Punch (52.1867)

264

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[June 29, 1867,

PEEPS AT PARIS.

PEEP THE FOURTEENTH.

Ler Sooltarn aytarrevay! Veev ler Sooltarn! The Sultan has
arrived. I didn’t see him myself, but gather from my informant that
his ostentation (or rather, by way of a jerdymo, his oss-tentation, be-
cause this joke is about osses, as you’ll hear, vwoyay-voo ?) is beyond
imagination. Four Princes of his own Eastern blood dragged him in a
gorgeous vehicle from the Station. Yes, Sir, in this nineteenth cen-
tury, this Profound Potentate rode, I hear, in a carriage drawn by four
splendid Beys ! Such is Oriental magnificence, while I have to be con-
tented with urn Viooytoor arvek urn sh’val.

Oh, money, money ! ! Thou corrupting agent, thou destroyer, thou
edificator, thou, &c. (but this style is not included in larjong you
send me. Two hundred francs more, and up goes the style. Excelsior !)
The Working-Men from England are all here. What does England do
without ’em ?

Arpropo of that, I gave our old friend Bull—not John, but Nineveh
Bull, who superintends the Working-Men here—a jerdymo, which, in
order that he may not be tempted to use it as his own, I give to the
world. This was it: I defined the English bricklayer here for his
holiday as “ The hod-man out.” We (Lumpyraw, &c., after dinner)
screamed at this.

I have passed a pleasant afternoon in adjudicating on Musical In-
struments. My decision as to Pianos and Pickles was so correct, that
all the Commissioners implored me to decide the rival claims of the
Instrument-Makers. Juy larkseptay arvekplayseer.

In the room where I was to sit as Prime Juror, there was a perfect
fool of instruments. Fool is what our lively neighbours call a crowd.
Not very far out, from what I hear of your crowds just now in town,
mong ongfong. I gave the contending Instrument-Makers such an
afternoon of it!—hoisted them with their own ophecleides. I ’ll give
you a specimen. “ Vwoylar,” says I, pointing to a fat brazen instru-
ment about twenty feet high, with safety-valves all over it, “ Juay sir
keskersay lar.”

The maker told me its name. I could not catch it.

“ Narmport,” I returned, “Juay, juay! oo see voo ner vully par juay
jer donnyray ler pree oz otrr.”

Frightened at the threat, and struck by my complete mastery over
his native tongue, he jumped on a stool, and blowing into the top with
his mouth, watched me nervously with his left eye, the other being on
the music-paper.

“ Juay set flatchyolay ! ” I suddenly cried, pointing to another instru-
ment, when its owner least expected the command.

In a second the Exhibitor was on his knees before me, playing.

“ Taysay voo ! ” I exclaimed to Number One, who was still blowing
away over “ Partong poor lar Sirree-er.”

Poor creature ! he nearly fainted. He thought he had lost the prize,
and had hardly any wind left to support the blow.

“Assay!” I said to the flatchyolay player, and turning sharply on
a stout man daycoray as to his button-hole, I bade him discourse on a
sort of a tom-tom with strings, over which he was fondly bending.
He was apologetic:

“ Mossoo, jer lay formay,” he said, “ may jer ner pwee par les juay.”

“ Crrrrrr,” I scrunched between my teeth, angrily. “ Vartong /”

And on he went as well as he could. He calls it le dulcimer double.
He couldn’t play it a bit.

“ Sonnay sir trombone lar” said I, to a tall exhibitor. He understood
English. “ Not a tune : give me a few good notes.” He was impu-
dent about it. I kept him blowing there for half-an-hour straight off
with a sairjong der veal, with a drawn sword at his elbow.

I only let him go when he begged my pardon, and explained that
he’d got a wife and family waiting for him to come home to tea.

However, there they were for the afternoon, all a-blowing, all a-
growing as hot as possible, while I called first on this man, then on
that, then on the other, requiring a note here, a beat there, a chord
somewhere else, hitting one on the head, stopping another with my
foot, and so forth, as an Imperial Commissioner should do, until the
medical man, who was obliged to be called in, said that unless I gave
some one the prize at once, they’d all have to be conveyed to a
Mazong der Santay.

