authority had you to shoot them, any more than I have to shoot you,
and it I did should not I be a murderer ?
Having saved yourselves from the pursuing Southern troops, you
proceed to give your brother and me the ensuing information:—
“ We embark upon the Galena. While there a report is sent from the rear, an-
nouncing that a powerful body of the enemy is advancing towards the position
occupied by Porter. Immediately we re-ascend the river in order to throw the
weight of our cannon-baUs into the scale, and open a fierce fire.”
Do you ? And what excuse have you to plead in extenuation of
your gratuitous ferocity ? And was the scale into which you were
pleased to throw the weight of your cannon-balls that of Justice or
Tyranny ? The conclusion of your adventures on board the Galena is
less glorious than amusing :—
“ The lieutenant is at the mast-head with a signal officer, who telegraphs with
the men who work Porter’s signals, which are placed on the roof of a house in
order to direct our fire. I also climb up to the mast-head, in spite of my jack-boots
and spurs.”
I wish one of my artists could have seen you:—
“ In the heat of the action the helmsman forgets to steer straight, and the Galena
runs ashore. A disagreeable thing, as immediately the enemy covers the neigh-
bourhood with sharpshooters. We at last get oif, and Porter’s fire slackens.”
The remainder of your “ pitiful story ” is briefly told. You and your
nephews show friends and enemies a clean pair of heels, and decamp,
or, as your late allies say, absquotilate. President Lincoln very
properly refuses to receive you; but lie should have done that before,
when you offered him the swords of amateur assassins, I would say, if
I thought you had killed anybody. But I will cherish the hope that
your balls flew wide of the mark, and that you have really eaten as
many Confederates.as you killed, so that the guilt which you have by
your own account incurred may not amount to more than shooting
with intent, and you are only on a par with an offender who deserves,
though by the law of England he is not liable, to be hanged.
Accept, my Prince, the assurance of my distinguished disapprobation,
P.S. One of our poets has said that—
“ They who in quarrels interpose,
Must often wipe a bloody nose.”
It appears that you have not had that honour. The nose, however,
is not in danger of bleeding in battle when the part of the head exposea
to danger is the occiput.
58
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[August 9, 1862.
THE PRESENT CHARMING FASHION OF LONG SKIRTS.
Hwwstly, now—ivhich of the Two ought to apologise to the other ]
“ A CHARITABLE STAR.”
Please to read this, which was in the Morning Star:—
“ At present. Lord Palmerston does not profess to care even to
conciliate either his own colleagues or his avowed supporters. He
draws his encouragement and his cheers from the illegitimate in-
fluence of the Tory party. He is like a saucy servant who thinks she
can afford to disregard the lawful authority of mistress so Jong as
she secures the admiring glances and the secret support of master.”
Well! for a respectable and pious young paper, brought
up in a decorous Dissenting family, and especially patted
on the head by a Quaker, this is what may be called rather
spicy. In what highly proper grocer’s establishment where
the sugar is sanded before Evening Privilege, did our young
friend ever see anything of the kind he describes so
amusingly ? Because such things never occur in a gentle-
man’s house. We fear that he must have been carelessly
apprenticed. So the Tories are Master, and the Liberals
are Mistress, and Pam is House-Maid. And who is the
broken down Baker, who was a very useful tradesman, and
liked at the House, while he kept to liis own line, but having
got into speculations he did not understand, has made a
mess of it, and who abuses the House-Maid because she
likes to see the soldiers go by. Eh, Richard ?
THE LAP OE LUXURY.
We notice that in the Western Annexe of the Great
Exhibition that there is “ a machine for milking the four
teats of a cow at the same time.” It is said in “ point of
time, labour, and cleanliness, to far surpass milking by
hand.” Its lightness of touch, too, is wonderful, combining,
as we are informed, the “ suaviter in modo ” with the four-
teat-er in re in a style that is sure to cast every dairy-maid
in the kingdom out of the milk-pail of society. We are only
thinking if a few of these milking-machines could be intro-
duced into the milky-way what a lacteal deluge there would
be, what a cat’s millennium would ensue, to the great horror
and bankruptcy of the dairymen, who, in their overflowing
despair, would probably seek a watery grave by drowning
themselves in their own milk-pails.
