DOI issue:
October 17, 1863
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16872#0173
102
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[October 17, 1663.
HOW, WHEN, AND WHERE?
OR, THE MOO ERIN TOURIST'S GUIDE TO THE CONTINENT.
eidelberg, or the Bridge,
the Town, and the Tower !
This is our next point. A
lazy old place, sure enough,
■with all theHTdle burghers
lounging in their shopdoors,
if there’s nothing doing.
Every one here seems to
have suddenly, in printers’
phrase, been set up in
small caps, for caps of all
sorts, sizes, and colours,
ornament the heads of the
University youths. They
are very free with their
swords, and the following
University rules are found
necessary:—
1. Any Student refusing
to give his name to the
Proctor in the streets, may
be immediately cut down
by the bull-dogs.
2. That in cramming for
examinations the armed
Students in statu pupillari
shall run through several
authors.
3. That every candidate at Matriculation shall be able to translate
Arnold’s Roman Sword Exercises.
You will be considered a great man among them if you appear as a
Professor of the Noble Art of Self Defence, and give Lectures on the
New Cut, Lambeth.
Of course the first thing you ’ll want to go and see is the Castle.
Well, you ’ll have to go up a hill. This Castle was taken once by the
French, and once by Mr. Turner, the celebrated artist. The Electors
Palatine, who used to live here, were people of bon Tun, as may be seen
if you visit the cellar, where stands the celebrated Tun, on the top of
which the peasants, when they were very jolly, used to dance. This
was when the vintage had been a good one, and. the happy rustics were
living on the vat of the land. There is some trick connected with a
fox’s brush, that starts out of somewhere suddenly, and hits you
anywhere when you pull a string, of which we have some vague and
unpleasant recollection; if you don’t want to know anything about it,
don’t pull any string, and you ’ll be safe.
Of course, while you are at Heidelberg you will stop at an Hotel.
Now the mention of an hotel naturally leads us to the subject of pickles.
You will be in a hurry to see the sights of the town, and desirous of
making a rapid act of feeding. No more rapid act can be made than
an attack upon cold beef and pickles. Tourist, beware in every place
of pickles. Few and far between are the instances of jars of these
luxuries being unadulterated. As a rule they are adulterated, and,
specially in Germany, with copper. Now copper in this form is first
cousin to poison, and it is admitted on all hands that it is unpleasant to
be poisoned anywhere, but specially in Germany, and more particularly
in Heidelberg. Now then the question is, do you understand the
science of Toxicology ? If you can’t pronounce this word, use any
other you like; such names are but arbitrary; but bear in mind that this
science has nothing to do with bows and arrows. On arriving therefore
at your inn, immediately inquire of the landlord if he is a Toxicologist;
the word may be sung or said according to fancy, powers of vocalisation,
or special opportunity. He may stammer out a reply, or he may not
understand you: in either case, Tourist beware, and having ordered at
once your cold collation, immediately attempt to detect the presence of
copper.
Now the first way to detect the presence of copper, is to offer the
lowest silver coin in your possession, and to ask for change for that
amount. If they are unable to give it you, be on your guard, lest all
the available copper may have been invested in pickles. If the sum in
the metal is given you, remember that it may be but the residue of what
has already been sunk in pickles. Cold steel will always attract copper;
and a celebrated Italian brigand, when in a genial and communicative
mood, once informed us that he had been able to detect the presence of
copper in a landlord’s pocket, by introducing a small and exquisitely
shaped dagger into the corporeal vicinity of that region. This is a
method which we would hardly advise the ordinary Tourist to adopt,
but as he loves his health and would avoid dyspepsia, let him study
Toxicology or whatever he likes to call it, and give his earnest consider-
ation to the subject of pickles. Experientia docet, and he who doesn’t1
take warning by our experientia, will have to “dose it” pretty con-
siderably. After this
we need hardly say
that you ’ll leave this
romantic town as
quickly as possible.
For ourselves,having
found that we were
treading upon this
mine of copper, we,
nearly exploding
with indignation,
took a light lunch-
eon, and then went
off with our present
report. Away to Ba-
den-Baden, merely
observing that the
railway by which
you travel has all its
seats (Murray savs)
“ comfortably stuffed
full,” and therefore
it must be very dif-
ficult to procure a
place to yourself.
