Punch (47.1864)

PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.

129

September 24, 1864.]

A Ml SIT TO MYNHEER VAN DUNK.

Dear Punch,

Schevening is the Ramsgate, Brighton, Hastings and Scar-
borough of Holland, and is distant only a short league from the Hague.
If you have fourpence you may ride there through a tunnel of green trees,
under which is a horse TRAiN-way, constructed on the Yankee plan that
’bus drivers abused with so much vocal vehemence when it was tried in
London. When suddenly I stumbled on this tramway at the Hague, I
said to a reflective fellow tourist at my elbow, “ Now here we see good
proof that the Dutchman hath a genius for mechanical invention even
as hath the go-ahead American or Briton. This railway is no doubt of
purely Dutch construction; Dutch both in manufacture and in the men
who manage it.” While thus I eloquent discoursed, behold, up came a
first-class carriage; and, to confirm my words, I overheard this frag-
ment of a dialogue between the Dutch Sub-manager and Dutch driver
of the train:—

First Dutchman [hastily). Now then, where’s them ’orses’ cloths,
Bill ?

Second ditto [calmly). Aven’t got ’em ’ere.

First ditto [savagely)'. Aven’t got ’em ’ere ? Then why the—British
expletive—ain’t yer got ’em ere ?

Schevening I should say must be a good place to be idle at, for there
are no nice shells to pick up, and no nice cliffs to climb, and no nice
boats to hire for fishing. All that you can do there, if you want some j
occupation, is to scramble up some sandhills until you fill your shoes, I
and then every five seconds to pull them off and empty them. Or you
may take a bath from a wonderful machine, a sort of old yellow post- j
chaise with an awning where the back should be. As the shore is very j
flat, you have to wade some distance before you wet your knees; but
! you will feel relieved to think that you are not in modest England, and !
j therefore not exposed to telescopic observation.

I think the straw hats of the fishwomen are decidedly the things
| the most worth looking at in Schevening (except perhaps the cottages
where live the wearers, which are a lesson to our poor folk in the way
of cleanliness). Mighty structures are these straw hats, an inch thick
at the least, and turned up in the side-brim to the semblance of a
cheese-cutter. Atop of them huge fish-baskets are balanced with much
I ease, while the broad brims save from soiling the neat white close-frilled
j caps, and clean-washed faces under them. Except among the visitors,

| I saw no Crinoline at Schevening; but I was grieved to see that else-
where its invasion was observable. And it pained me to remark that
{ bonnets were more common than they were ten years ago, and that the
j splendid old Dutch skull-plates were going out of fashion. These,
however, you still see upon some country village swellesses, who it may
be have inherited their grandeur from then grandmothers. Here and
there too you still see the corkscrew horns or hairpins, which are worn
so as to stick out on both sides of the forehead, and are intended, 1
believe, to frighten male admirers from attempting osculation.

Patrice quis exul Sea quoque fugit ?—you can’t well get to Holland
without crossing the sea ; and haply this to some people may act as a
deterrent. Eor myself, I sailed there in a yacht, and so escaped the
many smells a steamboat’s atmosphere is air to. (By the by, O brother j
yachtsman, bear in mind when you cruise there, to take your dingay
with you. A pull along the not-unlike-to-Venice streets of Rotterdam
is an amusing after-breakfast little bit of exercise, and funnily astonishes
the minds of female natives. Besides, there is famous gull and spoon-
bill, and teal, and other wildfowl shooting in the river, and bathing with
a seal in sight is quite a new thing to a Cockney.) But even, if you go
by steam the trip will well repay you. In this fast used-up age it is
worth a little seasickness to get a little novelty, and a few days at
the Hague will freshen your mind more than a good many at
Hastings. In the matter of amusements, if you are fond of music,
i you may hear Mozart for nothing; and if you want to shake your
toes, you may go to a “ Groot Bal met buitengewone illuminatie,”

| without any fear of finding it a foreign copy of Cremorne. You may
improve _ your Dutch, moreover, by studying the shop-fronts, and
speculating what is meant by “ Tapperij en Slitterij,” and whether
from the common word “ cigarrenhandel ” it be fan to guess that
handles are sold there for cigars. When you travel by a Spoorweg,
i or a railway as we call it, you will find the fare is posted on a board
outside the station, and that it is also printed on your ticket, to
save you from the chance of being swindled by the clerk; and as
the guard can walk along the train just when he pleases, you will
not much fear being murdered if you chance to fall asleep. Then
: if you love pictures, you may see Paul Potter’s Bull and the Anatomy
School of Rembrandt : and you may feast your eyes upon the kitchen
scenes of Teniers, the minutenesses of Mieris, the sea-pieces of Yan-
derveldt, and the drolleries of Jan Steen. By way of further novelty,