The School oe Adversity.—Want of gold, occasioned
by democratic extravagance, may teach the citizens of the
Federal Republic the value of a Sovereign.
UNJUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE.
To the Prince de Joinville.
My Prince,
The Daily Telegraph has published some letters writen by you
to the Duke D’Aumale, describing the battle of the Chickahominy,
and extolling the valour of the Count de Paris, and the Duke de
Chartres, displayed in that engagement. If it is not too impertinent
a question, allow me to ask : What business had you there ? That of
making political, capital, and learning the art of war, I am informed.
But pray what right had you to study the art of war at the expense of
the Confederates, and to make political capital out of their blood ?
I find you writing as follows :—
“I was admiring the grandeur of the scene spread out before me—we had about
35,000 men engaged, a numerous artillery, the reserve of cavalry, the lancers with
their floating pennons—all in the midst of a most picturesque country, and the
whole illuminated by the blood-red rays of the setting sun.”
Certainly it was very polite of the Sun to place himself in keeping
with the scene which was affording you so much satisfaction. A most
accommodating Sun to look down on a scene of fratricide, and emit
blood-red rays to match. It did not occur to you perhaps, absorbed in the
interesting spectacle of Americans cutting Americans’ throats assisted
by your nephews, who were in the thick of the fight—to examine your
own fingers. Physically, perhaps, they were of my colour, but viewed in
a moral light were they not stained with the blood of people who had
done you no wrong; were they not, in short, crimson with murder P
I no[> how am I to understand the ensuing passage in your letter.
\v hen the Federals and your gallant nephews ran away, you say:—
1 joms'i a officers who attempted to check the artillery, and we succeeded
by absolutely barring the way and seizing the horses by the bridles. By that
means, we were enabled to put two or three pieces in position on the slope of a hill,
and with, them we harassed the enemy by the last rays of day.”
Harassing the enemy with pieces in position means killing and
wounding those on whom you fire. What harm had the Confederate
troops ever done you that you should kill or wound them P What
authority had you to shoot them, any more than I have to shoot you,
and it I did should not I be a murderer ?
Having saved yourselves from the pursuing Southern troops, you
proceed to give your brother and me the ensuing information:—
“ We embark upon the Galena. While there a report is sent from the rear, an-
nouncing that a powerful body of the enemy is advancing towards the position
occupied by Porter. Immediately we re-ascend the river in order to throw the
weight of our cannon-baUs into the scale, and open a fierce fire.”
Do you ? And what excuse have you to plead in extenuation of
your gratuitous ferocity ? And was the scale into which you were
pleased to throw the weight of your cannon-balls that of Justice or
Tyranny ? The conclusion of your adventures on board the Galena is
less glorious than amusing :—
“ The lieutenant is at the mast-head with a signal officer, who telegraphs with
the men who work Porter’s signals, which are placed on the roof of a house in
order to direct our fire. I also climb up to the mast-head, in spite of my jack-boots
and spurs.”
I wish one of my artists could have seen you:—
“ In the heat of the action the helmsman forgets to steer straight, and the Galena
runs ashore. A disagreeable thing, as immediately the enemy covers the neigh-
bourhood with sharpshooters. We at last get oif, and Porter’s fire slackens.”
The remainder of your “ pitiful story ” is briefly told. You and your
nephews show friends and enemies a clean pair of heels, and decamp,
or, as your late allies say, absquotilate. President Lincoln very
properly refuses to receive you; but lie should have done that before,
when you offered him the swords of amateur assassins, I would say, if
I thought you had killed anybody. But I will cherish the hope that
your balls flew wide of the mark, and that you have really eaten as
many Confederates.as you killed, so that the guilt which you have by
your own account incurred may not amount to more than shooting
with intent, and you are only on a par with an offender who deserves,
though by the law of England he is not liable, to be hanged.
Accept, my Prince, the assurance of my distinguished disapprobation,
P.S. One of our poets has said that—
“ They who in quarrels interpose,
Must often wipe a bloody nose.”
It appears that you have not had that honour. The nose, however,
is not in danger of bleeding in battle when the part of the head exposea
to danger is the occiput.