Then, Sir, these exhibitors dared to offer me paltry bribes. From
two francs downwards, I mean. I told them I would take thirty, to
show I was above their petty offers. I need only say that the meeting
terminated amicably, and that there was a prize given.

Voolly voomongvoyay der larjong tootd'sweet: voo navvaysongvoyay
kekshows say der s’mang. [I shall translate this into very plain English
in another journal, if you don’t comply. But you will, mong ongfong,
won’t you—nezpar f]

Prices of provisions are exorbitant. Even the lawyers are charging
extra for provisions in a will. (This is a specimen jerdyspree. Dee
frarnksurn er, that is, ten francs an hour, see my former list. “ Ray-
garday dong,” as the uneducated Englishmen said when he looked at a
church bell. That’s another jerdyspree : second quality. Weet frarnk-
surn er.)

Chickens are all very high.

All the pies are raised.

I have good French jokes der sankar weet frank.

International joke : rough specimen as follows :—What is the place
in Paris for ready money ?

Tour der Nail. If worked up, this jerdymo would go immensely. It
has the makings of a first-class witticism about it. Ardeurar praysong.

P. the G.

P.S. An Exhibitor of Instruments to whom I did not award a prize,
turns out to be a Raydarktur of & petty Jewernarl in some daypartmong
of the Sane or the Lwawr. He considers that in an article published
by me some time ago, I insulted him. He has called me out. He has
waived his right to choose weapons. The choice is with me. I’m
hanged if I know what to do. I must fight, for the honour of Old
England; and 1 will, too, but at this moment I regret to say I am con-
fined to my room with a severe bronchitis. His friend has called on
me. He says he will wait till I am well. He shall.

PP.S. I re-open this two days afterwards to say that I have decided.
We are to fight on horseback—on two horses’ backs, of course. The
Raydarktur, I hear, can’t ride, so the duel is put off, to give him time
to take a lesson. This is noble on my part. I insist upon encountering
him the morning after his riding-lesson. Full particulars soon.

VIVIAN GREY. (YOUNG AND OLD.)

(BY AN ANCIENT TRUE BLUE.)

Air—“ Auld Robin Gray.”

Old John Bull loved me well: and when “Church and State!”
1 cried,

And “ King and Constitution! ” he shouted at my side:

Till on Test and Corporation Acts I found myself at sea.

And then with other things than Trade there came a making free.

Emancipation passed : Reform: Corn-Laws were swept away;

The angrier I felt the less my wrath I could display :

I wanted Peel pitched into, but no one for that could see,

When young Vivian Grey came a-courting of me.

Lord George was great at figures, but a yarn he couldn’t spin:

While Vivian Grey had wealth of words and power of pitching in:

He made Peel’s life a burden, Derby’s right hand grew to be.

Then said, “ Don’t you think, old True Blue, you’d best take up
with me ? ”

My heart it said “ Nay: ” I hoped the clock-hands would go back :
But they didn’t; things grew worse and worse; the old ways began to
crack :

The old True Blue coach ceased running : I was left to cry “ woe’s
me,

“ To have seen the things that I have seen—to see the things I see ! ”

With a man who’s done one’s dirty work one feels ashamed to break ;

I knew what dirt young Vivian Grey had eaten for my sake.

So I gave him my hand, though Ms my heart could never be,

And Old Vivian Grey was a leader for me !

His lead I had followed some ten years, less or more.

When I found, one fine morning, a Reform Bill at my door !

I said, “ You’ve come to the wrong shop : Beales and Bright’s
the firm, not me ; ”

But it said, “ I’m sent by Vivian Grey—made law by you to be.”

Oh, long and low I swore, though little I did say :

For better and for worse I am tied to Vivian Grey :

I wish I was out, but out he doesn’t want to be ;

And I must do his dirty work, as he did mine for me.

King Mob to Britain’s throne-room I have invited in;

I’ve to eat my words and pledges, and don’t know where to begin :

But I must do my best a Household Suffrager to be.

For old Vivian Grey has so settled it for me !

From the Lobby.

It is not surprising that the proposal to give the Universities of
London and Durham a joint Member, should have found numerous
supporters—indeed, the strange thing would have been if the Durham
party had not mustered strong.

owe dear!

If the old system of imprisonment for debt were restored, we’d
better have the Fleet back again, and anchor it off Debt-ioxA.