' you will not see an English painting in the galleries, and this a little
may surprise you, remembering what clever fellows you have left in
Easel Street and Maulstick Square at home. But everywhere you go,
you will see people who look the pictures of happiness and health, who
may remind you of some English living pictures you have love for
Clean, frugal and industrious; honest, civil and obliging; the Dutch

are not by any means a bad people to live among; and although John
Bull of course stands A 1 in the world, he might learn a few good
lessons from his friends across the sea. Men make money in Holland
as well as they do here, and to me they seem to make it far more quietly
and easily, and without the worry, flurry, and the wearing, tearing,
hurry-scurry now so common here.

Holland is, in fact, a pleasant country for a holiday, to those who
have no wish to make a labour of their leisure. There are no mountains
to climb, and but few lions to visit. The Haarlem organ is the principal,
but the afternoon I heard it, it was sadly out of tune, or else it may be,
I was. I was repaid though for my visit by seeing a Dutch christening.
The mothers sat in a big pew just underneath the pulpit; and at a given
signal the babies were brought in, each covered with a napkin, like a
tray of things for lunch. Each in turn was then uncovered and thrice
sprinkled by the priest, who sternly gave the mothers such a longwinded
jobation, that I should think they would be careful not to have another
christening to go through, if they anyhow could help it.

Moreover, let me hint that, though the beer is bad, the Schiedam is
undeniable; and O Brother, you can buy cigars at four or five a penny,
and can actually smoke them without suffering much harm. So take
a trip through Dutchland before going up the Rhine; and you will
enjoy the mountains more, for the molehills you have left.

Believe me, Punch, my booooy, yours with every etcetera of my
etcetera etcetera etcetera, Yagabundus

YOUNG HOUSEKEEPERS.

[On the Present High Price qf Meat)

“ Dearest in all the world are you;

But oh, how dear, love, Meat is, too !

Our Butcher’s bill runs up so high!

Come tell me, Erederick, tell me why ? ”

“ Why ? Because rogues can only cheat
By weight, or price, in selling meat.

Can’t, as in other things they can.

Mix rubbish with the food of man.

“ Bread, milk, and groceries, beer, and wine,
’Tis seldom we get genuine ;

But mutton must be sheep; a thief
Cannot adulterate his beef.”

“Yes, love, indeed there’s truth in that.

But then how large a lump of fat
They always skewer to the round,

And* charge it all the same a pound! ”

“ A LANG LEGGIT CALLANT AWANTING THE BREEKS.”

Much is said about the civilisation of the Highlands, and the rapid
adoption by then- inhabitants of English habits and manners. We
rejoice to believe that the mission of England is successful in the north.
But the following advertisement, from a Scottish journal, makes us feel
that there are cases in which all the teaching of the English tailor is
inadequate to put down ancient superstitions :—

IpOUND, a Pair of TROUSERS, on a Stair in Argyll Street, on Satur-
-P day Night. Apply to William Anderson, &c.

He could bear it no longer, that poor Donald Mactoddyladle. He
had endured the persecution of the iSaxon garb throughout the week,
but as the Sabbath approached, and he thought of the heather and the
wild deer, his feelings mastered him. He tore away the Sassenach
fetters, and bounded away due north. After all, it is not so ill takin’
the breeks off a Highlandman. We sympathise with the child of nature,
and recommend Mr. Anderson to have a brief interview with a child
of Israel.

WKere Next P

Punch is requested by His Excellency the Master of Ordnance to
the Sultan of Turkey to contradict a statement that the Master is
removing the time-honoured ruins of Troy. He has nothing to do with
it. The Yandals who are guilty are the London, Chatham, and Dover
Railway Company, who require the site of Troy for some of their new
premises.

Seraglio Point, Constantinople, Sept. 14th.

OVER-CAUTIOUS.

A Sincere Protestant writes to us to say, that, he never likes to
impart a secret to a Devout Romanist, because such an one is sure to
go and tell his Beads.