Be careful to say
“That’s the Ticket,”
to the railway clerk,
when you take your
billet for Baden-Baden. You know the reputation of this place foi
gambling, of course, and therefore you will not be surprised on entering
the town at once to be asked by the Inspector of Police, “How
much you’ll stake on the black? or what are the odds against red
turning up three times running ? ”
Whether you look black or turn red upon being thus addressed, the
surrounding natives will call at your hotel, leave their cards upon you,
and subsequently give you their hands. Beware of such friendship.
Baden-Baden is a very damp place, and one of the chief residents, the
man who keeps the Bank at the Tables, suffers with the croup all. the
year round, and is therefore known as the Croupier. You will see
lenty of Hakes on and about this Board of green cloth. When you
ave lost more than two florins go away, take a pocket-pistol, and treat
yourself to a “blow out” at the nearest restaurant’s. Having
finished all your gamb’ling in the town, you can leave the valley and
gambol on the hills. There are some very pretty walks about the
place and some nice runs, the best being a good run of Luck in the
Conversationshaus.
The excursionist, although personally objecting to the monastic
system, should not refuse to take the vale of the Murg. Here you get
a foretaste, or rather a one taste, of the coming Switzerland. Sing
Tullatiety, Tulla li-he-ho, and prepare to be marching to the Margin ol
fair Zurich's waters, Tullaliety, da capo. By the way the first Merry
Swiss Boy we ever saw, had taken a great deal more fruit than was
good lor him, and was bemoaning his sad fate at the hands of a pe-
culiarly grim Swiss, or as she appeared in this instance, Swish matron.
Here we have the Merry Swiss Boy according to the popular not ion ol
that jovial character; and also the Merry Swiss Boy when he’s not
merry. Look on this picture and on that.
QUESTION EOR THE CLERK OF ST. BRIDE’S.
Why is a very stout Bridesmaid like a first-rate bottle of Claret ?
Because she’s all Body and Bouquet.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[October 17, 1663.
HOW, WHEN, AND WHERE?
OR, THE MOO ERIN TOURIST'S GUIDE TO THE CONTINENT.
eidelberg, or the Bridge,
the Town, and the Tower !
This is our next point. A
lazy old place, sure enough,
■with all theHTdle burghers
lounging in their shopdoors,
if there’s nothing doing.
Every one here seems to
have suddenly, in printers’
phrase, been set up in
small caps, for caps of all
sorts, sizes, and colours,
ornament the heads of the
University youths. They
are very free with their
swords, and the following
University rules are found
necessary:—
1. Any Student refusing
to give his name to the
Proctor in the streets, may
be immediately cut down
by the bull-dogs.
2. That in cramming for
examinations the armed
Students in statu pupillari
shall run through several
authors.
3. That every candidate at Matriculation shall be able to translate
Arnold’s Roman Sword Exercises.
You will be considered a great man among them if you appear as a
Professor of the Noble Art of Self Defence, and give Lectures on the
New Cut, Lambeth.
Of course the first thing you ’ll want to go and see is the Castle.
Well, you ’ll have to go up a hill. This Castle was taken once by the
French, and once by Mr. Turner, the celebrated artist. The Electors
Palatine, who used to live here, were people of bon Tun, as may be seen
if you visit the cellar, where stands the celebrated Tun, on the top of
which the peasants, when they were very jolly, used to dance. This
was when the vintage had been a good one, and. the happy rustics were
living on the vat of the land. There is some trick connected with a
fox’s brush, that starts out of somewhere suddenly, and hits you
anywhere when you pull a string, of which we have some vague and
unpleasant recollection; if you don’t want to know anything about it,
don’t pull any string, and you ’ll be safe.
Of course, while you are at Heidelberg you will stop at an Hotel.
Now the mention of an hotel naturally leads us to the subject of pickles.
