Punch (53.1867)

October 5, 18G7.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

139

THE LONG VACATION.

Dear Mr. Punch, St. Boniface College, Oxford.

As tlie persecuted, victim of an iniquitous nuisance, I appeal
to you for that protection and assistance which you are never known
'to refuse to the deserving object. I repeat that I am the victim of an
iniquitous nuisanee. I allude. Sir, to the Long Vacation. Who was
the inventor of this detestable annual justitium, by which all one’s
friends and acquaintances are, for the space of lour months, scattered
over the face of the earth beyond any possibility of communication ?
Why this extraordinary annual diffusion of British youth over the
highways and hedges of Great Britain and Europe f When all one’s
chums are employed in fishing, shooting, walking, or vegetating in the
country, and all this at a time when there is positively nobody in town,
what is to become, I put it to you, Mr. Punch, ot the unfortunate
individual who is neither sportsman, fisherman, nor pedestrian, and
who is forbidden by his medical adviser to live in the country for more
than three days consecutively P After passing a week in constant

railway travelling, from London to Birmingham, and from Birmingham
to London; after consuming three days in riding from Charing Cross
to Brompton, and from Brompton to Charing Cross, I find even these
occupations begin to pall, and myself driven back to Oxford on the
dismal pretence of reading, and I have been for the last ten days enjoying
the exclusive society of scouts and bed-makers. I am in a position
fully to realise the emotions of the Wandering Jew, or Childe Harold,
or the Man in the Iron Mask. My overwrought feelings have sought
relief in some verses, which I enclose, as conveying a more vivid con-
ception of the feeble state of mind to which I am reduced, than any
other form of expression I could adopt. Do, Mr. Punch, lift up your
mighty voice and exert your colossal influence to annihilate this
preposterous system of Long Vacations.

And believe me, ever supplicatingly yours,

An Undergraduate, with every prospect of remaining so .

They talk of Long Vacations,

They prate of grouse and moors,

And sea-side relaxations,

And Continental tours ;

Welsh mountain and Swiss valley,
Alternate changes ring ;

With cricket and Aunt Sally—
You know the sort of thing.

Would I by mere volition
Could take a trip to Erance,

And at the Exhibition
Just take a flying glance.

Alas ! nought but vexation
Such idle fancies breed ;

Eor ’tis the Long Vacation,

And I’ve come up to read.

I wander to the Union
In solitary plight,

In search of some old crony, one
With whom 1 might unite.

No sign of animation
l see, and weary say,

Oh ! hang this Long Vacation,

And feebly turn away.

To-day I tried the river,

And pulled as in a dream ;

And with a nervous shiver
I looked upon the stream.

The boats were unfrequented,

The Christ Church walks were bare ;

The boatmen stood demented,

And gazed with wond’ring stare.

My scout observes my anguish,

With ill-concealed delight;

Observes my reading languish,

And said to me last night,

By way of consolation,

To fill my hitter cup :—

“ Lor, Sir ! in Long V acation
There’s never no one up.”

If I in Long Vacation
Again come up to read—

(What wild infatuation
Prompted the ghastly deed !)

May I be hanged instant.er,

And burnt my cap and gown !

“ Here, Jones ! pack my portmanteau.
And I’ll go back to town.”

“ PEN-AND-INK ! PEN-AND-INK ! ”

Mr. Punch,

“ Above all things. Sir, no zeal”—was it not that which your
crafty old friend, the Minister, ex-Bishop, said to a ’prentice diplo-
matist ? It may be thought by some that the gentlemen who preside
over that excellent association, the Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals, would do well to inculcate the advice of Talley-
rand on some of their subordinates. These vigilant people are
certainly down very sharp on anyone they can catch in the least degree
hurting an animal’s bodily feelings. No longer will any stick do to
beat a dog with. Mind how you beat a dog with any stick thick
enough to make him howl. Beware of dealing with an obstructive
dog as people were used to do when Shakspeare could put into the
mouth of Shylock the lines wherein he tells Signor Antonio, you did
subject me to such and such indignities -

“ And foot me, as you spurn a stranger cur
Over your threshold.”