You will be in a hurry to see the sights of the town, and desirous of
making a rapid act of feeding. No more rapid act can be made than
an attack upon cold beef and pickles. Tourist, beware in every place
of pickles. Few and far between are the instances of jars of these
luxuries being unadulterated. As a rule they are adulterated, and,
specially in Germany, with copper. Now copper in this form is first
cousin to poison, and it is admitted on all hands that it is unpleasant to
be poisoned anywhere, but specially in Germany, and more particularly
in Heidelberg. Now then the question is, do you understand the
science of Toxicology ? If you can’t pronounce this word, use any
other you like; such names are but arbitrary; but bear in mind that this
science has nothing to do with bows and arrows. On arriving therefore
at your inn, immediately inquire of the landlord if he is a Toxicologist;
the word may be sung or said according to fancy, powers of vocalisation,
or special opportunity. He may stammer out a reply, or he may not
understand you: in either case, Tourist beware, and having ordered at
once your cold collation, immediately attempt to detect the presence of
copper.
Now the first way to detect the presence of copper, is to offer the
lowest silver coin in your possession, and to ask for change for that
amount. If they are unable to give it you, be on your guard, lest all
the available copper may have been invested in pickles. If the sum in
the metal is given you, remember that it may be but the residue of what
has already been sunk in pickles. Cold steel will always attract copper;
and a celebrated Italian brigand, when in a genial and communicative
mood, once informed us that he had been able to detect the presence of
copper in a landlord’s pocket, by introducing a small and exquisitely
shaped dagger into the corporeal vicinity of that region. This is a
method which we would hardly advise the ordinary Tourist to adopt,
but as he loves his health and would avoid dyspepsia, let him study
Toxicology or whatever he likes to call it, and give his earnest consider-
ation to the subject of pickles. Experientia docet, and he who doesn’t1
take warning by our experientia, will have to “dose it” pretty con-
siderably. After this
we need hardly say
that you ’ll leave this
romantic town as
quickly as possible.
For ourselves,having
found that we were
treading upon this
mine of copper, we,
nearly exploding
with indignation,
took a light lunch-
eon, and then went
off with our present
report. Away to Ba-
den-Baden, merely
observing that the
railway by which
you travel has all its
seats (Murray savs)
“ comfortably stuffed
full,” and therefore
it must be very dif-
ficult to procure a
place to yourself.
Be careful to say
“That’s the Ticket,”
to the railway clerk,
when you take your
billet for Baden-Baden. You know the reputation of this place foi
gambling, of course, and therefore you will not be surprised on entering
the town at once to be asked by the Inspector of Police, “How
much you’ll stake on the black? or what are the odds against red
turning up three times running ? ”
Whether you look black or turn red upon being thus addressed, the
surrounding natives will call at your hotel, leave their cards upon you,
and subsequently give you their hands. Beware of such friendship.
Baden-Baden is a very damp place, and one of the chief residents, the
man who keeps the Bank at the Tables, suffers with the croup all. the
year round, and is therefore known as the Croupier. You will see
lenty of Hakes on and about this Board of green cloth. When you
ave lost more than two florins go away, take a pocket-pistol, and treat
yourself to a “blow out” at the nearest restaurant’s. Having
finished all your gamb’ling in the town, you can leave the valley and
gambol on the hills. There are some very pretty walks about the
place and some nice runs, the best being a good run of Luck in the
Conversationshaus.
The excursionist, although personally objecting to the monastic
system, should not refuse to take the vale of the Murg. Here you get
a foretaste, or rather a one taste, of the coming Switzerland. Sing
Tullatiety, Tulla li-he-ho, and prepare to be marching to the Margin ol
fair Zurich's waters, Tullaliety, da capo. By the way the first Merry
Swiss Boy we ever saw, had taken a great deal more fruit than was
good lor him, and was bemoaning his sad fate at the hands of a pe-
culiarly grim Swiss, or as she appeared in this instance, Swish matron.
Here we have the Merry Swiss Boy according to the popular not ion ol
that jovial character; and also the Merry Swiss Boy when he’s not
merry. Look on this picture and on that.
QUESTION EOR THE CLERK OF ST. BRIDE’S.
Why is a very stout Bridesmaid like a first-rate bottle of Claret ?
Because she’s all Body and Bouquet.