If you happen to see a stranger cur on your threshold, Mr. Punch,
take care what you are about with him. If you do venture to spurn
and foot him, do it gently. Kick him not, in any case, so that he yelp,
lest an officer of the good Society above-named being within earshot
summon you before a Magistrate, and his Worship fine you or even
■commit you to the House of Correction. Such are the cautions which
may be occasionally suggested to you by certain Police reports—
differing in their conclusion from the following :—

“ At the Buckingham Petty Sessions on Saturday, the Rev. Me. Harley, Rector
of Turveston, Bucks, was summoned to answer a charge preferred by the Royal
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, for that on Sunday, the 18th of
August, he did ill-treat, abuse, and torture a dog, by pouring spirits of turpentine
on its hind parts. Upon leaving church after evening service on the day in question
the Rev. Gentleman saw, on the premises of the rectory, a small dog which belonged
to a man named Durham. He called his man-servaut and said, ‘ Let us catch this
dog and put turpentine upon him, and he will not come here again. ’ This was
done, and the dog ran off in great agony. In defence, Mr. Small, Solicitor, con-
tended that there was no intention to act cruelly, but simply to rid the rectory of
the nuisance of dog trespass. The bench deliberated for a short time, when the
Chairman, Mr. R. Fitzgerald, said, ‘ We have given this case our best attention,
and the law in relation to it, and we have come to the conclusion that the law has
not been transgressed by the act which defendant undoubtedly and confessedly did
perform. We therefore dismiss the complaint, and I have much pleasure in inform-
ing Mr, Harley that he leaves this Court without a stain upon his reputation as a
Christian minister, a gentleman, and a humane man.’ The Rev. defendant then
applied for costs, which the bench allowed.”

At first sight this case may seem an additional illustration of the
rather excessive zeal of the agents of the estimable Society aforesaid.
The unction of a little turpentine applied to the root of a dog’s tail,
not wantonly but for the purpose of keeping the dog off, may appear a
small matter, a mild incentive to make a stranger cur avoid a threshold.

Bat of course the Magistrates, and let us hope the parson, were un-
learned as to dogs, ignorant of canine idiosyncrasies, and did not know,
what I am informed is the fact, that turpentine acts on a dog’s skin as
a most powerful blister. If then the Rev. Gentleman has been in the
habit of applying that irritant to the roots of the tails of stranger curs,
he will perhaps cease to do so.

The local application of turpentine to the canine skin, as above par-
ticularised, will cause a very little dog to raise a very great outcry as
of “ pen-aud-ink.” To regard that cry is quite right, and its wanton
provocation merits punishment. But ah, Mr. Punch, what if half as
much notice as that which is taken of a clamour of “ pen-and-ink ”
could only be attracted by the groans of wretched people audible within
the walls of such horrid places as that hell upon earth the Workhouse
Infirmary at Cheltenham, described in last week’s British Medical
Journal? Wanted, a Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Paupers !
Is it not, Mr. Punch ? Protect poor dogs from ill-usage by all means.
Show any extreme of tenderness for donkeys ; nay, let those who will,
treat them with brotherly kindness. Let us, however, consider onr
own species in the first place. Could not a Society be organised for
the protection of poor men and women against the brutal underlings
of indifferent Guardians ? I am, Sir, like yourself, a friend to all
animals, bat particularly the human Animal’s Priend

P.S. It is only fair to Mr. Harley to extract from the Times of
Saturday last the Rev. Gentleman’s “ explanation of the transaction :

“ I had for a length of time been annoyed by the dog frequenting my premises,
and I thought the application of a small quantity of turpentine applied on the back
might cause him a moderate amount of pain and prevent his annoying me in future ;
a thrashing, I believed at the time, and believe now, would have caused much more
pain, and nobody would have thought of accusing me of cruelty for that. The
evidence of the veterinary surgeon was that turpentine would cause pain and irrita-
tion, but that the effect wov.ld piss off in an hour. * * * I am certainly sorry
that I used the turpentine at all, as the action has exposed me to be the subject of
so much exaggeration ; but I did not do it with the slightest intention of torturing
the animal, as I was particularly careful not to allow it to touch any tender parts.
I simply wished to scare the dog away without doing him any real injury.”

No Bookworm,

The Archiepiscopal Library at Lambeth, says the Times, has been
closed. Why ? Because the Archbishop of Canterbury contrived
to get its maintenance transferred from his own hands to those of the
Ecclesiastical Commissioners. Wherefore ? Possibly because his Grace
felt that he did not know what to do with a Library. This Conjecture
may be thought to derive some confirmation from the style of certain
Eorms of Prayer occasionally issued from Lambeth Palace.

Foreign Markets : Italian.—Red Shirtings down again.